Comments@@
This is just what I think,
other readers may disagree.
From:
"Linda Shen" <echonymph@msn.com> | Block
Address | Add to Address Book
To:
ffml@anifics.com
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma] Glimpses
Date:
Fri, 12 Oct 2001 21:00:31 -0400
Hey all,
I've been dormant too long, the fingers are starting
to itch to post
something as opposed to internalizing and editing.
This is *OLD*, actually,
this is the FIRST piece of Ranma 1/2 fiction I *ever*
wrote, and I suppose
there're some obvious clues that it was my first ever
attempt (not the
pairing and the pathetic writing style, not to say
that it has improved
much...), but here we go:
@@Ummm . . .author notes should go at the end. And
NEVER disparage your own writing. That's MY job. ^_^
DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi
and Viz Video. No
profit is being made from this work of original
fiction, and no infringement
is intended.
RATING: PG (I think I use a pooty word in here)
@@Really? Is that Ancient High Pooty or the Northen
Mountain dialect?
ARCHIVE: Rakhal, Phu, and Reddeath have my express
permission, everyone else
please email me at echonymph@msn.com and ask first.
=====
GLIMPSES
- by ling
=====
The Tendo training hall was normally tranquil, and
regardless of the uproars
that occurred every few months or every few weeks, the
relative peace of the
small, suburban house was overshadowed by the rumors
that ran rampant about
it. What with she-males and pandas running amok in
the city of Nerima, what
was to be expected other than utter insanity within
the Tendo Compound?
But what people saw on the outside were mere glimpses.
And those exaggerated glimpses were all they'd ever
know.
@@Hmmm . . . I _almost_ like this. The concept is good
and
"But what people saw . . .glimpses."
is very good.
The initial paragraph suffers a bit. It lacks punch.
And saying "The Tendo training hall was normally
tranquil . . ." seems contradicted both internally and
regarding canon. I _think_ that what you are trying
to say is that, despite the appearance of insanity
the Tendo home itself remains untouched. An
interesting idea, but your presentation needs a bit of
tweaking.
I also think that you have a stronger effect if
you stop with ". . .mere glimpses."
And delete "And those . . .ever know."
EXAMPLE::
Outwardly the Tendou home seemed to contain
the heart of chaos, riven every few weeks, by
pusillanimous pandas, crazy kendoists, flammable
phoenix (of several varieties) and an almost
numberless host of other disturbances
But what people saw on the outside, were mere
glimpses.
@@NOT the only way to do this, but it illustrates a
point. Keep that opening paragraph simple and short.
Get to the punch line quickly, then stop.
"Akane?" Ranma asked as he peeked into her room, she
glanced up at him
quickly, prepared for a fight, but open for a rare
moment of peace between
them. He took three giant steps and landed in a
sitting position on her
bed, he looked sheepish, and Akane realized that he
had a notebook clutched
in his hands.
"What is it, Ranma?"
He glanced up at her, and throwing caution to the
wind, he started, sounding as confident as humanly
possible, "You know I'm good at a lot of stuff, and
I'm also the biggest hunk in the world." He opened
one eye cautiously to see if Akane had brought out her
mallet yet, instead, he found her looking bored and
skeptical.
@@I'd drop the "biggest hunk in the world" and
substitute something else. It seems to be a bit of
overkill.
"And?" she asked sarcastically. "Are you just going
to extol your virtues to remind me of what a wonderful
fianc� you are, or is there more?" He glowered at her
and continued, his voice much softer this time around:
"I'm getting to it!" He paused, looking meekly down
at the notebook. "I may be good at lots of stuff,
Akane, but I really suck at math." He peeked back up
at her, checking yet again if she was going to hurt
him. She just looked confused.
"So?" she asked.
"So!" he yelled, getting angry, "I was just going to
ask you for some help! I'm sorry I even tried." He
made to leave when he felt her grab his free
hand. When he glanced back over, Akane bore an
apologetic smile.
"Sorry, Ranma, I'm just not used to you asking me for
anything except to drop dead or leave you alone." He
felt instantly guilty again.
@@Hmmm . . .dialogue is a little weak.
EXAMPLE::
What is it, Ranma?"
1) He glanced up at her, and started, trying to sound
as confident as possible, "You know I'm good at a lot
of stuff," he began modestly. "I'm a good cook an a
great martial artist an' I'm better built as
a girl an'----"
{I've shortened Ranma's dialogue and added "he began
modestly" to add a contrasting tone to his words. This
makes him sound even more irritating.
I could have left "biggest hunk" but I rather liked
repeating a line from the anime.This is purely
personal.}
2) "And?" she asked sarcastically. "Are you just
going to extol your virtues or is there more?"
{Again, shortened Akane's dialogue. This makes Akane
sound more short tempered.}
3) He glowered at her and continued."I'm getting to
it!" I'm good at lots of stuff . . . but I really
suck at math." He finished in a rush.
{Shorten again. "finished in a rush" helps reinforce
that Ranma is embarassed.}
Akane just looked confused.
"So?" she asked.
4) "So!" he yelled, getting angry, "I was just going
to ask you for some help! I'm sorry I even tried."
He made to leave when he felt her grab his free hand.
He glanced back to see Akane smile apologetically.
{editing again to go with Ranma's actions, which are
short and sharp. Agitated.}
5) "Sorry, Ranma, You just make me so mad sometimes
when you tease me."
{here I've made some dialogue changes as well. It's
Ranma's teasing that makes Akane mad. I'm not aware
that he's ever told her to "drop dead"
Plus, he _was_ teasing her a bit earlier and this
ties that together and goes well with his next line.}
He felt instantly guilty again.
"Akane � I don't really mean all those mean things I
say all the time," he muttered, lowering his head.
Akane rewarded him with a smile and grabbed his
notebook.
"Now," she said, "where do you need help?" He grinned
and pointed to the problem.
@@Again, a bit of editing might be useful.
"Akane � I don't really mean all those mean things I
say," he muttered, lowering his head.
Akane rewarded him with a smile and grabbed
his notebook.
"Now," she said, "where do you need help?"
@@One of the biggest problems writers have (myself
included) is being too wordy. It's not only what you
say but how you say it. Timing is very important and
simply changing the word order or adding or deleting a
word can have a profound effect on a story.
=====
"Nabiki, do you want the first aid kit?" Kasumi called
from the kitchen.
Her younger sister looked up and asked:
"Who needs the first aid kit?" Kasumi stood there
with the white case in her hands.
"Well," the eldest Tendo ventured, "Ranma has been up
in Akane's room for nearly two hours, and I haven't
heard any yelling yet." She brought her
hand up to her face. "I just supposed that he was
already unconscious."
Nabiki shook her head and grabbed the box.
"Yeah, I better go up and check on them anyway."
@@Cute and well written. IMO it would be better if
you reversed the Kasumi/Nabiki roles.
=====
"Are you serious?" Akane asked incredulously. Ranma
nodded, barely able to repress his laughter.
It was unimaginable that Akane did not know of the
near one hundred boys that attacked him every day in
the locker rooms to avenge the loss of poor Akane's
availability. He grinned and replied jokingly, "I
mean, I tell them that they can have you, but you
know, they just don't listen."
@@Errrr . . .I'm not sure that anyone at Fuurinkan
(except Kuno, father and son) would be insane enough
to attack Ranma. At least not like that. They might
be splashing him with cold water to get a �peek' or
something equally silly. And it might be better to
have Ranma �tell' what happens,rather than make that
part of the narrative.
EXAMPLE::
"Are you serious?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, _every_ damn day it's
�Ranma, it's your duty as a man to help us learn how
to touch a woman'," he mimicked, shuddering in
disgust.
"Buncha perverts."
Akane fell off the bed.
"Hey! It ain't funny!"
"Y . . .yes it is." She gasped. " Now you know how I
felt all the time."
@@etc, etc. etc. In this case you could have a little
girl-girl bonding about how perverted boys are
and all they want to do is grope girls.
@@@@
She swatted him on the shoulder and tried to fake a
glare.
She was failing miserably.
There was something about this Ranma that didn't tease
her and wasn't being beaten to a crust by her that she
didn't recognize.
He wasn't really this nice, was he?
Looking at him intently and found it hard to imagine
that this was the boy she saw day in and day out. The
one on whom she vented all her anger, the one who
teased her and called her fat and uncute. He was
staring out her window at the sky, a handsome smile on
his face.
And when did he become so attractive anyway? Last she
remembered him, he
was a loud, brassy, annoying hentai who did nothing
but cause her misery.
Not at all like the funny, shy, math-hating guy
sitting on her bed and staring out her window.
When he turned back to her, the smile was still on his
face, but his beautiful blue-gray eyes were now
focused on her. Akane hid a blush and turned back to
her desk, unwilling to admit to herself that she found
him cute.
That she found him distracting.
Especially when he flashed her the smile that was the
reason why the female population of Furinkan High
followed him around like a God.
@@Nice. This is a good bit, but you need a more
detailed build-up to make this transition believable.
It's nice and WAFFY, but it feels too abrupt. I like
it as a scene, I just want a more detailed story to
build up to this point. More of a struggle.
<SNIP>
=====
<SNIP>
Because, after all, her anger was just a glimpse of
herself.
@@Good tag line. Very nice.
@@Some good bits, but it needs editing to get rid
of some of the fluff. The biggest failing is that
there
is no dramatic tension. Not necessarily fatal in a
a slice of life story, but this is so smooth as to be
unbelievable. The fun part would be seeing some
of the rough edges being polished off. And you really
don't see enough of Akane's anger to fit in well with
your " . . .anger was just a glimpse of herself."
[which, btw, is a nice idea]
A good idea with some very nice bits.
Well worth spending some time
and effort polishing. Edit to remove some
of the extraneous bits. Don't have things
work so smoothly. Give Akane more
of a reason to be angry and keep her angry
longer. I like your underlying theme, so
build on this. You want to try and make
Akane see a reflection (glimpse) of her
anger in Ranma so you've got to have more
tension and sustain it longer.
Otherwise it should be MUCH shorter and
avoid the "glimpse" and "anger" portion
of the story. Just make it a short
slice-of-life and stop when Akane
first picks up Ranma's note book to help
him study. (or very shortly there after)
I hope this helps.
Keep writing, I'm looking
forward to more.
____________
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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