DB Sommer wrote:

Finally getting to these. Used most of the grammar comments.

Brian Randall wrote:

That's like walking a tightrope without a net!

Everything's fine as long as you don't fall off. Unfortunately I did here
and there, but most people caught them and let me know.

  What a supportive crowd... :p

   Too many... bad jokes... must restrain...

I applaud your restraint. I never use it. I like getting myself into
trouble.

  I'll try it at some point. Maybe I'll write that fabled lemon.

similar circumstances. With the crowd present, Kenshin hoped the stranger
would refrain from trying anything violent, though the presence of the
masses had not prevented the fat man's death. No one was saying the word
'murder,' but rather they used the term 'accident.' It seemed only Kenshin

knew better, and he had witnessed nothing.

   Oh, so Karou's next?

Yeah. But that's going of be the last of the foreshadowing from this point
on.

  I'm generally pretty dense about this kinda stuff, but I didn't see a problem with the foreshadowing.

Especcially since they were drinking buddies in the war -- Kenshin
gave Death a lot of business, after all.

Which he mentions later.

Fear found itself replaced by determination. Just because something had to

be a certain way, did not mean he would blithely accept it, not without a
struggle. It was unfair, but of the many lessons as he had learned
throughout his travels, one of the foremost was that life was most assuredly

unfair.

   Heh.

It's true, though. About the only thing I remember from the 'Wolf' with
Nicholson and Pfeiffer was someone's comment to her about  life being fair
and her laugh and response of, 'Bad things happen to good people all the
time.'

  Not familiar with it, but it still holds true.

"Yes, I think that would be for the best." And no doubt the gruesome scene

had served to disturb her, especially on the eve on what was supposed to be

a festive occasion. Kaoru was never one to be unmoved by the grisly sight of

death, and had become even more sensitive to it since the birth of the
children. Besides, he wanted to return to their home as well and prepare.

   That last sentence seems awkward, but I'm not sure what to suggest.

Me either. Seems okay to me.

  Just seems kind of stilted. He's going to go home and prepare what? Maybe some commage? Not sure...

Ah, he's doing everything he can to avoid thinking about the truth.
Poor guy...

Well, hopefully it's not that bad in the revision.

  I thought it was fine, really.

meant that, for a change, his youngest son, Yoshi, had promptly done what
he had been told. It was a good sign of him finally maturing and taking some
of his responsibilities. It made Kenshin smile, a nearly impossible task
with what awaited him.

   taking his responsiblities... ?

since added 'seriously' should be okay now.

  Or you could have just dropped, "of  his" and changed responsibilities to responsibility.

   Death: Saiyonji residence?

   Kenshin: ... uh, next door down the street.

   Death: D'oh!

Heh. That could be good.

  Minds me of the episode where someone else comes along looking for Kenshin to fight, and ends up catching Sannosuke, instead.

  I have a video of that episode set to 'Devil went down to Georgia'. Hillarious clip.

   Kenshin: And I see that you really need to get some new clothes.
Those are _so_ pre-Meiji!

Nah, Death is fashionable at any time.

  Certainly not the kind of person you complain about being anything more than 'fasionably' late.

illusion, of course, all the dirty things were still there, but it was an
illusion he had enjoyed throughout his life.

   Of course, it was snowing when Tomoe died. Rain, he decided. It
would be nice to see rain. And maybe some lightning. But not snow.

Good call, as you go on to see.

  I get 'em some times.

"I cannot be defeated," the man told him.

   Kenshin: Fine. I challenge you to a drinking contest.

   Death: ... That's new.

Death: Now if it was a game of 'Battleship' I would have been really
screwed.

  Kenshin: Wait, better idea. The challenge is for one of us to beat you in a fight. First one to fail loses. You go first.

  Death: ... No.

in holding back, not against this opponent; it was pointless. Accepting
that, Kenshin opened the fight by feinted with his shoulder to the left,
while bringing his sword up, then pivoting on his heel to abruptly change
direction and sweep in from a high arc to the right.

   I sense a reoccuring theme...

Oh?

  Powerful people dealing with things that they can not win against. You used this theme in the Ranma fic where Ranma got powerful by getting older, too...

die for his ideals under those circumstances, but against the being that
stood before him now, could he even kill him with a sword at all?

   Well, this is a force of nature, not a person...

Yep. It was helpless from the beginning. This was not what you would call a
story of hope. :) On the other hand, it's realistic. Hopefully just not too
much realism to make people not want to read it.

  I rather liked this story, though.

was the pinnacle of his art, a move he had created on his own. An
unbeatable technique when delivered correctly, and he could feel to the base of his
soul that he had never unleashed a more perfect blow in his life.

   Which means, obviously, that it's going to be deflected.

Yep. Or ineffectual.

  Kenshin: Hah! I got you!

  Death: That's nice. My turn.

  Kenshin: But... sword... through heart... how?

Extra space between help and until

And I have since been corrected on my erronious assumption that Ayama and
Suzume are Kaoru's sisters. It's just that they spent so much time around
her, I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

  Didn't catch that one.

   Gah. Is he _still_ deluding himself?

Well, he's the one fought death and ass is on the ground. I think it's a
logical assumption.

  True enough.

"Dad, you're squeezing a little hard."

Quick and painless.

   Well, it had to come to him eventually.

Yep. If not now, then when he tried to get in a romantic mood and she didn't
respond to anything he tried. :)

  Hopefully sooner. I just wonder who's going to be waiting for him when it's all over...

"Wow. If he's not here yet, he must be pretty slow."

   Kids are great.

I liked the dialogue I came up with her. Kenshin's being metaphysical;
Mitsune is being literal. It's a nice contrast.

  Used that in the second Compass Points story, myself. I think it worked there, too, though I admit, I envy your use of it. You are more skilled than me. :p

She wrapped up the chocolate again, her appetite lost. Later, she would
share it with Tomo and Seiji. They were her brothers, after all, and she
should be nicer to them, just like their grandfather was. If he could be
patient with them, then she could too, no matter how irritating they
could be.

She thought he would have approved.

   Subtle. I like it.

Thanks. First version had this ending with him realizing it was Karou and
ending there (original fight went longer too)  but looking it over, I
realized that wasn't going to work. So I minimised the fight, and not really
providing the illusion he would win, like in the first version, and added
this on. I'm much happier with the way it is now.

  I would think that the fight isn't very necessary, beyond establishing that he can't win. Once that's done and he's down, really...

Subtle, rich flavor, and a bouquet not unlike aged OAVs. ;)

Heh. It's not up to their snuff, but I am mostly happy with it, especially
after the feedback and recommendations I received.

  I could almost actually see this being animated, but I doubt they would do something like this. They traditionaly end with a note of hope, I think, and this kinda defeats that, even though it's got a happy ending. Kinda. :p

Seriously, though, it was very good, and much better than my own
attempts after watching the OAVs.

You went with surreal. Hard to do without a visual midium.

  Are you kidding? I cannot begin to imagine what that would look like animated, though EoE comes to mind. And that doesn't make me happy at all. O_O

Thanks for the C+C. Off to work now, so won't get to other people's until
later. Ciao.

  Hah! I can mock you because I don't work for another... uh... fifteen minutes. �_�

  Otherwise, no problem. It was fin to read. Maybe not the happiest of stories, but still good.

D.B. Sommer