The  characters  of the Ranma 1/2  universe  are
the creation   and   possession  of  the  brilliant
Rumiko Takahashi.  They  belong  to Rumiko
Takahashi  and  her licensees   (Shogakukan   Inc.,
Kitty-Fuji   TV,   Viz Communications   Inc.)  No
copyright  infringement   is intended.

"The Mikado" copyright Gilbert and Sullivan

************************************************


    Kasumi's Shady Sermon


    "I dunno Kasumi," Ukyou glanced over her
shoulder at the eldest Tendou as she continued working
at her grill. "This seems awfully harsh."

    "It's necessary," Kasumi paced back and forth
in front of the window, uncharacteristically restless.
"Things have gotten out of control; fights, explosions,
demons. Someone's going to get hurt if this goes on."
Her shoulders slumped, as if holding the weight of the
world. "And it's so _messy_!" she wailed.

    "Tendou Kasumi-san?" A scrawny stoop-
shoulder man in a wrinkled suit entered the shop and
bowed to Ukyou."

    "I'm Tendou Kasumi."

    "Ahh, Kasumi-san." the man turned. " I'm from
the agency."

    "Thank you for being so prompt," Kasumi
answered, politely not mentioning that the man was
actually sixty three seconds late. "Please just bring them
in and set them up."

    "At once." He motioned with one hand and
three crates were wheeled into Ukyou's, almost filling
the small entrance.

    "What is the meaning of this?" Almost, Kasumi
lost her temper. Bad enough that he was late, but to mix
up her order!" "I wanted _Koreans_! Dark, hulking,
dirty, smelly, perverted _Koreans_!_

    "We're all out of Koreans," the small man
apologized. "Our entire stock was purchased for use in
a new Jet Li movie."

    "And how is that my problem?" A tear trickled
down Kasumi's cheek. She'd worked so _hard_ to
make this perfect. She _needed_ Koreans.

    "We at Gaijin-R-Us pride ourselves on client
satisfaction!" With a flourish he pulled the retaining
pins and the sides of the crated fell away.

    "Americajin?"

    "Hmmmm," Ukyou stepped away from her grill
to inspect the merchandise. "Hairy, big noses, smell
bad," she tilted her head to one side. "They're not
Korean, but they _are_ gaijin."

    "I had my heart set on Koreans."

    The little man sensed Kasumi was weakening
and went for the clincher.

    "They're _Lawyers_," he whispered
conspiratorially, "from Berkley!" he finished in
thrilling tones.

    "Ummm," the blond in the middle crate
interrupted. "I'm just in pre-law!" His mouth snapped
shut when the little-man hit him in the groin with a
shock-stick.

    "Ohhhhh," Kasumi's eyes went moist. "I'll take
them!"

    "Sign here, please."


    "So . . .who's first?" Ukyou moved back to her
grill. "Order up, Konatsu. Three specials!"

    "Hai, Ukyou-sama," the gender-confused ninja
appeared instantly to take the orders.

    "I thought it best to start with Shan Pu. She
simply _must_ learn to use the door, and not sneak into
peoples beds. And she leaves _wet_ towels on the
floor." Kasumi finished in tones of loathing.

    A turnip-bulb whistling arrow shrieked through
the open door and lodged in the wall.

    "A message for you, Kasumi-san." Konatsu
retrieved the arrow and handed a small scroll to
Kasumi.

    *Dear Anal-retentive-girl,* she read,
*Amazon's  not so stupid as stupid Japanese. Shan Pu
know is trap. You have fun at Spatula-girl. Shan Pu at
your house, eat cracker in bed and drink milk from
carton.*

    "NOOOOOOOO!"

****

    "Hello Ranma," Kasumi had used the wait to
regain her composure. "Thank you for coming."

    "Heh, I ain't never passed up free food!" He bit
into the proffered okonomiyaki, stiffening almost
immediately as the Yellow-Bellied Sea Snake venom
extract paralyzed his voluntary muscles.

    "Sorry sugar," Ukyou apologized, pocketing a
roll of Yen large enough to choke a politician. "But a
girl on her own, (who's been abandoned by her fiancee)
and a small business person (who's being ruined by
free-loaders who trash her restaurant) sometimes has to
do part-time work."

    "And now," Kasumi splashed Ranma with cold
water, "to work!" She looked at the crates, reading the
romanji lables. "Sa-chi-bu, Pu-ra, Be-ru----ATTACK!"

    "Huh?"

    "I"m Paul."

    "What? What did you say?"

    "Sa-chi-bu!" She pointed to the first crate. "Do
your worst."

    "My name is Steve."

    "I'm Paul."

    "What? What did you say!"

    A vein popped in Kasumi's head. "You," she
yanked 'Steve' from his crate. "You are Aki, you," she
snatched the next from his crate, "are Baikin and you
are Chikao." Panting with emotion she glared at the
three. "Now, teach this girl a lesson."

    The three looked at each other, then at the wet,
naked red-head, bound helplessly in the front window
by Konatsu.

    "Girl, what _have_ you done to your hair!"
Baikin exclaimed.

    "And that colour! It really doesn't suit you."
Aki tisked, running the thick tresses through his fingers.

    "Not a speck of make-up, either," Chikao said
sadly. "Some blusher would work wonders."

    "They're from Berkely, "Ukyou reminded the
stunned Kasumi, thoughtfully handing her a pot of hot
water.

    An aqua-transexual change later and the three
gaijin converged on Ranma like sharks on chum.

    Baikin dropped his trousers to reveal a massive
throbbing example of man-hood, like velvet covered
steel which he directed toward Ranma's helplessly
exposed virgin bottom. Grinning nastily Aki followed
suit, selecting Ranma's untried lips for his attack. With
a growl, Baikin reached into his pants----

    "I'd like two specials and some oolong tea,
please."

    ----and slapped a wad of Yen in front of Ukyou.

    "But I'm _hungry!" he wailed as Kasumi
slapped him on the head, forcing him back to work.

    Avidly Kasumi watched as the three boys
abused and tortured the naked and helpless Ranma with
a savage perversion unknown to anyone except a
Congressional Page or a Political Science Professor.

    "Ewwww, something splashed in my
okonomiyaki!" A salaryman complained.

    "Really?" Ukyou moved quickly to the
customers side. "That will be an additional 2,000 Yen
for the Secret Sauce." She pointed to the back of the
menu where condiments, side-dishes and bodily fluids
were listed.

***

    Nabiki  was next.  So greedy, putting money
before her family.

    They'd hidden Ranma out back (Konatsu
promised to get the smile off his face by the end of the
day) and she'd never suspected a thing as she bit into
the poisoned okonomiyaki.

    "Just _pretend_ she's a boy!" Kasumi said,
exasperated. "From that end they all look alike,
anyway." It was _so_ hard, working with gaijin.


    Nabiki twisted to look over her shoulder as
Baikin approached her bum with his tumefacient love
spike. "If only I had my camera"she wept. "the video's
would make me a fortune!"


    "Where's Akane?" Ukyou wondered, happily
ringing up another order. There was nothing like
bondage and bodily-fluids to work up a salaryman's
appetite.

    "Here I am!"

    Wearing nothing but boots and a mask, the
stocky dark-haired girl dropped from the sky.

    "In the name of Tomboys everywhere I will
punish you!" She leaped for Chikao, wrapping her legs
around his waist. "Christmas Present Special Attack!"
Chikao screamed as her gluteus-maximus contracted
like bands of steel. "Nut-Cracker-Sweet!"

    Flipping over his falling body she landed in
front of Aki, stalking him like a panther.

    He sneered, dropping into a horse stance.
Knowing that strong women secretly wished to be
dominated and degraded by real men, he was confident
of victory.  Flexing his muscled, he made his deltoids
and pectorals dance like a basket of weasels on hot
rocks.

    "Give it up," he slid forward, large hands
flexing to grab her in a dreaded 'Twist-her-nipples-
until-she-screams-with-pleasure-and-brings-you-a-beer-
while-you-watch-TV' hold. "I am a man, you can't beat
me!"

    "LOOK, it's Barbara Streisand!"

    "What? Where!" Too late he realized he'd been
tricked.

    "Vagina of Vengeance!"

    It was all over in seconds and the three
Berkelyjin, broken and humbled by the Tokyo
Tomboy, stumbled down the street arm-in-arm.

    "Three little maids from school are we . . ."


    "You have been very naughty, Kasumi-
onnechan." The Tokyo Tomboy stripped and bound the
elder Tendou sister, covering her body with wasabi and
coconut flakes. Soon the naked girl was draped over the
furry knees of a giant-panda, her white buttocks blazing
crimson under the assault of his heavy paws, while
Kuno demonstrated his prowess with a sword.

    "I've been so bad, Panda-san,"Kasumi wept.
"I've been a bad little girl."

****


    "She looks so peaceful," Akane smiled down at
her sister, pulling a blanket over the sleeping form.

    "Don't wake her," Nabiki remarked. "we'll
order out. My treat."

    "Looks like she's having a nice dream," Ranma
added, pausing to snap off the lights as they left.

    "Oh Ataru-san," Kasumi moaned in her sleep, "what if Lum finds us?"




   
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