DB Sommer wrote:

Getting to the rest of this, as promised.

   I am so hung-over it's not even funny. I hope I was supposed to post
this today.

I hope it was all written before you got hung over. Of course finishing it
outright drunk would be worse.

  Does this LOOK like it was written by a sober man? ;)

  No, I don't write fics when I'm drunk, just make a nuisance of myself on IRC.

Inchoatus Ludus

I tried one of those. Had flashbacks for years. My advice is to stick with
the brown acid and forget that exotic crap.

  I see.

Keiichi staggered to a halt, blinking blearily. What had happened?
His hands were blackened with grease, and pocked with shallow gouges.
His jeans were worn through at the knees, and the pain there told him
that he had likely hurt himself somehow.

Obviously Mara plays rough.

  Not the connotation I was thinking of, but that kinda works. :p

Yet... he couldn't remember. Why, he asked himself, was the world
such a scary and unfriendly place?

He had sex with a hot demoness and he thinks the world is a 'scary and
unfriendly place'? I wouldn't mind my luck running so south. :)

  Well, you have to have extreme enough luck to attract a goddess like Belldandy, first. Otherwise you'll just get Senbei, and I don't think that's what you want at all.

home." He managed exactly three steps before a pain in his ankle made
him limp, and he hissed in pain,

Two 'pain's close together. I'd change one of them. Maybe 'agony' of the
second.

  Whoops! Will adjust.

Skuld grimaced, and frowned at Banpei. "Sorry," she explained,
pulling the robot to one side, "but I think... one of his capacitors
burned out, and he thinks you're..."

gay.'

^_^

  Ouch. Now wouldn't _that_ be a sad story? Unless Keiichi only wished for Belldandy to be near him for cover, and then... ouch.

shook her head. "I'll look at him later." She paused, staring at Banpei
in consternation. "How did that happen? I thought..." she trailed off,
shaking her head. "Time enough to worry about that later, she grumbled,
turning back to Keiichi.

she blinked. She paused. She etc. I'd try starting at least two of the
sentences with other words

  Bleah. I try to avoid that, but missed it this time.

  And I forgot a close quote, too.

   Skuld frowned, peering between Keiichi,

'peering between Keiichi'? That really doesn't sound right.

  The sentence lacks structural stability. Will remodel.

on the verge of sobbing, as

not sure if you need that comma

  Good point.

Urd calmed herself slightly, and shook her head quickly.

I'd drop 'slightly'

  Will do.

like that," she muttered. "He'll stop showing up like _that_ after he's
been away from Mara for a few days. It's just a side-effect."

Of course, she's forgetting that he registered BEFORE his encounter with
Mara.

  Convenient, isn't it?

She smiled brightly at Urd, offering a cup of tea, which the eldest
of the three sisters accepted, wondering what to say. That Belldandy
would forgive it, she had no doubt. Keiichi had obviously been spelled

Heh. Or is Keiichi himself the spell and what lurks beneath the reality?

  That's a tricky one.

She smiled. At least he hadn't tried to call her anything less
personal. "Keiichi, I wanted to tell you... tell you that I trust you."

Belldandy: I'm helplessly gullible that way.

  Ouch.

He looked up at the questioning tone in her voice, flinching when he
met her eyes. "Yes?" he managed, not looking away."

Stray quote

  Nah, fell down from earlier in the story. Shouldn't use cheap glue in these fics...

He stared at her blankly for a moment, seemingly in shock, before he
found the impetus to move again, and fumbled briefly in one pocket.
"Um," he mumbled, "I... Belldandy? I know that, well, this isn't really
the time for it, but I need to ask you, and if I don't do it now, I...
I..." He trailed off, shaking nervously, and withdrew a hand from his
pocket, clenched tightly.

Oh, if she's willing to forgive this, she'll accept. Best to strike now
while the iron's hot.

  Yeah, but then, this is Keiichi 'Shinji's got more balls than me' Morisato. He's STILL in need of more confidence.

must locate someone. The way is hidden, and couched in

riddles...

Just like my speech.

  Yeah, I just love that whole archaic mode of speech...

Megumi nodded solemnly, and Urd sighed in relief at Keiichi's easy
acceptance of the situation. "Yes," the Concept explained slowly,

what 'Concept'? Not clear who you mean. Didn't think Urd qualified as one.

  Urd doesn't, Megumi does. Will clarify, though.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, and a soft glow formed
about her. After a moment, she spoke, though the voice what

'was' I think you mean.

  Whoops!

wholly Megumi's, "There lives a boy, and he is the recipient of both a
Fate and a Destiny... Fated to change the world, Destined to die.

Most people tend to do that eventually, though.

  Yeah, but most of them don't get to have the personal attention of a Concept. :p

Holding hands in a circle with the other women, Megumi put Keiichi
out of her mind. He was not Fated or Destined that _she_ knew of, and
couldn't possibly be worth Destiny's time to conceal... he would be in
no danger as long as he stayed within the temple.

Heh. Presumption is the mother of all f*ck up's. :)

  As we begin to see.

"Well, well..." Keiichi's grin widened. "Choji, hmm? I think that
Sannosuke is the King, and unless I miss my mark, Mizuumino would be his
Lancelot. Excellent."

Mizuumino: Guess again, honey. I don't swing that way. Only guys for me,
natch. I'll be staying loyal to the king this time around.

  Hah!

The darkness before them seemed to coalesce into a pair of forms,
one of them a woman, glancing briefly at the boys, then away. The other
scanned about himself, seemingly unconcerned as the lights flickered
back on, banishing the darkness -- but neither of the pair.

Awkward. Not sure what you're saying here.

  I could make this even harder to read, you know. But I'll be nice and fix it, since I don't think I'd get a lot of C&C on an entire fic in Latin.

The man himself

I'd drop this 'himself'

  Mmm.... okay.

The man grimaced distastefully, and shook his head. "Nothing to
concern either of you... put away your weapons." And with that, he
vanished, disappearing into the night that had seemingly given him up in
the first place.

Heh. Cute. Looks like he's too presumptive for his own good too.

  Note that people with vast phenomenal powers seem to be pretentious a lot. Must be a problem with the way I write. :p

A circle of iron. Rules were rules, after all... Alighting on a
rooftop, she extended one hand towards the circle of iron within the
stone. Circles could amplify her power just enough -- if her master
truly _would_ lend her the power...

Odd. I thought iron was anathema to demons, though.

  I thought it was silver. I know a lot of older stories actually mention lead seals, though modern day story-writers like to use gems and precious metals. Hmm...

Feeling the betrayal washing from each of them was more than reward
enough -- they had known. They had to have known. There were more than
enough signs, as much as he had tried to hide it, save... they hadn't
_wanted_ to see the truth. "There is no 'Keiichi', not as you have known
him."

Ah. So I was right.

  Yes indeed! You get a prize: C&C on a fic you write. This cupon non-transferable, and non-refundable.

And Megumi, so confused, her integration much less... planned than
his.

Again awkward. Not sure what you're trying to say.

  Neither am I, so I guess asking me is out. Will reword.

They shared a nod, and this time Sannosuke led the charge, moving in
from the creature's new blind spot.

Heh. Looks like he underestimated them a second time.

  Lots of that going around.

Urd frowned nodding. "Well... yes."

   Keiichi snorted, turning away from her to face Skuld.

   ***

Don't need the stars there.

 

He shook his head, dismissing her. "It is of no import. My vengeance
is come, and will not be halted."

   Belldandy stepped forward, shaking her head slowly. "Keiichi," she
warned, look behind you."

warned, "look

  D'oh!

Urd felt her jaw drop, as Skuld and Megumi joined her in gawking at
Belldandy. Even Keiichi was stunned, his eyes widened. "What? How... how
long have you... you knew I was Destiny?" he asked, panic tingeing his
voice.

Hmm. Since he can get so angry at being deceived, it does follow he might
fell joy at being shown faith.

  He's still got feelings.

The energy faded, and Keiichi was left to stare blankly again.
"No..." he whispered, shaking his head. "Mara!" Summoned, the demoness
reappeared, seemingly stunned herself. Not giving her enough time to
react, he wrapped an arm about her, and in an implosion of shadow... was
gone.

Hmm. Interesting. That felt like the climax, but we shall see.

  That's... that's about it.

She smiled softly, and beckoned him to follow her, walking to the
shallow courtyard fountain. "Now, I give you a new weapon, since you
have lost your own." So saying, she produced a wooden blade from a burst
of light in the depths of the fountain.

Wooden? Heh.

  Was a reference to ab celtic legend, actually, not a Japanese one. I forget the name of the hero, and the name of the blade, but there was an old fable of a hero with a wooden sword who slew a great demon with it... or some such. Maybe it was a dragon.

  I keep wanting to say it's the Glyswynder, but I'm reasonably sure that's completely wrong.

was far too shallow to conceal such a thing. "Name this weapon as you
see fit."

Sannosuke: I shall name it, "My Really Cool Blade That Can Kick Ass Even If
It Is Just A Giant Splinter."

Megumi struck him in the head.

Sannosuke: Or I could name it 'Chuck.'

  Hehe...

He stared at the blade, considering, as the other three women
converged on some point further away, whispering softly and worriedly
with one another. "I name it... 'Hoshi-no-shinzou',"

Which means to us?

  That the author's a pretentious sot. This has been established. ;)

Nice way to see love conquering all, unless you have a surprise waiting in
the epilogue.

  Probably not.

  Thank you again for taking the time to C&C this for me!

D.B. Sommer