Usagi had taken it in some stride, it was his dream afterall. They loved
each other greatly, almost desperately at times, but even she herself had
said that she could not possibly stand in the way of his goals, to make

  # should probably be just taken it in stride, no some

        He smiled again, saying a prayer, and then tasting the soup. It's sweet,
tangy flavor put a bigger smile to his face, and he wasted no time in

  # It's should be Its, the possessive doesn't have a comma like most words do.

shaken about his choice than he thought? "Journalism. Everything's is
already paid for, so all I have to do is show up and do my best to make
sure I get it. From there I suppose it's job hunting until I land one I

  # Umm, wasn't he just thinking about his dream of being a doctor earlier?  I
    know that's a graduate program, but generally you go premed to prepare for
    it.

        She blushed. "I suppose. Thank you Mamo-chan. I will do my best then.
Maybe I can get an overseas call like you did?"

  # Wouldn't help much if she's studying Japanese literature :)  If she's going
    to write in English it probably would though, maybe translate her novels
    herself for a bigger audience :)

       Mamoru's blood quickened. He watched her as she continued, seemingly
unaware of the feelings she was causing in him. She dipped a piece of bread

  # Depending upon exactly how far up she's sitting, that will change pretty soon ;)

        All Mamoru was feel sympathetic for his girlfriend. He watched her get up,
and hastily rush to the bathroom.

  # All Mamoru was feeling was, or All Mamoru felt was sympathy, the latter sounds
    more natural to me.

        "I can't believe their ruined." She'd been able to save them, mostly, but
she felt like crying right now, and decided to indulge.

  # believe their -- believe they're

        Mamoru looked at her. "You worry about the future far off too much Usako.
We'll take care of it when we get there." He kissed her on the forehead.

  # inverting "future" and "far off" to make it far off future might work better here.

        Mamoru drew the girl by his hand to face him, then kissed her, gently. She
hugged closer to  him, and draped a leg across his lap, almost sitting

  # extra space between to and him

        "We'd better get going before it gets worse." Usagi said, more
disappointed running through her than anything else.

  # Either more dissappointed than anything else, or more dissappointment running
    through her.  Looks like you changed your mind in the middle of the sentence
    here.  (I have a tendency to do the same thing)

        He let his hands drop to her waste, and pulled her to his lap. Usagi sat

  #  Then crumpled up the used news paper and tossed it across the room into a
     garbage can.  (waste -- waist)

        She was beautiful. The teddy accented to her now hard nipples and soft
breast, and dropped off at her matching panties, hiding the top part of the

  # accented to her -- accented her, and breast should probably be breasts

 His hands traveled along the thin fabric of the teddy, and then underneath
it, holding her breast. Usagi let out a sigh as he massaged them both,

  # plural breasts again, since he has them both later in the paragraph

        Hands began roaming again, all around one of her breast while the other
traced a slow line around her belly, making her shiver. At the same time,

  # plural breasts again

        Mamoru looked at her wide eyes with a  smile. Sitting down beside her, he
brought her face in for a deep, hungry kiss. Usagi broke it again,

  # extra space between with a and smile



  # Over all, a nice story.  The lemon scene could possibly use a little work,
    it didn't flow as well as I think it could have.  I'm not sure what to offer
    in the way of fixing it however.  You also might want to do something about
    the line length, it seems to range all over the place and was a little
    distracting at times.

    I'm not sure, but I also don't think that you wear panties with a teddy.  I
    was always under the impression that they were a one piece negligee :)  You
    might have been thinking of a camisole, I believe those are essentially as
    you described the teddy.

    Anyway, good work and good luck in the future on your stories.

Sincerely,
    James M. Zema

Email:             zema@uakron.edu
Webpage:  http://uakron.edu/~zema/
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