The lone figure floating in space, her oxygen reserves nearly
depleated.  No possible way to contact help.  She considered her

'depleted'

options.

<I can try to hold out here for a little while longer, or I can
leave a message for anyone who finds me.>

Her mind made up, she added to the suit's computer the message
she wanted to leave, then shut all systems off.

Her last words were.... "I'm so sorry."

Then the suit shut off, no longer protecting it's passenger

'its' ("it's" is a contraction for "it is")

from the cold emptyness around her.

Less than a second later she was frozen, Dead.

Another soul, lost to the void of space.

This section seems simultaneously over- and under-written to
me.  You're clear, especially in that last sentence, as to
what we are supposed to be feeling, but you don't really give
us all that much description.  I'd recommend replacing that
last sentence with a description of how "lost" she is.  Are
there asteroids or a sun nearby?  (Given who this turns out
to be, there ought to be a fair amount of wreckage.)

Washu was busy in her lab as always.

The "as always" detracts, rather than adds, from the effect
of your narrative, IMO.

She then launched a probe in secret, not that anyone would be
interested in what she was doing anyway, but she loved the covert
the whole cloak and dagger.  The did, after all, have good
reasons to be watching her.

You have multiple spelling and/or grammatical errors in this
paragraph.

The probe was going to collect sample and run tests in that area

'samples'

of space.  What it actually found, however, actually made her
blood run cold.

You use 'actually' twice in the same sentence.

She then started building, what most might call an operating
room, in the lab's sub-basement G.

Those two commas shouldn't be there.

Far away from prying eyes she was assembling several pieces of
equipment that looked like their purpose could only have been
torture.

'torture'?  Why?  You don't use this description later in
the chapter.

<ahh, this place is coming together nicely>  She thought.
<Perfect for my next experiment>

Meanwhile her probe was on its way back, with some unusual
cargo.

You're very mysterious in this whole section, apparently
deliberately trying to create interest and suspense.  But I
think you tell us so little that the effect is against what
you're trying to achieve, more annoying than intriguing.
Suggest you give out a little more hard info here.

****************************************************************

Four Days Later.

sentence fragment.

Tenchi was starting to get conserned.  Washu had locked her lab

'concerned'.

up rather tight and no one had seen or heard from her in several
days.

Strange things had been happening all week.  First, Mihoshi
went out to her ship.  She claimed that she needed to clean, but
when she came back, it was clear she had been crying.  She would
not explain herself, so he was left to wonder what happened.

What DID happen?  You don't explain in this chapter.

Washu said that she had not intersepted any comunications from
GP or from Mihoshi's ship.

Mihoshi repeated this all week.  No one could, or would figure

need comma after 'would'

out why.

Ryoko was acting in a rather frisky mood all week as well.  He
asked her if she was the reason Mihoshi was crying, but Ryoko
swore to her that she would not do something like that.  In any
case, he found it harder and harder to complete simple tasks.
Getting out of his chair, for example.  He was getting up when
she suddenly materialized in his lap.  This happened about four
to 5 times a day, he thought about never leaving the chair, just
to see how she would react.

And what's the point of attributing unusual behavior to Ryouko?
She's not connected with the mysterious cargo.

Add to it Washu had locked everyone out of her lab.

You already mentioned that.

This morning Mihoshi left in the Yokinojo.  she said that Washu

Capitalize 'she'.

had given her a very special report that she was supposed to
read to her superiors immediatly.  She said that she would be

Why 'read', as opposed to 'deliver'?  Also, 'immediately'.

back in only a couple of hours.  Mihoshi also could not tell
anyone as to what the report said, due to Washu's instructions

Delete 'as'

not to read it until she could give it to Galaxy Police.

Now Tenchi was not Psyhic, but his danger sense was tripping in

'psychic' (not capitalized)

the nine point five range.  He knew SOMETHING was about to go

on what scale?

down here, something BIG.  But what......

Remove elipsis and just use a question mark.

****************************************************************

Insert Eye rolling cliche here about Murphy's law, or fanfic
writers being predictible, or whatever else applies.

Please don't.

But dear readers..... You will not be dissappointed.

"Everyone please follow me.  I have something I need to show you
down in the lab."

And exactly why is this event so important?

The sides of the cylinder became to seperate.  The was in fact,
a large tank, but it was the naked female inside that caught
everyone's attention.

"Everyone, I would like you to meet............"

By this point, every reader you have is expecting this to be
Kiyone, so your attempt at suspense has failed (at least, at
the length you're trying for here).

Mihoshi then picked up the PADD and pressed the on button.

What's a PADD?  Given the capitalization, we're expecting
an acronym, but you don't give us one.  Suggest a simple 'datapad'
instead.

"I apoligize for making Mihoshi make a false report to you, but

'apologize'

I had reasons for getting her away from earth of a litle while,

'for a little while'

and when you hear them, you will understand.

I could have made the report to you directly, and I will be in
contact soon, but I have something of great significance that
you need to be aware of.

Again, why is this 'of great significance'?

I was searching space in search of information regarding some
phenomanon that Mihoshi had described to me once, when I found a

'phenomena' (the plural, to match your 'some' in the previous line)

body.

It was humanoid, and was curious as to it's identity.

'I was curious'    'its'

While performing one such scan I noticed how intact the brain
was.  I also identified who it was.

I wondered how plausible it would be to try to re-animte the

're-animate'

As to the Identity of the person.  This is why I needed Mihoshi

don't capitalize 'identity'.

there with you.

Her name is Dective Kiyone Makibi."

'Detective'

However, that was nothing compared to Mihoshi's reaction.

As Yokinojo desperatly tired to disengage from the communication
array's docking cradle, Mihoshi had stopped crying.  Her pupils
had dialated, and she was dead stiff for a moment before she had
wrenched the thruster controls into full speed.  She deactived
all emergency safety overrides and pushed the engines harder.
Her ship tore away from the array with an explosion, and sent
the tiny craft spinning into space.

Why DOES Mihoshi have this reaction?  I hope you're planning
to explain in chapter 2.

The word echoed in Tenchi's mind over and over.  Kiyone.

And why would Tenchi react like this?  He's only heard the
name once, in Mihoshi's story (from the Mihoshi special); why
would he even remember the name, let alone attach any special
significance to it?

Anyway, I sent out a probe to pick up debris, and to have closer
equipment to scan the area around for anything strange.  but
strange is not even the correct word to describe finding Kiyone.

Ummm.... what word is?  According to Mihoshi's story, Kiyone's
remains _should_ have been in that area.  Granted, Washuu might
have expected them to be incinerated rather than almost whole,
but why is she surprised that Mihoshi got the facts wrong?

Washu was looking at Tenchi in a most unusual manner, she was
actually trying to gain his forgiveness.

For what?  I'd have thought she'd be expecting his approval.

"I had to think fast.  The freezing process had been perfect,
almost too perfect in fact.

(Somewhere in Asgard, Skuld sneezed)

This cameo strikes me as highly unnecessary and annoying, rather
than funny.  Your mileage will vary, though, I suppose.

I then had to repair the damage to her left arm.  It was severed
possibly by some of the debris that floated near her.  In any
case I could not find it to reattach it, so I made a new one.
I built it so it would be just like her other arm, including
connecting it to the arms own severed nerves.  If I don't tell
her I replaced it, she may never know.

I'm puzzled as to why you are emphasizing this left arm business
to the extent you are.  What's the point?  If the replacement
is a flawless as Washuu says, then it cannot play any point in
plot developments in future chapters.

Tenchi went over to Kiyone, and was about to reach out to
touch her when she began to stir slightly.

Why?  This behavior seems OOC for Tenchi.

<Where am I?> she thought.  She looked around and stopped.  She
started to recognize a couple of the faces.  One was Princess
Ayeka of jurai, and another was her little sister Sasami.

But her eye grew wide when she turn toward the floating woman
with the Cyan hair.

<ohmyKami, its Ryoko!!>  She kept staring at Ryoko, who not
quite understanding why she was being watched, raised her hand
and waved slightly.

It strikes me as highly implausible that Kiyone would recognize
anyone, given your OAV scenario.  In the TV series, Aeka and
Sasami are currently-missing Princesses, and Ryouko is currently
most-wanted.  Here, however, Aeka and Sasami have been missing
for 700 years, and Ryouko has had her criminal records erased
by Jurai (lapse of the Statute of Limitations), and, of course,
she too has been missing for 700 years.  Why in the galaxy
would Kiyone have memorized the faces of these, to her, ancient
historical curiousities?

She sat up and noticed that she was wearing her modified Galaxy
police uniform.  the normal slacks had been replaced by long
black leggings and, and the white miniskirt.  leg warmers and
black shoes hid her rather cute feet.

In the OAV scenario, this isn't a "modified" uniform; it is
identical to the one Kiyone wears in the Mihoshi Special.  Given
Kiyone's professionalism, as therein depicted, it must be an
official uniform.  And why "rather cute feet"?  Why would SHE
think so?

Kiyone was soaking in all the nature when she heard voices off
to her right.  She turned to see Ayeka and Ryoko having one of
their usual fights.  Well, it was starting out like usual,
anyway.

Again, you're telling this from Kiyone's point of view.  She
doesn't know these people (even if, for some reason, she DOES
recognize them).  Why is this 'one of their usual fights'?

Ayeka's battle logs began to form, and Ryoko was readying up an
energy sword.

Kiyone stopped, shocked.   "You two really are Princess Ayeka
and the Criminal Space Pirate Ryoko."

She knows enough to recognize them from the logs and energy
sword?  Neither can be used by anyone else she's ever heard of?

Kiyone pondered this for several seconds.  Meanwhile Ayeka and
Ryoko had decided to go inside to watch a television show.

OOC for both, IMO.

Washu sighed, but keep her gaze.
"I found your dead body floating in space.  I brought it back
here so It could be buried properly.  But I found that your
brain was still functioning, and that your body was strangly in
such condition that I could repair it, well most of it anyway."

Begging the question of how Washuu defines "dead"...  Most people
would define it as the state from which you _can't_ bring someone
back.

"Don't ask me exactly, because I did not waste any time running
tests on you to figure out how it was possible, but here you are,
alive and healthy.  I would go up to the shrine and give thanks
to whatever diety you worship for your incredible luck."

(authors note: need to add something here, I can tell, but I
  can't think of what.  Any ideas would help.)

You don't need anything here, IMO, because you haven't succeeded
in conveying that anything miraculous really happened.  You
tell us, sort of, but not convincingly.  Washuu needs to be much
more puzzled than you portray her, I think, to properly convince
us.

And it's spelled 'deity'.

"How did you find my body in space, it is rather vast."

Question mark; it's a question.  And how about a simple:
"How did you find my body in the vastness of space?"
Or just "How did you find me?"
It seems to fit Kiyone better.

"You partner Mihoshi, who is also a guest here, told us the tale
of your last adventure, so I broke into the GP mainframe
computer and found the location of the engagement."

Kiyone found herself both shocked, amused, and upset.  No one
at GP had went to look for her, they had just left her body.

No sudden surge in hatred for Mihoshi?  The last we saw this
Kiyone, she was saying "...Mihoshi, I will KILL YOU!"

"I guess I owe you a thank you, for having the decency to wish
my body buried properly."

Washu smiled slightly, and motioned for Kiyone to follow her.

They began to walk up the shrine steps.  Upon reaching the top
Washu pointed over toward a verticle stone, with several Kanji

'vertical'

on it.

"That is where Tenchi's mother is.  Tenchi's grandfather, who
is actually Yosho, First Prince of Jurai, gave me permission to

And the point of Washuu revealing this info so casually is?

lay you to rest near there.

He aggrees with me that all of us will probably be here
forever."

Uh... what?

Kiyone finally looked at Washu, and asked..."So, WHY are you all
here then?"

"Do you remember when you first woke up in my lab?  There was a
young man who offered you his hand to help you up.  He is the
reason.  He is Tenchi, and we are all guests in his home.
We all have a different reason, but they all involve him."

There's quite a discrepancy between "we all have reasons to stick
with Tenchi for now" and "we're all going to be on Earth forever".
Which do you mean?

For instance, many OAV continuations give Tenchi the Jurai throne,
sooner or later, implying a move to Jurai (with all the girls,
married to Tenchi or not, more or less tagging along).

Also, what's this "we all have a different reason"?  In the OAVs,
they all have the _same_ reason:  all five are in love with Tenchi.

OK, now, I have to write Chapter 2.

Oh my goodness, what have I done?

Here is my take on the whole thing.  Kiyone is the daughter of
a family that is a little bette off then most.  They can afford
to give their daughter a ship, as a going away gift when she
joined the GP.  So the Yugami is actually her property.

Okay... but why?  I assume you have some long-term plot reason
for the Yagami (sp) to be Kiyone's personal property?  (If not,
I'd get rid of the whole idea.)


To sum:  lots of spelling and grammatical errors.  I'd recommend
using a spell checker and grammar checker before posting.

More fundamentally, you've spent this whole episode bringing
back Kiyone and possibly hinting at problems with Mihoshi.  You
could have done this more compactly, but you tried for suspense
you simply can't get, given that it IS Kiyone.  (EVERY reader
knows this, half-way through the chapter.)

You seem to be trying for parallels with the TV series' intro
of Kiyone which don't, and can't, apply, given that, in the OAVs,
nobody's heard of Aeka, Sasami, or Ryouko for 700 years (and
nobody's heard of Washuu for 5000).  And your characterizations
of Aeka and Ryouko seem slightly more TV than OAV; they don't
fight often enough in the OAVs to make your fight description
any kind of "yet again".

Depending on where you're going, these might be very minor problems,
easily fixed with a rewrite.  It will be interesting to see where
you're going with this.


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