I'm having trouble with my home connection to my mail-box. So I apologize
for not responding to this sooner and also to anyone who has responded to me
in person that I haven't replied to yet.
-----Original Message-----
From: Adam Brown [mailto:a.brown10@home.com]
Sent: Sunday, October 14, 2001 7:49 PM
To: FFML
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] The Assassination of
Nabiki Tendo - Chapter 1
Ok, I have to say that I'm really impressed with this fic.
You catch the
reader's attention, make (and keep) it interesting by giving
enough
information to keep the reader asking "What next" without
giving out too
info.
Many thanks for the kind words.
> Takahomi industries was one of the smaller subsidiaries of
Mitsuhomi
> Corporation. They were a medical supplier, and had
recently won a large
Is this from Cat Girl Nuku Nuki? I can't remember, and if
so, are we going
to see any elements from CGNN? :)
No, it's just a made up name.
> "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNTY NABIKI!" Nabiki removed the small
phone from her
ear,
> to protect it from the yelling.
Very cute. I can just see Nabki wincing in pain.
> The last time she was on, she had found some hidden
firewalls; they
> protected portions of the computer system, without
alerting people to
their
> existence. It was a formidable set-up but not sufficient
for the task of
> keeping Nabiki Tendo out.
Okay, this whole computer session I find a bit hard to
believe. Everyone
seems to make Nabiki out to be this master of information
aquiring, and many
seem to think that she'll do it herself. In this fic,
you've made Nabiki
out to be business oriented, so her skills should reflect
that (the bit
about the stock market at the beginning was a good stab at
showing what
Nabiki's specialties were), but now, she's a expert computer
hacker. Huh?
Unless a person has no social life and/or no hobbies (since
Nabiki has a
boyfriend, I assume she has a social life), they usually
focus on one area
to specialize in.
Therefore, if you make Nabiki to be all business, then
giving her super
computer skills would seem outside the bounds of normalicy.
What might help
to make it a bit more believeable (if perhaps a bit
cliched), is that maybe
she has a contact that does this stuff for her. He/she
relays the info to
her, then is promptly killed/disappears.
Of course, this is IMHO.
I know I stretch it a little, but it's all for the good of
the story. ^_^ Also, this is from her perspective and she's not quite as
good as she sees herself. I know plenty of people who are very competent a
wide range of different skills, especially when they hit 30. Also, she does
fail here, which she wouldn't if she was as wonderful as she makes herself
out to be. I've glanced at the list and see that other comments have been
made, so I'll say little until later.
> "Ranma." It was only Ranma; she had nothing to worry
about now. He
looked
> different, more mature, a little taller and more sedate.
He seemed to
have
> lost the wildness that had so closely followed him in his
youth. His hair
> was cropped short and his face serious, looking quite
impressive in the
> overcoat he wore.
>
> "Miss Tendo," he said formally, nodding his head.
>
> "Ranma," she said annoyed. "Why'd you scare me like that?
What's the big
> idea dragging me out here?"
>
> "My name isn't Ranma, and I didn't invite you out here."
He continued to
> display none of the nervousness she had associated with
her 'Ranma', and
yet
> he was Ranma, of that she was sure.
>
> "Not funny, Saotome," bringing back her normal mode of
address for him.
> Acting like ten years hadn't passed helped alleviate the
surreal quality
of
> the situation. "What did you think you were doing running
out on my
sister
> like that? I shouldn't even be talking to you."
>
> "So you do know me?"
>
> Her jaw almost dropped as she considered the absurdness of
that question.
> "Of course I know you, jerk. I only lived with you for a
year!" She took
a
> step forward, raising her hand to strike. Memories of
helping Akane
through
> her torment coming back to her. Akane had gone through
denial, then hurt,
> then self-loathing, and finally acceptance, all because of
this... this...
> Asshole!
Good scene. Really made me wonder what the heck was going
on.
KP: Thanks!
> "Get down!" he yelled as his momentum changed from bending
backwards to
> jumping forward in the blink of an eye. She felt the
impact as their
bodies
> collided, she felt the world spinning as he grasped onto
her tightly,
> turning her as they both fell to the ground.
>
> She felt the jarring shock as he landed on the asphalt and
she on him,
> followed instantaneously by the ringing out of more
gunfire.
>
> "Ahhh!!!" she screamed as the explosions rang out in her
ears, and she
heard
> the bullets bounce off the ground around them.
>
> After what seemed like forever, she was turning again, and
then being
pulled
> up to her feet and then toward one of the warehouses. She
looked towards
> Ranma as he dragged her along, turning around to fire at
their unseen
> attackers ever couple of steps.
Yes!! Finally a martial artist that uses guns! Even given
Ranma's speed, I
doubt he could move faster than the speed of sound (Chestnut
fist
notwithstanding). I hate it when people take Ranma's
already maxed-out
abilities and and elevate them to stupid levels.
KP: I try to make a believable balance. Although I love
reading some of the super-Ranma stories, they generally bore me after a
couple chapters.
> They made it to the stairs and he let go of her hands as
he bounded up
them.
I'm not sure if this is saying what you want it to say. To
me, it says he
let go of her hand and jumped up to the top of the stairs.
Since Nabiki
can't move as fast as Ranma, how'd she make it there with
him? I think you
want it to say that Ranma grabbed Nabiki and jumped up the
stairs. That way
they can arrive together.
KP: Will go back and be a little more descriptive.
> Ranma shrugged his shoulders slightly and then he turned
into a blur. She
> couldn't follow his movements but he somehow took the gun
that was trained
> on him and fired four rounds right by her neck in less
than a second,
before
> firing two more at in the direction of the disembodied
hand.
This is generally what I meant about speed elevation. But
it's still
somewhat believeable, since everyone's in close proximity.
Bullets move
faster than sound, not people. Since Ranma had to beat the
*people*, he
won. If he'd been dodging bullets, I'd be crying foul.
The vision I had when writing this, although it may not have
come out that way is something like this. Ranma only had to move his one
hand and arm. He disarms the one man while turning to shot the others. His
speed is sufficient and the move surprising enough that Nabiki can't see it
extremely clearly. I can move my arm fast enough that it can appear blurry.
The men behind her were surprised and Ranma shot them before they could
properly react.
Note: Dodging bullets is moving out of the way of a bullet
that would have
otherwise hit. Ranma is not the One and this is not the
Matrix. ^_^
Nope, he's not. :-)
> "Yes," she croaked out.
Good, she's feeling the strain. Nabiki's an Ice Queen, but
she's not rock.
Maybe a bit about the physical effects of her stress.
Nausea, shaking
hands, etc. Since you're writing from primarily Nabiki's
point of view, try
to describe as Nabiki's feeling it.
I try, oh do I try. ^_^
> She walked quickly to the sink, examining her neck and
hair; sure enough,
> there was blood there as well. Fighting down the tears
she turned on the
> hot water in the sink as well, grabbing a towel and soap
as she began
> scrubbing away the symbols of her tattered life.
Very nice scene.
> "A couple months after the incident with Saffron, you
disappeared. The
> weird thing is you and Akane generally seemed to be
getting along a lot
> better." She stopped her retelling there. She hadn't
covered everything,
> mostly the major happenings. She also left out a lot of
her personal
> feelings about things, trying to be objective and let him
soak in the
> information. He had been very curious, but lacking much
animation to his
> actions. He barely reacted to things that she was pissed
at learning,
like
> the Neko-ken and Ukyo.
I'd be interesting to know if he's still afraid of cats
since he can't
remember the training.
KP: Very interesting.
> little bit about Kiyoshi(Ranma) including his profession.
I hope you
> enjoyed.
I wouldn't be C&Cing it if I didn't.
Adam
http://members.home.net/a.brown10/
<http://members.home.net/a.brown10/>
Thanks a bunch. I love hearing what people think of the
things I write.
Now to figure out how to get my home account to work again.
Oh, well. I can do that tonight.
Ken
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