Due to some unexpected Real Life problems
my writing and C&Cing has, once again,
hit a major roadblock.  I'll do as much as
I can, but apologize in advance for the delay
of both. 

Comments@@
It's just my opinion.
Take what you find useful, ignore the rest.


Reply-to:
         "Adam Brown" <a.brown10@home.com>
    From:
         "Adam Brown" <a.brown10@home.com> | Block
Address  | Add to Address Book
      To:
         "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
  Subject:
         [FFML] [Teaser][Ranma]Never Again
    Date:
         Mon, 15 Oct 2001 00:26:15 -0700





Hi all.  I've taken a bit of a break from One War
Three Sisters, but I hope to get back to it 
soon.  In the meantime, I'm working on this my most
current story.  It's sort of a Ranma + Original 
Character story, one that's done (I hope) a bit more
creatively than some of the others I've read 
(not that they're all bad, mind you.  Some of them
have been quite good.)  Yes, this will eventually 
be a 'new character solves Ranma's problems' fic, but
Amanda probably won't solve them in the way 
that most of you would first think.

This here's just a teaser of what will soon become a
larger story.  I hope you all enjoy.  If 
possible, I like C&Cers to pay particular attention to
the fighting scenes and some of the ranking 
terminology I use.  If it's accurate, the quality of
the fights, etc.  I hate writing fight scenes 
since they take so long to actually WRITE, so I wonder
if I'm skimping on them.

@@I'd put these author notes at the end. Especially
the bit
about the fight scenes. Don't prejudice the reader in
advance.
@@

Amanda and family are created/owned by moi.  Ranma and
Co. are owned by the all powerful Rumiko 
Takahashi and affiliates.

Enjoy!!


        Never again, she thought to herself.  Never
again.
        Amanda fingered the school uniform with a
feeling of distaste.
The jacket and dress was a dull brown with a white
blouse and red tie.
She hated brown.  In cosmological terms, she was a
winter,

@@AMANDA: I"m a G class star, my surface temperature
ranges from 
5,000 to 6.000 K and I have a Solar-type spectra with
absorption lines
of neutral metallic ions and atoms (eg. calcium)
growing in strength.


@@I _think_ perhaps you mean �cosmetological'
(although
I can't actually find that word, either. But it seems
a logical
derivation from cosmetologist.)
@@

 and looked
good in white, black, blue or grey.  The brown made
her look pale and
washed out.  If there was one thing she hated about
Japan, was the
necessity of wearing school uniforms.  If they ever
moved back to
Canada, she would never let herself get talked into
moving to another
country.
        "All right, already, you look beautiful. 
You're going to be
late for school too, if you don't hurry up."
        Amanda turned to the owner of the young
high-pitched voice.  She
looked back at her younger sister, Veronica.  The
thirteen year old's
dark brown hair came down to the middle of her back
and was tied back
into a loose ponytail.  Her hazel eyes glinted
mischievously, and she
gave her older sister a grin before ducking back
around the corner and
down the stairs.

@@Ummm . . .I'm not sure we need this much detail
about
what everybody looks like in such a solid chunk. At
least trim it a bit.

EXAMPLE::
	Amanda turned to looke at her younger sister,
Veronica.  
The thirteen year old's hazel eyes glinted
mischievously, and she
gave her older sister a grin before ducking back
around the corner and
down the stairs.

@@IMO, best to show what people look like/wearing
naturally
during the course of the story, rather than stop the
action to give
a static description. IF it's a plot point that
"Veronica" has 
"Dark brown hair" that "came down to the middle of her
back"
and this is the ONLY way to give the reader that
information,
then do so. Sometimes the author _must_ give the
reader a
large chunk of information, but try to keep it to a
minimum.




        "Like you care!" responded Amanda loudly, and
then shook her
head fondly.  The girl was all energy.  Sometimes she
envied her younger
sister and her limitless optimism.  She herself tended
to be more
reserved and cautious.  After checking over her
uniform one more time
and giving a sniff of distain, she ran downstairs and
joined her
sibling.

@@Nice. giving the reader a bit more character detail.
Again, I'd trim it a bit.


EXAMPLE::

	"Like you care!" Amanda  shook her
head fondly.  Sometimes she envied her younger
sister and her limitless optimism.  She herself tended
to be more
reserved and cautious.  After checking over her
uniform one more time
and giving a sniff of distain[sic], she ran downstairs
and joined her
sibling.


@@Not the only way, but the point is to get the story
moving
as quickly as possible.


        Veronica was already eating her meal, some
food left out by
their mother who had left for work an hour before with
their father.
Amanda joined her, picking up a spoon and digging in.

@@Don't need this bit about the food.

        "Why are you wearing your hair like that?"
asked Veronica.
        "Like what?" One of Amanda's hands went to her
hair defensively.
She usually wore her hair loose and down her back. 
Today, she was
wearing it up, partly tied in a tight braid and bound
by a leather thong
so she looked like somebody from an episode of I Dream
of Genie with the
rest going down to the middle of her shoulder blades.
        "Okay, if you want to look the weirdo, go
ahead."
        Amanda's green eyes narrowed. "Hey, we're both
foreigners.
We're going to get enough flak as it is.  I doubt my
hairstyle is going
to make much of a difference.  You remember what
happened when we first
moved here, right?"

@@Nice section. Again, trim it. But it gives character
information,
details that help flesh out your characterizations.



        Veronica shuddered.  "Please, don't remind
me."  On their first
day of school two years ago in Kyoto, they were both
subjected to a wide
array of teasing, bullying and social ostracism
because of their race.
It took about two weeks for most of it to wear off,
and only the most
bigoted continued the persecution.  They had both made
friends,
eventually.

@@This bit drags. It's another speed bump and clashes
with the 
previous very good bit.


@@TRY::

	Veronica shuddered. "Do you mean the time they put
frogs in my locker? Or the time they superglued me to
the basketball
goal and pretended I was the hoop?"


@@NOT the only way to do it, but IMO it's better to
have the character
to actively describe a few incidents. Next best would
be recalling
some specific incidents. And I'd leave out the "They
had both made
friends, eventually." IF this is an essential plot
point, you can
introduce it later by actually showing the friends or
in some
other more active manner. Keep the generalizations
and passive description to a minimum.  



        Amanda picked up a map and studied the route
to school.  It
would not do for her to get lost on the first day. 
"Why couldn't they
have enrolled me in a place like Furinken High?" she
complained.  "It's
a lot closer."  Amanda traced the route to the school
she would be
attending.  The name was, according to the map, St.
Heberiki High School
for Girls.  The trip there was an extra fifteen
minutes, but at least
she would not have boys clambering all over each other
to get a look at
her like at her last school.  Now, if she could just
concentrate on her
studies...

@@<LOL> Be careful what you wish for. ^_^
A very nice segue. IMO, you should DELETE most
of your beginning (the static descriptions) and get
to THIS part, ASAP. VERY funny and it will grab
the readers attention.
        "'Now, Amanda, your father has worked very
hard and has managed
<SNIP>  "See you later!" she yelled back to her
sister.  If there
was a reply, Amanda did not hear it.

@@I'd cut this section entirely. It dilutes the
punch-line
of your joke.


First Contact
        Amanda stared at the several buildings that
made up St.
Heberiki.  Her new home, six hours a day, five days a
week.  Six days
every second week.  Sighing with resignation, Amanda
entered the school
grounds.
        The whispers started almost immediately. 
Amanda would pass a
group of girls and they would stop talking, stare at
her as she passed,
and then conversation would continue, albeit in muted
tones.  Momentary
glances from the girls would confirm her suspicions
that she was the
topic.

@@Good. Sets up the atmosphere.

        "Here we go again," she muttered to herself. 
"At least it's not
as bad as Takanomi High."  She was interrupted by a
high-pitched squeal
of laughter.  Amanda could not make out first few
words due to distance,
but it sounded like the owner was coming closer.
        "...ma, with these delectable cookies, bake by
mine own loving
hands, I, Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose, will pave the
way from your
stomach to your heart.  Hohohohohohoh!!!"


@@AKANE:: "HEY! If anyone's going to pave
Ranma's stomach, it's going to be ME!"

        Amanda shuddered at the maniacal laughter. 
Distracted, she did
not notice the other students were quickly exiting the
area.  "Where the
hell is it coming from?"  She turned a corner of the
main building,
trying to find the source-.
        The next thing she remembered was lying on the
ground, with a
soft weight on top of her.  While not altogether
unpleasant, it was
unexpected.  What were painful were the aches of the
collision.  "My
cookies!" came a cry from the person on top of her. 
The weight left
her, and Amanda heard the rustling of cloth.  "My
cookies are ruined!!"
Amanda picked herself up, at looked towards the source
of the anguished
voice.
        Sitting on her knees was an Asian girl,
looking to be about
Amanda's age, wearing the same kind of uniform.  Her
black hair was tied
into a loose ponytail at the right side of her head
with a braid coming
down over her shoulder.  She was holding in her hands
a small bag about
one-third full of small cookies.  The rest were
scattered on the ground.


@@Too long and static.

TRY::

         "Where the hell is it coming from?"
Distracted by the
 maniacal laughter Amanda did not notice the other
students 
 quickly exiting the area.   She turned a corner of
the main building,
trying to find the source-.
        The next thing she remembered was lying on the
ground, with a
soft weight on top of her. 

	  "My cookies!" came a cry from the person on top of
her.  

	*My arse.* Amanda groaned, *I think it's broken.*

	  "My cookies are ruined!!"

	The weight left her and Amanda struggled to sit up,
searching for the source of the anguished voice.

 @@I've deleted static information that slows the
story
and added a few minor things that _show_ some of the
same things but in a more active way. For example, 
having Amanda "groan" about her broken "arse"
conveys the force of the impact and what it did to
her.
Other ways to do this of course, this is just an
example.   

        "Uhhh...sorry about that," said Amanda
uncomfortably in passable
Japanese.  "Are you okay?"
        The girl glared up at Amanda.  "You!  Do you
realize what you
have done?  

@@KODACHI: "Now I've got to file an Environmental
Impact Report!"
 @@LOUDSPEAKER: "Attention! Attention. There
has been a Cookie-Spill in sector 3-B. Cookie-Spill
in 3-B. Close all pressure tight doors. Haz-Mat team
to your stations."




I work all morning on these! 

@@AKANE: "Go get your own writers. That's MY line!"

 They were meant for my dear
love, but now they're not fit for the lowliest dog! 
How dare you!"
        "Hey, look, it was an accident.  I'm really
sorry about your
cookies."  Amanda fumbled with her purse and pulled
out some bills.
"Here, if you want, I can give you some money and you
can buy some for
your boyfriend-"

@@Ummm . . .this doesn't sound at all as if Amanda &
co. have
been in Japan very long. Or if they have, she at least
didn't
pay any attention to the lessons in etiquette. From
your earlier
description it sounds as if she and her sister have
been �in country'
for at least a year so she should know better than to
just
offer money.


        Kodachi contemptuously slapped the money away.
 "Do you think
mere money can alleviate the trouble you've caused me?
 I think that I
should teach you a sterner lesson than financial loss
could teach."
Pulling out her ribbon, she began to spin it around
herself.  "Know that
it is Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose of St. Heberiki
High that will teach
you this lesson!"
        Amanda could see where this was leading and
desperately
attempted to defuse the situation.  "Hey, it was an
accident, and I
tried to make it up to you.  I'm not looking for
trouble."  Amanda
turned away from Kodachi and began to leave the scene.
 "What could she
do with a gymnastics ribbon, anyway?" she said to
herself.
        "Turn your back on me, will you?  You think I
am nothing?  Well,
the Black Rose will teach you different!"

@@The Kodachi/Amada dialogue-action is a bit slow.
Kodachi isn't very interesting.  Simple editing could
help.


EXAMPLE 1::
	Kodachi  slapped the money away.  "Do you think mere
 money can alleviate the trouble you've caused?   I
should teach you
 a sterner  lesson."

	Pulling out her ribbon, she began to spin it around
herself.  "Know that
it is Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose of St. Heberiki
High that will teach
you this lesson!"
	
        Amanda could see where this was leading and
desperately
attempted to defuse the situation.  "Hey, it was an
accident, and I
tried to make it up to you.  I'm not looking for
trouble."  Amanda
turned away from Kodachi and began to leave the scene.
 

"What could she do with a gymnastics ribbon, anyway?"

        "Turn your back on me, will you?  You think I
am nothing? 
The Black Rose will teach you different!"

EXAMPLE 2::



	Kodachi slapped the money away. "Only a giajin
would try to _buy_ their honor." A black ribbon
appeared in her
hand. "Know that I, Kuno Kodachi the Black Heberiki of
St. Rose High
will teach you ----."

	"The black Heberiki?"

	"IMBECILE!" 

	Amanda blinked.

	"Not you, the other imbecile!" Kodachi snarled
at someone over Amanda's shoulder. "You've mixed up
the cards again."

	Amanda turned to see girl in a gymnasts uniform
fumbling with a stack of large white paste-board
rectangles.

	"I'm sorry captain." the girl stuttered, spilling
some 
of the stack on the floor. Amanda bent to help her
retrieve them,
noting the kanji on the back . . .#Restrained yet
Elegant Response
to Impertinent Peasants Who Offer Money in Apology
for Touching the Sacred Person of the Black Rose#


@@ONLY an example, but it illustrates my point that
you should have fun with the characters. This bit
didn't really
do much with either Kodachi or Amanda and Kodachi's
dialogue
was dull. You do NOT have to go over the top as in
this
example, but be a little more expressive if possible.

@@

	





Consequences
        To Amanda's surprise, she felt something wrap
around her waist.
"What the-?"  Kodachi pulled, and with a startled
shriek, Amanda was
pulled back to Kodachi.  The ribbon unwrapped from
Amanda's waist and
pulled back by Kodachi.  Amanda stood and stared and
the young girl.
"How did you do that?"
        "Watch, and learn, cur!"  Drawing two clubs
seemingly from
nowhere, Kodachi hurled them at Amanda.  With a cry of
alarm, Amanda
dropped to the ground.  The clubs passed through the
space where she had
stood and slammed into the wall of the main school
building, burying
themselves half way through.
        Amanda gaped at them in amazement.  She looked
back at Kodachi,
her face a mix of anger and fear.  "Those could have
killed me!"
        "Only if you were lucky."  Kodachi aimed a
kick in Amanda's
direction, but she rolled clear.
        All right, Amanda thought angrily.  I've had
enough of this!
Standing, Amanda used all of her Karate training to
knock Kodachi off
her feet with a foot sweep.


@@OK . . .this is where I come to a dead stop.
The dialogue and action aren't very interesting.
The beginning dialogue/action with & between
Amanda and her sister were VERY nice. Natural
and smooth flowing. This feels very forced. And
IMO, it's not believable that Amanda could fight on
equal footing with Kodachi. At least not he way 
you've written this. You'd be better off replacing
the opening of Amanda worrying about
colour coordinating her wardrobe with one
of her working out. Something to show that
she is either a world class. Show her dusting off
some trophies or something. And _don't_
make Amanda a martial artist. Nerima has
more than enough of those. Gymnist (but that's
even too close, IMO) Dancer, basket-ball or
base-ball. I like base-ball, since it's a Japanese
obsession.  I'm thinking of the scene in
the otherwise forgettable Flash Gordon where
Flash (a football quarterback) is being beaten
by Ming's troops until he starts playing football
and smashes them with thrown balls, does
broken field running, etc.
martial artist/gymnast/dancer/athlete



        Kodachi was so surprised at the counterattack,
that instead of
recovering with her usual grace, she fell heavily to
the ground.

@@Ummm . . .This isn't very believable to me.  One of
the first things they
teach in Martial Arts or Gymnastics is how to fall.
Kodachi might
have been surprised, but her body would fall
automatically the way
it was taught. (I just had this argument on another
story. This is
why it takes about 10,000 repetitions of an action
before it's ingrained.
So you're NOT taken by surprises by a counter-attack)
Have her
slip on a cookie instead. ^_^


Launching back on to her feet, Kodachi glared at her
opponent.  "So,
you're not as helpless as I first thought.  So much
the better."
Kodachi again launched her ribbon at Amanda.
        Amanda sidestepped the weapon and stepped in
close.  She
attacked with a series of jabs, but Kodachi easily
dodged them all.
Jeeze, she's fast! thought Amanda.

@@Better. But if you're going to have Amanda as a
Martial Artist, you
need to build this up from the start. Again, I think
it's better if
she is NOT a martial artist of any sort. Instead have
her counter
Kodachi with Ballet and Tap dancing. Or base-ball or
almost
anything except martial arts.

EXAMPLE:

	Kodachi launched her ribbon at Amanda who avoided it
with an Oblique Paddle Step. 

	Nonplused Kodachi abandoned her ribbon in favor
of her clubs. Sliding forward like a stalking panther
she lashed
out with a simple saber-strike which Amanda avoided
with a quick
spinning movement to the left, followed by a spinning
jump
in the opposite direction. She hung in the air for an
instant, 
clicking her heels twice before lightly touching down.

	"W . . .what do you call that?" Kodachi stuttered.

	"Black Bottom Bombershay" Amanda answered, "with 
Bells."


@@I have now invented Martial Arts Tap Dancing. ^_^
http://www.theatredance.com/dictionary.html
for more terms. ^_*

Please note I am NOT advocating you make Amanda an
expert in Martial Arts Tap Dancing. I'm just saying
that 
making her a martial artist is too predictable. If you
MUST
use martial arts, try American Boxing or Mu Tau (Greek
Boxing)
or something less familiar than Karate. That makes it
more believable
Amanda could get a hit past Kodachi's guard. Asian
Martial
Artists seem to have a lot of trouble with American
Boxing
and a straight jab. ^)^


        Dropping her ribbon, Kodachi pulled out two
more clubs.  The
first she swung around in a powerful blow to the head.
        Amanda blocked it with her left forearm, but
the force of the
blow caused pain to blossom at the point of impact. 
Distracted by the
pain, Amanda could not react fast enough to block the
second strike, a
jab from the other club in her ribs.  The air whooshed
out of her lungs
and she struggled to breath.  The first club came
around and caught her
on the left cheek.  With a choked cry, she fell to the
ground, clutching
her face.

@@OK, better, but it's still not as interesting having
Amanda
use Karate, IMO.


        "I'm not finished with you yet, girl!" 
Exchanging the clubs for
her ribbon, she began to mercilessly whip Amanda into
submission.
        Barely able to breath, with pain radiating
from her forearm,
cheek, and ribs, Amanda curled up into a fetal ball
and tried to protect
herself as best as she could.

@@Actually the best thing to do. Correction Guards are
taught to get in the corner of a room and curl up,
protecting
head, face and kidneys with their arms and legs. You
want
to be in the corner to protect your spine. OTOH,
you're at
an advantage on the ground since you can't be knocked
off your feet.
IF you get knocked down, stay down and use your legs
to
keep your opponet at bay.  You protect your face and
chest with
a basic boxers block, both forearms curled in front.
Bring your 
knees to your chest for added protection AND you can
use legs
offensively since your legs will be longer than an
attackers
arms. Kodachi has a reach advantage with the ribbon
but
the defensive position is the same. Protect face,
spine, kidney
and groin.  You want to take the hits on your forearms
and shins.

                It seemed like forever, but eventually
the painful hits
from Kodachi's ribbon stopped.  Cracking open one eye,
Amanda could see
Kodachi standing over her, basking in her superior
fighting skills.
        "And let that be a lesson to you never to
cross the Black Rose!"
Kodachi glanced at her watch.  "Oh dear, if I don't
hurry, I won't be
able to make another batch of cookies for Ranma." 
Kodachi let loose
with a last shot from her ribbon, as though blaming
Amanda for her being
late.  "Hohohohohohohoho...!!!"  Kodachi's laughter
faded into the
distance.

@@Good.
        Amanda waited several moments before slowly
unwinding herself.
Tears of anger and humiliation made their way down her
cheeks.  Looking
herself over, she seemed not to be too badly hurt. 
Aside from her arm,
cheek and ribs, her clothes looked fine, if a bit
rumpled.  Underneath
the clothes, she knew she would soon be covered in
bruises.  She wiped
the tears off her cheek, glaring angrily at anyone who
ventured close.
Awkwardly making her way to her feet, she took a deep
breath, and felt
the spot where Kodachi hit her on the ribs catch. 
Wincing in pain she
walked stiffly away, her head held high and defiant
against those who
were even now whispering rumours against her.

@@Ummm . . .a bit rough in spots.
MINOR CHANGE::
	Awkwardly she got to her feet, feeling her ribs
protest
where Kodachi had caught her with that ribbon.. 
Wincing in pain she
walked stiffly away, ignoring the whispers and looks
from the
gathered students.

	

        Vice-Principal Otemi looked at the young girl
sitting before
her.  Pulling out a form, he popped open a pen and
began to write.
"Now, who assaulted you?" he asked.
        "Her name was Kuno," Amanda replied stonily. 
"Kodachi Kuno."
        Otemi stared at the girl for a long moment,
then crumpled the
form into a ball and threw it into the trash.  "I'm
sorry, but there's
nothing I can do."
        Amanda stared at him in amazement.  "Nothing
you can do?  What
do you mean?"
        "You have to understand, the Kuno's are one of
the most powerful
and influential families in Nerima.  Not only do they
have money and
prestige, but their father is a principal of another
school and he also
sits on the School Board.  Everyone listens to him." 
To himself he
thought, Only because they're too damn scared of him,
the loony.
        "The only thing I understand is that she
nearly beat me
senseless!  And you're saying you can't do anything?!"
        Vice-Principal Otemi nodded.  "I'm sorry."  It
doesn't matter,
he told his nagging conscience.  She's just a gaijin.
        Fighting back tears, she stood.  "Thank you,"
she muttered as
she left.

@@Good. Nice blend of dialogue and action. You might
look
on-line for some actual examples of this sort of
thing. I'm sure 
there must be some. Just to get a better feel for the
actual reaction
and dialogue of the vice-principle. But very nice as
is.

@@@@



        She could not believe it.  She had always been
safe at school.
Before, her tormenters had hassled her on her way to
and from school,
but left her alone on school grounds.  The teachers
had always stepped
in to protect her.  It created bad PR when the
foreigners went home if
they did not.  Apparently this school was different. 
Here, she was
alone.

@@I suppose at this point I should ask . . .why is
Amanda attending
a Japanese school at all? And why St. Heberiki?  You
only go to a Japanese
school to learn the language and culture, which might
make sense if
one of her parents were Japanese or if her family were
going to be in Japan
for a long while. But, again, why St. Heberiki? Her
parents must have money
to afford a private school, but didn't they check it
out first?

        Amanda managed to make it to her second class
a few minutes
early, having missed the first one while at the
nurse's and vice-
principal's office.  Quickly finding an empty seat,
she sat down.

@@Well, they may do things differently at St.
Heberiki, but normally
the students stay in the same class room and it's the
teacher who change.
You might want to explain this difference, since
you've made a point of 
the length of the Japanese school week.


        "Pssst!"
        Amanda jumped at the voice behind her.  She
turned and saw
another Japanese girl with her dark hair tied in a
tight pigtail.
"What?" she asked suspiciously."
        "My name's Chiyeko.  Chiyeko Matsu.  What's
yours?"
        "Amanda Chambers."
        "You're the girl that got beat up by the Black
Rose this morning
right?" asked another girl sitting in front of Amanda.
        A muscle high on Amanda's uninjured cheek
twitched.  "So?
What's it to you?"
        "We just want to let you know that we're not
all like that,"
replied Chiyeko.
        "Yeah," said the other girl.  "She's just the
worst."
        "Boy, you said it, Nomi.  She works almost
everyone who's new
over.  Especially gaijin."
        "But...but..."  Amanda fought tears.  "How am
I supposed to
protect myself?  I'm second Dan in Karate, but she
went through me like
I wasn't even there."

@@:(
Well, I was afraid of this. IMO, having a gaijin
martial arts
expert is perilously close to a Mary Sue. OTOH, it's
realistic
in the sense that many martial arts �schools' will
give anybody
a second Dan. Just because you've got a belt doesn't
mean
you can actually fight. If you're going to make her a
second Dan
in Karate you should mention THIS at the beginning of
the 
story in place of the colour coordinating. ^_*



        "Second Dan?" said Nomi in amazement.
        Amanda grinned in a depreciating manner. 
"Junior division.
I've got a year to go before I qualify for third."
        "Wow," both of them whispered.
        "Well, I can't help you with that part," said
Chiyeko, who began
rummaging in her bag.  "But I can give you the address
of a great
doctor.  His name's...uhhh...I think it's Tofu. 
Here's his card."
Chiyeko shook her head.  "I can't believe I still have
that thing.
Oops!  Teacher's here."
        Amanda took the card and smiled slightly. 
Maybe she was not
alone after all.

@@Nice segue. I _still_ don't like the second Dan,
almost third Dan.
It seems too contrived.


        "Hello!  Anyone here?"  Amanda stepped into
the front office of
Dr. Tofu.  "Seems nice enough," she said to herself.
        "Hi, can I help you?"  Dr. Tofu stepped out of
one of his rooms.
Spying Amanda he smiled and walked over to you. 
"Hello there," he said
cheerfully.  "What can I do -"  Tofu stopped when he
saw the bandage
over her face.  "Looks like you had a bit of an
accident.  Let me guess.
A softball right?"  Tofu motioned for Amanda to enter
the room he had
just left.

@@Don't replay the original story.  And if Tofu thinks
everything is a "softball" injury, I'm not sure I'd
trust him.
Unless he's being factious.  In which case you need to
make
that clearer. 

        "No," she muttered darkly as she entered. 
Sitting down on one
of the examination tables, she looked around.  In one
corner was a
rubber skeleton.  For some reason, it looked like it
had suffered a good
deal of abuse, if the chips and tears were any proof.

@@Cute.

        "All right, let me take a look at that."  Tofu
gently pulled off
the bandage on her face.  "Hmmm, that's a nasty bruise
you've got
there."
        "Tell me about it."
        "Have you put anything on it?"
        "The nurse put some rubbing alcohol on it, but
that was about
six hours ago."

@@Errr . . .I'm pretty sure Japan has advanced to the
concept
of using a cold pack on a bruise. 


        "I've got something better than that." 
Standing up he picked up
a clipboard with some papers on it and handed it to
her.  "I almost
forgot. You're a first time patient, so you'll have to
fill out some
forms."  Going to a cabinet, he began to rummage
around.  "So, what's
your name?"
        "Amanda.  Amanda Chambers."
        "Pleased to meet you."  Finding the salve, he
stood and came
back to her side.  "As you've probably figured out,
I'm Dr. Ono Tofu."
        Amanda smiled wryly.  "Well, I'd hate to think
you were the
receptionist."


@@This Amanda/Tofu banter strikes me as unrealistic.
Or at best Amanda is being an uber-gaijin. I can'

=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
 And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus

"A man is a small thing, and the night is large 
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany

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