On Sun, 30 Sep 2001 11:23:53 -0500
Donald Lee Granberry <noharness@mac.com> wrote:
The party at Miyagi's Sake Parlour was being thrown in
honor of Ranma Saotome.
I only started reading "Comes the Cold Dragon" when you started posting the rewrites, and I found it a very good story. The first part was very interesting, as was the second, up until it got to the party at Miyagi's Sake Parlour.
I know your intention was to make a comical description of a bar-room fight, but the milisecond-by-milisecond account, interwoven with detailed physical, biological, historical and mystical commentary and repetition of terms (like the "two-meters-tall-ex-Tillie-tingler") made it all (to me, at least) almost painful to read, and I did try. As far as I could see, the details of what happened on Miyagi's are not really important to the future events of the story, so you could cut them out and just describe the aftermath instead, perhaps from the point where the police arrives. If you still want to keep the description of the brawl, please trim it down and speed up the pace.
Sorry if I seem harsh, this is not my intention. I just wanted to make a comment on a part of the story that I think needs improvement.