Hi James,

At 07:43 PM 9/4/01 -0400, James M. Zema wrote:

Another chapter of one of my current favorites.  I'll see what I can do
in the way of C&C.  I didn't catch much in the way of grammar mistakes,
so this is pretty much just anything that leapt out at me in such a way
as to interupt the flow of the story or my afterthoughts.

Ok.

> Yes, that was what he would become, a shadow law, stalking down through
> the ages and slowly shaping the world into one more to his liking.  But
> until he deemed the time to be right, he would refrain from altering
> any significant historical events, instead quietly profiting from his
> foreknowledge of them, amassing wealth, political influence, and a
> secret army of loyal followers, even as he worked behind the scenes of
> history to ensure his future place in it.  He would raise up kings and
> nations and see them cast down at their proper moments, so that the
> timeline he remembered would remain relatively unaltered.  And while he
> did so, he would use his foreknowledge of this world's future to build
> his forces throughout the many hidden corners of unrecorded history.
>
> Then, when he deemed it to be the proper time, he could begin slowly
> consolidating his control of this world under one nation to form an
> empire.  And when its hold over the globe was nearly complete, aided by
> his efforts from the shadows, he could then quietly step in and assume
> absolute control, enjoying the final steps to the final domination of
> this tiny rimworld, beginning an immortal reign that would eventually
> reach out across the galaxy and would last for an eternity.  He would
> also find a means to regain what he had sacrificed here this day, by
> whatever instrumentality was necessary, to once again have a body that
> was more suitable to his needs, one that was real and alive, not this
> pathetic ectoplasmic puppet he was now forced to inhabit to survive.

This seems a little too much like a straight forward summary of exactly
what Kain is going to do, (or has done once we get to the future again),
rather than his thoughts.  You might want to try and integrate this better
or even just do a skipping stone collage of scenes or something to show
this instead.

This is actually the fourth version of this scene that I did.  In the original two versions that I did, I had something else in mind, and I was going to have the Shogun's later self jump back to this time from the moment of his death in the future when he was run over by a bus.  The interesting thing about this option, since I am already using parallel timelines, was that this jump would have initiated the original timesplit that eventually gave birth to the two daughter timelines that in turn gave birth to both Scholar-Ranma and Scholar-Ranko respectively.  Then, Scholar-Ranko jumps across time with her sliders-like device after Scholar-Ranma has already changed events using the resonator, thus completing the loop in history.  The irony here would have been that if the Shogun did not jump back, then he would not have been slain.  I eventually changed my mind on this option, since it felt too tightly tied to DB Sommer's Shampoo 1/2 series.  Using Kain lets me reset everything as I like and gives me an interesting twist on the major villain of the piece.

A good choice for a major (the major?) villain though.

Thanks.

> arrival, Ryoko turned to face her enemy, and they clashed together in
> fierce and blood-soaked battle.  But, armed with the power of his holy
> blade, Tenshi-ken, Yosho proved an equal match for the fearsome might
> of Ryoko.

Should that be Tenshi-ken or Tenchi-ken?  Not sure if the change is deliberate
for some reason.  If it's a mistake it happens a few times further on as
well.

I goofed on the spelling here.

All around a nice chapter, though I would have liked to have seen some more of
Ranma, he hasn't been a major focus in either this or the last chapter really.
The twist with Gosunkugi was interesting, especially as I was expecting him to
summon some truly dark monster of some sort.

More on Gos is coming, and next chapter will focus back on Ranma and his doings.

I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.

Hopefully, it will not be as long in coming.

Steve
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