allyn yonge wrote:

-Comments@@
It's only my opinion.
If you take it seriously
you'll get a stomach ache.

    I got a stomach ache anyway. :p

    Comes with the ulcer.

            Coming soon to a mailing list near you...

@@Disclaimer?
And [Titles] are good too.

    Title's at the bottom, we forgot the disclaimer. (One of them didn't _have_ an American owner when we started this, so tracking it down was tricky.)

@@Good start.  A couple of 'minor' changes.

EDIT::

1)    She sank to her knees on the hard packed dirt of
the road, panting with exhaustion and rage. "Hey! You
forgot me!"
2)    Taking the okonomiyaki that was in her hand, she swiftly painted 'LOYALTY' in  flawless, neat kanji.

    "I'll catch up, just you watch." she muttered,
scowling. "I swear upon this--"

 3)          A man she hadn't seen before interrupted
her angry thoughts. "Say, that's pretty good. You look
like you really have a feel for your brush."

    "Huh?"

@@@@

    Well, this was my scene, (since this is a colaberative effort between myself and Darth Menchi aka Taishi aka Corwin... and so it goes) so I can say... You're right. I can fix this pretty easily, though.

@@Let's look at the edits I made and why.
It's mostly a matter of preference, but I think
they make sense.

1) Shorter and more intense to help convey
the feeling that she's been running and can't
run anymore. I changed "scowling with rage"

to

"panting with exhaustion and rage" to reinforce
this feeling.

"scowling" IMO is too mild for this scene, but
works well later on.

    I can work with this, too. This is actually a scene from And lo the Mighty Have Fallen, adapted for Ecchi Party.

2)Same thing here. The original was too long
to convey her feeling. She's very angry and
she's been chasing someone who's left her behind.
The original was too civilized. ^_^

    Natch.

3)This was the most subjective change of all.
"how to manage a brush." just didn't sound right.
You 'manage' a Wal-Mart. ^_^
Another alternative . . .
"Your calligraphy is very good."
OR
"You are one with your brush."

I'm drawing heavily on old Chinese
and Japanese stories, especially dealing with Zen,
Tea Ceremony, etc for this change.

    Hm. The character in question learned... but that would be a spoiler. ;)

    I can, however, tweak it a bit so it meshes more smoothly.

    "You gonna eat that?" the man asked, leaning
casually against a tree on the side of the road.

    She stared at the okonomiyaki for a moment, then
flung it carelessly to the old man. He caught it effortlessly, and
sampled, taking a bite. "Not bad," he commented.

    "What do you mean about my brush?" she asked,
staring at the implement still in her hand.

    "You're good with it. Graceful. You want to tell
me what all that," he jerked his thumb in the direction that Ranma and
his father had left in, "was all about?"

@@Nice segue. If you add:
"direction her fiancee Ranma and his father . . ."
Or something similar it will make the story more
understandable to people not as familiar with Ranma.

    ...

    Run that by me again? There's people out there who aren't familiar with Ranma 1/2?

    Seriously, though, you _are_ right, and I goofed on that one. I need to make it a tad more subtle than you suggest to please my own sensabilities, but it's easily done.

    Sniffling, Ukyou's strength crumbled, and she
hesitantly explained the whole story to the man. "And now," she concluded,
"I'm all alone! How am I supposed to tell my father and support him
when he gets old?"

@@UKYOU: "Father, I have some good news----you don't
have to worry about fixing that squeaky wheel on the
yatai."

    Heh!

@@That last sentence is awkward.

    And Ukyou's a child. Children don't always speak as good as us people who are more older than them. ;)

    Stepping towards her boldly, the man chortled,
"YES!"

@@ "chortled"??? I dunno, it's kinda hard to take
seriously someone who 'chortles'.

    This is not a man you should take seriously. That's all I'll say until chapter one. ^_^

@@Eh? Ummm . . .perhaps it's his 'cape' that's
flapping?

    This is Corwin's scene, so I'll pass it on to him.

    Ranma woke up screaming, and lashed out violently,
socking his old man and Mr. Tendo, who had been
whispering into his ears to marry Akane already and
unite the schools.

@@<BG>
cute section, but I'd shorten it just a bit.

    This was a not-at-all-subtle joke on Fetter's 'Schools United' fic. Meta-humor abounds in this story. Much like in the original Comic Party, assuming we can pull it off.

    Ranma jerked himself out of the normal distracted
haze, trying to forget about the disturbing dream and its foreboding
warnings. Something felt... off.

@@His tuxedo?

    Heh! We both worked on this scene, so it'll be messy, but we'll see what we can come up with.

    "Oh, so the great Ranma Saotome is afraid of a
little girl screaming." Her eyes narrowing dangerously in sudden
realization, she frowned. "This had better not be another Chinese
Amazon after you," Akane threatened in a low tone of voice.

@@Errr . . .this was a little confusing. 1) " . . .just after Shampoo left..." When was Shampoo there?
2)Who is squeaking? At first I thought it was Akane,
but later it appears to be someone else. And later
still, it looks like it was Akane.
3)Why would Akane assume a Chinese Amazon?

    1: In the manga. Volume 3 or 4, I think. The first time she had come to Japan.

    2: victim.female.random -- Will try to clarify.

    3: Because that's the last thing that she had run across. Will discuss revision with Corwin. :p

    Ranma cursed himself for being so jumpy, and
slowly raised himself to his full height. Chuckling nervously and rubbing
the back of his neck, he stammered, "A-Another girl? What o-other
girl?"

@@But Akane _specifically_ mentioned Chinese Amazon,
now Ranma's made it generic. Doesn't flow well.

    Ranma's evading the issue. 'course, he's saying it a little oddly... Will revise. :p

    His fiancee didn't look convinced, and turned away
in a huff.

@@This bit doesn't make a lot of sense, to me. Who
squeaked? Why does it only take that to set Akane off?
Why is Ranma so nervous? The dream? That _might_
account for Ranma, thought I'd like more detail, but
it does NOT account for Akane.

    Akane's still miffed at Ranma for Shampoo. Also, keep in mind that this is a fusion, so some characters also take elements of the other anime it's being fused with -- in this case, Akane's got hints of Mizuke, Ranma's... well.

    You'll see. ;)

    Ranma sighed, and cursed his weird dream for the
umpteenth time. Who were all those weird girls, anyway? Damn that dream
for making him stammer! Damn his dream for causing him to think of
all those beautiful girls after him! Damn that dream for making him think
of Soun crossdressing...

@@Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
(I thought it was Tatiwaki, which was bad enough.)
@@@@

    The meta-humor again. :p

    A shrill female cry for help interrupted his
fiancee, making Ranma eternally greatful to the screaming girl. 'Wait.
Screaming girl?!' Breaking into a sprint, he shouted over his shoulder,
"Sorry, Akane, gotta save someone."

@@^_^

    <SNIP>

some really good stuff, but rambles a bit
too much, especially the last part, which I
snipped. That needs a lot of editing
to tighten it up.  The good parts are
very good and it's an interesting
premise. At least as much of it as
I can figure out. It does make me want
to know what happens next, which is good.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

    Well, there's more to one or two of those scenes (this was, after all, just a teaser) but it helps to be more familiar with Comic Party.

    Rampant meta-humor and in-jokes -- hence the Star Wars and Starship Troopers references in the Happi/Ranma dialogue. Still, it does   need to stand on its own, so we'll see what we can do. :p

    And Happosai as Taishi was too much fun to pass up. ^_^

    But, hey, thanks a bunch for the reply, and with any luck, Corwin and I will have chapter one ready to go soon!