Greetings!
Yes, I know. This chapter has been out for so long it probably can't
remember where it lives any more. I'm still struggling to catch up, over
here, and my mid-terms haven't helped much. Suffice to say, I'm incredibly
sorry it took me so long to get to this, because it's an awesome story, but
I was unavoidably detained. Since I always believe that late is better than
never when it comes to C&C, here is my own humble attempt to comply. ^_^
Keep in mind that these opinions are all entirely mine, and my mental status
has been proven "iffy at best" in the past. At any point in this message,
you may decide that I have gone reeling into some deranged rant that you
completely disagree with. Feel free to whistle some aimless tune and stare
at your watch until you think I'm done.
In other words, anything I say is IMHO. Proceed at own risk. ^_~
Eternal Heavens
Authors Forward: The Lord Of Destruction kicked ass!
Hey! That's more than four words! I call shenanigans! ^_^
I'd like to thank Sethra first off for her initial preread of
this chapter, as well as various others who've added their input
(and characters).
Yeah, thanks Sethra! Whoever you are, rest assured that you probably made my
job(namely nitpicking) much, much harder at this end. ^_^
And I'd also like to beg and beg shamelessly
for C&C of any type, oh PLEASE! Please FFML! I BEG OF YOU! >_>
<_<
Hmmm... I give that begging a 7.3 on the suck-up scale. Still, it's not bad
for a start. This kind of shameless grovelling takes practice. ;p
Gathering of the Children
-Unknown Conflict
<Opening Theme - Sweet Child o Mine - Guns and Roses>
<Excalibur - Richard Wagner>
He walked with the weight of several lifetimes bearing him
down.
Uh... the only time that something "bears" DOWN is when it is moving
threateningly towards something else. Otherwise, the idea of "bearing", like
"bearing" a burden, or a load-"bearing" wall, is to hold things UP.
You may want to use a word like "wearing", "weighing", "pulling", or
"dragging", instead.
He'd seen countless battles in his time. He'd fought in
wars that had stretched from one end of his galaxy to the other
when his people were first establishing their place in the great
wheel of the universe. His fighting skills in the family he
hailed from were unmatched, save by his Lord, his Lady, and their
children.
Sounds pretty matched to me. ^_^
Maybe if you changed it to "were surpassed only by his Lord, etc."?
Because of his great experience and even greater
power, he had been given the great honor of instructing
Wow, this guy must be something special. Look how great he is! ^_^
I think you've got a little bit of unintentional repetition there, buddy.
"great" experience, "great" power, and "great" honour? You may want to
change at least one, maybe two of those "great"s into other words.
generations of nobles from the family he served, until it was
time to for them to take their place in The Empire.
Because of this, it was he who was given the awesome task
to deliver the ultimatum.
Nameless Guy: I am so psyched! This task is gonna be AWESOME!
Sorry about that. I know that you meant "awesome" in the original sense,
that of inspiring awe, but I'm afraid our generation was exposed to four
mutant turtles who ruined that word's meaning forever. I suggest you replace
it.
I find that "terrifying" is usually a good fill-in.
The man exited the gates of the fortress carved within the
tallest of the peaks
What peaks?
and looked about him at the range of snow
covered mountains
Oh, THOSE peaks. Never mind. ;b
Might want to mention that these mountains exist before you say that the
gates are built in the biggest of them. Description is good, my friend:
include it as often as possible.
and deep, seemingly bottomless, canyons that
all served as home for the family he was sworn to protect. The
Y'tack, an honorable and noble family stretching back into the
time before recorded history, when the clans of the Tetran were
young and struggling to survive on their homeworld. And
this...this was their very heart. Here the Lord and his Lady
resided with their children who would have one day grown up to
inherit the vast resources of their family.
But, of course, that fortune was long gone, lost to feed his Lord's vile
addiction. The man sighed. Damn those Lays potato chips! YOU COULDN'T EAT
JUST ONE!
It would be a miracle if they survived this day, he knew.
As the gates closed behind him, he looked back half in surprise,
and half in relief that they had done this. Now he could only
turn back, and resign himself to facing this destiny; hoping
those gates would hold back the darkness that rushed to face
them. If only for a little while.
This scene seems rather bland so far, buddy. I mean, you say that the gates
closed, but there's no real description. Did they creak? Did they clang? Was
there a thundering slam as though they would never open again? What about
the world? Is it warm? Is this guy sweating, or is he being sliced by an icy
wind? Does the air smell of beautiful flowers, or of slowly decaying
corpses?
Remember, people have five senses, not just one. Describing sight is good,
but sounds, smells, touches and tastes are even better. It makes the scene
that much more gripping and realistic.
So far the lone figure standing only meters away, who was
dressed in clothing that was so black it seemed to suck at the
very reality around him, had not moved.
See, now HERE we have an awesome piece of description. "so black it seemed
to suck at the very reality around him". Now THAT'S some pretty darned black
clothes. That's so cool, I think it deserved its own sentence.
The being had just stood
there since delivering a fateful proclamation and subsequent act
of terminating all communications and traffic out of the Y'tack
star system. But if that lone figure made good on the threat
given....
Lone Figure: Oh, I'm doing it.
Nameless Guy: You mean-? NO! DEAR GOD, YOU CAN'T!
Lone Figure: Oh, but I can. As of now, you and everthing you've ever cared
about is going to get dubbed. BADLY! AND WITH SUB-PAR ACTORS! THERE SHALL BE
NO WORDFIT FOR YOU! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I AM EVIL!
Nameless Guy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
BTW, I'm not sure how important the termination of communications and trafic
is. Maybe if you trimmed that out, the sentence would run a little smoother.
On the other hand, I guess it explains why nobody comes running to help
these poor guys.
"Cyraqs," he sighed, wondering who the hell he was kidding.
That is such a cool name. ^_^
All of it was true. All the rumors and legends that their
race used to scare each their children into submission, and
frighten each other at night. Something had unleashed the only
thing those of the Tetran empire feared more than the Emperor
himself.
Dangerous, dangerous man, I take it?
Nice way to set the guy up. Makes him seem pretty ominous, but still doesn't
give away too much of what he can really do. Kudos! ^_~
What could it have possibly been to set off this
monstrosity?
Cyraqs: It's four in the morning, I ain't got no coffee in me, and you
Y'tack punks won't TURN DOWN THE DAMN STEREO! I've had alls I can stand, and
I can't stands no more!
The being before the herald quirked a little grin and
looked at him over the top of sunglasses which revealed eyes of
infinite space and starry skies. He looked upon those strange
cold eyes, and knew right then just how small and insignificant
he really was in comparison to what was represented before him.
Excellent. I like the descriptive passages here, man.
This was odd, as most who sported such hair
tended to curl either toward the left or the right. Not in this
case, but then why should normal rules apply when nothing else
did to this nightmare brought to life before the man.
Might want to end that last sentence on a question mark, pal. It's
rhetorical, but it's still a question.
Even this being's physical size was a contradiction. What
the herald was looking at should have been gigantic...bigger than
a whole quasar and monstrous beyond all sanity. Not this
unassuming barely five foot tall humanoid.
"Monstrous beyond all sanity"... I like that line. Print it, frame it, and
hang it on your wall. ^_^
"Mad One! The Family of Y'tack has existed since our race
came to be, and you'll not destroy us now! Remove your foul
presence from our Star System and withdraw your blockade! For we
will fight you to the death of every single one of us here!
Herald: We will spit down your neck! We will kick you in the buttocks! And
we shall say many bad things about your parentage! Now go away, 'lest we
taunt thee again!
Suggestion: I'd drop the "for" and just start the sentence with "we". Either
that, or turn the exclaimation point after "blockade" into a semicolon.
And
when this day comes to an end, it will be you, not us, that will
no longer be!"
Used the word "will" twice in the same sentence. May I suggest "it SHALL be
you, not us, that will no longer be!" ?
"Enough," the Mad One whispered. Yet the force that word
carried shattered the herald's eardrums, echoing over the world
and into the stars beyond.
Not one bit of snow or rock moved.
Hmmm... the flow on this piece seems a bit off, somehow. Maybe if you
juggled the words a little?
" 'Enough,' the Mad One whispered. Not one bit of snow or rock moved, yet
the force of that word echoed over the world and into the stars beyond. "
I think you can leave out the bit about the herald's eardrums shattering,
because that part is shown rather well immediately below. Of course, I could
be completely wrong. Flow is a difficult thing to work into a sentence, and
it's mainly a style argument.
The man who was the herald of the terms to the Mad One fell
to his knees clutching his slightly elongated ears, blood seeping
between his fingers. The Mad One actually waited 'til the herald
You seem to do this a few times throughout the chapter, but I'll only
mention it here: it's "until", not "'til". The shortened form is a little
bit too ungrammatical to be used in narration. Dialogue is okay, but
narration requires a more formal tone. Apostrophes of any kind are pretty
much taboo.
Heh. Gee, I know my grammar rules pretty well - guess it's because I've
broken all of them. ^_^
regained his feet and his eardrums had repaired themselves before
he spoke again. Not that the herald was expecting to have
survived, but then that was why this being -this dark god- was
called the Mad One. You never knew.
Mad One: I'm not mad! Sure, maybe I'm a little ticked off, but I wouldn't
say I'm really MAD!
Herald: No, we mean "mad" as in "crazy".
Mad One: Oh. Well, you got me there...
"I shall take your position...into consideration."
He almost sounded...sincere. In fact the Mad One looked to
be mulling it over with himself, talking to who-knew-what-force
raged chaotically in whatever it was that passed for his mind.
Mad One: Hmm... What say you, force in my head? Should I show these pathetic
beings mercy?
Force In Head: Carrots are fun.
Mad One: Indeed they are, force in my head. INDEED THEY ARE.
The snow stopped falling when the Mad One looked up again.
The wind, in fact all motion and sound had ceased. The herald
dared hope that they were to be spared when the Mad One smiled at
him suddenly.
The herald's shadow was permanently blasted into the
mountain that he had once been standing on.
"Hey!" The herald was heard to proclaim. "What the hell is WRONG with you?
That was my freakin' SHADOW! I needed that!"
"Sorry," the Mad One replied, squinting slightly as he adjusted his aim,
"that was an accident. Now hold very still..."
"Well, it appears your terms...are not acceptable," he
chuckled softly, ever increasing in intensity until he was
laughing uncontrollably.
Still laughing the Mad One raised his hand.
Everything went white.
"Crap," said the Mad One. "I knew I shouldn't have been laughing so loud
near an avalanche zone. Anybody got a shovel?" ^_^
-----------------
<BGM - Enigma - MCMXC A.D.>
Waking up, after a period of prolonged hibernation is
Don't need the comma after "up".
generally a jarring, disorientating experience. The mind has
trouble shifting gears from processing information from the realm
of the subconscious to that of the conscious in the amount of
time given for this transition. Confusion results, as one minute
the person in question might have been making love with the most
awesome goddess the cosmos had ever created. The next, the
Err, again with the "awesome". Try "fabulous", or "beautiful".
person is holding their pillow, wondering why they feel oddly
satisfied, yet wet and sticky between their legs. Confusion
subsides, reality sets in...then they look over and realize it
wasn't a pillow they were holding, but someone they met at the
bar last night. And unfortunately they had the beer goggles on,
because DAMN! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?
Truly the god of alcohol has an odd sense of humor.
Heh. I like this joke! ^_^
...But it doesn't really fit. It breaks up the flow, and pretty much
derails the entire train of plot for about a paragraph. And a rather long
paragraph, at that. I understand that you're trying to make a point: Kiyone
is confuzzed. Thing is, it's never good when the author spends too much time
talking directly to the reader. Nothing breaks the suspension of disbelief
quicker. You do it here for almost an entire paragraph.
My suggestion? Keep the joke, but have it be Kiyone who tells it. The rest
of this scene is through her eyes; have the WHOLE scene be through them. She
comes out of hyperspace and is trying to clear her head. "Boy," she thinks,
"this is worse than that time that I thought I was making love to the most
awesome goddess the cosmos had ever created, and woke up next to that
Bugblatter Beast of Traal. What the hell had I been drinking that night?
More proof that the god of alcohol has an odd sense of humour, I guess..."
Something like that. Mesh it into the story, so it doesn't make the reader
stop and blink. Smooth out the speed bumps, my man. You want this ride as
graceful as possible.
Still, as disconcerting as that would be, Kiyone would have
preferred something of that nature compared to the mind trip she
was experiencing after her prolonged trip through hyperspace.
"Two days?" she asked herself once her balance returned
somewhat. She checked the chronometer on the portable scanner
strapped to her wrist a second time just to be sure. "Ugh. Two
days."
Extra space after "Ugh", I think. One before it, too. Might be a formatting
thing.
She hated that. She so hated her current hyperspace travel
Kiyone: Gah! I, like, SO hate my hyperspace abilities! Y'know? ^_^
I think this is a typo. You meant to type "also", but the problem is that a
spell-checker won't catch this kind of error, because the result is still a
valid word.
abilities. They were as much a curse as a blessing to her
present state of being. True, she was far faster than even the
most advanced of the Galaxy Police ships, even Mihoshi's ship the
Yagami and her brother's ship the Midorishu. However, the
Quick note: you just said that Seion (the pilot of the Midorishu) is
MIHOSHI'S brother. The last person named, remember? The "her" in "her
brother" is referring to Mihoshi, whether you mean it to or not. ^_~
queasiness and disorientation she experienced shifting to the
state of energy required for hyperspace travel was not
comfortable to say the least. Coming out of hyperspace was far
worse.
Maybe it's just me, but you seem to be understating a little. There's
nothing wrong with that, but it might help if you added a tad more
description here. "Coming out of hyperspace made going in seem like sliding
down a hill", maybe? Or "Coming out of hyperspace was like trying to push a
square peg into a round hole - and from the peg's perspective."
Analogies kick ass - they're basically free description. For example, which
forms a better mental picture:
"her gun was very large and quite lethal"
or
"her gun was as big as the Titanic, and as deadly as the iceberg" ?
Just be careful; don't use too many of these, or you might end up sounding
like one of those private eyes in a film noir. ^_^
<TINY SNIP!>
She glanced back at the scanner on her wrist, and noted it
was still on the last page of the Quantum Destabilizer's user
manual. She'd actually managed to read its entirety before she
'fell asleep' in hyperspace, while absently wondering why
everything had to have a set of instructions that read in the
most monotone and lackluster way imaginable.
Huh. Out of curiosity, Kiyone had turned into energy when she shifted into
hyperspace, right? And you mentioned earlier that her mind had shifted out
of the state used for analytical processes.
So... how did she manage to read a user manual? Let alone find it boring?
Wouldn't that require analytical thought processes?
Maybe you should say that she had read that far before ENTERING hyperspace,
instead of implying that she somehow read it while travelling there. With no
analytical thought processes, she wouldn't even be able to tell individual
letters or sounds apart, let alone the words they formed. They would have no
meaning to her.
I've still got some problems with that scanner, BTW, but I'll get into that
later.
She waved her hand once over the scanner, and a small solid-
light control panel appeared above it. Tapping a couple of
buttons, a map of the star system she was presently floating
opened up above the panel, with a red dot blinking in the
unmistakable manner of 'you are here, moron!'
Heh. If Washuu had anything to do with that particular design, it would
actually SAY "You are here, moron". ^_^
Something occurred to her. "What star system is this?"
She's jumping BLIND? O_O
I know it would be HARD to control travel in hyperspace with no analytical
thought processes -y'know, unable to tell pesky little details like what
direction you were going, how far you had gone, or how long you had been
there- but if she actually CAN'T control where she comes out of hyperspace,
isn't going into it pointless? She'd only get where she was going through
dumb luck. And I mean MIHOSHI levels of dumb luck. Someone jumping blind is
the interstellar equivalent of Ryoga Hibiki. It's like sailing on the ocean
and not using a compass. Or a map.
She grinned as names were added to the five planets of the system
as well as the medium sized yellow star they were orbiting.
"Seion, I could kiss you!"
Kiyone: But you're not here, and I'm made of energy, and, well, there's that
whole 'incest' thing... not that anybody else in this anime seems to give a
damn about it...
<SNIPPAGE!>
"Mmmm...yeah, I guess I used up a bit of energy going all
the way across the galaxy." She chuckled and looked toward the
star of this system. "Ah...Sentinel Prime. You'll do."
Sentinel Prime: TARGET. MUTANT. EXTERMINATE.
Kiyone: Technically I'm a MUTATE. Y'know, like Spider-Man, or the Fantastic
Four. Now hold still and let me snack on that power core of yours...
Sentinel Prime: GET. AWAY. FROM. ME.
Kiyone unstrapped the scanner from her wrist, and unbuckled
the pack around her shoulders and waist. Then, using a small
amount of her power, she moved it a few feet away and prevented
the pack from drifting further.
Question: If Kiyone can control the pack with her powers, why did she strap
it to her? Couldn't she have held it near her with them while she travelled?
The woman of green energy wasted
no time in stretching out as if to embrace the light streaming
toward her. Immediately points of emerald light began shimmering
all over her...around her...in her glittering and twinkling in
patterns all their own.
"Mmm...yummy!"
Some used to go to the beach to get a tan. Now she'd go to
get a bite to eat.
Odd that.
Eats stars, does she? Nice touch. I don't remember if you'd mentioned that
earlier - it's been a while since we saw old Kiyone. Or rather, new Kiyone.
^_^
------------
Seion walked through the double doors of the Section X's
hangar bay - Level Twelve. Hardly noting the Space Craft of
I'm pretty sure spacecraft is one word, not two. And I wouldn't capitalise
it; adds too much of a Flash Gordon "Look out! He has a Space Craft!" feel
to things.
various design docked around him, he made his way to the back end
where he knew his ship, the Midorishu, resided. Hopefully she
wasn't busy with one of her...pursuits. She would be a total
bitch for days afterwards...or at least 'til she could find a
nice new computer to...
"Gd'Ay Mate!"
It's "G'day", actually. And the "mate" isn't capitalised.
His thoughts interrupted, Seion took note of the mammalian
biped, which spoke from a perch atop his ship. Without further
ado it jumped from the top of Midori and landed right in front of
the worried teal haired spy for a more. Aside from his utility
"a more"... what? You seem to have left a sentence unfinished in here.
jacket, it was dressed only in its fur, which was presently
covered in grease and other more exotic lubricants.
"I'd shake yer hand, but I doubt ya'd really want to be
covered in all the muck I've been wading through...crimeny! That
shit reeks!"
Well, tie me kangaroos down, sport! We've got a live one, here! ^_^
Seion shrugged, "Hey, you're the best there is at this,
Wallabee. You probably get paid more than I do. What the hell
are you complaining about?"
<snerk> His name is Wallabee? Excuse me a second, I think I need a glass of
water...
Wallabee considered that while he scratched his muzzle with
the impact hammer he'd been carrying. This only served to add a
few more stripes of muck to his face.
"Aye Mate, I do at that," he finally agreed. "But what
good does it do me, if I'm sucking ex'aust from warp cores all
the freaking time, eh?"
I'd recommend a "bloody" instead of "freaking", here. It's more in keeping
with the accent. "Freaking" is a rather North American expression I believe.
"Bloody" is British and Australian slang.
And again, "mate" isn't capitalised.
"Not too much."
"And then ya just got to come down here and rub in the fact
that yer fucking tha big boss..."
Since you're typing an Australian accent, you might want to drop the "g" on
"Fucking", and maybe even change the word to "Rogering", a slightly dated
(but Australian) slang term used to mean having sex.
"Is she ready?" Seion interrupted.
"Keep yer pants on, mate. You know she's ALWAYS ready."
Wallabee chuckled as Seion leveled him a sidelong knowing smirk,
Consistancy is important in accents, mate. Wallabee's is slipping. ^_^
Previously, Wallabee said "YA just got to come down here..."
Now, he's saying "YOU know she's..."
See the problem? Someone with an accent will occasionally pronounce words
differently from the way we are used to. But they will always mispronounce
them the SAME WAY. That's what makes it an accent.
"Don't worry. She's ready to fly far and fast. Hopefully fast
enough to keep the Major's cute butt from getting fried before
her time is up."
And here the accent is gone altogether. At least toss in a "mate" after the
"don't worry". And someone with an accent as bad as Wallabee's would
probably say "arse" instead of "butt". "Butt" is American slang, not
Australian. And I thought Wallabee was having trouble pronouncing a hard
"h", earlier. ("ex'aust", remember?)
Shouldn't he say "before 'er time", instead of "before her time"?
"I wouldn't be so worried if her old partner were with
her," Seion told him, "but since she's here at Section X and
Mihoshi's been assigned to the wayward children of the Jurai
Royal Family..."
"wayward". Well, I guess that's one way to describe them, all right... ^_~
Wallabee nodded in understanding, "Aye, it's not often you
get your own..." Seion glanced at him a slight warning in his
eyes, "...devoted friend," Seion rolled his eyes while Wallabee
winked, "to look after you."
Again: "your"/"yer" and "you"/"ya"
"Right. Devoted friend. You're going to get me in trouble
with the powers that be yet Wallabee."
The furred mechanic bowed, the motion for which started
where his hips connected to his legs, which were far better
suited for jumping, and causing his entire upper body to pivot
toward the ground. "Always aiming to please, mate. Anyway, you
best get going. The Chief's waiting for ya too."
"you" should be "you'd". Actually, it should be "ya'd".
Seion turned and sighed, "Great. Just great. Thanks..."
Seion watched the furry mechanic jump over him and then land on
top of another ship in the hangar "...Wallabee. Fucking Roo."
Need an apostrophe before "Roo".
<I Want Your Sex - George Michael>
He crossed the remaining distance to the Midorishu, noting
that indeed, the Chief was waiting for him, an amused smirk on
her pretty face.
"Chief! What can I do you for?"
She gave him a once over with her eyes, "You? Shit boy!
Need a comma after "Shit". ^_^
You're someone else's property at the moment. I don't dare do
what I'd LIKE to do with you now."
Seion groaned and rubbed his head, "Does everyone around
here know about that?"
"You forget where you are."
Good point. I mean, this is the main headquarters for about every spy and
covert operative in the GP, right? And probably a few freelancers. All in
all, anybody expecting to keep a secret in a place like that is either naive
or stupid.
Actually he hadn't, but was truly hoping that certain
details had not gotten out. But did whoever find out have to
spread it to EVERYONE!? Even Wallabee, the guy who, in his own
words, had his head constantly in a warp core, knew!
Tiny tense problem: it should be whoever "found" out, not whoever "find"
out.
"Can we just get this over with? Kiyone's going to be
going soon and..."
Two "going"s. I'd either change the first one to "planning" or the second
one to "heading out".
"You're the one who became her top man, Major." He ignored
what she was implying and tried to move past her. She moved
quickly to impede him. "Ah, Seion, you have no idea how much
trouble you cause me do you?"
Need a comma after "me".
Seion picked her up, and moved her from in front of his
ship's entrance. Quickly he walked up, and turned back, not
And you don't need a comma after either of these "up"s.
being able to resist a final parting shot as he closed the door,
Should be a period after "door", not a comma.
Aligning the nanites in his body, he sent a signal to the
station computer to terminate all active connections with his
ship. The effect was similar to the time when he was a teenager
and he was pulled roughly from between his girl-friends legs by
his hair and sent flying across the room. Just after he impacted
an adjacent wall, he was to be greeted by the angry face of her
father. Still couldn't figure out how he survived that one. Oh
yeah, running. Lots of running.
You seem to be including extra spaces after every period. Is that on
purpose, or just a formatting error on the behalf of my Inbox?
"HEY!" She protested.
Don't capitalise the "s" in "she". Exclamation points and question marks
don't affect the words outside of a quote. Treat them like commas.
A digitized image of an achingly beautiful and very nude
woman, colored in nothing but shades of green, appeared on the
main screen.
"Get the engines online Midori. We need to lift off two
hours ago."
Need a comma after "online". And it's hyphenated: "on-line".
"ooohhh..." she complained, "The main computer was sharing
Capital "O" on the "Ooohhh..."
Betcha weren't expecting me to get all grammatical about moans, did you?
Well, if you made more mistakes, I wouldn't have to resort to this level of
nitpicking. ^_^
ALL his new information with me!" Her hands began to rove over
her over abundant breasts, and down her digital torso between her
You need a hyphen between "over" and "abundant".
high-resolution legs, "He has such a large bandwidth since the
upgrade. I could have interfaced with him for hours and hours,
while he pushed his files in me and..."
"Midori..."
"Hey you're awful tense cutie! Why not connect up to an
interface port and I'll make sure you get serviced far better
than that Juraian..."
Comma after "tense".
"Don't go there." He warned.
Punctuation: "Don't go there," he warned.
She stuck her tongue at him, and licked sensuously once.
Turning over, she cupped her hands under her chin as if propped
up on the ground. The effect was totally given over to something
a mite surreal as her large bosoms floated freely in the space
beneath her, swaying as an algorithm mimicked breathing. "My
engines are all warm lubricated dear. You have only to give the
word, and I'll take you to heaven!"
I think you missed a word: "warm AND lubricated".
Seion couldn't help but chuckle. Trust his girl to put him
in a good mood.
"Then gimme some sugar baby!"
Comma after "sugar".
Midori squealed with delight. "Aye Aye Captain! I'm
getting off now!"
Comma after the second "Aye".
--------------
There was no way. There was no way in Hell that the
scanner's readings of the planet Primus were accurate.
"Nothing." She tapped it experimentally. No
change...these things were nearly indestructible, so it was
unlikely to be a glitch, but still..."No plants, no animals, no
people. Not even any bacteria or other microbes."
How was that possible? And if it wasn't some sort of
jamming (which she hadn't ruled out) and the scanner wasn't on
the fritz, what could make this possible?
Kiyone: Unicron? Nah, he usually doesn't leave the planet behind. This is
more Primacron's work...
Mad One: Ahem! It could have been me, you know! I'm big! I'm bad! I blow
shit up! I could've done this planet before breakfast!
Kiyone: Did you?
Mad One: Nah, this is more Primacron's work. But it COULD'VE been me! I
mean, you never know...
Briefly she considered calling for backup. She shook her
head in exasperation when she realized what she was thinking.
Old habits died hard. Even though she'd been on several
assignments with Section X, the urge to 'call for backup' when
something out of the ordinary popped up still figured largely in
her original training. That's what Section X, the division that
sent her out here, dealt with; so it rather defeated the intent
of the mission.
How so? They provide back up for everybody BUT each other? Isn't that a bit
illogical? ^_^
Or do you mean that Section X is meant to deal with things out of the
ordinary, in which case the more of them there, the better? I mean, if
nothing else, maybe one of the other agents has run across this phenomenon
before. It might be in their files, along with instructions on how to deal
with it.
Calling in is one of the most important things that a cop (and ESPECIALLY a
covert or undercover agent) can do. If you don't call in, and something
happens to you, then the agency learns nothing. Your death becomes
pointless.
That and the fact that it would take at least
three days for someone to get here made the idea somewhat
impractical.
This I believe. She might not be willing to wait for back-up, but I have
trouble accepting that a seasoned professional like Kiyone would proceed
without at least informing HQ of her location and situation.
Remember, even SHE didn't know where she was until she checked her scanner.
If something went bad, how would Section X know where to look for her? Or
what had happened?
<PH33R MY SNIPS!>
"Where is the capitol building?"
If anything had been recorded, she figured it would likely
be there behind heavily shielded archives. It was fortunate, she
noted, that there had been enough information on the Youma
refugee ships that maps had been acquired for most of the worlds
in their protectorate.
I thought that all the Youma's technology was biologically based. If there
was any kind of information left, wouldn't it have shown up on Kiyone's
scanners? She couldn't even find microbes.
Which brings me back to the first of those problems I mentioned I had with
Kiyone's scanner. If she can scan an entire planet on the microscopic level
from space, what the hell would she need to get closer for? Her scanner
overlooked entire cities, but it noticed that the microbes were missing? I
think it actually IS on the fritz. ^_^
An arrow pointing to her left appeared on the pink screen.
She turned to that direction, and resigned herself to flying.
Keeping to the ground, and avoiding possible aerial detection was
not an option with all the debris in her way. Phasing herself
through objects was also not an option; her computers and various
other gear would not be able to accompany her through solid
matter.
Which brings me to another important question about her scanner. How exactly
can she still have it? She can't phase her gear through objects, right? So
she must not have been able to convert the scanner or any of her gear into
energy, because then they could phase. Yet she travelled through hyperspace,
AS ENERGY, and still hung onto not only her scanner, but her pack full of
gear? How?
A pulsing green aura of power appeared around her as she
sprang into the air leaving behind an emerald colored vapor
trail. She flew slowly at first, surveying the destruction first
hand, and giving her scanner time to record the extent of the
devastation. Also she hoped to find some possible clues that
might shed some light on the situation.
Nothing, she concluded. This place is as dead as the
scanner says it is.
And the scanner told her that from orbit. But she checks one city block with
her own eyes, and then assumes that the place is deserted? If she really
didn't trust the scanner enough to check herself, would it kill her to try
more than one place? I doubt it would waste much time: she moves at light
speed.
Better to just get to the capitol building
and get the information first hand. Poking around in these ruins
won't get me what I'm pretty sure will be there.
She expects these people to have -what?- written down what was happening to
them as the entire planet got wiped out? While nuclear bombs were going off
like firecrackers on the Fourth of July?
Somebody better tell Kiyone that she still doesn't have all of those
analytical thought processes back yet. ^_^
Unless, she grimaced to herself, whatever hit this place
thought of that too? Still, it's a better lead than poking
aimlessly around this junkyard.
Nah, you go, Kiyone! I'm sure after whatever did this was done wiping out
life all the way to the microbal level, he just called it a day and went
home. ^_^
With that in mind she increased her speed until she felt
herself breaking the sound barrier on this world. While her
Which, sadly, was only ten miles an hour on THIS world. Youma were known for
moving very slowly. ^_^
equipment and clothing was built to handle such stress, it would
still create a rather noticeable sonic boom, and she'd rather not
draw any more attention to herself than she probably had at this
point (if there was anything to draw attention to, she added).
She wasn't willing to take more chances than she had to, and
besides...
Uh, if she actually FELT herself BREAKING THE SOUND BARRIER, there would
have already BEEN a sonic boom. It just wouldn't have reached her quite yet,
what with her flying faster than it, and all.
By the way, if she's worried about a sonic boom now, at the lowly speed of
Mach 1, what kind of a boom did she make when she landed at the speed of
light? And if the speed of light is quieter, faster, and makes her
invisible, why not fly to the capitol building at that speed? She's already
decided not to delay any more.
This place was really making her wish she was not there.
Which would be a reason for her to speed up, not slow down. ^_^
She arrived at the building in a few galactic standard
minutes, or at least what was left of it. It had once been a
proud structure of metal, and gold colored synthetics, standing
I thought you said that all of the Youma's technology was biological.
Wouldn't their buildings have been made from biological material, too? Or
did they import cement and metal from other planets?
<SNIP-SNIP!>
"Now what did you want me to see again?"
The man smoothed back his shock of bright red brown hair
and gestured to the world below them in space, "Take a look."
The other lifted his reed boshi and did as he was bid.
Er... I'm sure as hell not one to preach on the evils of gratuitous japanese
in fanfics, but I think you might want to say "hat", here. Unlike some
words, like "katana", "shuriken", "dojo" and so forth, "boshi" really isn't
one that is universally known to all readers. And as it's used here, it's
kinda hard to tell what it means from context.
Maybe if you said "tilted his reed boshi back on his head" or something?
<SNIP, AGAIN!>
The server was dead. It's once bright green vines, firm
"Its" is the possessive of "it". "It's" is a contraction meaning "It is". I
know, it sucks, we hate it, I do it all the time myself. I think this may be
the most common error in all of fanfic writing.
branches, and crisp leaves were shriveled and dry. No life
pulsed in what used to be the very brain and heart of the
information system of this world. It was already beginning to
turn to dust as if it had been left derelict for years.
I gotta ask: is Kiyone really surprised? I mean, like I said, since this
stuff was biological, it would have shown up on her scanner if it was still
active.
Stupid scanner. I suggest she go to the nearest Radio Shack and hock that
thing. ^_^
The rest
of the place was similarly drained, the various terminals and
control points that once pulsed with bio energy surrounded by
teams of technicians...all decaying. She supposed it was
fortunate whatever organic materials these buildings were made of
was made of sterner stuff.
You said earlier that the buildings were made of metal, didn't you? I can't
remember for sure, but I think you did. You might want to go back and look
over that part of description, if the buildings are supposed to be made of
organic material. You might want to mention that a little earlier.
If this server were any indication,
"was", not "were". "were" is used for plurals, not singulars.
the buildings wouldn't last more than maybe a month. Two at the
most. It also explained why she had found no bodies. Such
deterioration would have taken them and anything similarly 'soft'
within hours of what could have done this.
What COULD have done this, she wondered again.
If she's wondering, she needs a question mark, buddy. I'd suggest after
"this" and before "she". Replace the comma.
Her shoulders slumped, and she let herself relax against
the wall.
NOTHING! She despaired silently. There's no way I can
And don't capitalise this "s", either.
Hehehe... grammar. My last resort, when C&Cing. For when plot holes don't
exist, spelling errors can't be found, and I'm too tired to make jokes. ^_^
<MEGA-SNIP!>
The chief was going to lighten her ass a few pounds when
she got back to HQ.
Chief: That's right, Kiyone! You're going on a diet! No more snacking on
stars between meals! That ass of yours is getting far too heavy!
Kiyone: Of course, sir! I'm sorry sir!
Chief: You're snacking right now, aren't you?
Kiyone: I am not at liberty to say, sir...
So far 'he' had yet to make any movement, hostile or
otherwise, in her direction. Well, let no one say I didn't at
least try to be civil, she smirked.
Morgan: Well, go ahead - she said to let you.
No One: She didn't at least try to be civil!
Mad One: No! My long-lost brother! How have you been?
No One: Oh, been better, Mad. Ever since this place got wrecked, I had to
move in.
Mad One: Why?
No One: Because No One lives here, now.
Morgan: Yeesh...
"Oi! Any particular reason you're trying to kill me? If
it's about the computer, sorry about that, but even you gotta
admit it was due for upgrade anyway!" She barely managed to
dodge the answering energy blast.
Yeah, the hard drive kept dying. Er, literally. ^_^
Quickly she returned fire in the form of a stream of pure
UEM force hitting it dead center in an explosion of emerald fire.
Two uses of the word "fire" in this sentence, pal. You might want to change
the last one to "flame".
There at the epicenter, the only thing left of 'him' was a
disjointed mass of body parts spread over the landscape.
She frowned. True, pure UEM was incredibly hard to shield
against, and that's what she just sent his direction, but still,
this should not have been so simple. There was no way something
as easily destroyed could have been what took this place out...
Has it occured to Kiyone that maybe the Youma race just didn't have any pure
UEM to throw at these things? I mean, killing Superman is easy, but only if
you have Kryptonite.
Nonchalantly, she pulled her side arm and shot it.
Funny, but I'm reminded of a scene from both Terminator 2 and Indiana Jones
at the same time. ^_^
She decided there was a certain morbid fascination involved
in watching the golden beam strike and envelope the object of her
"envelop", not "envelope". Envelopes are what you put letters in.
ire, scattering its presence on every plane of existence half way
across the galaxy. Not even a temporal shadow would bring this
thing back. Of course, the technology for that particular trick
was something Seion had told her about in passing as being so
tightly controlled by the Juraians and the Galaxy Academy that
even the mere idea it could be done was discouraged.
Holstering her weapon she turned and walked right into the
business end of a group of high-speed tentacles.
And, seeing as she's an anime babe, wound up in even more trouble than most
people can get into with high-speed tentacles. ^_~
--------------------
"How long?" Seion asked.
"Me, or you?" Midorishu asked. "Because I'M a few miles long, whereas YOU'RE
only..."
"Shut up!" Seion snapped.
All traces of her playful flirting gone, Midorishu replied,
"At least a couple of more hours."
Seion glanced at her engine indicators and snorted in
disdain. He was already pushing his girl way beyond her rated
tolerances and didn't dare ask her to warp hyperspace any
further.
DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! Why doesn't she ever listen to me!?
"I'd expect that's because she's related to you. Stubborn,
but loveable."
He glanced to his side, noting that she had chosen to go
with her holographic presentation vice her digital representation
I think you mean "versus", or "as opposed to". "vice" is either a clamping
tool or a type of sin. Not that Midori isn't full of both kinds of vices...
^_^
on the view screen. For a change she was actually clothed in a
modest white house robe over her green 'skin.' He still didn't
get why she was wearing old style glasses. Nor had he realized
he'd said the last aloud. Regardless, he took Midorishu's
comment in the manner it was intended.
He didn't say it aloud. I'd start worrying if I were Seion. And thinking as
many nice things about my pretty, smart, witty, powerful starship as
possible. ^_^
"Thanks beautiful."
Need a comma after "thanks".
She smiled whimsically and cursed she couldn't hug him.
"At least you had the foresight to tell her scanner to report
back to us. The time delay is nonexistent as close as we are."
"For all the good it does me now. She's bitten off more
than she can chew."
"She's strong. Like you."
"Yeah."
Midori: 'Course, YOU'RE a total wimp, so that doesn't help much...
<SNIP!SNIP!SNIP! ALL DAY LONG!>
So far she hadn't actually been hurt, but she was expending
energy. Far more than the weak rays of the sun were able to
replenish. It would only be a matter of time before she'd go
insubstantial weather she wanted to or not, and she didn't dare
Typo: "whether", not "weather".
The tentacle around her torso began to writhe around her
moving its tip up between her breasts and, "Hey, what are
you...HEY!"
What'd I say? ^_^
Y'know, ordinary girls can get grabbed by tentacles and not have to worry
about whether or not the owner will call them in the morning, but anime
girls... man! I'm surprised they ever leave their houses! Them danged
tentacles are freakin' EVERYWHERE when you're an anime girl!
Visions of that animated feature she and a few of her
friends had smuggled from Earth and watched completely blitz
drunk bubbled up in her mind as it slipped its appendage down her
collar and between her breasts.
I wonder why they always do that. Are they trying to give all tentacled
creatures a bad name?
I mean, take an octopus. They're fairly harmless, easy-going creatures.
Never go sticking their tentacles anywhere that tentacles gots no bidness
bein'. But there's all sorts of these tentacle critters out there, doing
people dirt, and giving the innocent little octopusses a bad reputation.
How's an octopus supposed to deal with that? All he knows how to do is
change colour and squirt ink. And it's not like he was going to win any
beauty contests. Now he can't even go swimming in shallow water without some
anime girl screaming and whacking him with a hammer. Is that fair? ^_^
"Oh no, you ARE NOT DOING THAT!" She dropped the gun and
began shooting it with her resident power. But for whatever
reason, be it her reduced energy state, their seeming ability to
adapt, or her distraction via the tentacle wiggling around her
pulchritude, it was just not doing the job.
Heh. Pulchritude. Nice word. ^_~
Suddenly it stopped, and she felt the tentacle change and
split apart.
Usually not a good sign... I have visions of Boomers dancing in my head for
some reason. This thing isn't going to FUSE with her, is it?
Energy assimilation? So these WERE to blame for what
happened here! Or at the very least were the weapons of those
responsible!
THIS IS WHAT DESTROYED THE YOUMA!
No, This WAS what destroyed them. Tenses, my friend, tenses.
Her eyes narrowed and she concentrated every last bit of
energy she dared muster into a single blast of bright green rage.
Admittedly not quite as precise as the QD, but the
resulting explosion and termination of that nanotech monster was
far more satisfying.
And here I thought she was too tired to resist. Good to know she overcame
it. You just never can tell what'll happen when you make somebody mad,
especially someone who can light by room just by walking into it. ^_^
<SNIP!>
"That wasn't very nice of them, was it? Molesting a pretty
little energy girl like you without permission is quite rude. At
the very least they could have ensured you'd enjoy it."
After all, that's only common courtesy. ^_^
And she was being held...by a Juraian?!
Kiyone sighed in relief. Oh, thank God! For a second, she'd been worried
that Mihoshi had somehow come to save her. ;p
"How do Major? Run into a bit of a problem did you?"
"Who..?"
"Name's Rumia. I haven't qualified as 'Juraian' for
centuries, so get that thought out of your head."
"How..?"
"None of your concern, pretty girl." He cocked a
mischievous grin at her, "Course if you see your brother before
we do, tell him I'll pay him that twenty I owe him in a couple of
weeks, eh?"
He never should have made that bet. Sadly, Rumia's near-godlike powers
didn't extend into the seedy realms of the game known only as... BATTLESHIP.
She suddenly found herself, still in Rumia's arms, in
orbit. "What..?"
"Had to get you out of there. Didn't want to confuse you
too badly, being who you are and all.
"After all," he added, "being related to Seion, you must already spend most
of your time confused..."
<HUGE SNIP!>
A bit of static and a moment later, a slightly grainy tenor
voice replied, "Oh man! Not you guys! Why oh why are you
getting involved?" A pause, "Is my sister okay?"
"She's fine," the older one holding the major assured him.
"Cool, cool." Another pause,
Seion : So where's my twenty bucks, then?
"Why are you all involved in
this situation? What's so important in the Sentinel Prime star
system to get not one, but two of you out there?"
Rumia hedged, "Well uhh...about that."
"Yeah?"
"Well, for one, I think you should quit talking about
Sentinel Prime."
"Why's that?"
Rumia: Well, he's overheard you. Talking all that trash, saying how you were
going to kick his tin-plated ass the next time you saw him...
Sentinel Prime: NO. ONE. RESPECTS. MY. SKILL.
No One: It's true, actually. He's very good, and I respect that.
Seion: Of course No One respects him! No One wants to be his friend! He
sucks! I can beat him any day of the year!
Sentinel Prime: BRING. IT. ON. BI-ZATCH.
Seion: J-5!
Sentinel Prime: ...
Seion: Well?
Sentinel Prime: HIT.
Seion: HAH! I RULE AT BATTLESHIP!
"Because..."
Kiyone was then treated to a scene she'd see in many a
nightmare to come, as the sun was sliced open by the forces
raging inside of it, to spew its cosmic guts all over creation.
Thankfully consciousness left her in short order when the
enormity of what just happened washed over her.
"...it's just not there anymore."
<End Theme - Dreams - Van Halen>
And a nice, suspenseful ending to a fantastic chapter. All in all, this was
very well done, K'thardin. You seem to have a small problem with your
commage, and one or two points (like Wallabee's accent) where your
continuity slips a little, but I think I was able to catch everything. I
gave this fic the old twice-over with a fine-toothed comb, so forgive me if
I came across a little too critical at times.
You've got great descriptions, good characterisations, and some amazing
fight scenes in this thing. Your plot is proceeding apace, and your
characters seem to be coming together a little. Most, if not all, of the
errors here are small and easily corrected, just a few grammatical gaffes.
As the last time you had them here, Kiyone and Seion are developing nicely,
and I for one find them wonderfully amusing. Wallabee and Midori were a nice
touch, and I'm sure that Rumia and his friend will be adding a bit of
flavour as well.
Great job, pal! Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear my bed calling...
^_^
Farewell!
-Morgan Hudson
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