Hiya,

Finally had time to do this one. This series is always so good that I
probably won't find anything other than little nitpicks, but here goes
anyway.... :)

Thanks for the kind words, and my appologies for being so slow in replying to your feedback.  I always reply to C&C... it just takes me awhile, sometimes.

I don't actually have much to say in direct response to your suggestions--other than thanks, of course!--but just a couple of points....

I assume "the martial artist" is Ranma? It's not as if he's the only one
present.... ^_^

NABIKI: Hey! Martial artist!

SOUN, AKANE, RANMA, GENMA, TATEWAKI, RYOGA, KODACHI, SHAMPOO, COLOGNE,
MOUSSE, AND UKYO: Yes?

<grin>  Umm, good point.  pigtailed martial artist should help narrow it down, then....

>    "I think we're safe for the moment," Genma said, standing tensely, and
>Nabiki couldn't tell whether he was relieved to be away from the battle or
>wanted to rush back into the fray.  He looked more frightening, somehow,
>than the cowardly, stupid fat man she had grown to despise over the last two

Since when has Nabsy despised Genma? Something like 'man she'd made fun
of' would be more appropriate, IMO.

You think?  There doesn't seem to be much interaction between them in the manga, but I never really imagined that she liked the guy.  (To be truly fair to the manga, though, it's unlikely Nabiki really dislikes anybody.)  Maybe I'll flesh it out a bit more it coming material.

>...and then with a flash of
>sudden insight recognition hit the mercenary Tendo: if one of these things
>could be a banker, then why not an up-and-coming pop idol?
>    "Hey, aren't you Ayumi Utada?" she asked conversationally.

Are we supposed to know who this is? If an idol singer, you may want to
mention this during the intro. Not all of us live in Japan. :)

<grin>  Oops, sorry.  Actually, only one person responded who picked up on it.  Ayumi Hamasaki and Utada Hikaru are probably the two biggest female musicians in Japan right now; I just combined them into an 'original' character.  'Ravashi-6' was a V-6/Arashi (two pretty-boy J-Pop groups--think Backstreet Boys with <shudder> even less talent) mix, and the song name was a mix of three popular tracks.

Umm... so, no, you shouldn't know who she is. ;)  But I'll be fleshing her out in coming chapters, now that she's been taken prisoner by the Tendos.

>    Ranma grunted, pain erupting in his side as an attack slipped
>through.  "I know how much she means to me," he answered.  I won't lose, he
>told himself, I'll wear him down, he can't keep this up for long. . . .

It may well be true, but it seems odd for Ranma to blurt this out at a
time like this. Since when is he this honest with his feelings, even to
himself?

Hmm... I'll think about it.  I like the way it sounds, but I admit it may be a little easy....

>    Kasumi stood shivering and alone.  The moon hung heavy and bright in the
>sky overhead.  She listened but heard nothing.  Below and to her right she
>watched Ukyou swing her spatula at her massive foe.  The blade sank deep
>into the creature but it twisted and she lost her grip, and then one massive
>hand bashed her and sent her flying into a tree.  Ranma's other friend,

A ha! A clear case of Ukyo bashing! :)

What would Zen think? ^_-  Actually, I feel pretty bad about Ukyou in this chapter.  She's grossly underused and doesn't get to do much--other than get beat up.

>    "Tatewaki Kuno fights on!"  With these words the mighty kendoist shot to
>his feet, wooden blade held at the ready, hawk-like eyes darting about in
>search of his enemy.  "Wither is that evilly arachnid, yet strangely
>compelling, woman?"
>    "About time you woke up," muttered a voice at his side.  He glanced back
>and saw his charge, the mercenary Nabiki Tendo, standing next to a door.

KUNO: No, not you. I meant the *other* evilly....

NABBY: Oh, aren't we amusing. Given up on seeing more pictures of the
pig-tailed girl, Kuno-chan?

<grin>  I should compile a list of funny quotes... they'd probably be mostly yours, though....

>Judging by pictures she had shown him previously, he stood in her very
>bedroom.  Sounds of ongoing combat slowly filtered in through the ringing in

She's shown him pictures of her own bedroom? Why?

Well, I figure he'd never been there before, and maybe while leafing through pictures at Uni or something, he might've glimpsed what her room looked like.  <blink>  Right, probably a bit tenuous....

>    "My name is Ranma Saotome," he said.  "You killed my father.  Prepare to
>die."

Urk. Do you *really* want an in-joke movie reference here? This scene
was wonderfully engaging until I hit this roadblock.

Heh.  I've had mixed feedback on it.  Vince suggested I try and slip a 'I don't think that words means what you think it means' in there, but sadly, I never had the opportunity... <grin>  I'm not sure if I'm happy with the line or not... the chapter still needs some major revising, so we'll see if it makes the final cut.

>    Geimon Tetsusen Shi, he told himself.
Meaning what?

I agree that Japanese words have very little place within a piece of fanfiction--the one place I indulge myself is in the Special Attack Names.  They just sound more appropriate in their original language, I find.  I usually try and slip in a translation immediately after, but when unable, I provide an explanation at the end.  Not a prefect solution, I admit....

I'd be hard-pressed to imagine this kind of chapter without detailing
the fights... the plot completely hinges on who wins, so you really have
to let it play out, unless one side has a way of taking down the other
quickly. In this case, it didn't seem to drag, though there probably are
places you could cut.

Many thanks.  In the rewrite, I'll be sifting through and finding what I can slice out.  I think Ryouga and Mousse's scene will probably get whittled down... I'm not sure.  I won't be tackling too many fights of this size in the future, I think.

I do think it was good that you gave each of the
important regulars the spotlight for some of the time, and you managed
to keep to the spirit of the original characterizations while telling a
much more serious story.

Again, thanks.  Characterization is tough.  I think it's why Ukyou gets the short end of the stick--not yet quite sure how to handle her; an occasionally exclaimed 'Jackass' does not characterization make.

In case you can't tell, I liked it. (This and Awakening of Demons out
within a few weeks of each other. Whee! Wonder if this means Grayson
will have a new chapter by the end of the month.... ^_^)

I wish!  A bit of Relentless and some more AMAW, and it'd be a happy day.

That's what they all say. :) (And believe me, I have firsthand
experience with this. ^_^)

Yes, yes you do... <grin>  But I actually _am_ making progress this time.  I figure the next chapter is approaching the half-way mark, and seems to be going forward a lot quicker.  I'm hoping to have it done in a few weeks.

Again, and as always, many thanks for the excellent C&C, Gary.  Great stuff.

-Mike Noakes

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