On Sat, 20 Oct 2001, allyn yonge wrote:

@@Author notes at the end, please. Disclaimer?
@@@@

Disclaimer?  D'oh!  That's what I get for not writing in months.

<snip>

@@VERY VERY good beginning.
Grabs the readers attention.
@@@@

Thanks.

<snip>

                                 ***

   Meanwhile, Ranma was bounding through the streets
of the town on all
fours.  Occasionally, he would stop to take in an
interesting smell or
send a small animal flying into the air.

   At the same time, a woman with long, dark green
hair was returning

>from her shopping and noticed Ranma and his odd

actions.

   To Setsuna Meiou, the chaos around the boy was an
almost tangible
force.  Her vision seemed to skew when she gazed at
him; the future
splitting along a thousand different paths as the he
moved.  In no way
did this alarm her.  While such strong chaos could
indeed limit her
local perceptions, in the broader view of time even
chaos played a
necessary role in the skeins with which she was so
familiar.  For a
single individual to have so much around them was
quite unusual,
however.  Her curiosity piqued, Setsuna angled toward
him.

@@Excellent. Beautiful use of description and action.

Thank you.  This is one part I wrote recently and I'm very glad I didn't
leave it the way I originally had it.  In my first writing, the
description was far too bland.  I'm glad someone else liked the end
result.

<SNIP>

   "Aaa!  My face, my face, my beautiful face!" cried
Setsuna as she
held her injured face and rolled on the ground in
agony.

@@LOL

I'm evil, aren't I?  :)

<snip>

@@Funny and clever. You might try to think of an
ending
with a bit more punch,(for instance, Ranma might get
the old-woman's face at the very end, to finish out
your running gag) but very nice overall.
Good job.

Yeah, endings have always been one of my weak points.  I'll take your
advice into consideration.

Thanks for the C&C!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Josh Green, aka Pi -- sort@bucket.pp.ualr.edu
       http://bucket.pp.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'