on 10/24/01 1:30 AM, Tripolar Disorder at tripolar@hotmail.com wrote:
I often wonder if the FFML FAQ shouldn't have a warning sign as its first
line: "Abandon all hope ye who enter into here." Then again, that would be
rather too harsh. Perhaps, "Warning: Rough sailing ahead," would be better.
I have some valid criticisms to offer, which I hope will prove useful, but
also some complaints. The complaints you will need to evaluate for yourself.
In this context I am but a mere reader, not an author. It is the author who
must decide. In any case, rest assured that I would not go to the trouble of
writing this if I thought the story less than worthy of my time.
Don Granberry.
[Complaint 1: This chapter is not too long. It is much too short. There is
at least three chapters worth of story here. In my opinion, the author
devoted too much effort to narrative and not nearly enough to action. I will
the flag passages which I believe would benefit from expansion.]
Epiphany Chapter 5
*****************************************************************
Things changed slowly over the week as Nodoka modified her
schedule to fit into the new life that she had taken on. Caring
for the Tendos and getting to know her son again was an education
for them all.
Ranma would be by her side almost constantly. Always eager to
help her, no matter what. The fact that she had accepted
him and loved him, no matter what gender he currently was, made
him happy it seemed. He did tend to spend more time as a girl
around his mother, and Nodoka noticed how much more cheerful her
daughter was.
[A purely narrative rendition works nicely down to the paragraph
immediately preceding this note.]
Ranma's attitude change was noticeable by all. He stopped being
mad at changing forms. Ranma-chan turned down an offer to use
the restroom after someone accidentally overturned a beaker of
water in chemistry. Everyone seemed surprised, but Ranma just
stopped for a moment when it happened, then continued working
without any comment or insult.
Rumors had begun to form that Ranma would rather be a girl.
Akane had denied them, but Ranma seemed to be enjoying it. She
actually joined the girls volleyball game in Gym class, after the
coach had told her that the hot water heater in the gym was
busted, and "she" could sit out instead of trying the Greek
wrestling with the other boys.
Inwardly, Ranma was laughing, knowing how much chaos he was
causing. He purposely acted more reserved and shy as a girl.
Not too much, as to easily appear fake, but just enough that
others would notice.
[The three paragraphs above warrant at least one scene, perhaps two. I think
if you put enough effort into it, you could get all the points across with
the action in a single, and greatly improve this yarn. As written, this is
too much like a mere outline for a story. It is well done, mind you, but
pure narrative is sharply limited in the impact it can have in this
context.]
Ranma did make the adjustment to being able to control his curse
rather quickly, but it was bothersome to have to remember
to change every time he got hit with water. He did ask his mother
not to tell anyone. Cologne agreed to it as well, since she
could not figure out what caused it. Shampoo was swore to secret
about the entire event. No one wanted cursed martial artists
attacking Ranma for a cure that he didn't have.
[The above paragraph could have made for an entertaining scene, but it works
as narrative. It may not be worth the effort of developing a scene or scenes
for. I am flagging it so that you can see the opportunity.]
Since the funeral, two new pictures adorned the shrine. One was
of Soun and Kimako on their wedding day, and the other was of
Soun and Genma, knocking back sake.
[NITPICK: The two old farts played shogi more often than they drank. Your
call.]
Nodoka convinced Kasumi to take some culinary classes at the
nearby university. She would not accept no for an answer, saying
that her talents were being wasted. Now that they had a mother
figure again, Kasumi didn't have to be there for the family all
the time.
Also Nodoka had moved her studio into Happosai's room. It was
the largest room in the house after one of the Shoji walls was
moved. This made Soun's room now Nodoka's smaller, but she
didn't seem to mind.
[NITPICK: Happosai had a room upstairs, possibly in the attic. I would have
to check to be certain. I sometimes confuse the video canon with the Manga
when it comes to the layout of the house.]
They did end up paying the trash man to haul away almost twelve
metric tons of underwear. Ranma informed them that the old man
had used his Chi to fold space and that was how all that could
be hidden away.
[Whoa! Does Muadib know about this?]
Her client's loved the whole family atmosphere. Kasumi would be
serving tea, and Nabiki seemed to have a flair for photography.
She did confess to taking shots of Ranma-chan topless, and had
to give up the negatives for burning. Ranma/Ranko was always
there to help as well, and he had to ask surprised to see the
women from before.
[The last sentence is garbled. I especially disliked the "Ranma/Ranko"
convention. "Ranma helped out in both his forms" would be better I think. If
you get a flag on this from more than one reader, you should consider
re-wording the whole thing.]
When Nodoka and Ranma stayed at their home on the weekend, she
began to teach Ranma her sword technique. He was quick to learn
and was nearly mastering it. She was amazed at his speed while
not losing any grace or form. Each time she thought he had
reached the limit of his abilities, he would surpass them. After
they returned to the Tendo Dojo, he had a series of new kata to
practice.
[NITPICK: Takahashi does not dwell on this, possibly because she did not
need to. Virtually all of the serious schools of Japanese martial arts
include weapons training. Many place the bulk of their emphasis on training
for armed combat. The only purely Japanese techniques of hand to hand
fighting are Jujutsu, Judou and Aikidou. Karate, all the various styles of
it, are essentially Okinawan in origin and are derived from Chinese Kung Fu.
It is very unlikely that Ranma spent the bulk of his ten years learning
nothing but unarmed combat, assuming he spent the bulk of that time learning
at Japanese dojo. Now, having duly belabored this technical issue, it is not
that terribly important to your story. It is entirely possible that Ranma
would not know the style or okugi of his mother's school or, you may rightly
insist upon the notion that Ranma knows nothing of armed combat. It will
matter very little to the bulk of your audience. The only ones likely to
complain are the anal retentive curmudgeons like me.]
*****************************************************************
When Nabiki, Akane, and Ranma returned from school that they all
noticed a new picture on the mantle. Walking up to it slowly
they all realized that it was a picture of Ranma and Ranko.
"He" was standing behind "Her" and she looked like she was
leaning against him.
Ranma smiled slightly as he realized what his mother had been
doing on some of the photo shoots with him and noticed that the
picture was rather well done. his mother had caught the serious
charged look that seemed to pervade in his eyes as well as the
easy going, open and caring look in his female form's face and
eyes.
It was then that he also realized that he was being stared at.
Looking at them all defiantly the tense situation was broken by
Nodoka's entrance from the kitchen with an after school snack.
"Oh good, I see that you all have seen my latest work."
[A better description of Ranma's observers is warranted here. Without said
descriptions, the story feels short-changed, almost perfunctory.]
With the tableau broken Ranma's nose lead him strait [STRAIGHT]to the tray
and in true form started in on his part of the snack. The other
girls stared at Ranma, then at Nodoka then back at Ranma.
[I flagged a spelling error in the above paragraph. I will not flag them all
as they are numerous and spell checkers are cheap. You should acquire one
and get into the habit of using it prior to posting.]
"Um, Auntie Saotome. How'd you do that?" They all knew that
Ranma's mom was a photographer, but they did not know just how
she managed to catch both sides of Ranma. It was Akane that
asked and as they all sat down to eat the light snack Nodoka
explained.
[Which girl asked the question? Nabiki would seem the logical candidate, but
the author does not make it clear. You should go over this entire piece
looking for these kinds of mistakes. Fear not the word "said", my dear
author!]
"It was nothing dear. All I did was take posed shots of each of
Ranma's sides and using my computer I edited them so that it
would look like they had both been in the studio as separate
entities." Smiling she nodded once and continued. "However for
anyone else, that little part of the photo doesn't need to get
spread around. Better for all in the end."
[Just a note about setting and timeline for you. First, virtually everyone
in Nerima, save the Kuno siblings, came to understand that Onna-Ranma and
Otoko-Ranma are one and the same person very early in the series. Ranma's
"secret" did not survive the duration of Volume One. If indeed you are
altering the canon so that Ranma's secret is largely or even partially
intact at this point, you need to emphasize it more in one of the previous
chapters.
Second: This is a NITPICK: Back when Ranma 1/2 was written, digital
photography and the manipulation of images by computer software was
virtually unheard of outside major studios. The special effects in Kubrick's
_2001: A Space Odyssey_ were done, in the main, with computer controlled
cameras, not direct manipulation of images with software. The computing
power available to do such a thing was nearly non-existent at that time.
However, double exposing negatives and prints were often done and such
tricks were often very difficult to detect, especially in the controlled
conditions of a studio where the photographer had complete control of the
lighting of the subjects. I bring this up because you will want to be
careful about consistency issues, making the technologies match the times,
or, if you indulge yourself in a mis-match, which I have done, you will want
to understand that you have done such a thing and be careful with it. You
otherwise risk ruining the story's verisimilitude. One or two such errors do
no great harm, but an accumulation of such can have strongly deleterious
effects upon the story's entertainment value.]
Akane and Nabiki nodded as they knew that there were still people
that had not quite comprehended Ranma's curse. Ranma's recent
calming was unsettling, though it did not hamper his fighting
abilities any, as both Principal and Tatewaki Kuno found out that
morning.
[Demonstration rather than the above narrative would be preferable, either
as a flash back, or by re-ordering the way in which this chapter progresses.
Personally, I would favor the latter option, but this is your yarn. You will
have to do what your time and resources will allow.]
Looking over at her new family she knew that Kasumi wasn't due
home for another couple of hours yet so she figured that she
would start the cooking. "You all have home work, Get started
and I will start dinner for the evening."
The three high schoolers headed up the stairs to start their
school work and each knowing that thanks to Nodoka's prompting,
Ranma was actually doing better in school and actually getting
interested in some of the classes.
It wasn't[AS A RULE, AVOID CONTRACTIONS IN NARRATIVE] but moments later that
two bundles of roses landed on
the now cleared table[,] only to find themselves lacking recipients.
As the deliverer of the flowers entered the room[,] he was puzzled
as to['BY' WOULD BE PREFERABLE TO 'AS TO'.] the emptiness of the room. That
is, he was puzzled until
he felt the very sharp point of a sword [SWORD IS FINE, BUT IT IS A 'KATANA.'
MIND YOUR ROMANIZATION. I NOTED NUMEROUS ERRORS IN THIS REGARD.] poking him
gently in the
back.
[Tatewaki's entrance into the scene stinks. It is too abrupt, and we do not
know where Nodoka is when he intrudes. You need to do a better job of
describing the action. You also change POV here, which is acceptable, the
room being empty upon Kuno's arrival, but make sure your readers are firmly
locked into his POV. Internal dialogue would have been preferable, in this
context, to the simple narrative you used.]
"You have but one chance to tell me why you have invaded my home.
You had better make it good." The calm female voice sounded
behind him.
"I am here but for one reason. To defeat that foul sorcerer
Saotome in honorable combat[,] thus winning the hearts of my beloved
goddesses." Kuno announced [PRONOUNCED WOULD SEEM THE BETTER WORD CHOICE, BUT
THAT IS YOUR OPTION] to the person he could not see.
"Turn around Tatawaki[TATEWAKI] Kuno." The sword had disappeared even
before the startled young man could whip about to face the woman
that had bested him. [WAS I KUNO, I WOULD NOT HAVE DONE ANY 'WHIPPING AROUND.'
THAT COULD RESULT IN MY STARING AT MY OWN BODY FROM THE FLOOR. OR,
ALTERNATIVELY, STARING AT THE LOWER HALF OF MY BODY FROM FLOOR LEVEL.] He
was even more startled to see a striking
resemblance to Ranma in the woman's features.
"Who are you that you would dare hold such an honored person at
blade point woman?" Kuno was surprised and in his surprise
proceeded to get defensive as his hand twitched towards his own
boken.
Nodoka took due note of the action and with narrowed eyes
proceeded to give the young Kuno the dressing down most of the
occupants of the house thought he so richly deserved. "Who are
you, to sneak into my house, uninvited at that, and accuse my son
of being a foul sorcerer? I am Saotome Nodoka, Matriarch of the
Saotome family and with the deaths of Tendo Soun and my husband
I have taken over as head of both of the Tendo and Saotome
families until such time as they are ready to be on their own."
[The action falls flat here because you did not describe it from Tatewaki's
viewpoint. This is, technically, a shift in POV from that of Kuno to that of
the narrator. As a rule, you are best served by choosing a single POV in a
given scene and staying with it throughout the entire scene. When this is
not possible, and sometimes it isn't, you should be careful about how you
make the change. In this case, it is unwarranted because the action can be
better described to us by the muddle-headed Kuno than by shifting to the
narrator's POV. Staying with Kuno gives you the opportunity to deepen the
characterization of Tatewaki, something which is sorely missing here. He is
not out of canon per se, but he is much too lifeless for the reader to
appreciate.]
Kuno's left eye started to twitch, he seemed unresponsive, so
Nodoka continued.
"I have heard much about you Tatawaki, Your methods are brash and
borderline [BORDER ON THE] cruel. From this day on, you will never enter this
home again with out [WITHOUT, ONE WORD] my express permission and you shall be
very
careful on [OF RATHER THAN ON] how you treat my son and daughter."
Tatawaki looked browbeaten and miserable as he stood in the face
of Nodoka's controlled wrath. Looking about him he noticed the
picture of Ranma and Ranko on the mantle just as Nodoka warned
him against fighting Ranma.
[Having previously jumped to the narrator's POV, the author has deprived
himself of the ability to describe what is going on in Kuno's brain, if said
collection of ganglia can be referred to as such. I have little doubt that
such a thing is a difficult task. I avoid writing for the Kuno siblings as
much as I can, but the author lacks the luxury of such avoidance, given that
Kuno is the protagonist, or "driver of the action" in this scene.]
His attention swiveled sharply back to the Saotome matron as the
words sunk in. "Your...Daughter?"
"Yes, she and Ranma are twins. Both practicing the art and they
traveled together on his training journey with my husband. You
call her pigtailed girl, but she has a name and it is Ranko."
Nodoka leveled a stare at Kuno that made him gulp.
[With a bit of polish, the dialogue between Nodoka and Kuno could be
hilarious.]
"You have insulted my family name, and the honor of my clan, by
accusing my son of sexual acts against ['SEXUAL ACTS AGAINST' CLANGS UPON THE
MIND'S EAR. I SUGGEST 'SEXUAL MISBEHAVIOR WITH' INSTEAD.] his sibling.
There is no
truth behind it. I will not tolerate this abuse [I SUGGEST 'CALUMNY' IN LIEU
OF 'ABUSE'.], so I suggest [DEMAND RATHER THAN SUGGEST, EMPHASIS ADDED BY
RING OF KATANA EXITING ITS SCABBARD. SURELY, NODOKA WOULD NOT FAIL TO
DEMONSTRATE HER SKILL AT IADOU. SEE WWW.KORYU.COM FOR EXPLANATIONS.]
that it stop."
"I...I see." And he did see. For once it was painfully clear to
him why Ranma had been protecting and keeping Kuno away from the
object of his affections. It was not love of the sort that he
felt for the girl, but brotherly affection and family honor that
caused Ranma to protect the girl so.
[Here we shift back into Kuno's POV, where we should have remained all
along. How does Kuno feel about encountering this formidable woman? Does he
not greatly admire such examples of steel in the feminine soul? Would he not
be captivated by her? Would he not now understand that his "Pig-tailed
Tree-borne Kettle-Girl" is what she is because of this grandly stern matron
who now stands before him? The scene lacks life, largely because of the poor
choices in POV shifts. Get into a character's head, then write for that
character. Shift POV only when it is a must.]
"And what of my dearest Akane?" [Tatewaki asked, making his voice as humble as
he felt. USE THE DIALOGUE FLAGS AS A TOOL TO HELP THE DRAMA.] His manner
obviously humbled and
severely subdued for the usually overbearing young man it was
almost funny to those that had known him to see this. But there
was no one else in the vicinity to see his embarrassment save for
Nodoka and it was her that he was worried about the most.
[Damn! And, likewise, BLAST! We are now back in the narrator's POV! Stick
with Kuno and let us in on his thoughts.]
"Young man, I think that Akane is well enough able to think and
choose for herself. But if ['SHOULD' RATHER THAN 'BUT IF.'] you get her into
a situation where
she would need Ranma's assistance at any time, I will not stop
him." As he looked at her in askance the import of her comment
about being the head of the Tendo Family now sunk [SANK] in.
[Written this way, without a dialogue flag, the POV is now completely
amorphous and the reader is left at sea. Note the example below:
"Young man, I think that Akane is well enough able to think for herself.
But, if you get her into a situation where she would need Ranma's assistance
at any time, I will not stop him," Nodoka said with the menacing grind of
ice in her voice.
As Kuno looked at Nodoka in askance, the import of her comment about being
the head of the Tendo Clan, now sank in.]
"I see. I then humbly beg your forgiveness and your leave so I
will darker [DARKEN rather than DARKER. A better phrase would be "disturb your
peace."] your door no further." He looked over at the
picture of Ranma and Ranko as he left and noticed that they
indeed looked like siblings in the photo. Knowing when he was
beaten he quietly walked down the street, disappearing from view.
[The description here is wanting for detail and accuracy. The street runs
through the Tendo domicile?]
*****************************************************************
[The change of scene marker is sufficient by itself, but you would be well
served by going ahead and setting the scene at Kuno-ke. This avoids making
the telling of the story seem perfunctory. Perfunctory telling of the story
is something which plagues much of fanfiction.]
"What WHAT!![What? WHAT!] You cannot be serious[,] dear brother?[! instead of
?] His sister?"
[Here, and I do understand how difficult it is, you would be better served
by writing from Kodachi's POV until she leaves, then switch over to
Tatewaki's POV and describe his thoughts for us. The scene lacks dramatic
impact when described from the narrator's POV.]
"Indeed, I was just there and spoke with Saotome's mother. She
has opened my eyes. They are twins. I saw a photograph and was
able to compare. There is no doubt upon it."
"You seem scared brother dear, did my Ranma-sama frighten you?"
Kodachi's wicked grin only seemed to infuriate him.
"Nay, it was the Saotome Matriarch. With Both Akane and Ranko's
father now past [DEPARTED, would work better here.], she is head of both
clans. Her prowess with a
blade is remarkable. I did not hear her at all until..." He
put his hand behind his back to rub the spot she had gotten his
attention with.
Kodachi began laughing in her usual cruel and annoying style. "I
shall meet Ranma's mother tonight, for I only need to impress her
to win my Ranma-sama!"
And with that she disappeared.
Tatawaki could only stare into the space where his sister had
been, and remarked to himself. "Nothing good will come of this."
*****************************************************************
Ranma, Akane[,] Nabiki[,] and Kasumi were sitting down [I would delete DOWN]
at the table.
Kasumi had been shooed from the kitchen when she got home, so was
patiently waiting [FOR] dinner [TO BE SERVED] along with everyone else.
[On the whole, you have done a much better job of setting the scene here and
have done so with a minimal number of words. You can usually set a scene in
a single sentence, though it often taxes one's ingenuity. Sadly, POV is a
mess again. This passage, I think, is best told from Ranma's perspective. He
becomes the primary antagonist, that is the character reacting to someone
else's actions, in this case, those of Kodachi.]
Nodoka was just bringing it out when everyone at the table heard
Kodachi's disturbing laugh.
Akane dove out of the way of[AS instead of 'OF'.] a black rose which[delete
WHICH] embedded itself
in the wall behind her.
Instantly [,] Ranma and Nodoka were at the ready. Ranma spoke up,
even as the laughter continued.
"Mom, meet Kodachi, Kuno's sister." [THE NARRATIVE SHOULD BE SEPARATED FROM
THE DIALOGUE HERE] At that point the girl, clad
in only a rear-skirted leotard stepped from the shadows.
"I'm here Ranma-sama. I just wanted to get some filth out of the
way." She turned toward Akane. "Too bad you were too fast. I
thought I had you."
Ranma was visibly affected [I suggest 'ANGERED' rather than 'affected'.]by her
last statement. Through teeth
clenched he growled out a warning. [Comma instead of a period] "Get lost
Kodachi, your not
welcome here."
Not responding in the least she [Which she? Kodachi, right? Use her name,
here. Leave no doubts in the reader's mind. Describe her face through
Ranma's eyes for us. This lacks drama as written.] laughed. "I am welcome
anywhere
I choose Ranma-sama. I have come to impress your mother and win
your hand."
With that[,] she[KODACHI] tossed something else at Akane. "You look tired,
you need some rest!!"
[I would re-order the above sentence as follows, but it is your call.
"You look tired," Kodachi said with a sneer in her voice as she threw
something else at Akane. "You need some rest!"
If you are not doing these kinds of things with dialogue because you are
uncertain of how to punctuate it, do it anyway. Folks around here will help
you correct that sort of thing. This is a case where the author's "voice"
matters a good deal more than the technical aspects of grammar. You have the
voice, but you mute it--out of shyness I suspect.]
And that was when Nodoka stepped into the way. She sliced the
bag in midair, to try and shield the girls from it, not knowing
it's contents.
A moment later Nodoka collapsed to the floor.
Kodachi stood for a moment staring at what had happened. She had
not expected this.
Ranma meanwhile was at his mother's side, holding her hand. He
was too confused and emotional to remember to check for a pulse.
He thought Nodoka was dead.
[Canon freaks will here scream, "FOUL!" I must admit that it threw me a
curve as well. Kodachi is fond of sleeping potions and paralyzing
concoctions, but deliberate murder hasn't been her modus operandi in the
series. We are left so busy wondering at Ranma's erroneous assessment of
Nodoka's condition, that we are hard put to appreciate the rest of the
action. Ranma's behavior seems so out of character that we are left standing
with our mouths gaping in astonishment. This is why I flagged the POV issue
at the beginning of this scene. Had you been writing from Ranma's POV all
along, rather than from the narrator's, we would be party to what was
running through his mind and why he becomes so violent. BTW: If you re-write
this from Ranma's POV, it should be easy for you to build a credible rage in
him without having to resort to his mistaken assessment of his mother's
condition, which is an enormous challenge to verisimiltude. He could simply
be fed up to the gills with Kodachi's dangerous misbehavior, and determined
to make sure she never pulls such a stunt on any member of his extended and
hard won family, ever again. Certainly, having just lost his father and Soun
Tendo, Ranma has every reason to be overly protective of his mother, but
none of this is clear to us. We must go back and educe this from previous
portions of story, and you do not not want us expending that kind of effort
during a fight scene. You want us to be ducking and wincing as Ranma rains
his fury, justifiable or not, upon the hapless Kodachi.]
Okay, Tripolar. I will quit whipping you at this point. You have the makings
of an excellent story here and in comparison to much of what is posted on
FFML, a fairly well written one. I like the plot. I like your general style.
Put a little more meat on the bones of this thing and it will go from a very
readable story to a very memorable one, if not a classic.
Whatever you do, do NOT stop writing. Writing takes practice. Was I you, I
would continue working on Chapter Six, with the suggestions that have been
offered in mind, rather than attempting a re-write of previous chapters. You
have a good deal of momentum going with this story. I would place my
emphasis upon keeping it moving rather than stopping for repair work at this
point. Another very important thing. DO NOT EDIT AS YOU WRITE! Write first,
then edit and embellish.
Regards,
Don Granberry.
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