Ok, I have to say that I'm really impressed with this fic.  You catch the
reader's attention, make (and keep) it interesting by giving enough
information to keep the reader asking "What next" without giving out too
info.

Takahomi industries was one of the smaller subsidiaries of Mitsuhomi
Corporation.  They were a medical supplier, and had recently won a large

Is this from Cat Girl Nuku Nuki?  I can't remember, and if so, are we going
to see any elements from CGNN? :)

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNTY NABIKI!" Nabiki removed the small phone from her

ear,

to protect it from the yelling.

Very cute.  I can just see Nabki wincing in pain.

The last time she was on, she had found some hidden firewalls; they
protected portions of the computer system, without alerting people to

their

existence.  It was a formidable set-up but not sufficient for the task of
keeping Nabiki Tendo out.

Okay, this whole computer session I find a bit hard to believe.  Everyone
seems to make Nabiki out to be this master of information aquiring, and many
seem to think that she'll do it herself.  In this fic, you've made Nabiki
out to be business oriented, so her skills should reflect that (the bit
about the stock market at the beginning was a good stab at showing what
Nabiki's specialties were), but now, she's a expert computer hacker.  Huh?
Unless a person has no social life and/or no hobbies (since Nabiki has a
boyfriend, I assume she has a social life), they usually focus on one area
to specialize in.

Therefore, if you make Nabiki to be all business, then giving her super
computer skills would seem outside the bounds of normalicy.  What might help
to make it a bit more believeable (if perhaps a bit cliched), is that maybe
she has a contact that does this stuff for her.  He/she relays the info to
her, then is promptly killed/disappears.

Of course, this is IMHO.

"Ranma."  It was only Ranma; she had nothing to worry about now.  He

looked

different, more mature, a little taller and more sedate.  He seemed to

have

lost the wildness that had so closely followed him in his youth.  His hair
was cropped short and his face serious, looking quite impressive in the
overcoat he wore.

"Miss Tendo," he said formally, nodding his head.

"Ranma," she said annoyed.  "Why'd you scare me like that?  What's the big
idea dragging me out here?"

"My name isn't Ranma, and I didn't invite you out here."  He continued to
display none of the nervousness she had associated with her 'Ranma', and

yet

he was Ranma, of that she was sure.

"Not funny, Saotome," bringing back her normal mode of address for him.
Acting like ten years hadn't passed helped alleviate the surreal quality

of

the situation.  "What did you think you were doing running out on my

sister

like that?  I shouldn't even be talking to you."

"So you do know me?"

Her jaw almost dropped as she considered the absurdness of that question.
"Of course I know you, jerk.  I only lived with you for a year!"  She took

a

step forward, raising her hand to strike.  Memories of helping Akane

through

her torment coming back to her.  Akane had gone through denial, then hurt,
then self-loathing, and finally acceptance, all because of this... this...
Asshole!

Good scene.  Really made me wonder what the heck was going on.

"Get down!" he yelled as his momentum changed from bending backwards to
jumping forward in the blink of an eye.  She felt the impact as their

bodies

collided, she felt the world spinning as he grasped onto her tightly,
turning her as they both fell to the ground.

She felt the jarring shock as he landed on the asphalt and she on him,
followed instantaneously by the ringing out of more gunfire.

"Ahhh!!!" she screamed as the explosions rang out in her ears, and she

heard

the bullets bounce off the ground around them.

After what seemed like forever, she was turning again, and then being

pulled

up to her feet and then toward one of the warehouses.  She looked towards
Ranma as he dragged her along, turning around to fire at their unseen
attackers ever couple of steps.

Yes!!  Finally a martial artist that uses guns!  Even given Ranma's speed, I
doubt he could move faster than the speed of sound (Chestnut fist
notwithstanding).  I hate it when people take Ranma's already maxed-out
abilities and and elevate them to stupid levels.

They made it to the stairs and he let go of her hands as he bounded up

them.

I'm not sure if this is saying what you want it to say.  To me, it says he
let go of her hand and jumped up to the top of the stairs.  Since Nabiki
can't move as fast as Ranma, how'd she make it there with him?  I think you
want it to say that Ranma grabbed Nabiki and jumped up the stairs.  That way
they can arrive together.

Ranma shrugged his shoulders slightly and then he turned into a blur.  She
couldn't follow his movements but he somehow took the gun that was trained
on him and fired four rounds right by her neck in less than a second,

before

firing two more at in the direction of the disembodied hand.

This is generally what I meant about speed elevation.  But it's still
somewhat believeable, since everyone's in close proximity.  Bullets move
faster than sound, not people.  Since Ranma had to beat the *people*, he
won.  If he'd been dodging bullets, I'd be crying foul.

Note:  Dodging bullets is moving out of the way of a bullet that would have
otherwise hit.  Ranma is not the One and this is not the Matrix. ^_^

"Yes," she croaked out.

Good, she's feeling the strain.  Nabiki's an Ice Queen, but she's not rock.
Maybe a bit about the physical effects of her stress.  Nausea, shaking
hands, etc.  Since you're writing from primarily Nabiki's point of view, try
to describe as Nabiki's feeling it.

She walked quickly to the sink, examining her neck and hair; sure enough,
there was blood there as well.  Fighting down the tears she turned on the
hot water in the sink as well, grabbing a towel and soap as she began
scrubbing away the symbols of her tattered life.

Very nice scene.

"A couple months after the incident with Saffron, you disappeared.  The
weird thing is you and Akane generally seemed to be getting along a lot
better."  She stopped her retelling there.  She hadn't covered everything,
mostly the major happenings.  She also left out a lot of her personal
feelings about things, trying to be objective and let him soak in the
information.  He had been very curious, but lacking much animation to his
actions.  He barely reacted to things that she was pissed at learning,

like

the Neko-ken and Ukyo.

I'd be interesting to know if he's still afraid of cats since he can't
remember the training.

little bit about Kiyoshi(Ranma) including his profession.  I hope you
enjoyed.

I wouldn't be C&Cing it if I didn't.

Adam

http://members.home.net/a.brown10/


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