Now, this was a strange story...
Spam fic 101. Will the insanity never end
101? It's a class?
((Yes folks we ARE going to hell, and in a rather large handbasket))
But at least it's filled with all sorts of tasty goodies! Ooh!
Strawberry jam tart! *munch*
In the middle of an unknown forest a battle was being waged.
Comma after "forest".
"PIKACHU, THUNDER BOLT ATTACK!"
*zap* "We're blasting off again!" *ding*
Well, nobody ever said it was an INTERESTING battle...
Team Rocket looked on in fear as Pikachu hopped to the forground in
front of
the injured bulbasaur.
foreground
And I assume the bulbasaur is Ash's bulbasaur, rather than one that's
been injured by Pikachu's Thunderbolt attack...
Gathering the energy in his electric sacks Pikachu charged up.
You need a comma after "sacks".
And I believe it's "sacs" when referring to a body part.
PIIIIIIII KAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Hearing this a few times and not seeing the end of the attack Team
Rocket
lost their fearful look and started to look at the Pikachu strangely.
Need a comma after "attack".
A few times? As in "Piiiiiiii kaaaaaaaa piiiiiiiii kaaaaaaaa?" At this
point, I was really expecting a "Pikamehameha wave" joke.
Nothing seemed out of the ordinary and even Ash looked confused by his
small
friend's antics.
ASH: I said THUNDERBOLT, Pikachu! Not Indimidate!
As Team Rocket started to laugh at the Pikachu that usually sent them
packing they quickly lost their amusement as they felt the ground
beneith
them start to shake and small stones began to lift into the air.
beneath
Comma after "packing".
TR: Ha ha! You can't send us packing this time because we left our
suitcase at home!
As the energy crackled in the air, Ash, Misty, and Brock all started
to look
around for a place to hide. Ash had never seen this before and with a
fear-filled look stepped forward to calm his friend when he was
knocked back
by what felt like a concussion blast.
ASH: Must fine a place to hide! No! Must calm Pikachu! AGH! (concussion
blast hits)
MISTY: What did it feel like?
ASH: I don't know. I have a concussion.
PPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Pikachu looked at Team Rocket as his eyes blinked, they changed from
their
normal bright black to a startling shade of blue that gave away
nothing as a
slight smirk formed.
TR: *smirking* You can't read our emotions now! But why did we turn
blue?
(It's a run-on sentence, and it reads as if Team Rocket is turning blue.
Perhaps start with just "As Pikachu's eyes blinked, they")
Jessie and James started to cling to each other as the air started to
ripple
around Pikachu, his fur starting to change colors.
J&J: Hmmm... actually, this is kind of fun!
MEOWTH: Hey! Quit yer huggin' and do somethin' about the Pikachu!
Stripes turning lighter
and main fur turning darker until a lightning wave washed over the
smaller
opponent changing the fur completely to black with golden stripes.
(Sentence fragment. Also needs a comma after "opponent".)
Frozen in their terror Jessie, James and Meowth clung to each other as
Pikachu finally released the pent up energy at the team that had been
a sore
spot for him in his journey through the Johto league.
CASEY: Hey! Just because I annoyed you with stories about the
Electabuzzes doesn't give you the right to blast them!
You need a comma after "terror", and probably another after "James";
although I believe the latter is optional, the sentence feels very
strange without it.
PIIIIIIIIIIII KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SEYACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Saiyachu? That's a new one on me...
((Needless to say Team rocket were broken down into their component
molecules by the attack.))
Yeah... and their 'R' dropped into lowercase. That's some attack!
You might want to actually make this part of the prose rather than a
parenthetical. You're losing the humor this way.
As Ash, Brock and Misty came out of their hiding places and Misty
looked at
Ash, then to Pikachu and back. "Ash? What the heck just happened?!"
Remove the "As" from the beginning of the paragraph.
==
End scene? Awww... I wanted to see Ash's response.
Meanwhile in the Otherworld, King Kai is listening, his antenna
dipping
occationally when he is shorted out with a Yell. "What the Heck was
that!"
occasionally
Comma after "meanwhile", lowercase "Yell" and "Heck" (I know this isn't
a Hell reference, because it was "HFIL" in the dub).
Yeah, I want to know too! What the heck WAS that?
It's certainly an interesting idea... but perhaps I missed the
punchline. I would've liked to see a little more, particularly in Ash,
Misty, and Brock's response to Pikachu's Saiyan transformation. There's
got to be some humor potential there that you can work with.
- Nidoking
SHEERI: Hai!
OTTO: Excuse me?
SHEERI: Hai! It means "yes" or "OK" in Japanese!
OTTO: OK, OK... I know you had a bad time finding work in Japan, and I
know this gig was the only thing you could get, but if you're gonna be
in an American comic strip, you're gonna hafta speak English! Japanese
lines might be cute and all, but we're not a manga... It just doesn't
have a place here, OK?
SHEERI: Hai, hai... Gomen ne.
OTTO: Which is Japanese for "in one ear and out the other," apparently.
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp
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