Been a while since I've edited one of Allyn's fics. Time to earn the
combat pay.... :-)

Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:

     "I dunno Kasumi," Ukyou glanced over her

"I dunno, Kasumi." Ukyou

(As is, the appropriate response is "Of *course* you know Kasumi!")

     "It's necessary," Kasumi paced back and forth

necessary." Kasumi

in front of the window, uncharacteristically restless.
"Things have gotten out of control; fights, explosions,

suggest:

control: fights,

     "Tendou Kasumi-san?" A scrawny stoop-
shoulder man in a wrinkled suit entered the shop and
bowed to Ukyou."

Remove extraneous end quote.

     "Ahh, Kasumi-san." the man turned. " I'm from

The man	(caps for beginning of sentence; also remove extra space before
"I'm"

     "Thank you for being so prompt," Kasumi
answered, politely not mentioning that the man was
actually sixty three seconds late. "Please just bring them

sixty-three

     "What is the meaning of this?" Almost, Kasumi
lost her temper. Bad enough that he was late, but to mix

Suggest: Kasumi almost lost her temper.

up her order!" "I wanted _Koreans_! Dark, hulking,

              ^
Remove extra quote mark here...

dirty, smelly, perverted _Koreans_!_

                                     ^
... and put it here where it belongs.

     "We at Gaijin-R-Us pride ourselves on client
satisfaction!" With a flourish he pulled the retaining
pins and the sides of the crated fell away.

crate	(I think you mean)

     "Hmmmm," Ukyou stepped away from her grill

"Hmmmm."

to inspect the merchandise. "Hairy, big noses, smell
bad," she tilted her head to one side. "They're not

bad." She

     "They're _Lawyers_," he whispered

_lawyers,_"

(not a proper name, so don't capitalize)

     "Ummm," the blond in the middle crate
interrupted. "I'm just in pre-law!" His mouth snapped
shut when the little-man hit him in the groin with a

little man

     "Ohhhhh," Kasumi's eyes went moist. "I'll take

"Ohhhhh."

or

"Ohhhhh!"

     "Hai, Ukyou-sama," the gender-confused ninja
appeared instantly to take the orders.

Ukyou-sama." The

     "I thought it best to start with Shan Pu. She
simply _must_ learn to use the door, and not sneak into
peoples beds. And she leaves _wet_ towels on the

people's

floor." Kasumi finished in tones of loathing.

floor,"

     *Dear Anal-retentive-girl,* she read,
*Amazon's  not so stupid as stupid Japanese. Shan Pu

Amazons

     "Hello Ranma," Kasumi had used the wait to

"Hello, Ranma."

     "Sorry sugar," Ukyou apologized, pocketing a

"Sorry, sugar,"

     "And now," Kasumi splashed Ranma with cold

"And now," Kasumi said, splashing Ranma with cold

or

"And now," Kasumi said as she splashed Ranma with cold

(You can't split dialog across sentences unless you have a "said" or
equivalent verb.)

     A vein popped in Kasumi's head. "You," she
yanked 'Steve' from his crate. "You are Aki, you," she
snatched the next from his crate, "are Baikin and you

See preceding comment. Not sure if there's some joke or in-reference
with the names here that I'm not catching.

     "And that colour! It really doesn't suit you."
Aki tisked, running the thick tresses through his fingers.

     "Not a speck of make-up, either," Chikao said
sadly. "Some blusher would work wonders."

     "They're from Berkely, "Ukyou reminded the
stunned Kasumi, thoughtfully handing her a pot of hot
water.

Um... have you been to Berkeley? (Note the spelling, BTW.) In my
experience, people you meet there will be more likely to hand you a
pamphlet detailing American foriegn policy crimes. (And nobody ever
notices the hair colors. ^_^)

     Baikin dropped his trousers to reveal a massive
throbbing example of man-hood, like velvet covered

velvet-covered

steel which he directed toward Ranma's helplessly
exposed virgin bottom. Grinning nastily Aki followed

nastily, Aki

suit, selecting Ranma's untried lips for his attack. With
a growl, Baikin reached into his pants----

     "I'd like two specials and some oolong tea,
please."

     ----and slapped a wad of Yen in front of Ukyou.

Heh heh.

     "Ewwww, something splashed in my
okonomiyaki!" A salaryman complained.

a salaryman
(presumably he's complaining the words "Ewwww, something..." as opposed
to just complaining.)

     "Really?" Ukyou moved quickly to the
customers side. "That will be an additional 2,000 Yen
for the Secret Sauce." She pointed to the back of the

Heh.

     Nabiki  was next.  So greedy, putting money
before her family.

NABIKI: Hello, family. (Sets a wad down on the table) Here's some money.

KASUMI: Not what I meant, actually....

     Nabiki twisted to look over her shoulder as
Baikin approached her bum with his tumefacient love
spike. "If only I had my camera"she wept. "the video's

camera," she wept. "The videos

     "Where's Akane?" Ukyou wondered, happily
ringing up another order. There was nothing like
bondage and bodily-fluids to work up a salaryman's
appetite.

     "Here I am!"

     Wearing nothing but boots and a mask, the
stocky dark-haired girl dropped from the sky.

UKYO: That's quite a strange outfit.

AKANE: Not really. You see this sort of thing fairly often, actually.

UKYO: You don't think it's unusual?

AKANE: Not at all. It's Kekko common.

     "Give it up," he slid forward, large hands

up." He

flexing to grab her in a dreaded 'Twist-her-nipples-
until-she-screams-with-pleasure-and-brings-you-a-beer-
while-you-watch-TV' hold. "I am a man, you can't beat
me!"

     "LOOK, it's Barbara Streisand!"

     "What? Where!" Too late he realized he'd been
tricked.

He he he!

     "I've been so bad, Panda-san,"Kasumi wept.

                                   ^^
Missing space.

     "She looks so peaceful," Akane smiled down at

peaceful."

     "Don't wake her," Nabiki remarked. "we'll

remarked. "We'll

order out. My treat."

Aw, c'mon. Not only is this unlike her, but you're blowing an
opportunity for a joke here.

NABIKI: I'll take you all out to a nice restaurant.

AKANE: Really? That's very generous of you.

NABIKI: Not at all. I only said I'd take you there. Paying the bill is
up to you.

     "Oh Ataru-san," Kasumi moaned in her sleep, "what if Lum finds us?"

"Oh, Ataru-san,"

Now we only have to hope there isn't any of Happosai's dream-incense
around.... :)

Funny and well-deserved parody. Though I don't really disagree with what
the others said, I have to say that IMO, this was by far the best and
most appropriate response to you-know-what-fic. :)


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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