RndBau wrote:

Hi again!

My one and only pre-reader, V-chan (Kami-sama, Belldandy, Peorth
 and Urd bless her soul) has just informed me that the
formatting has indeed messed up. It seems that all my ellipses
(elipsees?) have been reduced to a microscopic dot called a
"period". While they were intended to be "..."s, they ended up
as a simple ".". She also mentioned that it seemed that I hated
 Akane. I don't actually. Besides the fact that she's worse
tempered than a stepped-on badger, it was just fun to do for
this fic. Apologies to whoever feels slighted.

    As a huge fan (and supporter) of the ellipse, I do!

As for the formatting, I apologize. I apologize for what I have
done, what I have failed to do, and I apologize for Bill Gates
and his software. If anyone knows how to fix this then please
mail me, preferrably privately so as not to contradict the
effaycue.

    No idea what's up with that, but Mozilla handled the message  just fine.

If it seems wrong, then maybe you can imagine two more little
dots at the end of that lonely period to make them happy.

I promise, I'll fix everything up on the final post after all
the C&Cs and before I release Part Two.

Oh yes, one last note. Many, many ideas of mine have been
inspired and drawn from several other fics out there. Mirrors
Multiplied, The Bet Fics, DnR, Comes the Cold Dragon, Hearts of
 Ice, Fist of the Pikachu, Destiny's Child and lot's more.
These fics are all done by great authors and I'm glad to have
read their works.



Thanks all! -rndbau

It's messed up rnd.  v-chan@bigfoot.com Sent October 25, 2001

I know.  -rnd

Good day all!

This is my first time to post on the FFML and this is my first
released fic. I was watching several anime series over the
weekend, ranging from Video Girl Ai to Gatchaman. (No, I won't
include Gatchaman as a crossover. Ai and Youta? Maybe.) All
that watching inspired me to write something. It also gave me a
 headache but that's a different story. I wrote this up in MS
Word 2000 and directly cut and paste it into MS Outlook. I have
 no idea what the formatting will look like. If it's messed up,
 please say so and maybe you can suggest a way to fix it.
Anyway, as I said, first fic alert so I expect a lot of errors,
 grammatical as well as story-wise. C&C please. If you must
flame, flame constructively, preferably using sacred fire from
the Cherry Hill Shrine.

    This sounds interesting. 'fraid the only fire I got on hand is Herb's from Compass Points. I don't think he'd like me using it.

<sounds and actions>, (my inane comments), [thoughts], {panda
signs, streetsigns and other reading material}

    Hmm....

None of these characters are mine, I never said they were mine
and anyone who says they are mine would be wrong.


Two Steps Back, Three Steps Forward; Part One

By: rndbau



It was a sunny morning in Nerima. Birds woke up twittering to
the morning dew while basking in the light of a brand new day.
The skies were an azure majesty that stretched across the
horizon to kiss the faraway mountains. Crickets were chattering
 in the background and everything else was as serene as they
could possibly be.

    They woke up twittering to the dew?

"Ranma, you pervert!"

Serenity, just as in the Silver Millenium, died a grisly death.

"How is it my fault this time you uncute tomboy?!" Ranma shouted
 back. "You walked in on me. Again! I put the 'occupied' sign
out this time."

    ...

        o/` One of these things, is not like the other,
    One of these things, is not quite the same o/`

    Is that second sentence the one you want to have there?

"That's not the point," rebutted an irate Akane. "You saw me
naked again. You always do this Ranma."

    Ranma: Worth the pain.

    Akane: Apology accep--- HEY!

"'I' always do this? Excuse me Akane, but it seems to me that
every time this happens in the bathroom, you walk in on me.
Makes me think you're the perverted one here. I mean, don't you
even check the damn door for the sign anymore? Didn't you even
see my clothes on the floor of the changing room? Jeez..."

"Don't you dare lecture me in my own house you idiot! You're
just freeloading here with your useless father!"

    Akane: How _dare_ you reveal my plans to see you naked!

    Ranma: You been takin' lessons from Happi?

    Akane: Hotcha!

    Ranma: I feel... so violated... Can you do it again?

"What does that have to do with anything?" yelled back Ranma. He
 was getting really tired of this routine and of the tomboy.

He had thought that things would be better after Jusendo and the
 failed wedding attempt. Actually they did get better. for a
while at least. He had a few relatively sane weeks following
the fiasco and thought things would go on like that for quite
some time. Boy, was he wrong. After three weeks of relative
calm, Uchan had come over bearing okonomiyaki as a peace
offering. Ranma had been hungry since he'd been training all
morning and Kasumi hadn't even had lunch ready yet so seeing as
he was a bottomless pit anyway, accepted the offer. This was
of course, when Akane came home from a friend's house. Things
had gotten progressively worse from then on. Ranma was malleted
for flirting with Ukyou and was yelled at by the two idiot
parents. Shampoo then showed up and glomped onto him just
because she wanted to and this caused another hail of
projectiles headed his way. Ryouga, for once, got to where he
wanted to go and saw the carnage and decided to join in to
pound Ranma. Happosai saw the girls fighting and wan

    wanted to and -- wanted to, and

    General commage.

    Looks like the last sentence was clipped.

The arguments and fights were thankfully defused by a smiling
Kasumi, who announced that lunch was ready and everyone
'playing' with Ranma was invited. So everyone ate in relative
peace though a heavy silence settled over the table as Ranma
noticed a certain miasma of hostility in the air. He saw from
the corner of his eye each of the girls glaring at each other,
a lump of pork glaring his way and a Peking duck glaring at
Kasumi thinking that she was Ranma, to which the oblivious teen
 merely smiled back in return.

    Commage.

    Note that:

    Mousse and Ryouga had changed towards the end of the manga. Ryouga moreso than Mousse, but der Lost Boy had all but given up on Akane in favor of Akari.

    Kasumi was 19 at the begining of the manga. If she hasn't turned 20 already, she's _really_ close, though she could be just like Konno Mitsune, and age from 19 years old, to being 19 years old.

    I'd find that completely believable.

Ranma was thinking again. He was unused to the activity since in
battle, if you had the time to think, you were already dead.
He was used to just doing things based on instinct and
familiarity. While this situation was indeed familiar, he
wasn't enjoying any second of it. He thought of all the times
the actions of this morning were repeated and calculated that
they happened at least three or four times a week. This was
troubling to the martial artist since he didn't want this to be
the pattern to his whole life. He had come to a decision. He
would take control of his life immediately. Well, maybe as soon
as he finished dinner. (Kasumi's sukiyaki was to die for after
all.)

    Paranthetical author's notes are the tools of the devil, right up there with 'Smartquotes'. My personal advice is to lose them.

    As a side note, everyone (nearly) that I've seen write Ranma fanfiction, with the exception of Mr. Hallstrom, writes Ranma's battle philosophy off as Taoist in theory, but Zen in application. Why is that?

After dessert had been served and consumed, Ranma stood up and
cleared his throat dramatically. "I have an announcement to
make," he nervously managed to squeak out. "As you all know, my
life is as messed up as it could possibly be. I have been
attacked almost every day of my life by either blind fools
(while glaring at Mousse), idiot parents (staring at Soun and
Genma), dishonorable, stupid pigs lacking a sense-of-direction
(guess who/what he looked at) and uncute tomboys." The last was
said, not with a glare, but with a rather sad and wistful look
at Akane.

    Don't want to be harsh, but the last paranthetical note looks like it's supposed to be funny.

    I'm not so sure that really fits the tone of the story, so far.

"Oh Ranma honey! Thank you! I accept. We can get married this
afternoon," squealed an enthusiastic okonomiyaki chef.

"Wo ai ni! Wo da ailen! <blah blah>," giggled a bouncing Shampoo
who, in her excitement had reverted to her native Chinese.  (I
don't know how to speak Chinese, I know some people who do but
I'm quite sure they don't speak the Joketsu dialect.)

    What, Mandarin?

    Again, I reccomend dropping the paranthetical author's notes.

    The only thing worse to look at is footnotes.

The scenario was mostly universal, affecting everyone in the
room with almost the same results. Kodachi had clung onto his
arm proclaiming that her Ranma-sama had made her so happy by
choosing her. Ryouga had screamed out a standard "Ranma,
prepare to die", this time for agreeing to marry all of the
girls. Mouse had attacked with his fist of the white swan
screaming that he'll never have his Shampoo and unfortunately
hit a water pitcher on the table. Needless to say, with all of
'em being the water magnets that they were, the Jusenkyo gang
got wet. Instant zoo, just add water.

Ranma was stressed. He was angry. He was also a wee bit
frustrated since he was a now technically a she, a buxom
redhead and he didn't even get to make his announcement! P-chan
was biting down hard on his leg. Akane, apparently not
noticing the pig transform, was swinging the table Ranma's way.
Ukyou and Shampoo were trying to kill each other. The fathers
had brought out the sake and were celebrating the wedding.
Kasumi was pouring tea. Thank the Kami that Nabiki was out of
town or else he'd have to pay for all this. Cologne was ROTFL.
Shampoo was clinging to his pant leg with her claws. "Wait a
minute. shampoo + cold water, factor in claws and clinging to
his leg. Hmm. What does this mean anyway?" Ranma mused.
Shortly, a startled but quiet "oh" was heard.

    'ROTFL'.

    This scene is far too busy.

    Shampoo is a proper name, and should be capitalized. Ranma's volalized thought passage _probably_ shouldn't be refering to himself as 'him' as much as 'I' or 'my'.

"CAAAAAAAAAAT! Get it off me! Get it off me! AAAGH!!!"

    There appears to be an extra newline between this passage and the preceeding.

As we said before, Ranma was stressed, angry and frustrated. It
only took stress and the presence of a c.c. feline to induce
the catfist state, coupled with the other factors, he got there
in record time.

    This sounds stilted, but I'm at a loss as far as what to reccomend.

"Rrrroowww.," hissed an angry Ranma-neko. This was apparently
enough to make everyone back off for a while. Akane, thinking
that Ranma would, as per the old days, come to her and sit on
her lap went forward and knelt down near Ranma and tried to
coax him closer. Unfortunately, she called him with a much
louder voice than you're supposed to use when trying to cajole
an angry feline to calmness. Ranma attacked.

    "Rrrroowww.," -- "Rrrroowww," (no period)

What came next was the most graphic, gratuitous, and gruesome
display of Anime violence the world (or the FFML) had ever
witnessed. It was also rather therapeutic.

    To who? My normal reccomendation to disposing of the paranthetical authors notes still stands.

Akane was still. She was sprawled out in the middle of the Tendo
dining room with her clothes all tattered and torn. Her
stomach, arms, legs and face were crisscrossed with triple
parallel lines, which were lightly bleeding. Her hair was a
tangled mess, some of it several meters from where her body lay
chopped off by a molecule thick ki-claw. In the room full of
people (and animals), not a creature was stirring, not even a
Mousse.

    So her body was chopped off by a molecule thick ki-claw, eh? Commage.

    Parenthesis. Evil. That bit can fit in the prose with little-to-no trouble.

    Molecule thick ki-claws. It's energy, not matter, so does such a concept apply?

Ranma was wondering why everyone went still all of a sudden and
staring at him so he decided to just look for a good place to
rest and maybe take a catnap. Bounding over on all fours, he
snuggled into a comfortable lap and began licking his 'paws',
cleaning them of the blood and gore that now smeared them.
[Hmm, this not taste good. Mental cat-note; do not lick paws
after attacking violent short-haired girl. Almost as bad as her
cooking.]

    Commage.

    Are Ranma-neko's thoughts that clear-cut?

"Well, yes. At least I think it's twenty-six. Let's see. There
was the one at school, the one at the beach with Elder Cologne,
one time at the market, once when Midori-chan form next door
chased her cat here, once when. ," counted Kasumi while ticking
off the numbers on her fingers.

"We get the idea Kasumi," mumbled Ukyou while folding Kasumi's
hand closed to stop her counting.

    Commage.

    I think she'd run out of fingers pretty quickly.

"It seems that son-in-law no longer trusts Akane," stated
Cologne. "He wouldn't come to Kasumi if that were the case. He
must like this Tendo girl the most now among all of you."

    Why is Cologne there, anyway?

"My Ranchan trusts me!" shouted an emphatic Ukyou. "I'll show
you."

<swipe><swish><slice>

"Um. maybe not right now." mumbles a slightly pale Ukyou while
holding what was left of the handle of her battle spatula.

    commage, tenses.

    mumbles -- mumbled.

Several hours later, a male and non-neko Ranma is in the dojo
contemplating. "If that happened before I even told them my
decision, what would they have done if they actually heard it?
Maybe I should just leave. The Saotome Secret Technique! I
could use that and leave until I can get a better idea of what
I want to do! This is perfect!"

    is -- was

"Well Akane. It's like this. I've been thinking and."

    Commage.

    Well Akane -- Well, Akane

"Oh here you are Ranma. I've been looking for you. Here, drink
this," ordered Kasumi while handing him a cup of tea. "It
should make you feel better and a bit more calm after that
incident before. "It's chamomile tea. Supposedly, it helps ease
 nervousness and stress. You too Akane."

    Same.

    are Ranma -- are, Ranma

    too Akane -- too, Akane

"Thanks Kasumi," replied Ranma while taking the offered cup. "I
think I'll need this and maybe a lot more for today."

"You're welcome Ranma."

    Again.

    welcome Ranma -- welcome, Ranma

"Thanks oneesan. I'll bring the cup back to the kitchen later,"
said Akane. "What were you saying before Ranma?"

    And once more.

    Thanks oneesan -- Thanks, Oneesan (used in leiu of a proprer name, I think.)

This being an anime world, the inevitable happened.

A-choo!

"Gesundheit, Akane," Ranma automatically replied.

"Ooh! Someone must be talking about me," Akane giggled after the
forceful sneeze. She looked at Ranma and noticed that his eyes
had gone wide and were staring at her front. [Why that
pervert! He's staring at my breasts! Wait... Ranma's staring at
my breasts? Cool!!! I have to act angry now or he'll think I'm
enjoying it.]

    Uh-huh.

What Akane missed (well she is quite oblivious) was that when
she sneezed, her toupee slipped off showing an ugly bald patch
and more importantly, she spilled her tea. Chamomile tea is
best served really hot. Really hot tea means really hot water.
Akane sneezed. Water spilled. Akane was carrying P-chan. Guess
what happened.

    This is _really_ stilted.

    Is this story supposed to be humorous?

"R. R. Ryouga?" stammered a wide-eyed, short haired, uncute,
tomboy.

    You might be better served with dashes or ellipses. Or is this one of the aformentions ellipse failures?

"A. hehe. he," chuckled Ryouga while scratching the back of his
head. [Something wasn't right here. A minute ago he was taking
a nice nap in Akane's arms. Now he was sitting on her lap,
looking up into her angelic face. also, he was a bit wet. Hmm.
Oh yeah, he was naked too. ]

    Why is he thinking about himself in the third person?

"Ryouga you jerk! Not only are you P-chan, you also peeped at
me, lied to me and worst of all, YOU BROKE MY FAVORITE
MALLET!!! AAAAARGHHH!"

    Some cliches are more durable than twinkies.

Ranma was looking wide-eyed at all the destruction and mayhem in
the Tendo Dojo and out into the yard. He knew Ryouga was
tough, he learned the Bakusai Tenketsu after all. Hmm. maybe
Ryouga needed to take the advanced course.

"RAAAAAAANNMAAAA!!! You jerk! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Uh-oh," said a certain pig-tailed full-time martial artist and
part-time projectile.

<WHAM>

    The whole delivery is kind of weak, here...

"Hmm, I wonder where I'm gonna land this time?" He calculated
his velocity, angle of launch, licked the tip of his index
finger and held it up and guessed his approximate landing
point. He saw that he was heading for the NFPF, or the Nerima
Fluffy Pillows Factory. He breathed a sigh of relief then since
 there was a chance he would land in something soft.
Unfortunately, Ranma had a guardian angel and his name was
Murphy.  There was a sudden gust of wind and he was thrown a
few meters to the right. He checked his trajectory again and
saw his new landing spot. "Oh no." He had been saying this a
lot as of late, but he had a very good reason now. The factory
to the right of NFPF was the NFMC. Yup, the Nerima Fireworks
Manufacturing Co. "This is gonna hurt."

    I begining to rather suspect that our styles are too dissimilar for me to offer any constructive advice on this piece. I'll try and stick to just commenting on the grammatical aspects.

"Don't move!" commanded the silhouette. The sun was behind her
and he couldn't see her face. All Ranma could see was the
katana drawn, glinting in the sun and laying against his
exposed throat.

    the katana -- a katana (isn't it only just now being introduced?)

"Son, why are you playing in fountains at your age? That isn't
manly you know."

    Commage.

"Uh mom. never mind. Can we go to your place? I need to talk to
you."

    Commage.

"That would be fine my son. I need a favor from you also."

    Still more commage.

"So that's what happened mom, and that was just today."

    Again with the commage.

"That. that... that's absolutely insane!" exclaimed a shocked
Nodoka. "Wait, we are talking about your friends. I guess it's
normal enough. And it is Nerima after all."

    ...

"Yeah, too normal. It happens every other day! It's getting to
me. I'm afraid if it doesn't stop I'm really gonna hurt
someone. I nearly maimed Akane this morning while in the
catfist. I've never done that before, to Akane at least. She
was always the one I went to when I was neko-fied. I'm scar.
afra. I'm. I'm worried mom."

    Kids these days. No commage at all. I tell ya...

"Hmm. This might not be so bad Ranma. Remember what I said
before about needing a favor?"

    Once more with the commage.

"Yeah, but what does this hafta do with."

    Shouldn't that be a question?

"Hush child. My sister over at Hinata Springs is the caretaker
of an Inn there. Our mother left it to us when she disappeared
several years ago while travelling the world's hot springs.
She's busy taking care of her restaurant so she needs someone
to take care of the place as a kanrinin for the summer. Your
summer vacation has just started so I told her I'd ask you if
you were willing. I realize that this will take you away from
all your fianc�es, your father, Ryouga and all your friends,
but please consider this request. You don't have to answer
right now, think about it fir."

    ... roight.

"YES! YES! I'll do it mother! When do I leave? Is tonight early
enough? I can pack real fast! What'll I wear? Should I take my
long-sleeved Chinese shirts? The silk might shrink in the hot
water. I need to buy a new toothbrush. Maybe that blue one with
 Pikachu on the handle.or should I get the red one with
Bulbasaur? Oh no! However shall I choose? I must have them
both!"

    The need for commage fights on.

"Ranma! Control yourself," scolded Nodoka putting her hand down.

    And still yet again, commage.

"Gomen mother," said Ranma. He then made a mental note to
himself; break Kuno's jaw at the earliest opportunity.

    Again, commage.

    mother -- Mother

"Um. I think tomorrow will be good enough son. You'll like it
there. We stayed there a few times when you were little. I'm
not sure if your friends are still there though."

    Commage.

    son -- Son

"It was thirteen years ago I believe. We stayed there with my
mother and your Aunt Haruka for the summers when I wasn't
teaching. You made a lot of friends there. Maybe they still
live over at Hinata Springs."

    Is this an x-over or a fusion?

"This sounds just like what I need mom. Imagine that. Two whole
months without being threatened, attacked, malletted, poisoned
and etc. Two months with nothing but HOT WATER around me. Two
months without pops! This is gonna be great!" exclaimed an
obviously jubilant Ranma.

    pops -- Pops

"It's settled then. I'll just call your Aunt Haruka and confirm
that you'll do it. He said she wanted to see you since she
missed you so much. She was often your nanny you know."

    One more time. Commage.

<ring-ring>

"Moshi-moshi, Hiantasou. Haruka speaking."

    Ow. Ow. Ow.

    Hiantasou -- Hinata-sou

"Haru-chan, this is Nodoka. I'm just calling about that job you
had for Ranma."

"Doki-chan! Did he accept? I was just about to call Kaori to ask
 if her son Keitaro would like to volunteer."

    Ah. Right. That explains everything.

"No need for that sis. Ranma's agreed. He'll be there tomorrow.
How's the little pest by the way?"

    Commage.

"You're still the same Haruka chan," replied Nodoka while
sighing wistfully. "I meant Keitaro of course, but I guess it
does apply to our little sister."

    Commage. why was the hyphenation dropped for Haruka, and why was it extended for Haruka from 'Haru'?

"Let's get together sometime, just the three of us. No husbands
OK! I don't want to feel left out. Seta-san and I didn't
actually part on happy terms you know. Though I still see his
sister's family once in a while, Seta hasn't called me in over
a year."

    husbands OK! -- husbands, okay?

    It's two extra letters for all that much more grammatical correctness.

"Don't worry dear, we'll get together soon. I've got to go. We
still need to get Ranma packed and ready for tomorrow. I wish I
 could accompany him but I have work tomorrow so you'll just
have to greet him. Don't worry, he's hard to miss."

    Commage.

"The pigtail is a dead-giveaway. He'll probably be wearing a red
 Chinese, silk shirt and black pants. Take care of him OK? I'll
 see you soon."

    Too _much_ commage.

"Alright. Bye Doki-chan! I'll call Kaori to tell her that the
position's already filled."

    And now, more commage is needed again.

"I told you not to call me that Haru-chan. I hated that
nickname. Tell Kaori I said "hi" and thanks sis! Goodbye, see
you soon!"

    "hi" -- 'hi' (?)

<click>



"Alright, Ranma. Everything's arranged. You're to go straight to
 Hinatasou and your Aunt Haruka will meet you there."

    hinatasou -- Hinata-sou

    Extra newlines?

"Yes, but she mostly stays at her restaurant. You'll be the
manager and handyman of the inn so you'll be alone most of the
time unless you have guests. I think she has a couple of
residents at present' but I'm sure you'll get along with them
as well."

"OK. I can handle that. It gives me more time to train and
practice. The repairs are easy enough to handle since I've got
a lot of experience at the Tendo's place. This'll be great!
Thanks mom."

    OK -- okay

"You're welcome my son. Now let's head to the Tendo Dojo and
pack your things. You need to catch the train early tomorrow
morning."


"Alright. Let's go!"

    Extra newlines.

End Part One



Part Two; coming soon (if my boss doesn't catch me at the office)

    Sorry, I'm afraid that I don't have a lot positive to comment about on this one...