My comments@@
Take what you find useful,
IGNORE the rest. ^_O
Remember, this is only
one opinion. Don't take
it too seriously.
Date:
19 Oct 2001 05:10:41 -0000
From:
"dev hunt" <numair@jusenkyo.com> | Block
Address | Add to Address Book
To:
ffml@anifics.com
Subject:
[FFML] [Ranma]Not Quite What You'd
Expect[Draft]
He's something I wrote for class, tell me what you
think.
Numair
-
Not quite what you'd expect
By: Devin Hunter
Disclaimer: I didn't think up these characters. I
borrowed them from Rumino Takahashi and the
rights are reserved to whoever actually own them. This
is not plagiarism, I'm just taking characters
from existing stories and putting them into a new
situation. Do not use while operating a motor
vehicle.
@@Keep the disclaimer simple.
It all started innocent enough. Genma, a fat
balding martial artist, found a very special
training manual. It was titled The Dreaded Cat Fist
Technique. After skimming the manual, Genma was
determined to add this to The Saotome School of
Anything Goes Martial Arts.
This School is very special in that only two
families in all Japan practice it. The Saotomes,
Genma's family, and the Tendos. Genma, along with his
friend Soun Tendo, were taught The Anything
Goes by the perverted Master Haposai. It was Genma's
dream to create a school that would best all
others, and then retire into the easy life.
@@Hmmm . . .I assume the capsule introduction is for
your class-members may not be familiar with Ranma 1/2?
A good idea, but the execution is a little choppy.
EXAMPLE::
Saotome Genma wiped the shiny dome of his
head and stuffed the dirty kerchief in his pocket,
settling the bulge of his belly more comfortably where
it overhung the belt of his gi.
The legendary Cat Fist. He couldn't believe
his luck at finding the secret manual. This old book
would make the Saotome School of Anything Goes martial
arts superior to the Tendou Ryu, it's sister school,
free him from slavery to their oppressive master, the
Pervert Happosai AND (most importantly) ensure that he
could retire young and rich.
@@Now, this is NOT the best way to do this
and certainly not the only way, but it does
illustrate several points.
SHOW don't TELL. ^_^
Rather than telling the reader that Genma is fat and
balding, SHOW this. In the first line Genma is
shown to be bald, fat AND sloppy. He's using
a dirty kerchief. ^_^ And the rest of the scene is
made more immediate. It's happening NOW,
as you are reading.
He took the manual back to the small camp he
set up while he and his son Ranma were training. As
soon as he reached the camp, located on the outskirts
of the nearby city, he sat down and read the
book in more detail.
The manual described an unbeatable technique,
it gave the user energy claws and cat-like
reflexes, and senses. The training method was easy,
dig a pit and put a moderate amount of starved cats
into the pit. Wrap the trainee from head to toe in
fish sausages and then throw the trainee into the
pit. The trainee will be able to leave the pit on
their own power once they learn the technique.
It sounded easy but unfortunately, only children under
the age of six could be trained in this
technique. There was more but Genma decided he wanted
to get started now.
@@Same criticism as before. This is too much
like a monologue. Rather than TELL the reader all of
this, SHOW the reader.
"What luck!" Genma said to himself, "Ranma
just turned six, this will be the perfect technique
that will make the boy unbeatable." Genma then got up
and went to look for Ranma.
It's important note that if Genma had read the
rest of the manual, he'd probably never would have
considered going through with it. Being the
improvident person that Genma is, he'd never think
what throwing a child into a pit of starving cats
would do to him. The manual says the warning on the
last pages of the manual, the same pages Genma didn't
read. This mistake would cost him his life
and any hope of Ranma living a normal life.
@@Ummm . . .DRAMATIC TENSION. In this case, you've
just let the cat out of the bag (intentional pun) by
telling the reader how the story ends.
Now it IS "Quite what you'd expect" ^_~
You CAN do this and still have a very good story. It's
been done, but it is VERY difficult. In this case
you've got to have such detailed and believable
characters and situations the reader doesn't care that
he knows the ending.
An alternative is to be a bit ambiguous. Set the
reader up and leave them hanging.
EXAMPLE::
"What luck," Genma thrust the manual in his pocket,
"Ranma's sixth birthday is today. This will make a
wonderful surprise for him."
Genma would be surprised as well.
OR
"What luck, Ranma just turned six." Genma thought
happily as he stuffed the manual in his back-pocket.
In his haste he never realized the last two pages were
stuck together.
@@Using something like these examples lets the reader
know _something_ is going to happen, but not what.
It's a little like the sinister music that plays
in horror movies. This lets the audience know
something is going to happen, but now what. It puts
them on edge, but doesn't release the tension.
<SNIP>
"Poppa? Why do I have to have these sausages
around me?" Ranma asked as Genma finished wrapping
the last of the sausages around Ranma.
"This is part of the training. This is so you
can learn the unbeatable Cat Fist." Genma finished
the sausages and took Ranma by the hand and led him to
the covered pit. "Ranma, I know this is a
difficult thing you must do but face it like a man."
Ganma then opened the hatch and pushed Ranma
in. "Make me proud son." is what he called after his
falling child before closing the hatch.
@@^_^ <BG>
Loved the "Make me proud, son".
Let me suggest some minor editing that will make
this scene smoother.
EXAMPLE::
"Poppa? Why do I have to have these sausages around
me?"
"This is part of the training, so you can
learn the unbeatable Cat Fist." Genma took Ranma by
the hand and led him to the covered pit. "Ranma, I
know this is a difficult thing you must do but face
it like a man." Ganma pushed Ranma into the pit. "Make
me proud [sic] son." he called after his falling
child, before closing the hatch.
@@{actually I think I like it better if you end simply
with "Make me proud, son."}
@@Mostly just cutting out some phrases that are, IMO,
redundant. One of my general suggestions for all
writers is to trim every story by one fifth. I picked
this number from experience with the AnimeFEST fanfic
writing contest, which has a 4,000 word limit. I find
that I often trim about 100 words
for every 500 written to make the limit AND end up
with a much better story. So, go through this story,
2111 words, and cut 422 words (about one fifth of the
total) This will force you to eliminate redundant
passages or scenes that contribute the least to the
story.
Ranma didn't scream as he fell, he just spun
in the air and landed on his feet. He was in
complete darkness and it smelled terrible down here.
It smelled of death and suffering. The air stank of
cat. Before Ranma could think of anything else, the
first cat latched on to him, tearing into the
fish sausage. It clawed away at the food, and was soon
was joined by others. In seconds the cats
were tearing into Ranma's skin trying to free the
sausages.
@@VERY nice.
<SNIP>
The End
Some nice scenes. I pointed out two
that I liked, and the transformation
scenes are very good. But rather
unevenly written overall.
Most of the �problems' can
be easily fixed with a little editing to
remove redundant passages. Change the
�narrative' passages to make them more
immediate . . .SHOW rather than tell.
The good stuff is very good, the less good
stuff (IMO) simply needs editing.
And don't give away the ending so early
on.
I will now make an observation that
is VERY subjective.
IF you want the "horror" ending
I think that it's better if less graphic.
Leave more to the readers imagination.
OTOH, it might be even more
effective if you set the reader up
for an obvious "horror" ending, then
switch at the very last moment to something
absurd or WAFFY.
I hope this helped.
Keep writing. ^_O
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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