on 9/26/01 12:23 AM, siaru at siaru@stormbringer.org wrote:

Touchups, pretty much.

I love this story. Your breadth of detail and knowledge are
admirable. I'm holding off on something among my own ramblings,
waiting to see where you're going with this.

 
I occasionally regret the depth of detail. Take my advice on something?
Don't hold off on your writing because of my yarn. _Comes the Cold Dragon_
treads dangerously close to several other fics. One of them was Anand Rao's.
I had not read his story and trampled all over it before realizing it. He
has been most gracious about the whole thing, and I can do no less. Go ahead
and write your story.

This voicing is a bit more formally precise than I associate
with Akane; more like a Nodoka or a non-oblivious Kasumi.
I would adjust that to something like:

 
Agreed. I have re-worded accordingly.

Again, the precision of this voicing pushes Akane's envelope in
my mind, especially in her moments of emotion. I would at least
add this contraction:
you're a dragon,"

 
I agree and have made changes accordingly.

The second sentence is a bit awkwardly redundant, and disjoint
from the third as a result. Perhaps...
This was a completely new experience: for the first time
in her life, she was part of a team.

 
Worse yet, this was an unwarranted change in POV without proper warning to
the reader. I have re-worked it.

<snicker> It'd be a great brand name for an antiperspirant,
then.

 
Payback for all that Japanglish.

Nabiki: Tune it a little more left, I thought I heard Radio
Moscow for a moment! '

 
You don't know how tempted I was to squeeze that one into the story.

Red musta prompted him with those lines; Ranma-kun couldn't have
come up with them unaided even here, methinks.

 
Well I have been dropping as many hints as I could. I was worried that I
might have to spell it out in the thirty-six point, Impact font.

You're better at this, I merely note an apparent inconsistency.
'Joketsu men', rather, as is used below? (two places)

 
This is a tricky bit of business. I have not been using the proper Japanese
terms, as was pointed out to me by a very knowledgeable pre-reader. I am,
however, trying to get the flavor across without confusing the reader with
grammatical details. "Joketsu" means "Heroic Female," in Japanese. "Goketsu"
means "Heroic Male." "Zoku" is the Japanese word that can have one of three
meanings depending upon context. It can mean "family," "tribe," or
"village." The literal translation of "Joketsuzoku" then is "Heroic Female
Tribe." By using "Joketsu men" I am constructing a noun clause in English,
which is a no-no, of sorts, but seems the best way to get the true flavor
across. I have blundered in this convention several times and you caught
one. I think I have it fixed now.

Haabu: Who said anything about that? These are weapons of war
and bride-stealing... for *our* great comfort.

 
Would it be "bride-stealing" or "pet-catching?" Is there a spring of drowned
bunny? The Ranma-verse confuses me at times.

Seems OOC for Ko Lon to suddenly know enough about that to speak
of it so casually... unless I missed something in prior
chapters. Or is s/he also Jusenkyo-blest?

 
I was afraid this would escape the notice of most readers, but it appears
the majority of them are catching it. Good!

Many thanks, Siaru,
 
Don Granberry.

	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'