My comments@@
Best taken with a large grain of salt.
Date:
Sun, 07 Oct 2001 12:41:20 -0700
To:
ffml@anifics.com
From:
"Warr" <warr@gci.net> | Block Address | Add
to Address Book
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma][Repost]Woa See Huan Suay
Author's notes: I first posted this little fic back
in '99. Seemed
like a good time to repost it, what with all the
conjecture about
Akane and swimming. ^_- Any comments, good, bad or
neutral are
appreciated.
@@Author notes best put at end of story.
Disclaimer?
Woa See Huan Suay
by Warr
@@Ummm . . .I'm always interested in furthering my
knowledge,
but this title was lost on me. IMO, it's better to
have a title in
English, since that's the language of the target
audience or at
least an English translation OR use �foreign' words
that most
FFML readers will recognize. (Easy words. ^_*)
@@@@
I love water. I always have and I hope I always will.
Whether it's
sitting on the shore of some lake, sunbathing at the
ocean beach or
even just walking the rain; water has a comforting
presence that I
enjoy being around.
@@Nice mood setter.
I remember back when I was about three years old - my
parents took me
to this large lake for a small picnic and a day of
fun. There were
other families there with their kids and everyone was
having a good
time. Mothers were handing out food while keeping an
eye out for the
youngest kids, fathers were drinking Kirin or watching
their wives and
the kids were swimming in the lake or splashing about
the shore. I
saw how easy and fun swimming looked and asked my
father if I could
go swimming with the other kids. He asked if I knew
how and relented
to my resounding, "Yes!"
@@Cute. But "father" wouldn't know if she could swim
or not? Or is this a comment on the absence of
Japanese fathers from the home? (Or this father in
particular?)
@@@@
So I ran to the end of the dock jumped in and
immediately started to
sink. It wasn't nearly as easy as it looked and I'd
never been
swimming before in my life; needless to say, my
panicked father had to
jump in and save me. I took it in stride, no way
would one little
mishap keep me from this element they call water. It
had a grip on
my soul.
@@nice again.
We are lunch after Dad and I dried off then while Mom
packed up I
wandered off to walk around the lake.
@@"We are lunch"? Typo? "We _ate_ lunch", perhaps?
About and hour and three-fourths
of the lake later, my frantic parents found me and
yelled at me for
getting lost. I hadn't been lost; I'd been walking
around, enjoying
the lake that they had brought me to, the view and the
sheer wonder of
it all. Try explaining that to parents who walk away
from their
picnic to find their child missing. I still visit
that lake and hope
to take any children I will eventually have there,
though, hopefully
without any incidents such as the ones I caused.
@@You might want to tighten this up a bit.
EXAMPLE::
After lunch, I wandered around the lake. Maybe I
should
have told someone where I was going. Parents get so
excited over
little things. I hadn't been lost. Try explaining
that, though.
I still visit that lake, and hope to take my
children. They
better not get lost.
@@NOT the only or even best way to do this. But, IMO,
this particular section would benefit if it were a
little tighter.
@@@@
Many people also complain about the rain, but I love
that as well.
While everyone else walk around under their umbrellas,
I will sometimes
find myself tossing the umbrella aside and reveling in
the rain. The
sound of the drops splashing on the ground, rooftops,
empty cars and
windowpanes leads to a symphony of nature's creation.
My favorite thing, though, has to be a long hot bath.
I slide into
the warm liquid which engulfs me in its soothing
embrace. The
pressure of the water works loose muscles I didn't
even know were
taut and as I step out onto the cold tiles bringing
with me the
swirls of the mist, I know, if only for one second,
that all is
right in the world.
@@Hmmm . . .this is probably stylistic, but I'd modify
this section slightly
as well.
EXAMPLE::
Many people complain about the rain, but I love it.
While everyone else walks around under umbrellas, I
sometimes
toss mine aside, reveling in the rain. The sound of
the drops
splashing on the ground, rooftops, empty cars and
windowpanes, is a symphony of nature's creation.
My favorite thing, though, has to be a long hot bath.
I slide into
the warm liquid which engulfs me in its soothing
embrace. The
pressure of the water works loose muscles I didn't
even know were
taut and as I step out onto the cold tiles, bring with
me
swirls of mist. I know, if only for one second, that
all is
right in the world.
@@I think this slight modification makes the whole
thing
more immediate and personal.
@@@@
Lately, however, I find water a pain, especially� cold
water. No
longer do I run freely through a summer rain storm.
The rain drops
bring sadness where once they found only joy. I
think these thoughts,
ironically enough, while walking down the road hiding
under an umbrella
from the rain with my fiancee. It is just now,
however, that I find
resolve to do the thing that earlier had annoyed me.
I turn to my
fiancee and before letting doubt creep in, I ask,
"Ranma? Will you
teach me how to swim? There's a heated, indoor pool
just down the road.
It would get us out of this cold rain at any rate..."
@@Nice little slice of life.
Very nice.
^_*
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Okane-ga zen zen-o mote imasen.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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