"Linda Shen" <echonymph@msn.com> wrote:

I've been dormant too long, the fingers are starting to itch to post 
something as opposed to internalizing and editing.  This is *OLD*, actually, 
this is the FIRST piece of Ranma 1/2 fiction I *ever* wrote, and I suppose 
there're some obvious clues that it was my first ever attempt (not the 
pairing and the pathetic writing style, not to say that it has improved 

We shall see. :) (An author's denegration of her own fic doesn't exactly
make me eager to read it, but I'll give it a chance anyway.)

much...), but here we go:

DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Video.  No 

Takahashi and Shogakukan, actually. Viz Video is licensed to dub and
distribute the anime, but they don't own the series any more than
Twentieth-Century Fox owns the X-men.

RATING: PG (I think I use a pooty word in here)

A potty word, I think you mean.

MOUSSE: I taut I taw a pooty tat!

SHAMPOO: You did!

The Tendo training hall was normally tranquil, and regardless of the uproars 
that occurred every few months or every few weeks, the relative peace of the 
small, suburban house was overshadowed by the rumors that ran rampant about 
it.  What with she-males and pandas running amok in the city of Nerima, what 
was to be expected other than utter insanity within the Tendo Compound?

But what people saw on the outside were mere glimpses.

And those exaggerated glimpses were all they'd ever know.

Suggest you delete these three paragraphs and start the story from the
following one. This is somewhat of a pet peeve of mine. Anyone who's
ever read any of the original series, or even another fanfic, already
knows that Nerima is a wacky place. Furthermore, if you do think the
point needs to be made, it would IMO be better to show us, or tell us
through the thoughts of a character rather than the proclamations of an
omniscient narrator.

"Akane?" Ranma asked as he peeked into her room, she glanced up at him 

Comma splice. Should be

room. She

or

room; she

quickly, prepared for a fight, but open for a rare moment of peace between 
them.  He took three giant steps and landed in a sitting position on her 

Not all that rare, actually. Most of the time when we see them during an
"everyday" moment in the manga, they're getting along okay. That they
argue constantly is a fanfiction cliche.

bed, he looked sheepish, and Akane realized that he had a notebook clutched 

Another run-on.

bed; he

or

bed. He

in his hands.

"What is it, Ranma?"

RANMA: It's a spiral-bound set of pages used to write down stuff in. But
that's not important right now.

"And?" she asked sarcastically.  "Are you just going to extol your virtues 
to remind me of what a wonderful fianc� you are, or is there more?"  He 

Suggest: fiance (the accented characters aren't platform-independent;
someone on a Mac or Linux is going to see some weird symbol there.)

"Are you serious?" Akane asked incredulously.  Ranma nodded, barely able to 
repress his laughter.

It was unimaginable that Akane did not know of the near one hundred boys 
that attacked him every day in the locker rooms to avenge the loss of poor 
Akane's availability.

Is he lying? Funny that Takahashi never mentioned that.

And when did he become so attractive anyway?  Last she remembered him, he 

when had he become

Like I said, it was early.  I went through and cleaned up a few things, so 
it's not *completely* atrocious (on the first go, an "Akane-chan" *gag* 
somehow slipped in there).

Well, I didn't find it *bad* by any means. It's perhaps a bit obvious
from the get-go that you're pushing Ranma and Akane's relationship in a
more romantic direction. I don't really object to the warm and fuzzies,
but it might be worthwhile to counterbalance them, perhaps with a
greater dramatic tension and/or with humor. To your story's credit, it
doesn't go overboard and have R&A suddenly start declaring their undying
love for each other or something like that.

I think Akane's characterization was handled well, but Ranma's seemed a
bit off. He might conceivably ask for help if he had a strong reason for
wanting to finish his assignment (and if he does, we should know what it
is, or at least that it exists) but I don't think it would go as easily
as you're showing here. I understand that you're trying for a romantic
tone, but IMO you'd deliver a bigger dose of the warm fuzzies if you
showed our heroes' relationship progressing *despite* their very real
internal obstacles getting in the way.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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