#Hello, I'm C&Cing this as I read it, so I'll place comments here and
there between the paragraphs in question.  If it's not immediately
obvious, for formatting reasons, I'm beginning all my comments with a
pound sign.

Modu annyoung,

Here's the first part of my current writing project.
All writer's notes, for the time being, will be in a
separate file, but will not be posted anywhere until
such time as the story is finished.

I trust this letter finds you all well.  C&C always
welcome (even the harsh stuff), mindless flames always
subject to the DELETE key.

Annyounghi,

Fred

#Noted.  I like Ranma 1/2 and Urusei Yatsura, the combination of these two
in the same story attracted me to this.  I've not seen too much of UY
though, none of the manga and only a few of the movies.  I know nothing of
Sister Princess.

	The small crowd in the snack bar aboard the "Ferry Pukwan" laugh
and clap as the bearded traveller by the karioke

#karaoki

machine croons the bouncy notes of Si-kyung Sung's "Misoch'ounsa."  Most
of the crowd on this evening's run from Korea to Japan were tourists from
the former country taking advantage of summer vacation to spend time
abroad.  Imagine their surprise on encountering the singer.  Clearly, he
was a native of Japan despite his astounding fluency in the native tongue
of the Land of the Morning Calm.  Given the decades of hatred and rivalry
between the nations bordering the shores of the East Sea, to encounter
someone of Japan willing to learn a "lesser" tongue like Korean was
shocking.

	As the song comes to a close, the traveller smiles, handing the
microphone back to the bartender.  "<<You sing really well,>>" one of the
women laughs as he rises, turning to leave.

#You probably don't need to even use << >> to denote use of a foreign
language.  Just specify that they are speaking in Korean and that should
be good enough.

	Walking forward, then ascending a gangway to where first class
quarters are located, he draws a key, then opens the door to one room.
Glancing in, he tries not to grin on seeing a woman under the covers.
Despite the aura of physical fitness which cloaks her, her skin is pale
and clammy, sweat pouring from her shaggy head of chestnut hair.  Her
eyes, both dark brown, are squeezed shut.  "You okay, Onee-chan?" the
traveller wonders, sitting on the bed as he gently brushes away

#This sounds odd.  "Her eyes, both dark brown, are squeezed shut."  Unless
people typically have multiple eye colors, this is a redundant statement.

	Negako faintly nods.  "Nine hours," she exhales.  The ferry docked
at the Shimonoseki terminal around 8:30 in the morning.  She opens her
eyes to gaze on him.  "You seem indifferent about returning to Japan,
Ataru."

#Ataru?  Okay, this is different.

	"Thanks to you, Onee-chan," Ataru clicks his tongue, then stares
out the curtained window.  Bright points of light on the horizon and
closer indicated fishing boats plying their trade.  "Right now, there's
nothing that'll force me back into that hellhole.  Nothing at all..."

#This must have something to do with Sister Princess, because as far as I
know, Ataru is an only child.  Right?

	"She was not prepared to accept what happened to you," Negako
smiles as Ataru, now in boxers, slips in beside her; in deference to
modesty, she wore a tank-top and panties.

	They warmly embrace as Ataru draws the blankets over them.
"Yeah," he cuts out the lights.  "Besides..." a faint glow illuminates his
left eye.  "She was not the Other.  The Other is elsewhere.  Elsewhere..."

#So, is she his sister, or lover?

THE FIRST PART - SOLITUDES

	Nerima, mid-morning...

	"Ohayo, Onee-chan.  Where're Ranma-kun and Akane?"

#You could also probably do away with the extra japanese phrasing, and use
"Goodmorning Kasumi" or something similar.

	Kasumi looks up, then smiles as Nabiki sits across from her.
"Akane-chan's at school with her friends preparing for the drama class
play.  I'm not too sure where Ranma-kun is, however..."

	Nabiki grunts, shaking her head.  "Those two idiots just don't
know when to leave it alone, eh?" she mutters.

	"Unfortunately.  And adding Auntie Saotome to the equation doesn't
help matters, I'm afraid," Kasumi sighs, nodding.

#Or if you want to keep it, at least stay consistant.

	Today was exactly six weeks after the disaster which might have
been Ranma Saotome's and Akane Tendou's wedding tore apart the dojo.  At
the same time, Nabiki mused, it effectively shredded what progress both
teens had made in their relationship since the day they met.  In the wake
of the battle with Saffron, things had been relatively calm for two weeks
(i.e., no major spats between Ranma and Akane).  That peace gave their
fathers hope that they could try again in spite of what happened the first
time.

#I thought that Mr. Tendo had planned, in the last few pages of volume 38,
to stop interferring and let them get together of their own accord, seeing
as how the two of them pushing Ranma and Akane together was not helping.

, unfortunately, Akane's frustration and anger over Ranma's supposed
unwillingness to firmly deal with all his problems, which normally
resulted in his taking a quick flight via Mallet-sama across town every
time, it seemed, he opened his mouth, even in innocence.

#Mallet-sama is an overused fanfiction convention.  Come up with something
else, or better yet, drop it.

	Even more so, Nodoka had joined her husband and Akane's father in
pressing Ranma to do the "manly" thing and properly consummate his
relationship with the youngest Tendou.  That, Nabiki quickly learned
thanks to her many wiretaps in the Saotomes' guest room, did nothing more
than erode whatever faith and trust Ranma had in his mother.
Understandable.  Being absent from his life for a decade, then forcing
Ranma to live a lie as "Ranko Tendou" to avoid a seppuku pledge, made
Nodoka a stranger to her own son.  And, unfortunately, Nodoka's
traditional world-view wouldn't allow her to see beyond what giri demanded
of her family.

#I really disagree with this characterization of Nodoka.  In the manga,
she does have some strange ideas about the way things should be, but no
more than any other character in Ranma 1/2.  It's for comedic purposes,
and gets grossly bent out of shape when you take that away.  Ranma tries
very hard to please his mother, you shouldn't just throw that away because
you may not want to write it out.  And as far as I know, Nabiki does not
wiretap and use surveillance systems to spy on people.  She just usually
tries to make a quick buck off of those who deserve to be menaced by her.

	"Where's the newspaper?" Nabiki wonders.

	"It's over by the television," Kasumi points.

	Nabiki nods, rising to pick up a copy of the "Yomiuri Shimbun,"
then she sits as Kasumi heads into the kitchen to prepare tea.  Flipping
through the pages, her eyes stop as they pick up a headline from the local
news:

ALIEN PRINCESS DEAD!  TOMOBIKI IN MOURNING!

#eh?

	Knowing the "Yomiuri Shimbun" didn't do flashy tabloid headlines,
Nabiki plunges into the article.  *'It has today

#you've got a tense problem here.

been confirmed by the principal of Tomobiki High School that the Oni
princess Lum, who had resided in that part of Tokyo's Nerima Ward for the
past eighteen months, was killed three weeks ago by enemies of the Oni
race somewhere in deep space,'* she reads, inwardly shuddering.  *Shit,
this isn't going to do me many favours.  'Lum, who was well liked among
people in Tomobiki despite the "Second Tag Race" of two months ago, was
forced to leave Earth along with other alien residents of Tomobiki when
reports came of the Oni race's state of war with another race, known to
United Nations authorities as the Noukiites.  While exact circumstances of
Lum's death remain unclear, it is believed she was assassinated because of
her high standing in Oni society.

#I'll assume you've got a good reason to kill off the main character of
UY.

	*'When news of Lum's death reached Tomobiki, the expression of
grief and sadness at her loss, especially among the high school-age
population, was unprecedented.  Already, there is a movement to erect a
memorial to Lum at Tomobiki High School, financed by the Mendou
Conglomerate at the behest of Shutaro Mendou, heir to the Conglomerate's
leadership and a close friend to the late Oni.  A special memorial service
in Lum's honour will be held on Monday morning around 12:00 PM at Tomobiki
High School.

	*'Surprisingly, Ataru Moroboshi, Lum's common-law husband, has
been missing from Tomobiki for the past six weeks, his disappearance
coinciding with Lum's expulsion.  His current whereabouts, much less the
circumstances of his departure from Tomobiki, remain a mystery...'*

	Nabiki puts the paper down.  She had invested in parts of the
Mendou family empire, using profits from that to keep the dojo on a firm
financial footing.  Further, her intelligence and betting network was
fully linked into the Tomobiki

#That's nice she's got so many connections like that.  Awfully convenient
too.  Again, another fanfiction convention.

student grapevine.  She knew about Lum's departure (along with that of the
Oni's cousin Jariten and a former junior high classmate, Lan), not to
mention Ataru's disappearance.  The latter concerned her; like Ranma in
Furinkan, Ataru Moroboshi seemed to be a magnet for trouble.

	Trouble, Nabiki long ago learned, generated profits.

#There's probably something like that in the "Rules of Acquisition" book
too.

	Rising, the middle Tendou daughter heads into her bedroom.
Picking up her cell-phone, she dials a number.  A second later, a young
woman's voice calls back, "Moshi-moshi, Marubeya desu."

#Gratuitous Japanese.

	"Momoe-san, it's Nabiki."

	"Oh, Nabiki-san!" Momoe Marubeya laughs.  "I didn't do it."

	"Funny, funny!" Nabiki snorts.  "Listen, you got any more tidbits
about why Moroboshi skipped town six weeks back?"

	A sigh.  "He renounced his parents."

#Why would he do that?

	Silence.

	"What?!" Nabiki gapes, wide-eyed.

	"Truth.  Turns out, it's because of THAT, Lum got thrown off the
planet.  When he said *adios* to his parents, he said *adios* to whatever
agreement they made with Lum's parents about their getting married.  When
the U.N. got wind of it, they decided Lum no longer had reason to stay.
With the crap with the Noukiites starting at the same time..."

#I don't know anything about the "Noukiites," but would the United Nations
really have any say in whether or not Lum stayed on earth?  She seemed to
do whatever she wanted to really.  And for that matter, Lum loves Ataru,
so it would be out of character for her to just leave because Ataru
decided he wanted to move away from home.  She'd just go with him.  Expand
on this _a lot_ to make it believable.

	"It..." Momoe pauses, then sighs.  "Hard to say, Nabiki-san.  I
mean, regardless of how you feel about her, Lum really left her mark on
this place.  All the guys are...!" a pause, then, "Shit, it's scary if you
ask me!  I think we're gonna see some suicides out of that bunch!"

	"Run a pool on that one.  My money's on Megane."

#I suppose.

	"I'll have to keep it quiet, then," Momoe warns.  "And well..."
another pause as she considers things, then, "Look, I hate the idiot for
the crap he stirred up because of Lum and all that, but I don't want to
wish the guy dead!  He's a first-class jerk and all that, but, hell..."

#Megane?

	"Yeah, I gotcha.  What about the girls?"

	"Well, the biggest impact's been on Shinobu-san, but I already
told you about that."  Hearing that, Nabiki nods.  Almost immediately
after Lum had left, Shinobu Miyaki's strange ability to summon vast levels
of strength in times of great stress had vanished.  "I guess with Lum
gone, she might think of trying to get back together with Ataru-kun
again."

#Except he's been gone for six weeks, so that's probably not going to
happen.

	Nabiki sighs.  "Really hard to predict that one, Momoe-san.  After
all, the guy's been gone for six weeks.  Besides, thanks to him, Lum got
the boot off the planet.  Look, run a wager to see if he shows up at the
memorial on Monday."  It was Saturday now.  "Usual odds and fees, okay?"

#Ahh.

	On the Shinkansen between Osaka and Tokyo...

#Most people aren't going to know what that is.

	Ataru folds the paper and sets it aside.  "No, not yet.  Now that
someone's broke the news to those idiots in Tomobiki, I won't be able to
say a thing without it being twisted and turned every which way possible."
A pause, then, "By the way, did you sense who brought the news to Earth?"

#I'm trying to figure out who this Ataru guy is, since he isn't acting
anything like Ataru Moroboshi.

	"Oyuki was responsible," Negako sighs.  "Benten can be easily
stopped by the Zephyrites if need be.  Jariten also, IF his parents would
allow him to come to Earth anyway now that Lum is dead.  And as long as
Rei is engaged in combat against the Noukiites, Lan will remain close to
him."

#And who is this girl, anyway?

	Ataru's eyes narrow.  "Yeah, the Zephyrites might be loath to try
to stop a crown princess from making a visit to that zoo.  Too many
political implications.  Besides, if we fully close Earth off to the
Galactic Federation as a whole, Triton's going to be in quite the spot."

#Again, he doesn't talk like this.

	"They may try to seek you out," Negako warns.  "You know very well
none of Lum's friends have really liked you."

	"As of this time, the feeling's VERY mutual.  And you're right.
They may try to seek me out," an icy smile then crosses Ataru's face, his
eyes narrowing.  "As if they'll succeed in doing whatever they might want
to me in 'punishment' over what happened to Lum, that's another damned
story."

	"Indeed..."

#Right.

	Reigi blinks, then his eyes narrow.  "Stop now, Shutaro."

	Mendou tenses.  "What...?!"

	Faster than he could react, Reigi's hand snares Mendou by the
neck, yanking him up.  A tap to a shiatsu point on the arm makes the
younger man let go of his katana.  Mendou is then slammed back-first into
a wall, Reigi glaring into the other man's eyes.  "You, asshole, don't
seem to get what's REALLY going on here," Toranoseishin's chief of
operations snarls, tapping another shiatsu point to totally paralyse
Mendou's arms and legs.  "I've waited for a VERY long time to see that Oni
slut you loved so much thrown off this planet.  Much that you'd like to
think otherwise, boy-o, not EVERYONE in this lunacy asylum you call home
liked her."

	Mendou shudders, then sensing he couldn't do anything with his
arms and legs, pales.  Reigi smirks.  "I haven't had cause to use my own
martial arts training in some time, but given what a pompous ass you are,
Shutaro, I felt it was time to brush up on my shiatsu skills.  Now," the
financier leans up to gaze into the younger man's eyes.  "I talk.  You
listen."

#Is this Reigi guy your own creation?  I get the feeling you don't like
Mendou much.

	Two burly men walk in, grabbing Mendou by the shoulders and
dragging him to his feet.  "Remember this, Shutaro," Reigi muses as the
scion of the Mendou empire is taken out.  "If you think what I've kept
under my hat's rough, you better watch out for what ATARU'S kept under his
hat."

#He's a lean, mean, fighting machine, that Ataru. :)

	Ranma blinks as she senses footfalls on the bridge.  Glancing up,
she walks into the clear to gaze on whoever had stopped right above her
head.  Two people, teenagers despite the man's beard.  Both dressed as if
they had taken an excursion in the wilderness, backpacks slung over their
shoulders.  Peering closer, Ranma is quick to sense their chi auras.
Their chi...

#Ataru has a beard?  He can't be much older than Ranma is!  The Japanese
just don't get facial hair normally that young.

	Another exchanged look between the siblings.  "Yes, you can
certainly say that," the male then catches himself.  "Oh, damn, sorry
about that.  I'm Ataru Moroboshi and this is my sister, Negako.  Pleased
to meet you."

	Ranma pauses, then stares anew at Ataru.  "Ataru?!  What're you
doin' here in Nerima then?  Don't you live in Tomobiki?"

#I suppose that it's entirely possible that he's heard of Ataru Moroboshi,
but Ranma usually seems to be caught up with the members of his own clique
enough to the point where he doesn't get around too much otherwise.  It's
somewhat unrealistic that he's so familiar with Ataru at this point.

	The air around the Moroboshi siblings chills to mid-winter
temperatures.  "No.  I don't," Ataru icily replies.

	Ranma shudders at that look, waving her hands as if to say 'It's
not MY fault!'  Negako sighs.  "Please forgive Ataru.  Given the
propensity of the people of Tomobiki to blame him for EVERYTHING that
happened there, he has little love for them.  In fact, had he the power,
he'd drop a nuclear bomb on the place to eradicate it from Existence
itself."

	"Not that it'd help," Ataru snorts.  "Save for a SCANT few,
they're all idiots.  Even a nuke wouldn't affect them!"

	"Agreed."

#A little hostility there, it seems.

	"Indeed, I do!" Tampopo gently grasps Negako's hand and giving it
a firm squeeze.  "Thanks for bringing him back in one piece, Negako-san!
I'd be put off if he didn't survive the tortures you planned for him."

#Now, I don't remember Tampopo from UY at all, so I'm a little lost on her
original characterization.

	"It was required," Negako lightly smiles.

	Ranma feels her cheeks flush as Tampopo and Ataru gaze on her.
"See you were quick to pick up a new one after I left," he muses, then
stares with exaggerated annoyance at their hostess.  "Why?!  Didn't I
provide enough entertainment for you when we were still living back in
Tomobiki?!"

	"No, in many ways, Ranma-chan here's in the same boat you were in
back there," Tampopo replies.  "Usual, Ranma-chan?"

#Who calls Ranma as "Ranma-chan?"  How old is this person?  Ranma is also
not the type to tell his life story to strangers, save for in fanfiction
anyway.  He always gives just enough information to just get by so people
will leave him alone.

	"Think of all the things you've gone through, Ranma-chan," Tampopo
sighs as she now prepares the martial artist's favoured shrimp
okonomiyaki.  "In one way or another, Ataru-chan's been through the same
things."

#Like this.  The reader knows what Ranma and Ataru have been through, but
only because we've read the manga.  With out a long history between Ranma
and Tampopo, it's unlikely she'd know very much about him at all.

	Ataru sighs.  "Well, I've had to live with an ex-girlfriend who
never really cared if I live or die, a so-called 'wife' who felt it was
her right to TOTALLY dominate everything about my life, total assholes for
parents, no friends whatsoever and a whole town where almost everyone,"
his eyes fall on Tampopo, she blushing in return, "...blames you for
everything that happens there even if it wasn't your fault in the first
place."

#...

	Cologne shudders as she tries to focus in on the intensive chi
nexi she perceived a half-hour ago.  Whoever, WHATEVER, it was, it
outstripped both her and Happousai when it came to experience, not to
mention Ranma in potential.  Trying to keep track of it as she was
monitoring lunch, the elder lost the trail when it stopped, totally
vanishing from the elder's chi-view around the ramen/beefbowl
establishment some blocks away.

#The girl?  Ataru?

	What was worrisome to Cologne is that whatever this newcomer was,
she (the Nyuchezuu elder believed the newcomer was female) was accompanied
by a man whose chi levels are on par, though his experience was minuscule.
Even more, Ranma had

#Oh, come on.  How could she possibly be able to figure that out?

met up with them on the bridge over the Shakujii.  Cologne knew that was
Ranma's chosen place whenever he wanted to be alone.  She respected that,
ensuring neither Shampoo or Mousse would disturb Ranma when he was there.
A tired sigh escapes

#You just changed tenses again.

her.  It was now QUITE obvious that everyone's pushing on Ranma was about
to provoke an explosion at the level the battle with Saffron unleashed.
The lad was being overwhelmed by the competing fiancees, the sea of
would-be challengers, the mindless pressure from his PARENTS of all
people...!  And with the loss of that last keg of Nannichuan water thanks
to

#This dialogue doesn't really fit Cologne.

Happousai at the so-called wedding, Ranma's hopes of being a full man
again were perhaps forever dashed.

	Privately, Cologne recently concluded that pushing for a marriage
between Shampoo and Ranma was now out of the question.  Regardless of the
feelings he might have for the Tendou girl, to force Ranma into the world
of the Nyuchezuu would, after all he had been through, be inhumane.  Yes,
the Nyuchezuu laws were harsh and tilted too much to uphold the female
over the male, but Cologne's native society wasn't as absolutist as the
spineless idiots running the so-called "People's Republic" in Beijing.
But there were escape valves built into all the Nyuchezuu laws, even the
combat-for-marriage and the Kiss of Death laws.

#How does slandering the PRC come in?

	Tampopo's...

#I can't remember for sure, but I think you've used this method to change
the scene before as well.  Just show who is now talking, and that should
let the reader know where the point of view is.

	"Oh, gods, you've GOT to be kidding me!"

	"No joke," Ranma shakes her head.  After having dinner with Ataru
and Negako, the three had moved to a private booth at the back of
Tampopo's.  Once alone and feeling relatively secure from potential
eavesdroppers, Ranma and Ataru began relaying their life stories to the
other.  "Even now, AFTER she said that Oyaji had fulfilled the contract,
she's always on my damned case about being 'manly' and all that.  Damn,
with three official engagements and all that, what's so fuckin' 'manly'
about that?!"

#Ranma would not talk like this about his mother regardless if he was
upset with her or not.  That's just plain rude.

	"Oh, no!  She'd want me to hang around so she could try to extort
all the money Grandma and Great-grandma set aside for me, then when she
embezzled it all, THEN she'd get rid of me!  That's why she tried to get
me married off to Lum as soon as she could.  Hell, she probably told the
newspapers about us being a 'common-law' couple and all that.  Thank
Buddha that Reigi-kun and Grandma's lawyers never bought into that crap!"

#The hell you say.  Are you just making this up?

	"At the wedding, when I found out that casket of Nannichuan was
gonna be a 'wedding present' and that Akane knew about it but never told
me..." her voice trails off, then she gazes at her glass of juice.  "Well,
that's when I realized she was really no better than Shampoo or Ukyou."

#That's not how it was at all.  She only found out about the Nannichuan
water right before Ranma did, and then only went along with the bribe
because she wanted to see Ranma get his wish, to be rid of his curse.

	"Meaning?" Ataru prods.

	"Treatin' me like a prize instead of a person."

	Hearing that, he nods, groaning.  "Oh, yes, I know how THAT feels.
I..." now he pauses, then breathes out.  "I never really sat back and
thought about it until Nee-chan here came back to fix my memories up," he
indicates Negako with a nod, "...but Lum always treated me, right from day
one, like some prized pet.  I wasn't a real husband to her, not where we'd
share a relationship as equals and all that.  I was just a fool who
couldn't be trusted to make his own decisions and all that.  Gods!  Did
she honestly expect me to be willing to live my whole LIFE like that?!  I
mean, yeah, she had her good points, too!  But...!"

#Totally one sided character bashing against Lum.  And what's this about
fixing his memories?  Is there something you're not telling us?

	"Yeah.  So what're you and Negako-san here gonna do now?"

	"Well, get a hotel room, then start scouting around for an
apartment," Ataru stretches.  "Since it's summer vacation and that
Reigi-kun secured all my records when I left Tomobiki, I'll go to your
school and see if I can get in."

#I thought this guy was Ataru's uncle.  Why's he referring to him as
Reigi-kun?

	"Yeah, you'll be a real hit with the principal," Ranma snorts,
nodding to Ataru's beard and ponytail-styled hair.

#It took me two years to grow out a ponytail that went down to my mid
back.  Ataru wouldn't be able to do it in just six weeks.

	"Oh?" Ataru's eyebrow arches.  "Sounds like you can give some
advice about what I could expect there."

#Why is he even bothering with continuing highschool?  He's already
dropped out, and it's not like he needs to be there or anything.

	"For my real friends, not to mention my favourite customer?!  Of
course not!" Tampopo chuckles.  "It's good that you did come, Ataru-chan.
I'm starting to get worried about Ranma-chan there.  If I didn't know
better, I'd swear he was a combat solder just back from World War Two."

#What's this coming from?

	"She does show extreme signs of combat fatigue," Negako sips a cup
of tea.  "Perhaps her battle with Saffron was the right sort of impetus.
Unless she alters her strategy concerning all her would-be rivals soon,
she could easily loose control of herself.  And given her skill and
experience, it could easily result in the deaths of many of those she
cares for."

	Ataru blinks, then stares at her.  "Are you saying that Ranma
there's really a girl deep inside, not a boy?"

#This is totally out of the blue, I have no clue how Ataru came to this
conclusion.

	"When she was first immersed in the Nyannichuan at Jusenkyou, she
did not revert to her birth-form until nearly twenty minutes after she
fell in," Negako reports.  "Given the mental damage she sustained because
of the Neko-ken training however, the psychological change Jusenkyou's
power could unleash in that instance did not latch on right away.  In
ways, Ranma could still withstand that transformation indefinitely, but
that would be in a more stable situation emotionally than what she
possesses now."

#Oh please.  How could Negako possibly know these intimate details?  I
doubt even Ranma realizes some of them.  When he first got cursed, he was
mindlessly chasing around Genma trying to beat him, not paying attention
to how many minutes he was spending in his cursed form while doing so.  So
focused on his target, he didn't even notice knocking Ryoga over the
cliff's edge.  And really, Nageko knowing so much about Jusenkyo and the
Neko-ken is really just classic deus ex machina.

	Kasumi raises her hand in oath.  "It will not leave my lips and
I've made sure this room hasn't been bugged."

	"Great!" Ranma stands up...

#"Ranma stands up..." is not a good way to end a scene.

	A wet, female Ranma stands at the doorway.  "There's this old lady
living some doors down from the Tendou place.  She gets me every time
she's out waterin' her walkway!" she mutters, squeezing the extra liquid
from her blouse before stepping over to sit at the counter.  "How come
you're working here today, Ataru-san?  Couldn't get a hotel room?"

#Ranma would probably be calling him just Ataru, and leaving off the
honorifics.

	"No, Nee-chan and I were given the chance to stay in the guest
room here," Ataru nods to the back of the restaurant.  "So I paid her back
by helping out with the morning shift.  Want something to warm up there?"

#And some hot water, too, for obvious reasons.

	"Something Tampopo-chan came up with for me to recover whenever
Lum decided to give me her 'divine retribution,'" Ataru rolls his eyes,
then pauses, frowning.  "Damn.  Not the right thing to say about the dead,
ne?"

#Using "ne" like this implies feminine speech patterns.  Unless Ataru has
mysteriously turned gay, as he's not trying to build a new harem at all
from what I see, he should probably be using "na" instead.  Or better yet,
nothing at all.

	"Excuse me, can someone...?  RANMA?!!"

	Ranma sighs, then looks left to see Ryouga Hibiki now at the
entranceway.  Ataru blinks, then glances at the wanderer.  "I take it this
is ANOTHER of your playmates?" he stares quizzically at Ranma.

	"Unfortunately," Ranma mutters under her breath.

#Very uncharacteristic of him with his sombre tone.  This is usually where
the cheerful banter is exchanged that precludes the sparring match.

	Ranma jolts, then looks over before her eyes drop to see a
struggling P-chan trying to navigate out of Ryouga's clothing.  Before the
piglet could escape, a hand snares him by his bandanna, then yanks him up
to gaze eye-to-eye with Ataru.  "Hibiki-san, I'm going to make this VERY
clear!" the transplanted Tomobiki resident growls.  "If you even THINK of
starting a fight with anyone in my friend's shop, I personally will see
you FOREVER frozen as a piglet for the REST of your life!  Got me,
buster?!"

#huh?

	"Hibiki, I'm going to say this ONCE.  And if it hasn't sunk into
whatever serves as your brain, I will NOT be responsible for what happens
next," Ataru sighs, sensing Ryouga had recovered enough to pay attention.
"One:  Ranma-san did NOT tell me about your meeting with Jusenkyou.  That
particular problem of yours is as obvious as mud in a ballroom when it
comes to your chi signature.  And believe me, I CAN read chi better than
Ranma-san.  Two:  Ranma-san DID tell me about your obsession with Akane
Tendou and how much YOU'VE made Ranma-san's life hell because of it.
Three:  I am NOT bound by outdated codes of Bushido as you (even if, in my
opinion, you HAVE no honour in the first place!), which means that if you
decide to start a vendetta against me, you better have your papers in
order first, because if you attack me, I will use your curse against you
and KILL YOU!!  THEN, I might decide to mail your carcass to Tendou-san
just to make sure she doesn't get any stupid ideas, either!  GOT ME?!!"

#This seems a bit over the top.

	Someone who knew his secret.

	Someone who would gladly EXPLOIT that secret.

	Therefore, someone who was as totally honourless as Ranma.

	There was only one solution to that, Ryouga knew.

	That someone would DIE!

#And thus, reaffirming his status as a one dimentional moron.

	The yatai matron looks up.  "Oh, don't bother your sister about
that, Fuchiko-san.  Personally, I agree with Chigaiko-san.  Good riddance,
not only to Lum, but all those other alien monsters that came with her."

#These people are rather heartless and mean spirited.  Whatever happens to
them, I probably won't be feeling any sympathy toward them.

	They head off.  Minutes later, they arrive at Tampopo's to obtain
the backpacks Ataru and Negako had used in their travels.  What permanent
items the Moroboshi siblings needed had been kept in storage at
Toranoseishin Finances' Tomobiki headquarters.  Ataru would not send for
that until well after Lum's memorial.  Just before turning down the
cul-de-sac to the Moroboshis' new home, a voice bellows out from behind
them, "RANMA!!!!"

	Ataru and Negako spin around as a dark-haired woman charges up, a
chi mallet in hand.  Ranma's reaction isn't as quick as the mallet dives
for her skull.  Ataru's is much faster as he levels his index finger on
target.

#I don't know what to make of this scene, except as a way to alienate
Akane from the rest of the story by making her look like a violent
psychobitch.  As far as I know, Ranma hasn't done anything to anger her
lately, so she wouldn't attack him out of the blue like that.  If it's
about the whole P-chan thing, you'd be better off with her angrily
confronting him, and then allowing him to say something stupid, and _then_
she'd whomp him.

	"***SEISHIN REEZAA KOOSEN!!!!***"

#This is something Sister Princess related, yeah?

	A searing hot bolt slices Mallet-sama's handle in half, causing
the head, now lacking any motive force, to spin around in mid-air before
crashing DOWN on Akane's head!  Ranma is frozen as she morbidly watches
her fiancee drop face-first into the street.  So are Sayuri and Yuka, both
of whom have NEVER seen ANYONE so readily defeat Akane's mallet attack.

	Negako remains calm as Ataru relaxes himself, he moving to stand
beside Ranma.  "You okay there, Ranma-san?"

	Ranma blinks, then stares at Ataru.  "Um, y-yeah, I'm okay.  How'd
you do that?!  Never seen a chi attack like THAT before!"

#And he'd not just let that happen either.  Ranma protects Akane, he
wouldn't let something like that happen to her, and do absolutely nothing
afterward.

	Ataru guides her away from the scene.  Negako watches them go,
then glances at Sayuri and Yuka, both moving to help Akane.  Shrugging,
she moves on, then stops on hearing an incensed "BWEE!!!!" from behind
her.  She drops to one knee, a finger tapping the road just as P-chan is
about to jump past her, ready to tear at the bastard who DARED fire a chi
blast at Akane.  Before he could react, the ground EXPLODES, sending a
funnel of earth at him!!  Sayuri and Yuka scream, covering Akane with
their bodies as P-chan finds himself flying into the sky with a pained
wail.

#I don't like this Ataru.

	The Nekohanten...

	"Hibaa-chan, what was that?"

	"I believe it was an application of the earth-heart fire-geyser,
child," she glances out the window, noting a cloud of dust in the air.  "I
even sensed the spirit laser.  But only trained practitioners of Saikoo
Jinseijitsu Ninjitsu-ryuu are familiar with either of those manoeuvres."

#Leave it to the old ghoul to know exactly what's going on...

	"'Way of the Supreme Life School of Stealth'...?"

	Nabiki slips off her earphones as her mind churns over what she
just overheard thanks to the wiretaps hidden in the Nekohanten.  It had
been hard to place those taps there given how skilled and experienced
Cologne was, but it had been worth it, especially when things picked up
again after the wedding disaster.  So what did all THIS mean...?

#This is also not very believable.  Nabiki planting listening devices in
the Cat Cafe with Cologne not finding them, despite her obviously being
the all knowing, all seeing mystic guru portrayed in the last scene?  I
don't buy it.

	"Moroboshi-Hana Saikoo Jinseijitsu Ninjitsu-ryuu," Happousai
finishes.  "Matter of fact, Nabiki-chan, I know about that school very
well.  So," he glances briefly out the window, then turns back to the bra,
chuckling.  "That's what I sensed a few minutes ago.  I assume you got
that name from those taps you have in Cologne-chan's restaurant."

	Nabiki jolts, then steels her face into her "Ice Lady" look.
"How'd you know about that, Ojii-chan?"

	"Oh, don't worry.  I won't tell her.  Sometimes, she needs to be
knocked off her high horse to remind her that she's still human,"
Happousai sighs, then a knowing smile crosses his face.  "You probably
heard Cologne-chan mention two particular attacks used by those who
practice that Art:  the Seishin Reezaa Koosen and the Daichi-ki
Hi-kanketsusen."

#This is also totally out of character for Happosai.  Skipping onward a
little bit...

	"That we've got two, maybe more, people in town who practice the
martial art school Ojii-chan based our family's Art on," Nabiki reports.
"Ojii-chan sensed what happened.  So did Cologne.  And by the sounds of
it, these people are long-time allies of the Amazons."

#News to me.

	Ataru, Negako and Ranma relax in the sitting room, sharing cups of
herbal tea.  As soon as the Moroboshi siblings had moved into the old
shrine, they decided a practice bout was in order to ensure their skills
didn't rust.  Ranma was treated to the sight of two people trained with
the same intensity as she demonstrated, going at each other with gusto.
While the exotic moves in Saikoo Jinseijitsu hadn't come into play, what
Ranma had seen had been enough to tell her that the Moroboshis could teach
her things that Genma hadn't even heard of, perhaps Happousai and Cologne
too.

#I think it's time to explain exactly who Negako is, and why Ataru
Moroboshi has been tossed away and replaced with an entirely new character
with the same name.  Too many unanswered questions still not even hinted
at half way through the story.

	"Her skill level is laughable at best," Negako notes.  "She has no
self-discipline, her control over her emotions is nearly non-existent..."
she pauses, then sighs.  "In the end, she is lazy, Ranma.  And your
overprotective attitude towards her has not helped matters in the long
run.  If she desires to gain a sufficient level of skill to deal with a
normal run of opponents, she will have to drastically change ALL her
mannerisms."

#Wow, this much learned from Akane just by screaming "Ranma" while
charging at him with a chi-based mallet, (which would lead me to believe
that she is highly trained in some respects, given the fact that no other
characters can reproduce this) and dispite this, she is indeed lazy,
unskilled, and spoiled.

	"'Gunfighter syndrome?!'"

	Ataru chuckles.  "Simply put, you ARE the best martial artist of
your age group in this part of Japan, perhaps even the whole world.  You
happen to be in a part of the world which also has an overflow of other
really powerful martial artists.  And because you're the best, these other
dorks feel insecure and have decided to challenge you in hopes of beating
you and giving themselves a greater sense of security."

#That's a pretty good analogy.  I like that.

	"Perhaps you should remain here tonight."

	Ranma blinks, then stares at Ataru.  "Oi, I don't think..."

#<Ataru> Come on, you've been in your girl body for a few days now.  Have
I told you yet that you are a total babe?  Why don't you stay here and we
can get to know eachother better, if you know what I mean! *wink wink,
nudge nudge, leer leer*

#<Negako> [starts removing clothing] Come on Ranma, it'll be fun!

#<Ranma> Well, okay...

	"Sure," Ataru nods as the transformed martial artist rises,
heading out of the shrine.  Exchanging a knowing look with Negako, Ataru
nods.  Negako does not react as she rises, following Ranma out of the
shrine.  As soon as she is gone, Ataru sighs, moving to make more tea.

	"Let's hope we're in time with her."

	"Agreed."

#*nods*

	Akane storms down, fists quaking indignantly as she plops down
beside Nabiki.  "Ranma!!  He didn't even come home last night, Auntie
Saotome!!!"

	"Actually, he called sometime after supper," Kasumi reports.

#Actually, he came home to get his stuff, and then left again.

	"I never heard of him being a martial artist!!" Genma scoffs.
"The boy's time is wasted with that fellow!!!"

	Niagara Falls from Souun.  "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Ranma-kun'll learn all sorts of horrible things from that man!!!"

#boy

	"Negako, Ojii-san," Kasumi replies.

	"Ah!  'Wish child.'  How ironic," Happousai nods approvingly, then
stares at his students.  "So if you IDIOTS even THINK of trying to drag
Ranma-chan from his hosts, I might decide to drag BOTH of you on a
training trip to teach you some respect!" his voice drops to a threatening
growl.

#Negai is wish, Nega is "negative."  Wish Child "Negako" is not.

	Ataru's former girlfriend breaks from the others to approach his
parents.  As she closes in, Shinobu's heart chills to see the aged, pained
looks on Muchi's and Kinshou's faces.  Well, it was understandable to an
extent; both did care for Lum.  But the level of pain, grief and even
anger being projected from their eyes clearly came from more than Lum's
death, the way it happened.  "Moroboshi-san, Mrs. Moroboshi, are you
alright?" she moves up, bowing respectfully, then she gently grasps
Kinshou's hand.

	Kinshou blinks, then stares quizzically at the girl who might have
been her daughter-in-law before she looks away.  "Oh, hello,
Shinobu-chan," she weakly replies.  "Oh, yes.  We're quite fine.  Excuse
us, please."

	They head towards the school.  Shinobu watches them go, then feels
an ominous chill run through her.

	What in God's name had happened...?

#That's what I've been wondering this entire fanfic.

*    *    *

	Unnoticed by Shinobu, a swarthy man dressed in a jumpsuit
emblazoned with the Tomobiki District Sanitation Service badge, walks
through the gate, heading to the main entrance.  Empty garbage cans are
piled on the trolley he was now pushing onto the grounds.  His eyes,
hooded by bushy eyebrows and a weathered face, dart everywhere as he
separates the innocent from the guilty.  At least, the day had come.
Paradise was beckoning Ibrahim Alhamzi with its siren call.  He knew Allah
would bless his sacrifice as long as the devil-woman Lum's infidel
worshippers were delivered to their deserved place in the lowest pit of
Hell!

#What the hell?  I hope you're not doing with this what I think you are...

	But Ibrahim also knew Allah would not look favourably on his
taking the lives of the innocent as he righteously punished the guilty.
This had to be done with precision.  Yes, too many high schoolers, both
boys and girls, had been enchanted by the devil-woman Lum and those who
followed her.  But only a scant few were truly guilty of crimes against
the human race.  This was not just jihad, the fight to protect Islam from
heretics who would destroy the Faithful.  This was a war for humankind's
liberation from the lies and false promises ALIENS of all things forced on
them.

	Surely, Allah would bless his noble deed this day.

	He moves towards a pile of garbage bags by the front doors.  He
had already seen one target.  Aisuru Megane, the leader of the monsters
who had slavishly followed the devil-woman's ways from the start.  His
many crimes against humanity, starting from the day he helped the
devil-woman steal the liquid gold from under the sands of Arabia, were
just too many to count.  No matter what, Ibrahim vowed, this one would
DIE.  All he had to do now was locate Megane's co-conspirators, then he
would send them all to Allah.

#Yeah, and this is the part where he decides to hijack a plane and fly it
into the school, thus removing these foolishly misguided, yet inherently
evil beings from the face of the earth.

	"The garbageman," Momoe augments.

	"Oh...?" the tomboy is nonplussed, then she catches herself.
"Him!  Shit, don't worry, Momoe-san!  He's some guy from Qat-..."

	A thunderous *crack!* from the direction of the school nearly
shatters their ears as the windows explode.  Scant milliseconds later, the
whole northwest side seems to bulge at its foundations before jets of
flame rip through the woodwork.  The shockwave of the blast comes next,
sending planks and other debris flying through the air.  The sakura trees
take the brunt of the shrapnel, though the shockwave rips past the trunks
to knock everyone standing by Lum's statue onto their faces.  Ryuunosuke's
martial arts experience kicks in right away as she flings herself over
Shinobu, protecting her friend as she covers her head from sharp glass
fragments which could easily end either of their lives.

#Arab terrorist in Japan?  This seems to be totally unnecessary, and in
very bad taste.

	The explosion's titanic roar starts to fade, it replaced by the
ominous cracking sounds of thick wooden beams breaking.  Ryuunosuke
quickly looks behind her, her eyes widening on seeing the sea of flame
where the first floor on the northwest side had been.  The upper floors
buckle as stanchions shatter.  The tomboy cries out, averting her eyes as
the

#Try referring to her as something other than "The tomboy."

	More dust and dirt fly into the air as Ryuunosuke finally rolls
off Shinobu, allowing the latter to get up and see what happened.
Coughing, Ataru's former girlfriend stares at the destroyed northwest
wing, then she gasps as tongues of hot flame leap out from the wreckage to
begin rendering the rest into ashes.  "Jesu Cristo, what was THAT?!!" she
screams.

#You probably mean, "Jesus Christ"

	Nerima, the Tendou dojo...

	"What was THAT?!"

	Nabiki looks up as the distant *crack!* echoes through her bedroom
window.  Rising, she looks outside.  Her bedroom gave her a good view of
much of the surrounding territory.  Immediately, her eyes lock on a plume
of smoke in the far distance, to the west-south-west.  Her mind quickly
draws up a map of the local area as she tries to ascertain where that was.

#It'd have to be a very large bomb to get a report an entire district
away, *and* to hear it indoors.

	"Stand clear!!!" Ataru swings himself to the left.

	The whirlpool moves with him, getting clear of the school into the
front yard.  Ataru then cups his hands together, another chi ball forming.
This one has a different purpose.  "***SEISHIN SHURIKEN ARASHI!!!!***"

	Bolts of energy, like photon torpedoes from the "Enterprise,"
punch through the whirlpool.  It instantly collapses, the accumulated dust
dropping into a heap on the grass.  "Yes!!" Ataru ceases the attack, then
waves Ranma to the school.  "C'mon!!!"

	"Un!!" Ranma nods.

	The two dive into the disaster area...

#Ranma just seems to be along for the ride at this point.

	Shinobu breaks from the crowd.  Ryuunosuke is quick to follow,
accompanied by Momoe, Kumiko and two of the Kuromegane who had helped
Mendou get clear.  By then, sirens herald the first arrivals of Tomobiki's
bravest, not to mention teams from the Mendou estate.

	Also to arrive is a camera crew from NHK...

*    *    *

To be continued...

#Well, that was an interesting story, but totally not what I was
expecting.  I didn't hate it--I wouldn't have spent the last four hours
giving you comments and criticism if I did, but it certainly has many
points that I disagree with.

First of all, this entire story seemed to have little to do with any of
the anime series it's supposed to be based on.  All of the characters
featured here seemed to have been stripped of their basic personalities
and replaced with entirely different people still bearing the same names.
This could possibly have been convincingly worked in if there had been any
sort of background plot given, but everything seems to be happening in
some alternate universe timeline where we just have to accept things as
"the way they're supposed to be."

Second, some of the events that were portrayed here are just not
believable as they're currently written.  Too many coincidental happenings
and way too much deus ex machina took place, allowing the plot to continue
and advance, when realistically things would just not happen that way.  In
my opinion, even with the current plot, if the story were more character
driven instead of everyone just being along for the ride, it could be a
much better read than it is as it stands.

Third, while your writing ability is above par, there are many points that
have redundant phrasing, awkward wording, or stilted dialogue.  I also
noticed several times throughout the chapter that you would change tense
mid scene, sometimes even mid paragraph.  I don't know if you proofread
your own work before you send it out, but those would definitely be things
to be mindful of.  As the post's subject header says it's a first draft,
hopefully those certain parts in question will be revised and rewritten.

I do have to question exactly what you've got planned for this story.  In
100K, you've sucessfully eliminated, killed, or otherwise removed just
about all points of conflict from at least two of the series that you're
trying to crossover here.  I wasn't ever able to identify where Sister
Princess comes in, so I still have no clue what that show is about.  In
any case, a lot of things seem to be happening right now, but nothing
seems to be getting done.

It seems to me, insofar of what I have read, that Negako is an allpowerful
super being that is completely ruthless in getting what she wants, Ataru
has completely changed from the original character he was based off of,
and Ranma is just a mere shadow of his former self following along with
what Negako and Ataru do.  None of these characters particularly appeal to
me as they are, not without the quirks that made them interesting in the
first place.  This, not even getting into the secondary characters, like
Tampopo.

The potential is there to make this something great, but I don't really
see that happening without some sort of major rewrite.  I'm playing
devil's advocate here, so don't quit just because of what I say, not that
I think you would anyway.  If I didn't like it, I wouldn't have bothered
with it at all.

That's my two cents.  Do whatever with it as you please.

Keep at it, and happy writing.

-td


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