Following this note is a re-write of Comes the Cold Dragon Part II, brought
to you courtesy of www.sofaspud.org.
==============================================================
Most of the characters in this piece and the setting
for it, were conceived of by Rumiko Takahashi for her
Ranma1/2 series of Manga. All such characters and the setting
are the property of Takahashi-san and her licensees. All
other characters in the piece are purely fictional and any
resemblance to actual persons living or dead, are purely
coincidental.
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Comes the Cold Dragon: Part II Rewrite 1
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The first weak rays of dawn on Tuesday morning lit a forlorn
looking Genma Saotome sitting upon the tall rock on the north
end of Soun Tendo's koi pond. He had gotten up because it had
become an irresistible habit. The trouble was, his son was
not around for him to spar with. Ranma had been gone before,
of course, but this was different. Something had changed.
Something Genma Saotome was having a hard time getting a grip
on. His hopes of understanding were obliterated by the
shrieking attack of someone twice Ranma's size and age. It
was Soun Tendo. Genma countered effectively, but lost his
balance, fell from his perch and onto the wet grass of
Tendo's lawn.
"Caught you napping, eh Saotome?"
"More like preoccupied, Tendo," Genma replied with a
grin, then went after his old friend as though the two of
them were still in their twenties. Both men laughed. Neither
was a pushover and both knew the other quite well. The
surprises were over--well, not quite over. After twenty
minutes or so, Kasumi called them to breakfast. The two men
were so engrossed in their drill that Kasumi's call caused
them to miss their timing and fall as a single great mass
into the pond.
"Damn, that's cold!" Soun groused.
"Rrrr!" Genma agreed.
After breakfast they engaged in something a bit more
sensible for two men their age, shogi. For a long time,
nothing but the clacking of tiles could be heard from either
man until Genma finally broke their relative silence.
"We have a problem, Tendo-kun."
"Think so, Saotome?"
"Mmm, Kasumi is right about Ranma, you know. It's time
for him to begin teaching, rather than just sparring."
"I agree. It is time." Soun said, allowing his friend
to carry the conversation forward, even though he knew full
well what the problem was and that it was indeed a serious
problem.
"That means we must ask the Master to license the boy
to teach."
Soun sighed in exasperation. He knew this day would
come, and had been dreading it. Happosai would without doubt
make things as difficult as possible, if for no other reason
than simple perversity.
"You know, Genma-kun, he is going to make our lives
hell over this."
"It'll be worth it, Tendo."
"Oh, I quite agree. When do we broach the subject with
the Master?"
"I was thinking perhaps this afternoon before he goes
off on his usual rounds."
"All right. Don't you think we ought to be getting
ready?"
"Getting ready for what? I know the Master will do
something, but I'm damned if I can figure out what it might
be."
"Me either. He is so unpredictable, the Master is."
"That's part of his genius, Tendo-kun."
"My guess is that he will place most of the burden on
the boy, Genma-kun."
"No doubt, but he'll want something from us as well."
An uncomfortable silence ensued wherein the shogi
match was temporarily forgotten and both men lapsed into a
reverie of difficult times gone by.
"Oh, good grief, Saotome!" Soun Tendo, said after
several minutes had passed. The two men stared across the
shogi board at one another in wide-eyed horror.
"He's going to try to top the test he gave us!" They
chorused.
"Ranma is twice the artist we were at that age,
Saotome!"
"I know, Tendo!"
"And he's never done anything but antagonize the
Master."
"I know, Tendo!"
"And both of them are probably going to take quite a
bit of it out on us!"
"I know, Tendo!"
"It's fate, Saotome!"
"I know, Tendo."
"One doesn't cry about," Tendo paused to sniffle,
"fate, Saotome."
"I know, Tendo."
"One--"
Soun again paused to sniffle.
"I know, Tendo!"
"Deals with it--boo-hoo-wah-ha-ha-ha!" They said in
chorus.
For once, Genma Saotome joined his oldest and best
friend in a good cry. It did relieve a little of their
tension, but neither of them felt that much better after it
was over. Fate still hung heavily in the air above their
heads. No one could rightfully teach a particular school of
the martial arts without being licensed by that school's
founding master. Each master had his own way of determining a
disciple's worthiness as a teacher. Obtaining a license to
teach almost always entailed an exercise in high risk, during
a prolonged struggle, followed by a day-long critique of
one's technique by the founding master. The intensity of
these ordeals tended to vary with the founding master's
imagination. Happosai, had more imagination than most
founding masters and had a penchant for killing more than one
bird with a single Soun--er--stone.
Kasumi listened to her father and Ojisan from the
kitchen with her usual quiet poise. Tea seemed to be in
immediate order, so she put a kettle of water on the stove
and turned the heat up high. She got lucky. The water had
begun to boil just as the tears in the engawa began dying
down to the level of sniffles and loud nose blowing. She
carried in a tray and served the two men tea, then hurried up
to her room. She dug a cell phone with a red case out of the
top drawer of her dresser and quickly dialed the emergency
number Nabiki had given her a few months previously. It was
answered almost immediately.
"What's the matter, Kasumi?" Nabiki asked in a tense
voice.
"Father and Mr. Saotome are going to ask Grandfather
Happosai to license Ranma to teach this afternoon."
"Oh, no!" Nabiki said. "How are we on first aid
supplies?"
"Oh we have all the small things we need, but we could
use one or two more large leg splints...and...Oh! I think we
had better get some hardware cloth and plaster of Paris in
case Uncle Saotome gets hurt in his panda form."
"Okay. I'll see to it the stuff gets delivered by
nightfall. We are going to have to be careful with the money,
Kasumi. Only the kami know how much bail this is going to
cost."
"We may not need it all right away, Nabiki," Kasumi
said brightly, "The Master will probably wait until Ranma is
out of the clinic."
"I hope you're right, Big Sister," Nabiki said,
sounding somewhat relieved, "but I think it would probably be
a good idea to stock up on first aid supplies today."
"Oh, I agree with you there," Kasumi said, "It never
hurts for _us_ to be prepared."
"Okay, Sis," Nabiki said, "I gotta go. I have to come
up with a way to make some money fast over the next two
weeks. There is no way we are going to get through this
without having to bail somebody out of jail."
"Do you really think it will be that bad, Nabiki?"
"Come on, Kasumi! You know Happosai as well as I do.
What sort of test do you think he'll throw at Ranma?"
"Oh, my!"
"See?"
"It is going to be bad, isn't it?"
"Love ya, Sis. Gotta go, bye!" Kasumi heard the phone
click as Nabiki broke the connection. She placed the cellular
phone back in its hiding place and got busy making
preparations, humming as she went.
"Oh, dear! I forgot to tell Nabiki about the fire
extinguishers! I think two of them are out of date. I had
better check them."
----------
Ranma Saotome woke much earlier than expected. Much to
his relief, his vision was quite a bit clearer and he found
that if he moved quite slowly, he could move his head without
becoming nauseated. It still made his head hurt, but at least
he could now look at something besides the ceiling. The first
thing he wanted to look at was Akane. He had to make sure she
was all right. Much to his relief, she was still in the room
on her cot and snoring. He found the snoring to be especially
reassuring. He could not get close enough to her to tell if
she was okay without it. Thus reassured, he began to consider
what his next move should be.
"Food!" The echoing, female voice in his head told
him. "Right now! Our entire body is one, great big, _empty_
stomach."
"Boy! You got that right!" Ranma whispered to his
inner voice.
"I beg your pardon? You are the guy in this operation,
remember?" The echoing, female voice in his head asked.
"Hey! You're really a guy too, you know."
"You'd like to think so, wouldn't you, fem-boy?"
"Aw geez! Why are you buggin' me this early in the
morning?"
"For the same reason Socrates goaded the Athenians,
Saotome!" The voice said, sounding smug. "You need it."
"Didn't they make that guy drink poison?"
"Actually, he drank it just to spite 'em. The
Athenians expected him to just leave town."
"And I guess you are going to be just as bad?"
"Worse! I ain't stupid enough to drink poison on
purpose, even if it would piss you off, and I can't leave."
"So how come I never heard from you before yesterday?"
"Hey! You been so busy screwing up, I haven't been
able to get your attention."
"Screwin' up? Whadda-ya mean screwing up?"
"You screw up because you just drift, Saotome. You
aren't headed anywhere."
Ranma paused to think about this for a minute. It was
true. He had allowed everyone else set the rules and
conditions of his existence. He could not think of a retort,
so said nothing back to the voice.
"Ooh, hit a nerve, didn't I?" The voice taunted.
"Yeah, you did."
"So what are you going to do while you're stuck in
here?"
"Not much to do but be bored, I guess."
"Stupid!"
"Huh?"
"You've got schoolwork you could be takin' care of."
"Like I said, nothin' to do but be bored."
"Yeah? Well why dontcha let me take care of it for
you?"
"Hey, wait a minute! Aren't we really the same
person?"
"Yeah, but I'm curious and you ain't. I'll study and
you nap. You're real good at napping."
"Oh, hah-hah!"
"Well, you are! What are we going to do about Akane?"
"We are going to marry her. Didn't we settle that
already."
"No, stupid! About her and The Art. Isn't she about
ready for some serious training?"
"Yeah, but I don't want to hand her off to the old
man. His idea of training girls is to run them out of the
school as quickly as possible. That won't do her any good.
Her dad won't teach her anymore 'cause he can't figure out
how to handle her."
"So we'll teach her then."
"Can't."
"Huh? Why not?"
"We haven't been licensed to teach the Anything Goes
School, that's why. The only one that can license us is
Happosai."
"Aw, geez! I had forgotten about that. Wait, I know!
Pretend to be sparring with her!"
"Come on! You know that won't work. There are about a
dozen kata she needs to learn and her breathing is atrocious.
Hell, if I were to just get her to straighten out her
breathing, she could probably beat Ryoga in a fair fight."
"She needs to learn how to stay relaxed, too. She gets
so uptight it's pitiful."
"Yeah, she does. She's always tryin' too hard."
"So? Tell Happosai you're ready to teach and you want
your license."
"I can't tell him that! Pops has to be the one to
Recommend me. You know the rules."
"Hmm, we've got a problem there too, don't we?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, I know! Get her dad to talk to Happosai."
"Hmm, that might work. I'll do it! She's gotta learn
some real serious stuff, fast. I can't be around her every
minute of every day. That'd drive all three of us nuts."
Akane sneezed in her sleep.
"You could try letting me be around her once in a
while."
"Nah! You're into all that mushy stuff."
"So? Girls like mushy stuff."
"Yeah, I know."
Ranma took a deep breath and held it as he considered
his alter-ego's proposition.
"Okay, we'll try it. But don't let things get out of
hand and don't do nothin' stupid, okay?"
"Don't worry, Saotome. I won't let things get out of
hand. I know more about the consequences of that than most
guys do, right?"
"Yeah, I guess I can trust you. You just remember who
and what she is, okay?"
"Hey, no problem! What is it about her anyway? I mean
she can't cook. She's got a temper that won't quit and..."
"She's beautiful and she's got a spirit that won't
quit. I worry about her all the time. I'm always afraid
she'll bite off more than she can chew."
"Hey, Saotome. Have you ever noticed that she never
hits girls, besides us I mean?"
"Oh, sure she hits girls! She spars with 'em."
"NO! I mean, do you remember Akane ever just hauling
off and socking some bitch in crying need of a good
walloping?"
Ranma blinked as he stared at his sleeping fiance. She
sneezed again, then wriggled.
"She's really cute when she does that, you know?"
Ranma's alter-ego said.
Akane sneezed again.
"Careful!" Ranma said to his inner voice, "We're gonna
wake her up."
"Well do you?"
"I don't know. I can't remember her ever just hitting
a girl, or fighting one outside of a prearranged match. When
she's mad, she almost always takes it out on us."
"I'll bet it's her training."
"Surely not."
"Think about it, Saotome. You are Soun Tendo trying to
raise three little girls. You don't want 'em goin' around
bruised and marked up all the time, so what do you teach
'em?"
"Oh, man!"
"It's gettin' hot in here!"
"You got that right. We're startin' to soak the sheets
with sweat."
Akane stretched, then opened her eyes.
"Ranma?" She asked as she sat up on the edge of the
cot.
"I'm still here, Akane."
"Are you all right? Why is it so hot in here?"
"Other than being hot and starving, I'm fine."
Akane gave him her cutest smile, the one that always
weakened him at the knees, as she walked over to his bed.
"Good grief, Ranma! You are giving off heat like a
stove with the broiler on."
"Akane, I gotta have somethin' to eat." Ranma was
beginning to shake uncontrollably.
"Let me see if there is something cold to drink in
Tofu's refrigerator."
"Don't leave the building!" Ranma called to her
departing back.
"I won't."
"And check the air conditioner while you are in
there!"
Akane stuck her had back through the doorway.
"Ranma, don't yell like that! This is a clinic."
"What does it matter? We're the only ones here!"
"It's a clinic. Don't get into the habit of yelling!"
Akane shouted.
"I won't if you won't!" Ranma shouted back, then
convulsed as his stomach began growling like a refuse grinder
swallowing a large rock.
"I'll be right back, Ranma. Don't go away."
Ranma gave her a hard stare with crossed eyes.
Akane was still staring into the open refrigerator
when Dr. Ono came in bearing a flat of tofu.
"Good morning, Akane," Tofu said as he put the flat
down on the lab bench. "Are you hungry yet?"
"A little, but Ranma is starving and he's running
really high temperature."
"Did you take it?"
"Huh? No, there wasn't any need, Dr. Tofu. You can
feel the heat coming off of him from across the room."
"Oh, dear!" Tofu exclaimed. "That's why it is so hot
in here. I thought I had left the heater on. Grab that large
bottle of papaya juice and bring it down to his room. We
need to get some food into him." Tofu picked up the heavy
flat laden with bean curd and hurried down the hall, Akane
close on his heels.
"I thought you were supposed to starve a fever," Akane
said.
"That's just an old wives' tale and Ranma doesn't have
a fever."
By the time they re-entered Ranma's room, he had
gotten control of his convulsions.
"Good morning, Ranma!" Tofu said, forcing some
cheerfulness into his voice.
"Good mor...Food!"
"Take it as slow as you can, Ranma," Tofu cautioned.
"Mrrmkay!" Ranma noised as he nodded his head and
stuffed another block of bean curd into his mouth.
"Would you like something to drink, Ranma?" Akane
asked.
"Mrrminaminnit," Ranma said around what must have been
a quarter pound of tofu.
"Better slow down and have a little juice, Ranma. You
are going to upset your stomach eating that fast," Tofu said.
"Mrrm--Saotome-mmmrrrm-School--mmrmr-mrrrm!"
"Oh, I see," Tofu said with a grin. "Are you sure?"
"Gyah!" Ranma cried out as he ripped the cap from the
half-liter jug of papaya juice. He took a deep pull on it,
reducing its contents by half, then he again began stuffing
been curd into his mouth using a variant of the Chestnut Fist
attack.
"He's beginning to cool off a little," Akane said.
"Yes, it's the food that's doing it," Tofu said.
"Don't you mean the papaya juice?" Akane asked. Ranma
paid them no mind.
"No, what we are witness to here is the law of
conservation of energy."
"Well food is fuel, shouldn't he warm up after eating?
I always do."
"Ordinarily anyone would, Akane, but Ranma has been
using his ki to soak up heat out of the air, off and on for
the last couple of days. Without a lot of protein, he could
no longer contain it."
"I don't understand."
"Let's see, how to explain? How long were the two of
you in China?"
"Oh, I was there several weeks. Ranma even longer."
"Strenuous, wasn't it?"
"I'll say!"
"How well were you able to eat over there?"
"Not very well at all. We were a little short on
money."
"So several weeks of heavy exercise with little to eat
and a great deal of emotional stress thrown in for good
measure, right?"
Akane nodded her head.
"Then you come home and have that rather bad weekend,
right?"
Akane rolled her eyes towards the heavens, then gave
Tofu a befuddled stare.
"So Ranma's body needed to rebuild after enduring all
that stress. Yours probably does as well. Over the last two
days, Ranma has been soaking up heat with his ki, then using
at least part of that energy to heal and rebuild, but now his
body has run short of protein with which to rebuild. You can
only store energy with your ki for just so long. It is a use
it or lose it situation. Without food, he had to release the
heat. The problem is, storing heat with ki can be dangerous
because you have to use up ki to hold it and you must use up
ki to dissipate the heat once it is stored that way."
"Oh! I see! Energy is always conserved. He wasn't
making the heat disappear, he was just moving it to another
place."
"More or less."
"But can't you use energy to make more ki?"
"No ... well, not directly and not very quickly. Ki is
not really a form of energy. No one is really sure of what it
is or how it works exactly, but what we do know is that it is
not conserved. It is the product of biological processes.
Only living things generate ki. It can be destroyed, and it
sometimes dissipates without ever affecting its surroundings,
unlike energy which always affects the medium into which it
is propagated."
"Watching him eat is making me hungry," Akane said
with a sigh.
"Have some tofu," Tofu said with a grin, "Doctor's
orders."
"Just tofu?"
"Sure! It's good for you."
"Yeah, but it's a lot better whe...boo ghaff zumbden
do go wiffit," Akane suddenly found herself trying to talk
around a piece of tofu that had unexpectedly materialized in
her mouth. "Erm-m-m...Rrnba!"
"Mrrm--Dahgdor's urrders!" Ranma said around yet
another mouthful of the high-protein staple. He smiled at
Akane with his eyes, then took another pull on the bottle of
papaya juice. Akane swallowed.
"How about a little warning before you...do rmm wahg
at rrrmgin, gaka!"
Tofu stared at Akane in fascination. He knew that
Ranma must have tucked another piece of bean curd into her
mouth unexpectedly, but it had happened so quickly he did not
see it. Ranma did not appear to be able to feed himself that
fast.
"How does he do that?" Tofu asked Akane, whose ears
were now starting to turn pink.
"He got into this weird, martial arts eating match
several months ago and he likes to...rrrmbracdise..ond--be!
Gah hadrrnt fibbished wiff duh rrst one, goo baka!"
"Rrrm, do skinny!" Ranma said while exhibiting his
unique style of mastication.
"Skinny!" Akane shouted. "Skinny? Since when have I
ecom do schginney ver oo, gurk?"
"China."
Akane would have said something else but her mouth was
suddenly too full to make any sound at all without spewing
half-chewed bean curd all over the room. Tofu laughed and
slapped his knee.
"I'll go get you kids some more juice," he told them
as he turned to leave the room. "Try nod do joke efore Ahd
gaid ack. Ay! Eez butty good dofuu."
Ranma and Akane can be a lot fun to be around,
provided you know how to take them.
----------
Nabiki Tendo was doing something she had not done in a
long time. She was worrying. This licensing thing would
without a shred of doubt end up costing tons of money and the
party would probably start within two weeks. That meant she
did not have time to sit back and let a scheme unfold at its
natural pace. She hated that. Pushing a scheme along at an
unnaturally quick pace was almost always a good way to incur
a loss rather than make a profit. The right amount of
patience was a necessary ingredient in any money making
scheme. Kasumi had called her at nine that morning and her
mind had been gnawing away at the problem almost constantly
until lunch time rolled around. She was just sitting down
under her favorite tree when Xian Pu came rolling onto the
campus, the brakes of her old Schwinn screeching in protest
at the way they were being overused. Xian Pu did not have a
choice in the matter. She was being mobbed by a hungry
throng. Nabiki glanced at her watch.
"Well, looks like Xian Pu is right on time!" one of
her assistants said cheerfully as she sat down next to
Nabiki. "Maybe we should throw a few more orders at the
Nekohanten, just to make sure she stays good and tired."
Nabiki loved sudden inspirations, especially when they
were hers. There was the solution to her acute money problem,
standing right in front of her. Most of the pieces were
already in place. The rest would be easy. A betting pool on
Xian Pu would fill the ticket nicely. Nabiki grinned. She
would be killing many birds with a single stone. A betting
pool would encourage people to order takeout from the
Nekohanten without it being necessary for Nabiki to exert
any influence or call in any favors. Better yet, her cohorts
would lend truly enthusiastic support with the smell of money
in the wind. A huge smile lit her face. It was going to be a
wonderful week.
"A man is never so harmlessly occupied as when he is
busy making money," Nabiki said to her cohort.
"Ooh, I like that," Nabiki's minion said between
bites, "It's profound."
"Applies to women, too," Nabiki said, grinning like a
cat that had just figured out how to catch a canary. She had
to remind herself not to hum while eating.
----------
Nodoka and Kasumi had gone all out for their indoor
picnic with Ranma and Akane. The Tendo kitchen had been
almost as busy this morning as that of the Nekohanten's. They
had prepared grilled unagi on rice, raw fatty tuna and rice
wrapped in nori, baked ham in pineapple sauce, and baked
Cornish game hens stuffed with six-count shrimp. Tofu had
told them about Ranma and Akane's need for protein. Kasumi
had also concocted a tossed salad made with fresh spinach,
endive, bean sprouts, sliced tomatoes and purple onions,
crowned with a liberal sprinkling of tofu pieces. Nadoka had
even built a small fire in one corner of the yard and cooked
Ranma's favorite vegetable, roasted maize. Even after all of
it was boxed up into bento for carrying, it made an
impressive spread.
"We will probably still be eating this until late next
week, Auntie Nodoka," Kasumi said.
"Especially since that worthless husband of mine is
too cowardly to visit his sick son!" Nodoka said.
"There, there," Kasumi said, "I am sure Uncle Saotome
has good reason for allowing Ranma to rest. After all, he
works out with Ranma all the time. He might well be part of
the stress problem Dr. Tofu was telling us about."
"I'm sure you and the good doctor are correct, Kasumi.
Genma is doubtless a major source of trouble for our son, but
still! You'd think he could at least go visit him."
"Are we ready?" Kasumi asked with a smile, thinking it
wise to change the subject.
"I believe so, yes," Nodoka said.
"Father, could you lend us a hand, please?"
"Yes, of course Kasumi dear," Soun said as began to
gather up the heavier items.
The three of them set out for the clinic looking for
all the world like a cross between an impromptu circus act,
or possibly a three-way juggling routine inspired by Jerry
Lewis. The whole thing was made a bit more exciting owing to
Nodoka's ever present katana.
"This would be ever so much simpler if we had a pull
cart," Nodoka said in a somewhat flustered voice. "Why don't
we go back and get it?"
Soun looked rather embarrassed.
"Ah, well you see the Master sort of lost it a while
back and I never replaced it because..."
"Never mind, Tendo-san," Nodoka said, "I'll set Genma
to work building you one as soon we get back."
Kasumi looked at Nodoka in surprise. "Can Uncle
Saotome do that sort of thing Auntie?"
"Kasumi dear, the man can do truly wonderful things
with his hands, once you ever get him started," Nodoka said
with a smile. "Surely you don't think I married him just for
his looks?"
Kasumi blushed, then giggled. Nodoka watched her slyly
out of the corner of one eye.
"Of course, I think you are considerably more
fortunate than I am," Nodoka said, being careful to keep her
voice even, "Tofu is much better looking than Genma and
almost certainly has magic hands."
Kasumi turned scarlet, even as she smiled.
"How did you get Uncle Saotome started, Auntie
Nodoka?"
"Well, it wasn't easy, I'll tell you! But I'll let you
in on a little secret, it was well worth the effort."
"Any pointers, Auntie?"
"Perhaps later, dear," Nodoka said with a sly smile,
"I think we are distressing your father."
A glance at Soun confirmed that he did indeed look as
though he might start blubbering. The two women caught one
another's eye, then shared a happy giggle.
----------
Tofu watched Ranma and Akane consume the bean curd
from a safe distance, being amused and amazed by turns. The
flat of tofu he had brought in that morning was stripped down
to the crumbs by eight. He wanted very badly to get in an
entire day observing this peculiar couple, but his more
normal patients began arriving at eight-thirty. He left them
to their own devices after cautioning them to remain as quiet
as possible.
Akane was not nearly so amazed by the total
annihilation of the tofu as her favorite doctor was. She had,
after all, seen Ranma seriously hungry before. What amazed
her was that she seemed to have helped him out by eating at
least a quarter of it herself, and now, even though she was
so full she worried that something vital might well split
open, she still felt hungry. The next truly amazing thing was
what Ranma did. Rather than falling asleep the way she
expected him to, he asked her to fetch his history book.
Then, after she gave it to him, he actually began to read it.
She watched him for a while, doubting that he was actually
going to read the thing, but he never looked up after he got
started so she got out her algebra book and began working
problems. She quickly became so engrossed with the beautiful
labyrinths of matrix algebra that she was totally lost to the
real world for a little while. Mathematics was fast becoming
one of Akane's secret obsessions and talents. Obsession or
not, her concentration was shattered four hours later by the
mouth watering aromas that accompanied Nodoka and Kasumi's
arrival at Tofu's clinic.
"Mom!" Ranma cried out, then followed that cry up with
one of, "Food! Awright!"
Akane could not have agreed more. The food was most
welcome. Tofu even managed to overcome his "allergy" to
Kasumi and came in to check out the goodies. Akane was happy
to see Tofu managing to keep his act together, but then was
disappointed as he got dragged into a conversation with her
father instead of talking with Kasumi. Perhaps it was just as
well, she thought. He and her father needed to get to know
one another anyway and this was a good opportunity for that.
Kasumi and Nodoka eventually found places to put
everything, a major chore given that they had brought so
much, then hung back as though waiting for something in
particular to happen. It finally dawned on Akane that they
were expecting her to serve Ranma. Her father's presence in
the room caused her to hesitate, but Nodoka's presence and
obvious expectations overrode her concerns with his
reactions. She picked up a bento packed with unagi donburi
and a pair of chopsticks, then went over and sat down in the
chair next to Ranma's bed.
"Ahhh!" she said to him.
"Sure you don't mind doing this, Akane?" He whispered
with a grin.
"I just hope we don't find ourselves getting married
in the clinic over this tomorrow. You know how dad and Uncle
Saotome are."
"Don't worry about that," he whispered back. "It ain't
gonna happen."
By way of answer she stuffed a piece of grilled eel in
his mouth, then took a bite for herself. The delightful
flavor made her aware of just how painfully hungry she really
was.
"Ranma?"
"Hmm?"
"Think you can handle this on your own?"
"Sure!"
"Good! 'Cause I'm starving and I want to get a bento
of my own."
"Hey! No problem, Akane. Just stick close, okay? It'll
make mom happy."
In under two hours there was nothing left of the
massive feast but empty bento and a nearly empty two-gallon
thermos of chilled oolong tea. Ranma and Akane were both so
full that they were straining the buttons on their clothes.
Akane had eaten twice as much as she had intended, thanks to
Ranma.
"Boy, that was good!" Ranma said in a cheerful voice,
"How long till supper?"
This of course got a huge laugh out of everyone and
pleased Nodoka to no end. Anyone with an appetite that large
had to be healthy, right? In truth it would normally be a
sign of someone rapidly recovering from an illness, but Akane
knew better. Ranma might be recovering, but he obviously had
a ways to go and she found what was happening with him and
his ki alarming. She held her tongue and said nothing. What
purpose would talking about it serve, other than to alarm her
father and upset Ranma's mother? Besides, being cooped up in
the clinic for a week or so with her two favorite guys and no
unwanted company sounded like a good deal to her. Better to
not rock the boat if she could help it. The last thing she
wanted was her dad getting panicky and urging her to come
home, or worse, Nodoka taking up full time temporary
residence at the clinic. She wanted Ranma to herself for as
much and as long as possible. There were things they both
needed to know from one another and had never discussed
because some well-meaning fool or a rival was constantly
getting in their way.
Then suddenly, Akane found that she was alone in the
room with just Ranma and his mother. Even the empty bento and
dishes were gone. I wonder how she pulled that off? Akane
thought to herself. I'll have remember to ask Nodoka how she
managed it later.
"Ranma, my son?" Nodoka said softly.
"Yes, mother?" Ranma asked. Much to Akane's shock he
had used the proper honorific of "okaasan" rather than his
more usual "ofukuru."
Nodoka produced a yellowed bit of paper and placed it
on the bed next to Ranma's right hand, then removed the
covering from her family's katana. Ranma's eyes widened with
concern at this.
"Twelve years ago, you swore an oath to return to me
as a man and to become one of the world's greatest martial
artists."
Ranma gulped visibly, clearly unsure of what was on
his mother's mind. Akane had already figured it out, but she
had to admit that Nodoka was not easily read, not even by
another woman.
"Today I proclaim that you have returned to me as more
than a man among men, and no one anywhere that I know of
thinks that you are anything less than a great master of The
Art."
Tears were not something that could come easily to
Ranma Saotome, this Akane well knew and immediately
understood that the possibility of him shedding tears was why
Nodoka had seen to it that the two of them were the only ones
left in the room for this little ceremony. Ranma did not
actually cry, but his eyes got awfully shiny.
Nodoka held the sword before her still sheathed and
parallel to the floor as one would for a proper exchange of
arms between samurai.
"I therefore declare you to be the rightful guardian
of the Saotome Clan's honor and keeper of its sword," Nodoka
said. She raised the sword and bowed to it as was proper,
then extended it to Ranma.
Akane silently thanked the kami that Ranma managed to
remember the protocol for an occasion such as this. He was
wonderful in many ways, but manners and protocol were never
going to be his long suit. He gripped the sword in an
underhanded grasp on either side of Nodoka's hands, but did
not take it from her grasp. He instead bowed to his mother
and waited for her to release her hold upon it, as was
required in a formal exchange of arms. When Nodoka released
the weapon, Ranma then held it up and bowed to the sword
itself before bringing it close his chest and pulling it an
inch or so out of its scabbard so as to examine the markings
near the guard. He then re-seated the sword in its scabbard
and looked his mother in the eye.
"Mother, I must ask you to keep this sword for a while
longer."
Nodoka looked nonplussed. Akane gasped.
"You have waited patiently for twelve long years, my
mother, and it grieves me no end to ask you to be patient for
a little while longer, but I must," Ranma said as he extended
the sword in the proper two-handed grip.
"Why do you wish to wait, my son?" Nodoka asked,
visibly shaken.
"I do not wish to accept this sword until after I have
handed you your first grandchild," Ranma said, then glanced
over at Akane.
Akane felt a strange tickling in her stomach and
discovered that for some reason she was becoming very light-
headed. Ranma had just said the word grandchild, then looked
at her. She was thrilled, she was titillated and she was
furious with him for thinking about her like that, but she
was pleased that he thought about her like that. What she
really wanted to do was faint. She did not dare faint, not
now. Maybe she would faint later.
Nodoka's smile lit up the entire room and more.
Somewhere in Hokkaido the farmers were swearing they had been
witness to a visit by Amataresu.
"I understand, my son," Nodoka said as she placed her
hands on the sword, "and I accept your pledge." She bowed to
Ranma and he released the sword to his mother. She held it up
and bowed to it, then silently swaddled it in the silken bag
made for that purpose.
"With your permission, Saotome-san," Nodoka said with
a formal bow, "I ask to be excused. There is business in need
of my attention."
"Of course, Mother," Ranma said, nearly choking. "Will
you visit me tomorrow?"
"If it is your wish, Saotome-san," Nodoka said.
Akane held her breath. Ranma was clearly baffled by
his mother's behavior, but Akane understood it down to her
very bones. She had always known that Nodoka was an old-
fashioned woman, but right now she was behaving the way her
grandmother always behaved towards her father. Ranma had
never been around anyone who acted that way. Thankfully, he
managed to maintain a semblance of decorum.
"I do wish it, my mother. I wish we had seen much more
of one another before now."
"It is a great honor, to have such a manly son,"
Nodoka replied, as she rose and bowed. Then, without another
word, she turned and strode out the door without looking
back. Ranma was near to crying now.
"Akane, what just happened? Did I just lose my
mother?"
"No, silly!" Akane said, blinking back a few tears of
her own, "She's so proud of you she can barely talk. She left
so she wouldn't embarrass you in front of me."
"Oh," Ranma said with a puzzled frown, "I wish she
hadn't left. I wouldn't have been embarrassed."
"Then she would have been embarrassed for you, Ranma,"
Akane said as she sat down on the chair next to his bed and
took his right hand in both her own. "A martial artist like
yourself should already know and understand these kinds of
things."
"Pops never taught me anything about this kind of
stuff! I just barely remembered what to do with the sword."
Akane stared at her husband-to-be with shining eyes
and smiled. "It's okay, Ranma. We all know that and
understand."
In truth, Ranma sometimes acted as much like a gaijin
as a real gaijin. Genma's training of his son had been
focused upon The Art to the near exclusion of all else. These
shortcomings had and would cause Ranma trouble until he
himself realized that there was a value in the things he had
never been taught.
"You know, Ranma," Akane said in the mildest tones she
could muster, "Now that you can be around your mother, you
should ask her to teach you some of those things."
"D'ya think she'd do it?" Ranma asked. "I mean, it
don't seem all that manly or nothin'."
"Oh, Ranma! Of course she would! For that matter, I
might sit in with you. It wouldn't hurt me to polish up on
proper etiquette either."
"Gee, Akane! Would...would you really do that?"
"Sure," Akane said, then gave him an impish smile,
"I'll even throw cold water on you so you won't feel out of
place."
"Akane...I, well...I ..."
Akane put a finger to his lips. "Shh, Ranma. I know.
We have time."
The tension in Ranma's shoulders vanished and he
sighed.
"I'm sorry, Akane."
Akane's heart stopped.
"Sorry for what, Ranma?"
"For making your life difficult."
Akane's heart began beating again.
"It was difficult before you came here, Ranma."
He did not say anything in words. He just stared at
her. He looked like a man who had just found a sack of
diamonds. Akane loved it and hated it at one and the same
time. Being desirable was one thing. Being looked at as
though she were property was another. It thrilled her and it
made her want to reach out and touch someone--real hard.
"You don't own me, Saotome."
"I will before long." Ranma's tone was deadly serious.
Frustration washed over her. She wanted to swarm up onto his
chest, kissing him and hitting him by turns, but the clinic,
being open, was just a wee bit too public for all of that
and Ranma was not in good enough shape to deal with it.
"It will cost you," Akane said, then looked him over
very carefully, as though he were slave she might buy, "Sure
you want to pay the price?"
Much to Akane's amazement, Ranma did not flinch. He
grinned. It was an almost evil grin, as though he knew
something she did not.
"When the time comes," Ranma said, "I'll pay it."
Much to Akane's consternation her hands were beginning
to shake and her knees were knocking. What's come over me all
of sudden? She asked herself.
"You should rest now, Ranma," she said. Not only was
this true of Ranma, but she herself needed to get away from
this subject for a while.
"I'm not a bit sleepy. Would you hand me my science
book?"
"Sure," Akane said, as she fetched the book, "I was
thinking, how about pizza for supper tonight?"
If Ranma thought it unusual that Akane would still be
thinking about food after their enormous meal, he showed no
sign of it.
"I don't know, Akane. Sometimes it makes me have weird
dreams when I eat it for supper."
Akane stuck out her lower lip at him.
"Oh, all right already! Pizza's fine. Just be sure to
have 'em bring lots of soda water, okay? And no anchovies!"
Akane rewarded him with her special, just for Ranma
when he's a good little boy, smile. It worked better than
usual. No one but her was in the room to watch him react.
----------
The sun dropped below Nerima's horizon at precisely
six-thirty in the evening, just as astronomers had predicted
it would. Not that this success on the part of the
astronomers was that unusual, just that prediction and Nerima
are used in the same sentence only after great caution has
been previously exercised. Xian Pu reached down and flipped
the lever that pressed the little generator against the front
wheel of her bicycle and was rewarded with a beam of light
shining out in front of her. She rang the bell a little
earlier at each corner, just in case someone was thinking of
stepping out in front of her as she pedaled on into the
night. The generator powering the light wasn't really that
much drag, and ordinarily, Xian Pu would have paid it no
heed, but this was the end of an extraordinary day and she
found herself resenting the additional load, minor though it
might be. Upon her return to the Nekohanten she discovered
that she had yet another five deliveries to make when all she
really wanted was to strip off her sweaty clothes and
collapse--never mind a bath. That could wait until morning.
Five minutes and a half-gallon swig of water later, she was
back on the streets pedaling away until well past nine
o'clock.
Ko Lon would not hear of her going to bed without a
bath. She had made arrangements for the local bathhouse to
stay open a little later than usual, just so they would have
a chance to bathe. Xian Pu went upstairs and gathered her
things, then made the mistake of sitting down in a chair
while waiting for Ko Lon and Mu Suu to come down.
"Let's go, child," Ko Lon said.
"Xian Pu too tired, Great-grandmother. No want to walk
to bathhouse."
"You need only walk as far as the door, my dear."
Xian Pu turned her head so that she could see past the
doorway. Mu Suu was standing next to a large, two wheeled
pull cart. The cart had a number of cushions and a blanket in
it.
"Mu Suu, where you get cart?"
"I stole it from Happosai."
"Happy no own cart, Mu Suu. Cart belong somebody
else!"
"So? If somebody comes to claim it I'll let them have
it back and say Happy gave it to us to pay his bill. Now come
on. People are waiting on us."
Xian Pu clambered aboard the cart and sprawled out on
the cushions. Mu Suu and Ko Lon had not pulled the cart for
more than half a block before she fell sound asleep. She
perked up quite a bit after their bath, but still sat in the
cart and let Mu Suu pull her towards home, partly because she
was tired and partly because Ko Lon told her that Mu Suu had
looked like a man hauling gold to the bank on the way to the
bathhouse. Flattery was one of few things Xian Pu liked
better than flowers.
Two men came stumbling out of the big party being held
at Miyagi's Sake Parlour and noticed Xian Pu riding in the
cart with Ko Lon walking along side.
"Now that's the way to take care of a champion!" One
of the men said cheerfully.
"Yeah! With care like that, we're sure to win
tomorrow!" The other man said happily.
"I beg your pardon?" Ko Lon asked.
"You mean you don't know?" The first man asked.
"Know what?" Ko Lon asked.
"The betting pool!" The second man said.
"Betting pool?" Ko Lon asked.
"Yeah, we're both bettin' on this pretty little girl,
here."
"Bet on Xian Pu to do what?" Xian Pu asked.
"We're bettin' you won't miss a delivery or be late by
more than five minutes, for any order placed all day
tomorrow."
"Hah! What fool give you five minutes against Xian Pu,
much less miss delivery?"
"That's the spirit, girlie!" the first man said
happily if a bit blearily.
"Yeah! We knew we could count on you!" The second man
said, then the pair staggered off down the street arm in arm,
singing something in English.
"Great-grandmother?"
"Yes, child?"
"What 'Mary McCarthy'?"
"You don't want to know, dear. How are your legs?"
"Legs fine. Tired though."
"I just imagine they are."
Much to Ko Lon's annoyance, the telephone was ringing
as they walked back into her establishment. Xian Pu
laboriously made her way up the stairs as Ko Lon waved for Mu
Suu to stay with her for a moment. She was scribbling rapidly
as she spoke into the telephone. She groaned as she hung up.
"Set your alarm for four, Mu Suu. The graveyard shift
on Forges Street has discovered us. They want supper
delivered by six. It's a huge order or I would have turned it
down."
Mu Suu groaned. "I never thought I'd see the day I
hated prosperity."
Ko Lon cackled. "Better go get some sleep Mu Suu.
Looks like tomorrow is going to be another long, long day."
----------
The party at Miyagi's Sake Parlour was being thrown in
honor of Ranma Saotome. Not that Ranma Saotome was in
attendance, or even knew about it. The party was Happosai's
idea. Soun and Genma had, just as they agreed to do earlier
in the day, requested that Happosai test Ranma for his
teaching license. Happosai was delighted that they thought
Ranma was sufficiently advanced to begin teaching The Art.
Happosai was so delighted, he insisted that this momentous
event be properly celebrated at Soun and Genma's expense. One
of the few things the old man loved as much as he did
stealing panties was taking advantage of the opportunity to
party-hearty on someone else's money. He was proficient at
it. Not that he ever let a mild bout of inebriation keep him
from trying his hand at a bit of judicious panty plucking
anyway.
Fortunately, Miyagi's wait-staff were all consummate
professionals, knew Happosai quite well and therefore made
allowances for him. Most of them actually enjoyed these
affairs, especially since they all wore some of the most
expensive lingerie made of cotton to be found anywhere
outside Paris, and knew that Nabiki would find a way to pay
the bill, provided it was properly itemized. Miyagi sent a
runner around to each of the girls' houses to fetch more
undergarments with specific instructions to retrieve the best
stuff the girls owned. Everybody was having a good time.
By eleven, Soun and Genma were three sheets into the
wind and still not getting any steerage. Happosai, on the
other hand, was just getting good and warmed up. He sat in
the middle of the table while Soun and Genma stared
stuporously at the ceiling, a bottle of sake as big as he was
in his left hand, while snagging panty hose and what have you
from the bodies of passing waitresses with his right hand.
The girls reacted to this by squealing and wriggling, then
would put on a show of mock outrage while making half-hearted
attempts to recover their underwear. Miyagi's other customers
enjoyed this bit of improvised theater as much as Happosai
did. It was the best sort of magic act any of them had ever
seen. Word got around to the other bars and Miyagi's filled
to capacity by eleven-thirty.
Everything was going quite well until Tillie's two-
meters tall boyfriend arrived on the scene. Just as he walked
through the door, Happosai extracted Tillie's frilly and, to
be truthful, Velcro(tm) tabbed brassier with a deft pluck of
the thumb and forefinger. Tillie squealed, wriggled and
attempted to retrieve her bra, just as the script of the
evening called for. Happosai took this opportunity to bury
his face between Tillie's ample breasts, much to the
amusement of Miyagi's other customers. Tillie's boyfriend
however, was now two-meters tall and a hundred kilograms
worth of upset. He locked onto Happosai with a laser-like
focus of hatred, and fired himself across the room with the
sole intention of driving Happosai into the floor like a
tack, turning over tables and upsetting chairs laden with
seated and sadly besotted salarymen like a middlebuster
tearing up ancient and previously unsullied prairie sod.
Happosai, immediately recognizing the disturbance for
what it was, having much experience in these matters, you
see, picked up a fifty-yen coin and flung it downwards so
that it struck the big toe of Genma Saotome's right foot edge
on, all without ever removing his face from Tillie's
cleavage. The coin struck the nail of Genma's big toe at a
velocity just short of warp six. Genma's toe immediately
transmitted pain signals of a magnitude sufficient to pierce
the alcoholic fog presently befuddling his nerve centers,
thereby tripping several alarms in his autonomic nervous
system. Given that the ganglia running the cerebral cortex of
what passed for Genma's brain were entirely too addled to
function at their more normal, but less than admirable, peak
efficiency, the autonomic system proceeded to respond to the
best of its ability. It made Genma stand up in front of the
rapidly approaching, hundred kilograms of destructive intent
which had just recently hurled itself at Happosai.
This was exactly what Happosai expected Genma to do.
After all, his main purpose in letting Soun and Genma hang
around with him was to handle his light work and defray
costs. In exchange, he inflicted enough pain upon the pair
that they learned a thing or two. The fact that it often
required a great deal of pain to teach them anything did not
bother Happosai in the least. In his view, their innate
density made them the most profitable pair of students he had
acquired since embarking upon the profession of itinerant
pedagogue.
"E-e-e-eyowie!" Genma bellowed, "That hurt, you know!"
Genma Saotome is often the target of vitriolic
opprobrium. Often, said opprobrium is justified, but
sometimes not. The man is not without his talents and good
traits which tend to work in his favor and, occasionally, in
the favor of others. One of the things which often goes
unrecognized about Genma Saotome is that he is a man of
considerable martial skill. Skill that was hard earned by
constant training and drill over the course of several
decades. The other trait which is often noticed, but too
often belittled rather than appreciated the way it should be,
is his rather substantial build. Genma Saotome's physique is
very similar that of a large granite boulder with the chief
difference between Genma and a granite boulder being that
Genma is a bit more solid than your average run of igneous
rock.
Genma's eyes, having observed the rapid advance of the
two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler, had been sending urgent
signals to the ganglia making up the cerebral cortex of what
passed for Genma's brain for a lengthy, by beer joint brawl
standards mind you, period of time now. Receiving no
response, the eyes timed out the connection and began sending
the same signals to the autonomic nervous system. The
autonomic system was not equipped for, nor was it given to, a
great deal of analytical thinking. Fortunately, because Genma
had trained and drilled for so many hours out of so many days
for so many years, roughly sixty-percent of his martial
skills were contained in his somatic memory. The autonomic
system picked a routine from the somatic memory, launched it,
then, as much out of frustration as desperation, began
dumping large quantities of adrenaline into Genma's
bloodstream, hoping that this drastic measure would succeed
in getting the attention of the ganglia making up the
cerebral cortex of what passed for Genma's brain.
The routine stored in somatic memory that the
autonomic system chose is known among martial artists as the
"_go no sen_" strategy. Anyone who was once a member of the
82nd Airborne would recognize this as the "lured him in with
a piece of bread" gambit. There are of course numerous ways
to implement any given strategy and each martial artist and
soldier has his favorite way of pursuing such an affair.
Genma's personal favorite took advantage of his rather
substantial physique, and is widely known as the "Fujiyama-
ken." This consisted of Genma dropping into a peculiar
looking if extraordinarily stable crouch, while settling
extremely heavy ki into his lower limbs. He favored this
technique so much that it was actually the first subroutine
automatically called by the "_go no sen_" routine stored in
his somatic memory.
The two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler failed to recognize
the "Fujiyama-ken" for the devastating technique it was.
Even though he was an accomplished brawler of considerable
repute, the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler lacked any formal
training in The Art, was new to Nerima and had never heard
of, nor had he ever seen, the group known to the more
experienced Nerimaens as Happy and the Fiends of the
Happosai. What he thought he was seeing, was a badly
inebriated, ineffectual, overweight, middle-aged boob that he
could easily remove from his path with a vicious shove.
Ki is always created. Energy is not. We often think of
energy as something we "generate" but we do not generate
energy. We can shift energy around, we may direct it or re-
channel it, we can even change its form, but energy exists as
a fixed quantity in the universe and is never created or
destroyed. Energy is always, always, always conserved. The
two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler was reminded of this when he
applied a large quantity of energy to the squatting Genma
Saotome, whose "_go no sen_" routine in somatic memory was
generating mega-tons of heavy ki with its Fujiyama-ken
subroutine, designed long ago by ancient masters of The Art
to allow Genma, or anyone else who happened to master the
technique, to hold his ground while looking hapless.
The ferocious quantity of energy the two-meters-tall-
Tillie-tingler applied to the hapless looking Saotome had to
go somewhere. The universe demanded that it be conserved. The
energy expended by the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler, unable
to have any significant affect upon the solid if hapless
looking Saotome, instead affected the two-meters-tall-Tillie-
tingler. This is what is known as reflection, and it resulted
in the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler performing a fair
imitation of a bullet ricocheting off a large slab of magma,
extruded from the deep crust long ago in a prefecture far,
far away.
He sailed over the heads of a dozen or so sadly
besotted salarymen seated at a table he had not managed to
overturn in his headlong rush to crush the salacious
Happosai, slammed into the wall near the far corner of
Miyagi's Sake Parlour, then crashed onto the table occupied
by ten or twelve of the work-hardened, hammer and wrench
wielding, blue-collar hands that worked the dayshift in
various shops along Forges Street, who would have ordinarily
been home, snug in their beds by now, but had been enticed to
stay for an extra few brews by Happosai's impromptu
demonstration of Anything Goes Martial Arts Panty Plucking.
These hale and hearty fellows were not so much upset
at the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler for landing on their
table, nor were they all that disturbed by his spilling their
beer and sake. Such a thing was to be expected, given that
the physics of the situation demanded it. No, what they were
upset about was that he had interrupted their floor show.
ETFSOI (Elapsed Time from Start of Imbroglio): one and one
half seconds.
Never let it be said that the Japanese always take a
great deal of time to reach a consensus. They can, if a
matter is urgent enough, or if by training a group of them
has gotten into the habit of acting quickly, reach a
consensus in a more than timely fashion. In the case of the
blue-collar hands working dayshift in the shops along Forges
Street, they had become inured to the need for cooperating
quickly in the face of sudden unexpected demands and work
loads. They instantly decided that beating up the two-meters-
tall-Tillie-tingler themselves would not be nearly so much
fun as feeding him to the still crouching Genma Saotome.
ETFSOI: One and three-quarters of one second.
By one and three quarters seconds ETFSOI, Genma's
autonomic nervous system had dumped enormous quantities of
adrenaline into his bloodstream, and it was at this instant
that the ganglia of the cerebral cortex making up what passed
for Genma's brain got their act back together. The voluntary
system then notified the involuntary system that it was back
online and demanded to know just what in the blue blazes was
going on. The autonomic system responded by relaying the pain
alarm emanating from the big toe of Genma's right foot.
"Which one of you stupid jerks stomped on my toe?"
Genma bellowed, rattling the window panes and causing the
walls of Miyagi's Sake Parlor to breath in and out a couple
of times. ETFSOI: two seconds.
It was at this point that the work-hardened blue-
collar hands working dayshift in the shops along Forges
Street finished applying large quantities of cooperative
energy to the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler. One must
remember that the application of energy in this fashion
always gives rise to a resultant which is a vector, not a
scalar quantity. In this case, the resultant vector sailed
the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler through the air and over
the heads of the same dozen or so sadly besotted salarymen
that had failed to note the previous passage of the two-
meters-tall-Tillie-tingler, at a velocity far greater than he
experienced the first time he sailed across the room,
terminating in a rather violent landing by the two-meters-
tall-Tillie-tingler upon the still crouching, still heavily
ki laden, Genma Saotome. ETFSOI: two and one tenth seconds.
The dynamics of the universe being what they are, yet
another resultant vector manifested itself before anyone
could do anything. The two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler bounced
off the redoubtable Saotome, slammed into the floor, then
shot under the table of the same sadly besotted salarymen who
had missed the previous passages the two-meters-tall-Tillie-
tingler had made over their heads, and were just now
beginning to wonder if something in the room might be amiss.
The ensuing follow-on resultant of the two-meters-tall-
Tillie-tingler's frame ricocheting away from the firmly
ensconced Saotome for a second time, was roughly analogous to
the spectacular results witnessed when a destroyer escort is
struck by a torpedo. Beer, sake, pieces of table, pieces of
chair, whole chairs, salarymen, pieces of salarymen, along
with a variety of disgusting fluids, present because several
of the salarymen had neglected to visit the john during
Happosai's two-hours of impromptu Anything Goes Martial Arts
Panty Plucking demonstrations, were launched into the air,
flight-limited by the ceiling of Miyagi's Sake Parlour.
ETFSOI: two and fifteen one hundredths seconds.
As salarymen and other disgusting debris rained down
around him, the two-meters-tall-Tillie-tingler sat up and saw
Tillie doing one of the things that had endeared her to him
in the first place. She had just finished some ticklish
negotiations with the salacious Happosai which had begun
earlier in the evening, and had now set about earning a
week's pay in a single night the old fashioned way, by
blowing it. Truth be known, she had accepted the job as much
for the challenge as she had for the proffered monetary
reward because the tool currently in hand was the proximate
size, shape and consistency of a Vienna sausage. Given that
this was the case, one might well wonder how the two-meters-
tall-Tillie-tingler noticed, but notice he did and he let
forth with a howl of pain, jealousy, humiliation and rage
that simultaneously shook the Pillars of Heaven and rattled
the Gates of Hell. ETFSOI: two and one half seconds.
For her part, Tillie had heard many similar such cries
of outrage, and paid it no heed as she went about taking care
of her difficult if diminutive challenge. The two-meters-
tall-Tillie-tingler, while a handsome enough and energetic
enough of a fellow, was a little too short on tongue for
Tillie's tastes and she had been planning on replacing him
anyway. Now that he had created a disturbance at her place of
work, she wanted to be doubly sure she was shut of him.
Earning money the old fashioned way while he watched seemed,
to her at least, the perfect means of slaying two nuisance
grade demons with a single lash of the tongue.
The howl of the two meters tall, ex-Tillie tingler did
nothing to stop the brief rain of salarymen, pieces of
ceiling and other disgusting debris. One of the sadly
besotted and now thoroughly confused salarymen dropped,
willy-nilly, into the lap of one of the work-hardened, hammer
and wrench wielding, blue-collar hands who worked dayshift in
one of the shops along Forges Street. He, being annoyed and
more than a little put off by this unexpected if entirely
predictable turn of events, brushed the sadly besotted
salaryman out of his lap with a contemptuous snort and called
the salaryman a name which will not be repeated here, but had
something to do with Tillie's chosen method of earning a
week's pay in a single night. This greatly offended the
salaryman, who in turn suggested that the blue-collar hand's
mother made her living by a means remarkably similar to the
one currently being employed by Tillie. Thus the enthalpy
necessary to trigger the vigorously exothermic reaction
between alcohol and testosterone typically seen on any given
Saturday night in most any bar found anywhere in the world,
was more than amply provided in Miyagi's Sake Parlor on an
otherwise quiet Tuesday night in Nerima. Birds of a feather
always flock together, but never more so than they do in
Japan. The salarymen exhibited considerable courage given who
they were up against and the condition they were in. ETFSOI:
two and fifty-five one hundredths seconds.
The howl of the two meters tall, ex-Tillie tingler also
served to further arouse the ganglia making up the cerebral
cortex of what passed for Genma's brain. The voluntary
nervous system signaled the autonomic system for more power
and got it. It then used that power to execute the Saotome
School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Final Attack, by diving
for the floor and crawling under the heaviest, sturdiest
looking table in Miyagi's Sake Parlour. Here, the voluntary
system found itself and Genma being greeted by the remainder
of Miyagi's wait-staff. They, being wise in the ways of
Miyagi's Sake Parlour in particular and Nerima in general,
had already taken cover beneath the aforementioned sturdiest
table in the joint. Genma's sudden appearance did not upset
them in the least. More than one of the girls simultaneously
decided that this was an excellent opportunity to garner a
little more valuta before the evening's close. They hiked
their skirts and offered Genma a little something to eat,
which was easily done by them thanks to Happosai's plucking
earlier in the evening. There is only one thing on Earth that
Genma Saotome has ever refused when it was freely offered for
the eating, and this night would be no exception to that
lifelong behavior pattern. He would not realize the full
costs incurred by this ill-considered indulgence on this
particular evening for several days. It would be Nabiki who
received the itemized bill, and it would be Nabiki who would
have to write a check to pay said invoice. Nabiki's
continuing silence over the matter would cost Genma dearly
for many, many years to come. Never let it be said that a man
with low tastes necessarily gets by on less money. ETFSOI:
two and sixty hundredths seconds.
Happosai, seeing the seeds of a general conflagration
germinating in the far corner of Miyagi's Sake Parlour, and
realizing that the shout of the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-
tingler would without doubt cause Genma's voluntary nervous
system to take full control of Genma's substantial frame,
decided he had best rouse and deploy his other fiend. He
actually hated to do such a thing to Miyagi's. He liked
Miyagi, and rousing Soun from a drunken stupor under these
circumstances would be little different from using a
flamethrower to eradicate cockroaches in an outhouse, but he
seldom got this kind of attention from a barmaid as good
looking as Tillie, even when he offered them exorbitant sums
of money. Even more importantly, Tillie was famous for the
way in which she finished one of these little jobs. He was,
therefore, determined that she should be allowed to complete
her ministrations without interruption, no matter what it
cost anyone or even everyone on Earth. Happosai estimated
that, in all probability, the greater part of Tokyo would be
spared although he could never be certain of what would
happen once the dark side of Soun Tendo was provoked, but in
the interest of immediately furthering Tillie's Art, Happosai
provoked it anyway. ETFSOI: two and sixty-five hundredths
seconds.
Alcohol affects Soun Tendo in a very different manner
than it does Genma Saotome. Unlike Genma, Soun's voluntary
nervous system never quite shuts completely down, thus it
never quite leaves his autonomic system in control. Instead,
Soun has bad dreams while under the influence of alcohol.
With just the right amount of alcohol, the amount which makes
most other people worship at the cool white porcelain Altar
of Bacchus, Soun's subconscious mind takes command. The end
result can vary from maudlin to terrifying, depending upon
what sort of external stimuli are present when this threshold
of intoxication is reached or exceeded. In the circumstance
of Miyagi's Sake Parlour on this otherwise quiet Tuesday
night in Nerima, the sounds and smells of fighting can be
detected. Soun's subconscious mind has already begun to
relive the terrible, day-long battle of Sekigahara. No one
knows why his subconscious mind insists upon reliving the
Battle of Sekigahara, but it does. The thimble full of
peppermint schnapps that Happosai produced, seemingly from no
where, and poured down Soun's throat at ETFSOI two and sixty-
five hundredths seconds was just the proper amount of alcohol
necessary to allow Soun's subconscious mind to seize control
of Soun Tendo. The results were terrifying. There may have
been one or two warriors in the service of the long dead
Tamerlane who were somewhat more bloodthirsty than Soun's
subconscious mind, but that is mere speculation of dubious
quality, only indulged in by elderly residents of Nerima over
hot sake on cold winter evenings.
At about this same time, the two-meters-tall-ex-
Tillie-tingler had managed to get to his feet and had once
again locked onto the salacious Happosai with a laser-like
focus of hatred. This time however, he had decided that he
would seize Happosai and pull off his, well, pull off
Happosai's head, right after he dealt with this tall, goofy
looking, middle-aged dolt with the long hair and silly
moustache. The two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler was laboring
under the misapprehension that he had somehow frightened
Genma away, not having any way to know that Genma habitually
went to great lengths to avoid fighting anyone unless food or
some other significant tangible was at stake. The two-meters-
tall-ex-Tillie-tingler was not therefore, the least bit
alarmed by the arousal of Soun Tendo. This proved to be a
terrible mistake.
Soun's subconscious was at that very moment berating
its owner for having misplaced his favorite pole arm, the
family naginata, which of course was ridiculous. One did not
carry a naginata to a sake parlor, as it is considered bad
form to show hostile intent at such an establishment prior to
becoming snockered. Soun's subconscious however, did not
believe Soun to be in the middle of brauhouse brawl, but
instead believed him to be in the middle of the Battle of
Sekigahara, which in many ways is even more ridiculous
because Soun was born several hundred years after the Battle
of Sekigahara and had never so much as even visited that
celebrated battleground. He had not done so because he was
afraid his subconscious might take over while he was sober.
At least when it took over while he was drunk, he could blame
his odd behavior on being drunk and could therefore avoid
confronting a number of deep-seated psychological problems.
Casting about for a suitable substitute to serve in
lieu of Soun's missing naginata, the subconscious part of
Soun's mind fixated upon the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-
tingler. He was after all, two meters long, almost the exact
length of a naginata made for someone of Soun's height. The
fact that the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler weighed one
hundred kilograms and was not, strictly speaking, made of a
rigid material troubled Soun's subconscious mind not one
whit. After all, that is what shiatsu points are for, to cure
minor defects in makeshift weaponry. ETFSOI: two and seventy-
five hundredths seconds.
With a speed and dispatch rivaling Ranma Saotome's
Chestnut Fist technique, Soun's hands under the command of
Soun's subconscious mind reduced the two-meters-tall-ex-
Tillie-tingler's weight by ten kilograms, he was full of it,
you see, and had him standing rigidly at attention, unable to
do anything but breath and caterwaul. Soun's subconscious
mind considered the caterwauling to be a very annoying
defect, but like any good Samurai or Marine, was determined
to adapt and overcome. It adapted by ignoring the
caterwauling and seizing the now rigid, two-meters-tall-ex-
Tillie-tingler as though he were in fact a somewhat
overweight naginata, then made an effort to overcome by
attacking the warring factions in the far corner of Miyagi's
Sake Parlour with his makeshift, caterwauling and somewhat
smelly weapon. ETFSOI: three seconds.
What had begun as a battle between sadly besotted
salarymen and burly blue collar hands now became a battle
between Soun's subconscious mind and everyone else. The one
thing that must be said in favor of Soun's subconscious mind
is that even though it is exceedingly bloodthirsty, it does
not stoop to making class distinctions. It holds steadfastly
to the policy of "Kill 'em all and let the kami sort 'em
out." Given that there was no exit handily available at this
end of Miyagi's Sake Parlour, the two groups had no choice
but to cooperate in the face of this newly arisen crisis and
try to fight their way past the raging Soun Tendo, thereby
gaining the exit to Miyagi's rapidly deteriorating
establishment. ETFSOI: thirty-five seconds.
The preferred method of dealing with the adept of a
pole arm has for centuries been to drop back and let the
archers put a hundred or so shafts in him. Unfortunately,
there was not a single archer among the combined forces of
sadly besotted salarymen and hammer and wrench wielding blue
collar hands that would ordinarily have gone home before now.
Nor would such a putative archer been in possession of his
equipment had one been amongst their number, because carrying
weapons to an establishment such as Miyagi's Sake Parlour
display's hostile intent prior to becoming snockered and is
therefore considered a gross display of both ill manners and
poor breeding. After all, even the habitue of Miyagi's Sake
Parlour has their standards.
By now, the salacious Happosai was being introduced to
the true terrors of Tillie's Super Secret, Tongue and Hum but
Don't Let 'im Come 'til He Yodels, technique, and was
beginning to whimper like a whipped puppy. Tillie was having
a hard time with her timing owing to the noise created by
Soun's attack upon the poor dumb sots in the far corner of
Miyagi's Sake Parlour, and the incredibly loud caterwauling
of his makeshift and somewhat smelly weapon. Still, she was
very good at this particular technique, most of it being of
her own invention, and could make up for what she could not
hear by using tactile inputs, much to the dismay of the
salacious Happosai, who was already aching for release from
this unique form of ecstatic torture. ETFSOI: one minute,
thirty and one half seconds.
It has been said that the heat of battle serves to
concentrate the mind wonderfully. This is true, provided
there is a mind available to concentrate. For five terrible,
seeming to stretch out into an eternal hell, minutes, there
was no mind employed in the resistance against the raging
Soun Tendo and his caterwauling, somewhat smelly, makeshift
weapon. All the proffered responses to his assault had so far
been measures inspired by surprise and a sudden shot of
adrenaline to the bloodstream and were therefore relatively
mindless. It was one of the salarymen who, though not a
world-class martial artist, had indeed made it all the way to
first dan in kendo and had read Musashi's Book of Five Rings
several times, as well as getting a huge kick out of the
sillier Samurai movies, experienced a flash of insight in the
heat of battle. Oddly enough, the source of his sudden
inspiration came not from his formal training or reading, but
was instead inspired by a scene from one of the sillier
Samurai movies. He stepped back away from the raging Soun
Tendo, seized a heavy, glass pitcher and flung it at Soun's
head. Soun of course, blocked the pitcher with the long
suffering, two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler now serving as a
caterwauling, somewhat smelly, makeshift naginata. While this
was rather hard on the two meters tall, ex-Tillie tingler, it
did save Soun from a heavy blow to the head. It also inspired
the salaryman's cohorts and they too began to throw things,
anything and everything, including their false teeth at the
raging Soun Tendo. There was at one time, four different
dentistries in Nerima, all of which disappeared because the
dentists died from overwork. ETFSOI: six minutes, thirty and
one half seconds.
Up until this time, Soun's subconscious mind had not
employed any sort of adrenaline enhanced speed techniques. It
had, up until the time of this improvised fusillade of
makeshift projectiles began, been concentrating on doing a
cold, craftsman-like job of killing everyone in the building.
Fortunately for everyone in the building but the two-meters-
tall-ex-Tillie-tingler, the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler
lacked the sharp points and cutting edge of a real naginata,
or the sadly besotted salarymen and the work-hardened blue
collar hands alike would all have been graveyard dead at
ETFSOI, five seconds or so. As it was, they had been taking a
severe beating, but were surviving the onslaught perpetrated
by the hallucinating subconscious mind of Soun Tendo.
Upon receiving the fusillade, Soun's subconscious
surmised that he was under attack by archers. This is one of
the great fears of all accomplished naginataka and they train
heavily for such an eventuality. Soun's subconscious sent an
urgent message to his autonomic nervous system demanding more
power and to send it fast. The autonomic system realizing
what the subconscious apparently did not, that the two-
meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler was about eighty-five kilograms
heavier than a real naginata should be, opened Soun's adrenal
ducts to their maximum, stepped hard upon his pituitary with
both feet, then sent an urgent reply back to the subconscious
that said in essence, "Hit it!" whereupon Soun's subconscious
immediately went into that graceful frenzy which allows an
accomplished naginataka to fend off hundreds of arrows fired
upon him from every direction simultaneously. Which meant,
among other things, that the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-
tingler would now have to endure removing several square
meters of Miyagi's ceiling boards with his head and toes as
he was whirled around and about Soun Tendo as though he were
the rotor of some sort of insane helicopter.
The voice of the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler
tingler had already begun to sound a bit hoarse after several
minutes of steady caterwauling, but now, thanks to the not so
inconsiderable, centripetal forces being applied to his
entire person, including his sore throat and vocal chords,
his caterwauling had begun to sound very much like the most
serious sort of air raid siren. The kind that woke the good
people of Nerima and said to them:
"MIRV's and BUFF's and Bears! Oh, my!"
"And this is not a drill! Oh, me!"
"MIRV's and BUFF's and Bears! Oh, my!"
"And this is not a drill! Oh, me!"
"MIRV's and BUFF's and Bears! Oh, my!"
"And this is not a drill! Oh, me!"
So it should come as no surprise that once the sadly
besotted salarymen and the hammer and wrench wielding, blue-
collar hands inside Miyagi's Sake Parlour ran out of
improvised projectiles, thereby allowing Soun's bloodthirsty
subconscious mind to go back into attack mode, that there was
a sizeable number of people outside watching as it began to
rain sadly besotted salarymen and badly battered, blue-collar
hands who worked the day shift in various shops along Forges
Street. The bulk of them of course, had departed Miyagi's
Sake Parlour via exits not previously extant in the roof of
that particular structure. ETFSOI: eight minutes.
One or two of the good citizens witnessing this turn
of events shook their heads in disgust, while the majority
just laughed or grinned. One, however, decided that this must
be the product of a fairly serious brawl and that medical and
police assistance seemed to be in order. He whipped out his
cellular telephone and dialed 119. Upon hearing that there
appeared to be trouble brewing in Miyagi's Sake Parlour, the
119 dispatcher demanded to know if it was the weekend
already. He found working nights to be distressingly
disorienting, you see. The concerned citizen, being somewhat
exasperated, informed the 119 dispatcher that no, it was not
Friday night, nor was it a Saturday nor even a Sunday night,
but this was Nerima and strange stuff happens here, even on a
Tuesday night like tonight, and that assistance was urgently
needed because it was raining sadly besotted salarymen who
were not, as a general rule, given to brawling in Miyagi's
Sake Parlour or any other joint. The 119 dispatcher then
reluctantly carried out his assigned duties and dispatched
four policeman to investigate what was going on at Miyagi's
Sake Parlour.
These four policeman, being much wiser in the ways of
Nerima than the inexperienced boob at 119 dispatch, were on
their radios screaming for backup before they had taken three
steps away from their koban. This turned out to be an
exercise in redundancy because the sergeant in charge of the
night-standby riot squad had heard the dispatch from the 119
service, and already had his men suiting up while he dialed
the emergency night number of one Dr. Tofu Ono. Doctor Ono
was the only medic he knew that could effectively treat the
peculiar injuries his men always suffered in Nerima. The
injuries were almost never serious or life threatening, but
difficult and expensive to treat, unless the doctor in charge
possessed a thorough understanding of them. He figured that
if Ono ever quit his practice in Nerima his men might
reasonably refuse to service any calls in that district.
ETFSOI: nine minutes, twenty seconds.
The vocal chords of the two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-
tingler finally fuzzed out just as a large crowd of curious
onlookers began to form up around the outside of Miyagi's
Sake Parlour. The caterwauling was almost immediately
replaced by one of the most extraordinary performances of
yodeling that anyone in Nerima had ever heard. Whoever it was
doing the yodeling inside the badly bedraggled structure
possessed a voice of enormous range, almost four octaves.
One member of the crowd, Furinkan's music teacher to
be exact, opined that it was not possible for an unaided
human voice to have that sort of range and volume. This
sparked a round of speculation and impromptu, back of the
envelope design work amongst the electrical engineers in the
crowd, all of whom began to wonder where Miyagi got his
karaoke equipment and how on earth did he afford it?
Obviously there was some previously unknown development among
their competitors that they needed to be concerned about.
They had no way of knowing that what they were hearing was
not the product of exceptional solid state design and
engineering, but was merely the combination of Tillie's
technique and Happosai's fifty years long need of release.
ETFSOI: ten minutes, ten seconds.
The yodeling stopped without warning and was
immediately followed by what sounded like a female version of
Johnny Weismueller doing his famous Tarzan yell. The crowd
began cheering uproariously. The crowd was still cheering
when a completely unruffled Tillie appeared in the front door
of Miyagi's Sake Parlour, looking as though she had just
finished a very large meal. She gave the crowd a prim little
bow and strolled off into night. It was at this point that
several of the men in the crowd realized what must have
happened to some lucky bum inside Miyagi's Sake Parlour and
fell upon the street laughing. They would later find
themselves at a loss to explain to their wives what was so
funny about Tillie's departure from the scene. ETFSOI:
fifteen minutes.
Shortly after Tillie left, the night-standby riot
squad, Doctor Tofu Ono and the four street-beaters previously
dispatched by the 119 service, arrived at the scene. The
noises coming from inside the badly battered and bedraggled
Miyagi's Sake Parlour were quite faint, but ominous to their
ears. The sergeant of the riot squad ordered his men to
surround the place, then he and Tofu cautiously entered
Miyagi's Sake Parlour via the front door. Inside, they found
a recumbent Soun Tendo, snoring away as though he were at
home in bed, with a hideously deformed two-meters-tall-ex-
Tillie-tingler lying across his chest. Happosai had passed
out upon the table that he, Soun and Genma had occupied much
earlier in the evening. His eyes were locked wide open and
stared glassily at the stars through a large hole in the roof
and ceiling.
The sergeant of the riot squad motioned one of his men
over and pointed to Happosai.
"Arrest that old man for indecent exposure, and be
careful where you point that thing! It may go off again."
Tofu knelt down and examined the hideously deformed
two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler. Looking at the unconscious
man gave the sergeant of the riot squad a bad case of the
involuntary shivers.
"How is he, Doc?"
"Oh, it looks much worse than it is, actually. He'll
recover nicely in about two weeks."
"What made his feet and lower legs swell up like that?
Ugh! Good grief! He's got blood oozing out from beneath his
toenails."
"Centrifugal force, I think," Tofu said absently as he
continued to examine the man. "We had best take him to the
clinic rather than the jail."
"You're the doc, Doc," the sergeant said, then he
noticed peculiar noises coming from beneath a large heavily
constructed table at the other end of the sake parlor. He
motioned to his men and had them silently surround it. He
picked up a nearby firewater bucket, which by some
inexplicable miracle had not been overturned during the
course of the imbroglio, and waited for his men to get into
place around the table with their long Okinawa style batons
drawn and ready.
With a throwing style he had picked up while serving
as a volunteer with his hometown fire department, the
sergeant flung the contents of the bucket into the darkened
space beneath the table. Tofu's highly trained sense of
hearing had already told him who was under the table and what
was going on under the table and so it was no great surprise
to him when a howling mad panda reared up and turned the
table over as several members of Miyagi's wait-staff
scattered like a covey of plucked quail. The girls quickly
made their way through the badly shocked ranks of heavily
armored riot cops, desperately seeking the cloak of darkness
just beyond the spectators. Outside, the crowd roared with
laughter. Genma roared with frustration and would have given
the riot cops a severe beating if the quick thinking and
previously prepared Tofu had not planted a tranquilizer dart
between his shoulder blades.
"Wasn't this damned thing in this place the last time
we got called out here?" The sergeant asked. Several of his
men nodded their heads in affirmation.
"Well load it up and take it back to the zoo!"
The cops began breaking out their ropes and manacles.
"Arrest that one," the sergeant said, pointing at
Soun, "and haul this one down to the clinic."
It was at this point that Miyagi finally stepped into
the picture and interceded on Soun's behalf.
"Uh, officer?"
"Oh, hello Miyagi. Where were you when all this took
place?"
"Under my bar!" Miyagi exclaimed, sounding slightly
offended. "Where do you think?"
"You're a smart man, Miyagi. Too smart sometimes. What
do you want?"
"Well, if you don't mind, my bartender and I will take
this fellow home," Miyagi said, pointing to Soun.
"Oh, yeah? I was about to arrest him for creating a
public disturbance. You know some reason I shouldn't?"
"Aw come on, Sarge! This is just Soun Tendo. He's a
big crybaby. He never causes any trouble. He just had a few
too many and passed out in the wrong place, is all."
"Are you sure, Miyagi?"
"Sarge, do ya really think I'd try to get some guy off
the hook if he busted up my place?"
"Naw, I guess not. Get him out of here before somebody
notices me being nice. I have a reputation to live up to."
"You got it, Sarge!" Miyagi said as he motioned his
bartender over. The sergeant went outside.
"Run over to the Nekohanten and borrow their cart,"
Miyagi told the bartender. The bartender grinned at his boss,
then sprinted away into the night.
"Okay, folks! The party is over. Go home and get some
sleep! It's a work night, for Pete's sake!" The sergeant
bellowed at the crowd.
----------
Four "Super Gargantua" pizzas with everything but
anchovies on them, and a case of soft drinks arrived at Tofu
Ono's clinic at half past six. Doctor Ono, lacking the cast
iron stomach of his young patients, or perhaps just having
better sense, declined their kindly offers to share their
meal and went out to eat before going home. Ranma and Akane
attacked the pizza with a zest that can only be described as
wolfish.
"Ow!" Ranma said, nearly spewing pizza around the
room. "I guess I shudda said no jalapenos!"
"What's the matter, Ranma?" Akane asked with an impish
grin, "Can't take it?"
"Hey! I can take anything you can, Tomboy!"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Well let's just see!" Akane said as she shook out a
liberal sprinkling of crushed cayenne upon the slice of pizza
she currently had in hand. Ranma's eyes widened with
admiration and awe as Akane bit into the horrifically
seasoned slice of pizza without flinching. Taking a deep
breath to quell his heartfelt trepidation, he followed suit
by reaching for the pepper shaker and dousing his own slice
of pie with the fiery bits of dried chili, then decided that
discretion was the better part of valor and added on some
freshly crushed, parmesan cheese. Much to Ranma's pleasure
and pain, the pizza tasted wonderful. Through watery eyes he
looked at Akane and said, "Hey! I really like this stuff!"
Akane just grinned because her mouth was so full she
looked like a chipmunk, and popped another piece of pizza
into Ranma's mouth. Ranma decided that because the martial
arts eating technique was not, strictly speaking, a part of
the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, there would be no
harm in teaching Akane a move or two. The four pizza's, along
with most of the soft drinks, evaporated by ten minutes past
seven and both the non-newly-weds were in dire need of a
bath.
"Ranma? Could you sit up a little? I need to get this
sauce off your pillow without smearing it."
"I think so. I'm feeling a lot better than I was
yesterday."
Much to his shock and suprise, Ranma's middle ear did
not try to tell him that he was walking around on the ceiling
or worse, floating around in free fall.
"Hey! I'm not even dizzy!"
"That's good," Akane said absent mindedly as she
attempted to remove the stray dollop of tomato sauce without
making a mess of Ranma's pillowcase.
"Geez, Akane," Ranma said sounding a little alarmed,
"You're a mess."
"I know," Akane said sounding slightly guilty, "we
both are."
"Think you could help me to the bathroom again? I
wanna wash some of this off. That pizza junk is greasy."
"Are you sure you should be doing this, Ranma?"
"Hey! When ya gotta, you gotta," Ranma said speaking
with a self-assuredness he did not really feel. His previous
trip to the bath earlier in the day had been an ordeal, even
with Tofu there to help.
Akane helped him get down out of the bed. Standing up
on his feet proved to be a very different thing from sitting
up in the bed. He froze in place and hung onto the bedstead,
waiting for the dizziness to pass.
(Yo! Saotome! Time for you to take a nap. I'm cuttin'
in.)
(Huh? Now?)
(You agreed to this earlier today, remember?)
(Yeah, I remember.)
(So go get some sleep. I'll take it a while.)
(Just remember what we said about not lettin' things
get out of hand.)
(Since when do things ever get out of hand around us,
Saotome?)
Ranma suddenly found himself wishing he could give his
alter-ego a dirty look.
(Unlax, will ya? Everything will be fine. I love her
as much as you do.)
(Oh, all right! Good night, Red.)
(Good boy, Saotome.)
"Are you better yet, Ranma?" Akane asked.
"Yeah, a little. Let's give it a try."
"Would you like some cold water first?"
"Huh? Why would I want cold water?"
"I was just afraid you might be embarrassed," Akane
said. "Being helped by a girl while you're a guy, I mean."
(She don't count as girl.)
(Shut up and go to sleep, Saotome!)
"Am I always that childish?" Ranma asked.
(HEY!)
(Just shut up and watch what happens, Saotome. She's
got a sweet side, you know! You just never figured out how to
bring it out.)
Akane looked up at him and smiled, her eyes shining
with pride.
"Not always, Ranma," she said, patting his chest, "Not
always."
(Well hey, it's working!)
(No shit, Saotome. Now if you aren't going to...)
(Okay, okay! I'll be quiet.)
(Good!)
"I'll try to do better from now on," Ranma said
softly.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
Akane laid her head up against Ranma's arm and smiled
up at him.
"I'm glad."
(DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST DID?)
(Yeah. I made you promise that you'd act like a real
man instead of Shit-daddy, that's what.)
(I DON'T ACT LIKE POPS!)
(You come real close sometimes, Saotome. Real close!)
(YOU JUST GAVE OUR WORD!)
(Yep. That means we'll have to try and behave, doesn't
it?)
(AARGH!)
(Ooh! I'm so scared!)
(YOU REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO US,
DO YOU?)
(What I have done, Saotome, is to decide that it
really doesn't matter if someone sees us being nice once in a
while, or admitting we need help when we really do need it.
It's the manly thing to do!)
(ARRGH! IT AIN'T MANLY TO SHOW WEAKNESS!)
(Admitting you need help to someone who loves you and
can help you is a strength, you twit! You go running to Shit-
daddy whenever you need help with a technique you can't beat,
right?)
(Not very often anymore.)
(And your point is?)
(All right already! You gotta point, but I don't hafta
like it.)
(Don't like it all you want, Saotome. It makes no
difference to me, but if we don't change something soon,
we're gonna lose Akane.)
(I don't...are we really all that sure we even want
her?)
(Hmph! You answered that question the day you
scattered Safuron's bones all over Jusendo! You remember the
guy I'm talkin' about, right? The single source of heat and
light his people had? Remember him? That guy?)
(ENOUGH ALREADY! I hate what I did, okay?)
(But you did it for a good enough reason, Ranma. You
gonna blow it now that the fight's over?)
(I don't wanna lose her. Akane...Akane is...)
(I know what she is to us, Saotome. We die right after
she does or the day she leaves. Now go to sleep before you
grit our teeth and give us a headache. We don't need a
headache right now.)
(What makes you think you're all that good at this
kind of stuff anyway?)
(I'm not all that good at it, but I am one whole hell
of a lot better at it than you are, right?)
(Yeah, okay. I'm outta here.)
(Good night, Saotome.)
Ranma had broken out into a sweat by the time Akane
had helped him through the narrow door of the bathroom. He
sat down on the commode lid, breathing heavily.
"Are you sure you're okay, Ranma?"
"I'm a little dizzy."
"I hate to say this, but..."
"I need a shower, don't I?" Ranma said, finishing
Akane's sentence for her.
"Think you could manage a shower while sitting down?"
Akane asked.
"I don't think I can reach the knobs, Akane."
Akane looked into the open shower stall and realized
that Ranma was correct. It was a western style stall with the
controls installed so as to be easy for a standing adult to
reach without bending over.
"It's too dangerous for you to try by yourself. You
stay right there," Akane said. "I'll be right back."
"But...Akane? Akane!"
(WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO NOW?)
(I have a pretty good idea, Saotome, but I'm not so
sure I actually believe it.)
(YAAH! SHE AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON!)
(Don't be silly! She's wearing an oversized tee shirt
and a pair of shower shoes.)
(THAT AIN'T NO WHERE NEAR ENOUGH CLOTHES AND YOU KNOW
IT!)
(Will you calm down?)
"Excuse me, Ranma," Akane said as she squeezed by him
and stepped into the shower stall.
(OH, GOOD! AT LEAST SHE'S WEARIN' HER PANTIES.)
(You want I should use that trick Happosai showed us?)
(ARE YOU NUTS! WE HAVEN'T GOT OVER THE CONCUSSION! YOU
WANT US TO DIE?)
(Relax! I was just pullin' your leg.)
(THAT WASN'T MY LEG YOU PULLED!)
Ranma felt a sudden tingling over his entire body. The
tingling that told him he was going through the change. He
had to fight off the urge to shake his head as water ran out
of his bangs and down into his eyes.
"Thats cold!" Onna-Ranma said aloud to Akane.
"Sorry, I guess I should've warned you first, huh?"
"That's okay, Akane. It feels pretty good to tell you
the truth."
"Stand up and hold onto the sink, Ranma. I'll help you
get out of those sticky clothes."
"Okay," Ranma said, as she helped him stand up.
(WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?)
(I am going to enjoy this shower, Saotome. You are
going back to sleep.)
(SLEEP? ARE YOU CRAZY?)
(No, you are.)
(I AM NOT CRAZY!)
(Hmmph! Here you are about to take a shower with the
two most beautiful women you know and you're acting like your
pants are on fire.)
(JUST IN CASE YOU AIN'T UP ON CURRENT EVENTS, RED! I
AIN'T WEARIN' NO PANTS! AKANE JUST PULLED 'EM DOWN.)
"Pick up your left foot, Ranma."
"Okay," Onna-Ranma said sweetly.
"Now pick up your right foot."
Onna-Ranma complied.
"Try not to take this too personally, Ranma," Akane
said in an impish voice.
"I won't, Akane."
(AAAH! NOW I'M NOT WEARIN' ANY SHORTS, EITHER!)
(Will you hush?)
"Raise your left arm."
"Okay," Ranma said sweetly as he looked at himself in
the mirror and winked.
(WHOOF! WE REALLY DO NEED A SHOWER. THAT SHIRT SMELLED
AWFUL.)
(So? Are you going to calme down now?)
(Yeah, okay. I'm calm.)
(I thought you said you trusted me.)
(I only sort of trust you. I don't trust me at all,
not when it comes to her.)
(So go away and let me handle this.)
(Okay, okay! I'm goin'.)
Akane moved one of the stools into the shower then
helped Ranma get inside the stall and sit back down.
"Ready for some water?"
"Whenever you are."
The water was cold, but Ranma did not mind it a bit.
"Oh, man! That feels good."
"Sure it's not too cold?"
"Hey, if you need to warm it up a little Akane, go
ahead. Just don't get too carried away."
"I'm fine, Ranma. It's you I'm worried about."
"Oh, believe me. I needed this. I really appreciate
your going to the trouble."
Akane stared at him for a moment with a puzzled look
on her face.
"What's the matter?"
"You really aren't yourself, you know."
"What do you mean?"
"You're acting different."
(WATCH IT! HERE COMES THE TOMBOY!)
(The Tomboy is mostly your fault, Saotome. Watch
this.)
"You mean I'm not bein' enough of a jerk, right?"
Onna-Ranma asked.
(HEY!)
"Well ... no ... not exactly, but I well ... "
"Pass me the soap, Tomboy," Onna-Ranma said gruffly,
then grinned at Akane. "That make you feel any better?"
Akane grinned back at him as she handed him a bar of
soap. Ranma began soaping up a bath sponge.
"Ranma?"
"Hmm?" Onna-Ranma noised.
"Are you sure you are all right?"
"No. I'm not all right. My skull is cracked and I get
dizzy everytime I move around the least little bit, but I'm
getting better."
"That's not what I meant."
"It really is me, Akane. I'm the same old Ranma
Saotome. The only difference is I've been bitin' my tongue
tonight, okay?"
Akane giggled. "It must be pretty sore by now."
"Enjoy it while it lasts, Tomboy!"
"All right," Akane said with another giggle, "I will.
Want me to scrub your back?"
"Would you? I might fall off this stool if I try it."
Akane knelt down behind him and began scrubbing his
back. Ranma could not remember anything that felt quite that
good. He leaned back against her a little as she put her arms
around him and pressed her warm palms against his girl-type's
tummy.
"I really don't wanna fight with you anymore, Akane."
"Ranma, You don't..."
"No, I mean it. I really don't, but we both know that
I am who, and what I am and ... and ... "
"Shhh! It's all right, Ranma. I understand."
She gently rocked him in her arms as though he were a
child. They said nothing for a long time. The only sound to
be heard was that of running water as it pummeled them from
above, like a cold, spring rain. Ranma became conscious of
Akane's heart beating against his back as a new, never before
felt warmth grew between them.
(Hey! She really is sweet.)
(Toldja, ya big jerk.)
(Speak for yourself.)
(I just did.)
(Yeah, I guess you did, didn't you?)
(Saotome?)
(Yeah, I know. Go to sleep.)
(Good boy.)
"Ranma?"
"Yes?"
"What are we going to do next?"
"We're gonna go back to fussin' and fightin' once we
leave here."
"Why?" Akane asked, unable to keep a painful edge out
of her voice.
"Partly because of me and my big mouth and you and
your short temper," Onna-Ranma said, then grunted as Akane
gave him a little poke in the ribs. "But, mostly because we
gotta keep up appearances for a while."
"Why should we?" Akane asked sounding hurt, "How long
is a while?"
"You know what will happen if we don't," Ranma said,
"You wanna go through what we put up with Sunday all over
again?"
"No, not really."
"Me either. I've got a few things to settle before
we marry, and I don't know about you, but I'd like to wait
until we are out of school and we have some money of our own
coming in."
"Are you going to teach The Art to make money?"
"No choice there, Akane. The Art is the only thing I
really know anything about or care about doing. We ain't
never gonna be rich, unless fate's gotta fairy god-mother
department."
"I'm not worried about being rich, Ranma."
"I'm worried about us bein' poor. I don't want you to
go through what my mom's been through."
Akane gave him a little squeeze.
"I'm not worried about being poor, just don't plan on
taking our son off on some ten-year training trip."
"Aw geez, Akane! I ain't Pop! Why d'ya think I wanna
hold off on us gettin' married?"
"What about all your fiancees?"
"What fiancees?"
"Well, Ukyo then."
"I...I ya...Aitchoo!"
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah."
"So?"
"I ain't in love with Ukyo. I'm...I'm...I'm in love
with you."
Akane kissed Onna-Ranma's shoulder at the base of his
neck. Chills ran up and down his spine.
"I love you too, but what are you going to do about
her? I mean you can't just keep leading her on."
"I don't know what to do about her. Pops has gotten me
into a real fix with U-chan. I mean, I'll eventually be able
to pay her back for the yatai, but that doesn't begin to
cover what she's owed, does it?"
Onna-Ranma expected Akane to become angry with him,
but she hugged him tighter instead.
"You know, Ranma. For such a great martial artist, you
truly are a soft touch."
"Shhh! Don't say stuff like that! Somebody might hear
you."
Like it or no, what Akane had said was the truth.
Ranma hated to inflict pain on anyone, especially emotional
pain, and always went to great lengths to avoid such a
necessity. Avoidance would soon cease to be an option. He did
not like hurting Xian Pu, but the truth of the matter was she
was more interested in preserving her face back home than she
was in love with him. Kodachi was a Kuno and did not figure
into his considerations at all. Ukyo, on the other hand, was
his first friend and a fellow artist. Her obsession with him
was, well, it lacked perspective, but there was no question
that the debt he owed her went well beyond the price of a
yatai.
"We need to let your hair down so I can wash it."
"Okay."
"Think you can close your eyes while sitting up? I
don't want to get this in your eyes."
"I'll be okay."
Akane began working the shampoo into his thick hair
and massaging his scalp. The strength in her tiny little
hands was incredible. In truth, were it not for his worries
about Xian Pu's reaction or only the kami knew who else's
reaction, he would have been more than happy to marry Akane
at sunrise, all other consequences be damned, but the risks
were just too great.
"You gotta lot more to learn in The Art, you know,
Akane."
"So? When are you going to start teaching me."
"I'm going to talk to your dad about helping me get my
license after we get out of here."
"Must you? I mean you already know just about
everything dad and Uncle Saotome knows."
"I could, but then I'd have to start my own school,
and what would I tell my students? That I studied under
hundreds of masters and never mastered a single art?"
"You don't need a license to teach me."
"It would offend Happosai if I started teaching you
without his permission, then he might not ever give me a
license."
"I hadn't thought of that," Akane said as she rinsed
out his hair.
"There ain't no tellin' what sort of test he'll put me
through."
"I hope he doesn't demand something really sick. One
of his so-called tests could get you thrown in jail, Ranma."
"Don't worry. I ain't gonna do anything that would
land me in jail. If he demands somethin' like that, I'll just
go to another sensei and study under him until I can get a
license from that school."
"You could study under Ko Lon."
"Her price is a little too steep."
"Maybe, maybe not. I think she likes you."
"Even if she does, she's got all those Amazon laws she
has to go by and she ain't gonna be happy over me refusin'
Xian Pu."
"So what will you do if Happosai comes up with
something really sick for a test?"
"I'll go to Nikko or Yagyu. I just hope the old man
hasn't offended those masters so much that they refuse me if
I do."
"How long do you think you would have to be there,
Ranma?"
"Three, maybe four years."
"That long?"
"Or longer. Serious dojos ain't like a college where
you get credit for what you already studied. It's more like
startin' over from scratch until you prove yourself."
"Oh, Ranma!"
"Will you go with me?"
"Of course I'll go with you."
"You'll have to learn how to pick tea. It's about the
only way to make any money up in the high country."
"Pick tea, huh?" Akane asked sounding dubious, "What
about you?"
"Me? I already know how."
"Okay, so we stock up on clothes and things before we
leave. That way we don't have to try buying them when we are
short on money. I'll ask Kasumi to help me make a list, just
in case we need to go, but it might not be an option."
"Why?" Onna-Ranma asked.
"I think your dad is a lot smarter than he lets on. It
would be just like him to have all the really good masters so
angry at him that they would never accept you as a student.
That way, you would have no choice but to stay with the
family school."
"You might be right, Akane. But if he did, there's a
weakness in his plan."
"Oh, yeah? What's that?"
"Me. I never caused anyone any trouble and I always
did everything I was asked to do. I don't remember a master
ever sayin' anything bad to me, just to him."
"Where would you try first?"
"Yagyu, I think. It's a great place to train and the
school at the shrine there is first rate."
"You've had a lot on your mind lately, haven't you?"
"What?" Onna-Ranma asked as he smiled at Akane, "You
mean you actually believe I got a mind?"
"Let's get you dried off and back into bed," Akane
said and gave him a peck on the cheek. "This shower is
getting too cold for me."
(We're gonna hafta toughen her up, too.)
(Don't remind me, Saotome. I'm dreadin' that as much
as you are.)
(Yeah, I know.)
(Now then, you...)
(I know, go back to sleep. By the way, Red, nice job.)
(Thanks.)
Akane helped him get out of the shower stall and over
to the sink so that he would have something to hold onto
while standing, then began drying him off with a fresh towel.
(Hey, uh, Red? RED!)
(Yeah, I know, Saotome. Thrilling, isn't it?)
(Whoa! Man, I hope she doesn't do THAT again!)
(You are such a prude, Saotome.)
(SHE'S TAKING HER SHIRT OFF!)
(So? It wasn't hiding anything after it got wet, and
she can't dry us off with it on. It gets our back wet.)
(SHE'S...SHE'S...)
(Gorgeous, right?)
(SEXY!)
(Yeah?)
(AND CUTE!)
(Uh, huh! Our curse comes in real handy sometimes,
don't it?)
(HERE SHE COMES WITH THE TOWEL...AGAIN...OOH...AH!)
(Mmmm, I like that!)
(Me too...oo-o-o-ooh!)
(Aw nuts! She stopped.)
(We ain't got any of those right now, Red.)
(What's the matter? You miss 'em?)
(At this very second? No.)
(I can't believe you admitted it.)
(Hey! I admitted it to me.)
(No, you admitted it to me.)
(Like I said, I admitted it to me.)
"Ranma?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you want to dry your hair, or do you want me to do
it?"
"You do it Akane, but go slow. If my head moves around
too much, I get seasick."
"Okay."
For the first time in Ranma's memory, Akane actually
did do something gently, but he became seasick anyway. The
key to fending off seasickness is to find something in the
distance to focus one's vision upon, preferably the horizon
line. In this small room, the only thing available for him to
maintain focus upon was the seam where the wall joined the
ceiling. This worked out pretty well, because holding his
head at that angle sped Akane's efforts to dry his hair and
brush it out.
"You make for a very pretty girl with your hair like
this, Ranma."
"I'll never be as pretty as you are, Akane."
(Layin' it on a little thick ain'tcha, Red?)
(You wanna keep her, right?)
(Yeah.)
(Then we aren't as pretty as she is, not now, not
ever! Got it, dipstick?)
(Zzzzz)
(Yeah, you had better sleep.)
Akane kissed the back of his neck. Chills and goose
bumps radiated out away from where her lips touched his skin
like tingling ripples in pond. They spilled over his shoulder
and down his front, making his aureoles stiffen.
"It's sweet of you to say so, Ranma," Akane whispered
into his ear, then kissed his neck again. Ranma shivered.
"I ain't lyin' to ya, 'Kane. You _are_ prettier. I'll
never be any kind of a match for you."
"So how come Kuno can't make up his mind over us?"
"You can't go by anything that weirdo says."
Akane cuddled up to his back.
"You're cold, Akane."
"Mm, hmm. I just finished taking a cold shower, not
that it helped much."
(Didn't help us much, either.)
(We're cleaner ain't we?)
"Hang on a second, Akane. I'm going to try something."
"Don't make yourself...Oh, you're so warm!"
A deep rumbling began in Onna-Ranma's torso. He
watched in the mirror as Akane closed her eyes and smiled.
(I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THAT.)
(Why? She likes it.)
(IT MAKES US SOUND LIKE A...LIKE A...)
(She likes it! Relax, will ya?)
"What's so funny, Akane?"
"You are. You're purring."
"I think I'm gonna hafta lay down now, Akane. My legs
are gettin' kinda weak."
(Our legs are not weak. They are quivering and our
knees are knocking together, but our legs are not weak.)
(D'ya really think I don't know that?)
(We got other stuff quiverin' too.)
(I know. Why d'ya think I want us to lay down?)
Akane helped him back to their room. Onna-Ranma could
not quite manage putting on his pajamas by himself. He had to
put his head down too far to pull on the bottoms. Akane came
over to help him out.
"Ranma?"
"Yes?"
"Are you sure you're, okay? Maybe I should call Dr.
Tofu."
"Why d'ya wanna do that?"
"Because your legs are quivering."
"Don't worry about it, Akane. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Akane asked as she felt the inside of
his left leg at the knee, "You don't seem to be in control of
them."
"Akane, I...I...really am still a guy in here, ya
know!"
"So?"
"So how are your legs right now?"
Akane's face reddened, but she smiled, then said,
"Here, let me help you with this top."
"Thanks."
Rather than help him to his feet, Akane simply scooped
Onna-Ranma up in her arms and carried him to the bed. Onna-
Ranma did not mind this in the least and held on to her for a
long moment after she set him down.
"Ranma?"
"Would you like some hot water?"
"Boy! Would I ever!" Onna-Ranma said, yet did not let
Akane go, "But I don't think it would be very wise."
Akane giggled, then crawled up into the bed so they
could properly snuggle for a little while.
"Akane?"
"Hmm?"
"We don't want to go to sleep like this."
"Mmm," Akane noised then wriggled.
"Akane?"
She gave Onna-Ranma a peck on the cheek then got out of
his bed and fixed the covers.
"G'night, Ranma."
"'Night, Akane."
(Yo, Red!)
(Yeah, Saotome.)
(How come we didn't get a goodnight kiss?)
(Why would we? She's a girl. And right now, so are
we.)
(I really did want to kiss her.)
(Well so did I! Now get some sleep, will ya?)
Neither version of Ranma really wanted to sleep, but
sleep they did.
----------
Tofu arrived at his clinic right around one in the
morning, supervising the police who delivered his most
recently acquired patient. The poor man looked even worse in
the harsh flourescent lighting of the clinic. The police were
quick, efficient, quiet, and glad to be rid of the man once
they left. After the badly beaten brawler was in a bed of his
own in the second of Tofu's four examination rooms, Ono
checked on his younger charges. He was gratified to find
that neither had been disturbed and both remained peacefully
asleep. He went back to his newest patient and treated the
man's scalp with tincture of potassium permanganate to
prevent any onset of bacterial infection, then he decided
that going home at this late hour would be a complete waste
of time. He would need to check on his patients at least once
before daybreak and that was only a few hours away. He went
up to his old flat above the clinic. There, he collapsed upon
the single piece of furniture left in the place, a worn out
couch. He was asleep before his head had completely settled
into it's favorite spot on the arm cushion.
Onna-Ranma fell. He wasn't sure why he fell or what
made him fall, but he fell and fell and fell until he slammed
into the cold bottom of a narrow gorge. It was so deep and
narrow that it was more of a large crevasse than it was a
canyon. The depths of the gorge were so dark he could barely
see. The canyon floor was hard, wet and slippery with beaded
moisture. His head hurt and he was so sick at his stomach
that he dared not lose control of himself. If he allowed the
nausea to get the best of him now, he would not stop vomiting
until he threw up his shoes. He had to stay in control. His
enemy was somewhere nearby. He tried to stand up and walk,
but decided against it. It was too demanding and he would
need that energy for the fight which lay ahead. Thick strong
vines entangled his feet and he wasted a lot of energy
kicking at them until at last he was free of them and his
shoes.
The monster had grabbed Akane and run away. He would
find it and kill it, then finally he and Akane could live in
peace and be happy. Ranma just wished that the wet marble-
like stone was not so slippery. It was so slick that just
crawling upon it was proving difficult. Fighting the monster
in here would be the most dangerous thing he had ever done.
He cursed himself for never actually learning to skate on
ice. It did not matter. He had beaten Sanzenin on ice, he
would beat this jerk on wet marble, or whatever this stuff
was. Boy, was he ever going to beat this jerk.
"Give it up Fem-boy! You can't beat me," the monster
said. The voice roared as much as it spoke.
Onna-Ranma kept crawling.
"I am Ranma Saotome, of the Saotome School of Anything
Goes School of Martial Arts. I don't know how to give up."
Nothing gets the attention of a confirmed brawler the
way the sound of one brawler baiting another does. Tillie's
former boyfriend was no exception. He woke with a start and
immediately began having trouble understanding where he was
or what was happening. He was lying in a very comfortable
bed, but it seemed to be somewhere out in the open. Not only
was the air was chill and damp, but a heavy fog was rolling
in around him.
"Careful, Fem-boy! Death is here!" The monster's
voice rumbled.
Onna-Ranma rested against the left hand wall of the
gorge for a moment. It seemed he was making twice as much
motion to gain half the distance he should be gaining.
"You shudda thought about that before you grabbed
Akane, dumbass."
Tillie's ex-boyfriend shook his head upon hearing the
girl's voice. She was talking as though she were answering
someone he could not hear. Who the hell is Akane? He
wondered. The temperature was dropping fast. His breath was
now making its own contribution to the swirling fog.
"I wish you would hurry up! I ain't ever seen a cute
little butt attached to an alligator mouth."
Onna-Ranma banged his shoulder on a vertical rib of
rock and paused to feel around the base of it. The gorge was
widening out, or seemed to be.
"Better wish for somethin' else while you're wishin'.
That one ain't such a good idea."
Tillie's former boyfriend noticed a faint blue glow in
the fog, coming from a low angle not far from his bed. The
girl's voice had a confident, menacing edge to it, making him
wonder if she might be carrying a gun. He decided it would be
best if he got up and figured out where in hell he was and
what in the hell was going on. He sat up in the bed and
listened intently for a moment. All sorts of ominous creaking
and popping noises assailed his ears. The cold mist had begun
clinging to his skin, forcing him to wipe his face with the
palm of his hand. He winced as he did so. His face felt as
though it were badly sunburned.
"She doesn't love you, you know," the monster said to
Onna-Ranma.
Onna-Ranma determined that the gorge was definitely
widening out at this point and decided to stick to the left
wall of the wide spot, wishing there was more light. He
bumped into a rock with his head and began trying to feel his
way around it.
"That ain't gonna help you none, buzzard bait. Me and
Akane are goin' back home together. You're gonna stay here
and draw flies."
Outside Tofu's clinic, rivulets of condensation began
running down the glass of the lobby windows and puddling at
the base of their frames. There, the water froze solid,
forming dripping icicles which draped over the window ledges.
A strange, coruscating blue glow cast an eerie light into the
streets of Nerima from within the lobby.
"Ooh! Sounds like you found out you'd hafta squat
before you could pee when you got up this morning," the
monster said derisively.
Onna-Ranma found his way around one corner of the rock
and was now following its length by allowing his left
shoulder rub against it as he crawled along the wet, slippery
bottom of the canyon floor.
"Oh, it's worse than you think. I'm a world class
martial artist and I got a bad case of PMS. You got any more
stupid questions?"
Tillie's ex-boyfriend gingerly put his feet on the
ground, no, floor. This surface was entirely too smooth to be
anything else. It was cold and wet. So cold it made his
overly tender feet hurt. He gritted his teeth at the pain and
began shuffling towards the low lying, blue glow with his
hands held out before him, thinking that the light must be
coming from beneath a door.
"I thought sumthin' smelled funny," the monster said,
sounding disgusted.
Onna-Ranma bumped into another rock with his head,
then felt around with his hands. He decided that this was not
another large rock. It seemed more like another wall. He had
reached the widest part of this section of the gorge.
Pressing his left shoulder against it, he moved on,
struggling to crawl across the slick stone of the canyon
floor, cursing the frigid puddles of water he was now
encountering. Some of them were covered with a thin scum of
grainy ice.
"Clean out your pants before I get there, will ya? I
don't want any of that stuff on my foot," Onna-Ranma said.
Tillie's former boyfriend found the door and was
shocked by the feel of it. It reminded him of sticking his
hand inside the freezer compartment of an icebox. His flesh
wanted to stick to the door. The doorknob would not turn
beneath his barehanded grip. He had to use the tail of his
hospital gown to grip it. It made crunching noises as it
turned. The door resisted opening. He had to jerk on it
several times and make it pop open. He regretted opening the
door almost immediately. A flood of cold air washed in around
him. The air was so cold it almost hurt to breath. The
hallway was lit with an eerie blue glow. Looking down, he
realized that it probably would not be a good idea to try
walking across the floor in the hallway on his bare feet. He
returned to the bed for a blanket.
"You ain't gonna like what you get in your mouth
either, bitch! I'll bet you're the kind that likes to
swallow," the monster said.
Onna-Ranma had found yet another turn in the wall of
the gorge and was now following it with his left shoulder as
fast as he could.
"Oh, you bet! Right after I tear it out by the roots
and roast it over a slow fire."
Outside Tofu's clinic, the lobby windows were now
covered with a layer of ice several millimeters thick. It was
rapidly growing thicker as a misty fog condensed along the
entire wall and spilled down into the street. The coruscating
blue light emanating from Onna-Ranma's aura passed through
the ice coated glass with difficulty. Its distorted rays had
grown so intense that a passerby would have been persuaded
that someone was welding in Tofu's lobby. Fine flakes of snow
began to fall behind the glass. The snow was so cold that it
would have burned the skin of any normal person inside the
place. It was a rather unique kind of snow. It was made of
carbon dioxide. The building began to creak and groan as
though it were a wooden ship, riding out a storm at sea.
"You sure picked a homely little thing for a
girlfriend, Saotome. I hafta admit though, she's kinda hot
lookin' when she ain't wearin' nothin' but rope."
Onna-Ranma had found yet another turn in the wall of
the gorge and was now certain that he was in a cul-de-sac.
"I'm gonna blow off school for the rest of this year
and stay right here with you. You _ain't_ gonna enjoy my
stay," Onna-Ranma said, his voice dripping menace as he rose
up from crawling position to his knees.
Tillie's former boyfriend dropped the blanket upon the
floor in the hallway and stepped on it, rather than the
frozen tiles. A flickering blue light came from down the
hallway on his right. He looked to see what it was and forgot
to breath. Nerima's newest brawler was not a man given to
flights of fancy. Science fiction movies with all their
wonderful, special effects left him cold. Fanciful tales of
magicians and monsters had never interested him, not even
when he was a child. Now he was face to face with something
right out of a horror movie. A beautiful, red-headed girl was
standing on her knees in the clinic lobby with a spectral
dragon of blue fire coiled around her. Her eyes were closed.
Chills ran up and down the battered man's spine. They were
not by any means produced by the falling temperature of the
building.
"You know, Saotome. You actually frighten me. I don't
think I want to fight with you at all," the monster said.
Onna-Ranma scanned about the cul-de-sac, straining to
see through the darkness, his ears turned up to maximum,
hoping to detect any faint traces of sound or movement.
"Too late for that now! You shudda thought of that
before you pulled this stupid stunt."
Tillie's ex-boyfriend watched the red-headed girl's
face as she spoke and sincerely hoped she was not speaking of
him. He decided to check and see if perhaps the clinic had a
rear exit. As he shuffled down the hall and away from the
lobby by sliding the blanket beneath his badly swollen feet,
he decided that the clinic was in desperate need of a rear
exit and should it not have one, he would add one without
charging the building's owner a single yen.
"Not really. You see, I did think of it in advance.
While you are blundering around down there in that dark,
twisted maze of yours, your girlfriend and I will be taking a
little trip. I'm sure we can find a nice, private place where
we can talk. We have much to discuss, Akane and I."
Onna-Ranma's felt a surge of panic in his stomach at
this. He had never considered the possibility of some THING,
or someone kidnapping Akane for any reason other than picking
a fight with him. His rage burned cold.
"Coward!" Onna-Ranma bellowed.
Akane woke from a deep sleep, every nerve ending in
her body jangling with alarm. Something was very, very wrong.
She glanced over at Ranma's bed and saw that he was gone. His
sheet and blanket were trailed out across the floor of their
room towards the door, as though Ranma had been entangled
with them as he left. She threw off her own covers, then
leapt from her bed.
"Of course I'm a coward, you fool! Surely you didn't
think I would be silly enough to fight you when I have a
chance to run?" The monster asked in an amused voice.
A cold, harsh wind blew through Ranma Saotome's soul.
"You can run, but you can't hide, you stupid jerk!
Sooner or later I'll find your ass and fry it whole!"
The flash of an intense blue light caused Akane to
look to her right as she stepped out into the hallway. She
found herself staring at the most horrible thing she had ever
seen in her young life. It was tall, at least two meters
tall, and shaped like a long thin hourglass. The head was
hideously wrinkled as though the skin had been pulled upwards
by thousands of rough fingers until its eyebrows melded with
it's hairline. The thing's hair was no bargain. It was
arranged in twin spikes at either side of the creature's
head, which stuck straight up into the air, like an absurd
pair of antennae. Separating the spikes was a bald pate,
oozing red and purple ichor. The thing's eyes were laced with
prominent red vessels which almost seemed to glow, as blood
oozed from their corners. The thing was coming towards Akane
on huge, puffy feet attached to huge lower legs with all
sorts of swollen veins and arteries showing through it's
bright red skin. It was approaching rapidly, despite its
ridiculous, galumphing gait. Its lips seemed locked into a
horrible, sneering, upturned rictus that displayed fierce
yellow teeth clinched together in hatred. Akane stepped back
through the doorway of her room and dropped into a ready
stance.
"Well the world is a big and beautiful place,
Saotome!" The monster said, still sounding amused. "I'm sure
you will enjoy your tour," the monster added. Its voice grew
fainter as it spoke, as though it were rapidly receding.
As Ranma Saotome felt the ignition of pure, unmodified
fury in his soul for the first time in his life, the air
temperature in Tofu's lobby dropped precipitously, causing
the building to groan, pop and creak as though its collapse
were imminent. Rumbling and thumping noises could be heard
coming from the second floor, followed by a resounding crash
and a hard thump.
"No! Bring her back here you, blackguard!" Onna-Ranma
screamed.
The horrible looking creature looked at Akane as it
galumphed past the doorway to her room. As it passed her by
it said, in a horrible, grinding voice, "Run for your life,
girlie! There's a monster in the lobby of this place!" As it
galumphed on down the hallway, Akane stuck her head out the
door and watched the terrible apparition disappear through
the back door of the clinic. The fluttering tail of its
hospital gown revealed a perfectly normal looking, perhaps
even attractive, masculine rump. Akane blinked several times
to make sure her eyes were not deceiving her. Her eyes had
not misled her. The monster had a really nice ass, not as
nice as Otoko-teki Ranma's, but a nice one.
"Sayonara, Saotome," Onna-Ranma's nightmare beast said
to him in very faint voice.
Onna-Ranma was consumed with grief and gave forth with
a soul tearing wail.
"A-a-a-arhg! Akane! A-a-a-a-k-a-a-ane-e-e-e!" Onna-
Ranma screamed in a voice unintentionally amplified by his
ki.
The materials used in the construction of the front
facade of Tofu's clinic were not designed to hold up to
cryogenic, nor even near-cryogenic, temperatures. They had
become as brittle and fragile as fine Venetian crystal. The
glass of the front windows had become even more fragile. The
only thing that had prevented the facade's collapse had been
the layer of ice which had formed upon its exterior, but
Ranma's grief and fury had dropped the temperature so low
that even the ice had become brittle. Onna-Ranma's high
pitched wail in the exceedingly dense air trapped inside the
lobby set up a vibratory load the facade's materials could no
longer support. The facade failed as though the entire thing
had been made of a single piece of thin glass. Rupturing with
a sharp bang, it spilled rubble into the street which
shattered into smaller pieces upon impact. The incredibly
cold, dense air within the lobby rushed outwards, freezing
everything it touched into crumbly dead fragility.
The sudden release of dense air from the building
created a temporary pressure drop inside. The windows in the
rest of the building were unable to resist the sudden load
and shattered inwards, thus allowing an inrush of warm moist
air to equalize the pressure within the building. The
interior of the building was instantly beswaddled in a heavy
dripping fog which obscured everything from view.
"Ranma, are you all right?" Akane screamed. Her ears
hurt from both Onna-Ranma's wail and the sudden changes in
pressure. It made her own voice sound to her as though it
were muffled and distant.
"Akane? Akane is that you?" Onna-Ranma called back.
To Akane, it sounded as though Onna-Ranma must be
embedded within a wad of cotton, many miles deep.
"Yes, it's me Ranma! It ran away. I'm fine."
"Oh, Akane! I thought I had lost you."
"Stay there, Ranma! I am going to come get you."
"Akane? Akane, I can't stand up."
"I know, Ranma. Don't try to move! I'll be right
there."
"Akane?" Tofu called out from behind her.
"Doctor Tofu?"
"Here," Tofu said, handing Akane a pair of geta, or
wooden Japanese clogs. "Put these on first. Whatever you do,
be certain not to touch anything other than Ranma. Everything
on that end of the building is dangerously cold."
Akane put the geta on, then asked, "What if Ranma's
frozen to the floor or...or--"
"I think he'll be fine, Akane. His own ki should have
protected him through all of this. I am going around front.
If you can get out that way without risking a fall, do so. It
will be better than risking the hallway while you are
carrying Ranma. I would go, but he may not be able to
recognize anyone but you right now."
"Okay."
"A-a-aka-a-ane-e-e!"
"Stay there, Ranma! I'm coming to you right now."
Akane found Onna-Ranma kneeling in a puddle of water
in the center of the lobby. She squatted down with her back
to him. He needed no prompting to climb onto her back.
"Ready, Ranma?"
"Yeah, let's go," Onna-Ranma said hoarsely.
"Akane! This way!" Tofu called out from the side of the
building. The end wall of the lobby was gone and there were
no obstructions. Akane walked out to him, carrying Onna-Ranma
on her back. Suddenly, they were deafened by sirens and
blinded by bright lights as Nerima's fire brigade arrived.
"Hold your water!" the fire captain shouted to his men,
"Hold the water! We gotta cryogenics leak!"
Tofu had Akane give him the geta. He put them on and
went back inside the clinic for several minutes. Then came
back out scratching his head.
"Akane? Did you see anyone leave the clinic during all
of this?"
"Just the monster."
"Monster?" Tofu asked, "What monster?"
"The one Ranma was fighting, I guess."
"Akane," Onna-Ranma said, "I was having a nightmare.
There wasn't any monster."
"Ranma," Akane said, with heat rising in her voice, "I
saw a monster! It ran out the back door just before you
started calling my name."
"Um, Akane?" Tofu asked, "What did this monster look
like?"
"Well, it was only about two meters tall, but it was
the ugliest looking thing I have ever seen."
"Was it wearing a hospital gown?"
"Uh, huh. And it had great big, floppy feet."
"That was one of my patients, Akane. Did you see which
way he went?"
"You treat monsters?" Onna-Ranma and Akane chorused.
"How the hell did this happen, Doc?" The fire captain
asked.
"Oh, no! We're gonna make the evening news again," Tofu
said, as he held his head with both hands. He looked up
suddenly at Onna-Ranma and Akane then grinned, "No more pizza
for supper, you guys."
The three of them broke out laughing, much to the
exasperation of the fire captain. The sun was well up before
anything was even partially sorted out.
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