Angus MacSpon wrote:

So.  Just for a change, I'll do some C&C, and since (as I seem to recall
I've mentioned to you before) I love this story, well ...  :)

  Well, if I forgot to mention it, I love hearing that. ;)

   Process of Elimination -- Chapter Five

The more I think about it, the more ominous that title seems.  Unless of
course you really mean ...

        Washuu pounded on the bathroom door.  "For goodness' sake, Tenchi
    aren't you ever coming out of there?" she called.
        "Er ... sorry," came Tenchi's voice nervously through the door.
    "I'm a little ... busy."

Nahh, I didn't think so.

  Not... quite. :p

   "From a historical standpoint, this will largely be identified as nothing more than an odd footnote, but from a relative standpoint... the impact of Emperor Yosho's decision set in motion changes that will doubtlessly change the way that the entire hierarchy of Jurai works. Ironic, really, since he did so little to move events in this direction, other than his first official act. Actually, --" [record truncated].

I wonder, under the circumstances, if it's appropriate to speak of Yosho's
"first" official act? :)  Of course "only" would be  too much of a spoiler.
And I guess it's possible that he becomes Emperor again later, somehow or
other...

  Well, the story there is that Historian Laruma's son spilled his drink on the recorder. But the rest of the message was, "Actually, it was his only act. But -- Goddess, Ruffie, can you be more careful?"

  And this actually comes up, much, much later.

   "Oneesan," Nabiki said firmly. "Listen to me. Ranma's... Ranma's better off without that stuck-up..." she trailed off, composing herself. "I'm sure that Nodoka's just a little unbalanced. With some time, she should be able to calm down, and since Ranma's... pet... ate her sword, she's no longer dangerous."

She trailed off    [needs capitalisation]

NODOKA: No longer dangerous?  Think again!  [Throws a small ball to the
ground]  Mewtwo, I choose you!

  Eeee! (Will fix.)

   Both girls broke of their ruminations, as a pale beam of light swept through the walls of the house, bathing the pair and brightening in intensity until Nabiki was forced to close her eyes. When she opened them again, she found herself sitting in the center of a vast wooden deck, Kasumi and Nodoka close by, and looking equally stunned.

broke off
Probably don't need the comma after "ruminations", or after "close by".

  Excessive commage. Will adjust.

   A man wearing officious robes attended by a pair of tiny wooden cylinders floating -- one over each shoulder -- approached, nodding slowly, and scanning a small display that the cylinders projected before him.

Reads rather oddly.  I'd suggest:
    A man wearing officious robes, and attended by a tiny wooden cylinder
    floating over each shoulder, approached, nodding slowly and scanning...

  Yeah, that one was messy. >_<

   A figure stood before her, bending low and placing a hand on her shoulder. "Nabiki? When Kasumi comes to her senses, tell her that I love her. I love both of you." Nabiki blinked, trying to work her jaw as the figure -- her father -- straightened, and approached the man with the wooden cylinders. "I need to return, can you please send me back?"

Last sentence probably better split:
"I need to return. Can you please send me back?"

  Will adjust.

   Another man in officious robes, accompanied by a trio of slightly smaller wooden cylinders over one shoulder, approached. His bearing screamed, 'military,' to Nabiki, and she gathered her will, trying to collect her senses. "Hello, and welcome aboard the Freya-oh. My name is Laruma Genoh, and I'm with the Silver Journey -- Ginraii. Can you please give me your name?"

I don't think you need the commas around "military".  It's not a quotation
to be offset by commas; it's more a word that you're simply emphasising.
    His bearing screamed "military" to Nabiki
would work better, and you could even use single quotes (or whatever)
instead of the speech marks.

  Oooh... that one, I wasn't sure about. I'll change it.

   The bespectacled boy nodded, taking off his glasses to clean them on the sleeve of his robe. "Yeah," he said, donning the thick lenses again, "I think that throwing spring of drowned duck water or something like that on the monsters would help us out quite a bit."

Heh.  Interesting idea.  As long as they don't end up using Drowned Twin
water by mistake...

  That one, I hadn't considered. Hmm... must plot...

   Mousse simply shrugged. "I just hope we don't end up being totally useless. I keep worrying that I should be doing more..." he trailed off uncomfortably.

He trailed

  Gotcha.

   Ayeka cleared her throat anxiously as Ryo-oh-ki pierced the thin and flimsy looking field that surrounded the Throne, sinking to rest some distance over one of the decks. The starboard deck, Ayeka noted, glancing around the flat surface, the stars sharply contrasting against the gleaming wooden floor.

Just how long does it take to travel from Earth to Jurai, anyway?  I'd always
had the impression that it wasn't that short a trip.  Here it only seems to
have taken a few hours, though, if that.

  That was covered in an earlier chapter. Ryo-oh-ki made the run in two weeks, and Yosho chased her at that speed. Ayeka took 700 years, but she didn't know where he was, so theoretically that involved scanning all the planets en route that could have contained a Yosho or a Ryouko. ;)

  The Throne creates a portal, though, which we see in one of the OAVs (forget which one) he uses it to teleport his own ship and the pink-haired fop's from Jurai to Earth. Within the atmosphere, no less... So that, in theory, is instantaneous.

  There's no real canon for standard ship speed that I could find (the Tenchi Muyo! RPG sourcebook is somewhat vague, at best) so I deemed that most ships aren't fast enough to make the trip very quickly, especcially the ones with greater capacity.

   The Emperor's pride exceeded his skill at hiding his expression, and he smirked broadly, nodding at Yosho as he drew near, Tenchi trailing him. Yosho coughed loudly, stopping some paces before his father, and held one hand towards Tenchi. "Give me the Tenchi-ken," he commanded quietly.

"smirked broadly", "coughed loudly" and "commanded quietly" seems a bit much
for one paragraph.  I'd suggest losing the "broadly" (it seems a bit out-of-
place with "smirked" anyway).

  It goes.

   The Emperor coughed imperiously, and nodded. "Well, it is good to see you again, my son. We said we would wait for you to return to rule Jurai for as long as it takes... and it make not even take as much time as we had thought."

The "make" in the last phrase doesn't make sense.  Should perhaps be "may"?
"did" would make even more sense, it seems to me.

  That's a typo.

Also, you've a bit too much repetition here, having the Emperor coughing
imperiously (!) after Yosho coughed loudly just a couple of paragraphs back.

  I do that, from time to time. Will fix.

   Yosho shrugged, twirling the Tenchi-ken through his fingers in a brazen display of indifference. Even Tenchi winced upon seeing the breach of protocol -- the only ones who looked to be unaffected were Tsunami, and Yosho himself. The Court gasped, if quietly, but no murmurs were allowed to escape. "Let's get down to the point," Yosho declared. "And that's this: you wanted me to return so that I could take the mantle of 'Emperor' once you decided to leave it, correct?"

Why the quotes around 'Emperor'?

  Because it's being emphasized? I can drop that easily enough.

   The man sighed, and tossed the Tenchi-ken to Tenchi. The boy caught it belatedly, horribly confused, as Yosho slipped off the mantle of Emperor. "My first act as Emperor of Jurai," he announced, throwing the mantle towards Tenchi, after the blade, "is to step down. Congratulations, Emperor Tenchi."

Heh.  Yes, I did see this coming.  What I don't see is why Azusa agreed to
stand down, though.  It seems odd that he'd relinquish command so readily.
Sure, he's been put on the spot, but even so, I find it hard to imagine him
just stepping aside at the drop of a hat.  If he's that weary of power, or
that eager to have his son back, well, I don't recall seeing any indication
of it...

  Nnng... Hm. Well, I'll have to think about that one. It made sense at first, and it's fairly integral to the plot... Hm... It's hard to explain from Ayeka's PoV. Well, I'll think about that one for a bit.

   Tsunami smiled, and reached for Yosho's hands. "I applaud your choice," she told him. "Now, we must depart." So saying, she gathered his hands on her own, Ryo-oh-ki scrambling to climb atop Yosho's shoulders. Her eyes closed in concentration as beam of light from the tree enveloped both of them, and they vanished.

as a beam of light

  Thanks.

   Misaki glanced at Ayeka and Tenchi, now the center of the entire Court's attention. "Besides," she stated calmly, before grabbing the former Emperor in a crushing hug, her voice escalating to a squeal, "aren't they just so _cute_?"

Oh boy.  Tenchi's gonna have in-laws problems like you wouldn't BELIEVE...
I pity him.  Really.

   "If you don't mind, Tenchi-sama, I'd like to faint now." And with that, everything fell to blackness.

Heh.  On top of everything else. that's just ... perfect.  Nicely done.

  I wanted a bit of comedy there. I liked the 'fragile?' line the best, though.

   A tall, lanky, dark-haired man pulled himself upright from one of the piles of amassed and discarded machinery, peering around blearily. Wearing a worn looking lab-coat, the man smacked his lips together tiredly, dislodging some of the devices that had somehow come to bury him. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice tired enough to suggest that he was about to fall asleep again. Blinking, he focused on Terry and Nuku, slowly waking himself up. "Oh, hey... you guys got any mayo?"

I'm guessing this guy is a cameo, but I have no idea who.  Sorry.  :)

  Aaahh... an original character based on someone I know. Long story.

   Makoto sighed dreamily, already half-lost in fond remembrances. "Saotome Ranma..."

*sigh*  One of the great cliches of crossover fanfics ...
At least you play a very nice riff on it later, though.  :)

  I _had_ to do it. :p

   Ryouko shrugged, drifting towards it. "I don't know, but I'll meet back with you with Washuu. You go help whoever's down there."

"I'll meet back with you with Washuu" reads very strangely.  Suggest: "I'll
meet you back with Washuu" or "I'll see you later back with Washuu".

  Curse that confounding language... will adjust, thanks for catching that one.

   And Emperor or not, Tenchi wouldn't have a choice in the matter, either. He was emperor in name only, just yet. There would be the standard fanfare surrounding a once-in-several-centuries event, as the change in title as recognized by the Council and then the assorted Juraian nobles would attempt to coerce him one way or another... No, the way Yosho saw things, Tenchi would need every whit of the help that Ayeka, Tsunami, and even Ryouko could provide.

as the change in title was recognized by the Council, and

  Right

   Cologne opened her mouth to comment on that, when the redhead reached out, grabbing the gem Ranma had left in the air for a moment, and seemed to absorb it into her wrist. There was a faint humming sound, and a matching blue flare formed on her left wrist, to compliment the blue flare on Ranma's right. Done with that, the two Ranmas nodded, and the male disappeared while the redheaded Ranma looked at Washuu attentively, still hovering slightly over the deck. "Okay," she said slowly, seeming to adjust to something internally. "What now, Washuu, Old Ghoul?"

Very interesting.  Ryouko's duplication trick, with a twist...

  Want to make some differences between Ranma and Ryouko's abilities... I thought this would also play off the 'split Ranma' cliche nicely. ;)

   The boy who had named himself, 'Ranma,' whipped his head around to stare at Mousse. "What did you say?" he demanded. "That's the name of one of the Yamasen-ken school's attacks! Where did you see it?"

No need for the commas around 'Ranma'.

  Will fix.

   Nodding, Ranma floated upwards, the small furry creature at his feet pausing to bare his teeth at Ryouga before jumping to Ranma's arms. "I'll scout around," he said, patting the creature on the head. "I'll keep close by."

I like the baring of teeth.  Ran-oh-ki knows what Ranma's feeling, possibly
better than Ranma does himself ...

  Which is actually important. I wonder about Ryo-oh-ki and Ryouko when I look at that though. Maybe I played it off too much...

   When the distance was as great as Ranma supposed the man could shout, the Tendo patriarch rose, and saluted Ranma with his naganita. Ranma swallowed, unable to help himself, and wiped at the moisture in his eyes before turning away.

A touching scene.  Very nicely done indeed.

  Whew! I always worry about those kind of scenes. SO much potential to screw up. -_-

   Norris nodded again, looking at a sheet of paper before him. "Well,'' he said, "I hope that we can work together, but I'm afraid if you've come to us for protection, we can't offer much."

'' ==> "

  O_O

  Next question!

   Washuu gestured to Ranma, smirking. "Ranma's daughter."

Heh, heh, heh.  Well, more or less true, I guess...
And there's something just too ironic about his having a _cat_ as an adoptive
daughter.

  I wanted to also play off the, "All women love Ranma," cliche. Sure she loves him. But not in _that_ way. ;)

"speaking of" is rather clumsy here.  Suggest: "what the scientist was talking
about."

  Will do. But now I have the Canadian pronuncication stuck in my head.

   Washuu nodded her thanks silently, as Ranma sank through the ship, deck by deck, and from there, into the space phased through the cold water of the bay.

Don't quite understand the last phrase.  Perhaps "into the space" should
be dropped?  It seems to make sense then.

  Indeed, very clumsy. :p

   Terry took off his hat, and scrubbed his hands through his hair. "Okay," he said slowly, glancing around. "Maybe I can get someone on the radio to tell me how to work this thing." He frowned, trying to remember anything he knew about more complex machines. Red buttons were bad. Glass shielding over a button was there for a reason. And a very important one, yellow and black warning tape meant 'Don't touch!'

That means he should press it, doesn't it?  Any self-respecting cartoon
character (anime or not) would press it in a heartbeat...

  I like to poke fun at cliches...

   Nuku watched him silently, and he shook his head, turning to study the rows of switches labeled -- oddly -- in English. Switches weren't as bad as buttons, he reasoned. A switch could be reversed, after all. Despite his knowledge of English, the meanings eluded him. "'Phase dispersion'? What the heck _is_ this stuff?" Turning a beseeching gaze towards the young woman, he asked, "Do you know how to run this thing? I know that we're supposed to get Washuu to control it, but I'm afraid to touch the thing."

"What does 'Launch photon torpedoes' mean?"

  Hah! I should have Terry wearing a red shirt, now that I think about it...

   A faint laugh filled the room from the speakers, making Terry wonder where this 'Eimi' were hidden. "That's fine, Atsuko. The coding that allows me to be upset with you was damaged before I was transferred to this facility."

Oh, shame.  I liked Eimi...
I wonder, though, why her voice has the faint fint of malice, if that coding
has been damaged?

  Because Terry's not that trusting of technology. :)

  I'll drop it though -- it does look bad.

   "That analysis is most apt. My original perimeters were substantially altered when my initial form failed in a test against the current threat."

perimeters ==> parameters

  ACK!

   "Pleased to meet you, Bogard-san. My name is Eimi. Would you like me to sing you a song? Kyusaka-sensei taught it to me..."

"Daisy, daisy ..."

  Bingo!

   The rest of their allies arrived in short order, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune arriving together, followed swiftly by Mars, and Mercury. Endymion hadn't shown up yet -- likely because of the wounds the monsters were creating in the Earth. The wounds that effected him, as well, making escape impossible. Which was why Moon was absent, as well. Someone needed to take care of him, moving him to the harbor, and to safety. They all would have been happier if they could _all_ have helped, but they needed to stay behind.

Superfluous commas after "Uranus" and "Mars".
effected ==> affected

  Actually, I flubbed -- Uranus and Neptune aren't even supposed to be there. >_<

  Good catch, though.

   The entire group fell into a careful silence, spread out into a wide circle. Saturn leaned against the Silence Glaive near a storefront, while the rest of the senshi fanned out from her, each peering about cautiously, and making as little noise as possible. The moon cats finally made their presence known, climbing atop an abandoned car for a better vantage, and sniffing around themselves cautiously.

"cautiously" twice in one paragraph.  You should probably change or
remove one of them.

  Ooh, that's ugly. Will reword.

   Jupiter whipped her head around to locate the speaker, but he was already gone, and Saturn's shrill cry of alarm distracted her. She spun again, only in time to see a man, or something _like_ a man, though she didn't have enough time to make out his facial features wrap his arms around Saturn, lifting her off the sidewalk, and then simply vanish. Only a half-second later, the storefront where she had been standing exploded violently, and a mass of black carapace and shattered glass tumbled through.

Needs a comma after "facial features".

  Righty-o.

   He dove towards it, sinking through the ground, and floating back up behind it, while it spun to face him. Taking advantage of its momentary surprise, he launched a powerful roundhouse into the joint between its abdomen and one leg, throwing all of his strength and cheating a bit by adding all of the power his levitation afforded him into the blow.

Cheating?  Hey, it's called "anything goes"...  :)

  Cheating _physics_. ;)

   The rest of the declaration was cut off as Ranma grabbed her,

Oooh, interrupting the speech.  That's a big no-no.

  ... You're right, now that I think about it.

   The girl with the red skirt, and long black hair said, "Um... I don't think he's on the same side as the monsters."

Unnecessary comma after "red skirt".

  It will be lined up with the others and shot.

Superfluous comma after "coating the wound".

  Yeee...

   That would have to be it, Ranma decided. "That was pretty good," he said aloud, wondering if he had perhaps abandoned martial arts cheerleading too quickly. The ability to throw fire around might have been nice, in the end, though he wasn't sure it would be worth having to wear a cheerleading outfit. No, he decided, glancing briefly at the green-skirted girl, when it came right down to it, he had enough problems trying to sort out honor and love, without adding more confusion to the situation.

Heh.  Trust Ranma to see it all in cheerleading terms.

  And the obligitory, "Honor and Love," reference. ^_^

   He nodded wordlessly, as the crowd behind him remained silent, apparently stunned at the whole ordeal. Not that he could blame them, really. Ran-oh-ki's senses linked with his, showing him where the other reaver was hiding nearby -- preparing to strike again, undoubtedly. "I didn't want to do this," Ranma grumbled. "I _really_ hope you guys don't get mad at me for this. Ran-oh-ki? I see those large rats on the car over there," he said, pointing to the one car left undamaged from the battle. "Go ahead and let go of the control."

Rats.  Riiiiight.  I hadn't quite realised all the implications of him
calling Ran-oh-ki a "rat" until now.  Or that Ran-oh-ki was suppressing
his fear.

  Well, now you know. :p

   She eyed Ryu appraisingly. "Ryu?" She asked, "Why did you lie to me?"

This is okay as it stands.  But I think it would read smoother as:
"Ryu?" she asked. "Why

  Agreed. Will adjust.

   The older man with the sword snorted, pointing at Ranma. "You'd better," her warned, "unless you want to make him mad. And, uh, I'll explain that part later."

he warned

  Got it.

   "Are you sure, Bogard-san?" Eimi asked him yet again. "I know how to sing, 'To be in Love', among other songs."

I think the comma after "how to sing" is superfluous.

  Got it.

   "Mae West was destroyed," Eimi explained, "but we were able to discern that the Americans named their fleet 'The Last Hope', before they departed. It's not widely publicized, but several of the ships in Tokyo Harbor arrived with the American Military vessels."

Should "Military" be capitalised?
Also (and this probably displays appalling ignorance on my part), what,
apart from an actress or a lifejacket, is Mae West?

  Military should not be capitalized, and Mae West is essentially a block servers that helps connect the west coast to the east coast, as far as the internet is concerned.

   The same soft 'ping' sounded, and the visual display zoomed out to a map of the entire planet. "This map is realtime, and we are currently tracking two hundred and fifty seven reavers. We suspect that there are more we cannot scan, and many are outside of out targeting range." The map zoomed in on the bay again, rushing in close enough to show a grainy image of a small crowd standing around the ruptured remnants of a reaver. "This is unexpected. It would appear as though this one was destroyed. However, I detect nearly a dozen more headed towards the same location, and one beneath this very tower. I cannot strike it without damaging myself."

out targeting ==> our targeting

  Got it.

   The reaver plummeted like a greasy comet, black legs waving limply behind it, trailed on all points by fluttering streamers of thick yellow ichor. Ranma landed gently on the street only a short distance away from the senshi, on all four limbs, and behind him, the reaver impacted in the crater with a moist sounding, 'thump', a small fountain of ichor fountaining upwards briefly to spatter against the street.

moist-sounding 'thump'
Please tell me that Ranma didn't start cleaning himself off with his tongue
after that...

  Got it, and... eeeeew!

   Dead silence rang out, while Pluto climbed to her feet, and dusted herself off. Venus was the first to break the quiet, "That boy's got issues." Hotaru smiled happily. Maybe he did, but she liked that. He was very interesting -- and he had tried to protect her, too.

Venus was the first to break the quiet. "That

  Yeesh. I'm just full of errors this time around.

makes."

  Bleah.

But is it housebroken?  :)

  I hope so.

   The man's smile widened. "Yes. I'm Masaki Yosho, former Emperor of Jurai."

Hmm, I'm missing something here -- probably deliberately on your part.
'Rebel faction'?  I suspect that Yosho knows smoething about the senshi's
past, that even Pluto doesn't.

  Yeah, it gets covered in the next chapter. Wait. Don't hold me to that. It _does_ get covered later, though.

   Ranma waved a hand dismissively, scowling, and hovering a short distance above the ground. A moment later, redheaded female appeared at his side, dressed identically, save that the blue flare was on her left arm, where his was on his right. The two faded out of sight for a moment, and then it was only Ranma, with a blue flare encompassing each arm, instead of just one.

A moment later, a redheaded

  Blasted typos...

   "You're my boyfriend now!" she exclaimed happily. Ranma's face spoke volumes of incredulity.

*sigh*
So he's collecting another stable of fiancees.  Hotaru .. and both Washuu
and Tsunami seem interested as well, though neither has actually come right
out and said so ...

  He gets odd reactions, yes.

   Yosho nodded, galvanized, and spun towards the still-frozen senshi, and assembled martial artists. "Okay, everyone, by now probably half of the ships have already left. Let's go!"

Lose the comma after "senshi".

  Right.

   Not wanting to face the possibility of being left behind, or worse, caught in the path of destruction from the heavens, they all wheeled and ran, Yosho just barely behind them, making sure none were abandoned. Ranma groaned, looking behind him. One way or another, the battle was a mixed success at best.

Any battle that gives him another fiancee is a mixed success...

  Heh, but Hotaru's not a fiancee. Nor are Washuu and Tsunami, really.

   Terry's eyes were half-closed, his breathing was labored, and his chest was a bloodied ruin. The man was trapped in the decimated remnants of the staircase, but he smiled when he saw Ranma. "Ranma," he said weakly. "I hoped... I hoped I would see you... before it was too late."

Probably not "decimated".  Decimated means that a tenth of it has been
killed.  Suggest "devastated".

  Aaahg... will change.

   And with that, his eyes drifted shut, one last time. "Thank you, Terry." Were those sobs he was hearing? But he couldn't be sure... "Thank you..."

I don't know much about Fatal Furty, but ... another sweet and touching
scene.  I wish I could do that as effortlessly as you seem to...

  It's hardly effortless. ^_^;;

  But thank you, very much for the kind words.

   "What's shiatsu?" Washuu asked, not attempting to wrest herself free of Ranma's grip.

Uh-huh.  I _said_ she's interested in him...  :)

  Or she's really sleepy. :p

Okay.  Hope all this is of some use.  Now get moving on the next chapter!
(Or actually ... back in chapter 4, didn't you say that the next chapter
of Rursus Iterum would be next?  That'd be good, too.  Write, write, write!)

  Posted. I'm not really happy with it, though.

Cheers,
Angus

  Thank you very much for taking the time to C&C for me! :)