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Afterimage
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
standard disclaimers

Notes: Thanks to Lyra Stormrider and Alan Harnum for
graciously prereading this for me.   Yes, I know I
dabble in enough fandoms and should finish some of my
other stories, but this has been one of my pet
projects for the past few months.

Dedicated to Gerald Tarrant, who some would say is my
better half.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Part One: Phantasmic Reality

*Countdown: 2:00:00*

I had been dreaming recently.

Most people would think that wasn't that remarkable,
but then again, most people didn't know me.   I didn't
dream; I lived in a reality so precise that everything
I did reflected it.   

Music I adored, not for its artistic merit, but rather
for the mathematical quality inherent in its notes.  
Piano was my favorite, as the notes were so staccato
that they left no memory in the air- not like most
stringed instruments, which continued to vibrate well
after the note should have been forgotten.  I used to
be quite a pianist, but that was a while ago.   It had
been two years since I had sat at the bench, caressing
the ivory keys that brought life to so many songs.  

Fencing, too, used to occupy my time.  That was
predictable, each stroke and parry part of some great
dance that I could calculate.   Mind and body would
unite, and in the salle I excelled. Still, as with my
music, I had lapsed, and grown out of practice.  

I sometimes wondered what had changed.   Many things,
myself most of all.   But I did not know the reasons
for the change, and I wished the answers would come to
me.   X=Y.  Cause=Effect.  I had seen the effect, but
what was the cause?

Yet it is the dreams that worried me.   I do not
dream.  Still, I have vague glimpses of a girl in a
boy's uniform, long pink hair fluttering behind her
like a banner.   Roses, blue roses.  An impossible
castle that hovers in the sky, always just beyond
reach.  And The Sunlit Garden plays eternally.

Freud believed that dreams are the window to the
unconscious.   Is that true?   I wonder.  What was my
subconscious trying to tell me?   What was so blasted
important that it disturbed my rest?

Perhaps it is because I returned.  I never should have
accepted Kiryuu Nanami's invitation to play at her
graduation party.  Still, I owed her a favor, and now
my debt is clear.  I will have nothing to do with her
again.

Juri was worried when I told her I would be returning
to our Alma Mater, for Nanami had, in her own
inexplicable way, decided to host it there.  Juri had
been against me accepting the invitation, but I went
anyway.   So much of my past was at Ohtori Academy, a
past I could not leave behind, but could not recall
either.


*1:32:12*


I arrived early to check the piano.   Nanami herself
greeted me at the door, acting sweetly pleased.   She
had grown into a true lady, a golden rose that was as
deadly as it was enticing.   Her hair was loose to her
waist, a cascade of sunshine.  She kissed both of my
cheeks, a floral perfume assaulting my senses as drew
close to me.  "Miki!" she said.  "You haven't been
around in ages."   She frowned up at me, placing her
slender hands on slender hips.

I laughed to shrug away her acusation, and headed into
her ballroom, knowing that she would likely forget
about me now that I was here and she had what she
wanted.   Nanami is Nanami, after all, and there's no
reason for her to change.   Her methods had always
gotten her what she had wanted before.   Why change
what works?

The grand piano was just as I remembered it, made of
cherry wood.   I ran my hand over the gracefully
arched lid, smiling as I recalled playing it.   I
wondered why had I grown so far apart from the music
as I carefully adjusted the leather-padded bench.  I
hit a few chords, pleased to see that someone had been
keeping it in tune.  Nanami, perhaps?

Miraculously, in spite of my neglect, none of my skill
seemed to desert me.   My fingers began to move in
familiar patterns, and before I knew it, I was playing
a melody that had haunted my dreams- a violent melody
that spoke of anger, hatred, and possibilities.   Such
a dichotomy...


*1:16:52*


I'm not sure how long I played for before someone
touched my shoulder.   I'm not sure who I was
expecting to see,  but Saionji Kyouichi would have
been on the bottom of the list.   He and Kiryuu Touga
had always been rivals, no matter what claim to
friendship they may have made for the other.   He
focused his brilliant eyes on me, and I looked up at
him, ending the song with an abrupt flourish.   I
doubt many people noticed.   I had already played a
complete set.

"Can I get you something to drink?" he asked, resting
his hand on my shoulder.

"No," I replied coolly, trying to unobtrusively shrug
him off of me.   Saionji and Touga had always radiated
a casual sensuality that made me uncomfortable.  
Everything they did seemed to have a sexual invitation
laced through it, and I am sure either one would...
jump my bones, as my sister would say, should I give
them the slightest indication of interest.  And that,
to use another Kozue saying, was a can of worms I
didn't even WANT to consider opening.

Saionji smiled, the sly, slightly superior smile that
only he could do.   He ran his fingertips along the
fine silk of my shirt, over my back and to my other
shoulder.  "Calm down, Miki," he whispered softly into
my ear, his breath hot against my cheek.  "You're like
a skittish colt," he practically purred.   "Didn't we
used to be... friends?"

"Horses have good instincts for people, and you were
never my friend."   I picked up his hand and shoved it
off, rising to my feet.   

It must have been almost two years since I had seen
him, and I was surprised by the fact that I was almost
able to look him in the eye.   I remembered being so
much shorter than almost all my fellow Student Council
members.   Even Nanami had been of a height with me,
but that was no longer the truth.   I guess there's
nothing like going back to realize how much you've
gone forward.

I nodded at Nanami, who was surrounded by her usual
coterie of admirers.   Shifting my eyes to the door, I
silently made clear my intention to leave her party.  
Nanami scowled for an instant, then broke free of her
flock.   A pleasant smile graced her features, and for
the second time that evening, I reflected on how
beautiful she had grown.   Too bad she wasn't the same
on the inside, or I might have seriously considered
dating her.

No, that's harsh.  Nanami is a special person, but
part of her has been twisted... but I know she cares. 
 I remember seeing her with her flunky, Mitsuru...
remember how he used to follow her around wanting
nothing more than her attention.   She would give it
to him, and part of me remembers... something else.  
There had been something special, but I can't
remember.

My memories are flawed.

"Are you leaving so soon, Miki?" she asked.   Her
beautiful lavender eyes were wide with hurt, and some
of it may have been real.  

"I played for your party, Nanami... it's time for me
to go home.   I have a long trip ahead of me."

She looked at me, her mouth parted slightly.   I could
almost see the protest form in her eyes.   "At least
stay until the gifts have been exchange!" she
protested.

"Exchanged?" I asked in surprise.   That implied that
someone besides Nanami would be receiving a gift, and
that just didn't fit with what I remember of her.

Maybe she had changed.

"I'm not the only one graduating.   If you would have
been normal, you'd be graduating with me."

"I AM graduating this year!" I protested.

"From college.   With your Doctorate.  It's not the
same thing," she argued.   "Please, Miki?   Stay for
another half an hour?"

I sighed and nodded my agreement, and Nanami rewarded
me with a smile as bright as her hair.   "Good!   I
have something for you!"

I blinked, unable to prevent myself.   "Something for
me?" I echoed rather dumbly.

"Yes, yes!" she said with impatience, catching my arm
and pulling me out towards the balcony.    On the way
she signaled one of her servants, and the man gave her
a low bow, obviously having been prepped by his
mistress for this signal, and rushed over to her with
a long, narrow box in his hands.   She took it from
him, dismissed him with a flick of her fingers, and
smiled at me.   For once her smile was shy, and I was
surprised.   She didn�t look like the empress who had
ruled Ohtori through fear; no, now she looked like a
shy girl who wasn�t exactly sure how her gift would be
received.

�I don�t have a gift for you, Nanami,� I said warily,
worried about possibly getting into her debt again.

Her lavender eyes flashed.  �Miki, can�t a friend just
give another a gift?�

�It�s not like you,� I answered dryly.

�How would you know?   Since you graduated Ohtori, I
haven�t seen you.�   She sounded genuinely hurt.

Had that hurt her? I wondered, and was surprised to
see that it had.   Then again, Nanami had few friends,
and fewer still were the people she could be honest
with.   �I�m sorry, Nanami, but� I don�t like it here.
  Bad memories, I guess.�

She shivered, even though the air outside wasn�t that
cold.   �Don�t you mean lack of memories?� she
demanded, and suddenly she focused on me with
frightened intensity.   �What happened, Miki?�

I felt the blood drain from my face.   �What do you
mean?� I whispered.

�You know� seventh grade.   What happened that year?�
she replied.   She grabbed my hand.

�Touga got sick and you assumed his place on the
Student Council,� I answered, hoping that would be
explanation enough.

�No�.� she said, shaking her head.  �No, no, no!  
That�s not what happened!  Why do I have dreams?�

�Dreams?� I parroted rather dumbly. "Well, Freud
believed that-"

�I dream of cats, and golden flowers, and a girl I
don�t know.   I dream��

�Why do you think I know?� I asked.

�Because I dream of you, with another girl.   Do you
remember Himemiya Anshi?  The one who was always in
the greenhouse?�

�She wasn�t here that long, but I remember having a
bit of a crush on her,� I said.  Vaguely I recalled
turquoise eyes and tightly bound purple hair.   

�You were obsessed,� Nanami said cruelly.  

�Was I?� I asked, disconcerted yet again.  This wasn�t
how I�d pictured the evening going.   Nanami was
celebrating her graduation by arguing with me?   
Unbelievable, but that�s what had happened.

�You were� can�t you remember?� she begged.

I shut my eyes.   �I�m sorry, Nanami, but that was a
long time ago.�

She thrust the package she had brought outside with
her at me.  �I thought of you when I saw this,� she
said.

I smiled gratefully for the change in topic and slowly
unwrapped the paper.   It looked like it might contain
a fencing foil, and I resolved to thank her, then
throw the thing away into my closet as soon as I got
home.   I didn�t fence anymore.  Kozue had argued with
me about that.

As I unveiled it, I was surprise to see it packed in
fresh blue rose petals.   Surely Nanami had guessed-
there was no way she could have known that blue roses
were haunting my dreams.   The scent was eerily
familiar.   Why would roses unnerve me so? I wondered.
  Certainly blue roses were rare, but�

I found the hilt, and before I knew it, it was in my
hand.  Then I dropped it just as soon as I recognized
what it was.

The Sword of Dios.

�Damn you, Nanami,� I whispered.

She held up a hand, which I noticed was wearing the
rose signet that student council alumni were given. 
�You remember that thing, don�t you?� she demanded.

�Damn you!� I exclaimed.   �You lured me here!�

Her eyes were pleading.   �I have to know!   Having
these holes in my memory- I can�t live like this! 
Oniisama doesn�t seem to mind, and Saionji is
brainless as ever, but� surely you and Juri know
something is wrong!   Doesn�t it bother you?�

�No,� I replied coolly.

�Miki, please!� she exclaimed, catching a hold of me
by my jacket.
	
I didn't mean to do it.  I've never done it
before--not to anyone--but without thinking I gave her
a sharp slap across the face.
	
Nanami cried out and stumbled backwards, clutching her
cheek in astonishment.   She had never seen me like
this, out of control and angry.   �I�m leaving,� I
announced; the voice didn't seem my own.

I felt her gaze on my back as I left the party.


*00:46:03*


Juri hadn�t been happy with me.   Rather than go home
immediately, I headed out to her apartment to talk to
her.   Whenever I was confused, I always went to Juri.
  

Juri lived in an apartment building with amazing
security, yet they all knew me there.   I was a
frequent visitor; perhaps Juri�s only regular visitor.
  She didn�t make friends easily, and I doubted that
she ever would.  She was undeniably the most beautiful
woman I had ever seen, yet there was always a core of
ice around her.   I was one of the few she let close,
and not even I had seen the real Arisagawa Juri.

I waved to the doorman as I walked into the building,
and he tried to hide a slight smile beneath the brim
of his cap by lowering his head slightly.   I wasn't a
fool; I was well aware that many believed I was Juri's
boy-toy, but that didn't bother me.   In a way, it was
flattering that people would believe that I was worthy
of her.
	
Juri seemed to be waiting for me- she appeared almost
instantly when I knocked on the apartment door.  
"Come in, Miki," she said in her velvety voice.

I blushed in embarrassment as I did as she asked.  
"I'm sorry for disturbing you, it's just-"

"It's just that you went to the party and found
something there you didn't like," she said, quiet and
knowledgeable as ever.  "Touga called- he's rather
annoyed at you for slapping Nanami, though she
wouldn't tell him what she'd done to set you off."

I looked at her, trying to find words.   "I didn't
mean to- I mean, Nanami-"

"I told you not to go.   Sometimes the past is best
left there," she said.   She pulled me inside and
locked the door, making me jump at how resoundingly
FINAL it sounded.   "I'll make some tea."

I shivered slightly as I slid off my shoes and on a
pair of the slippers Juri had left out for guests.  
The light blue matched my hair perfectly, and I knew
she had bought them with me in mind; after all, I was
one of her only visitors.  Still, something about
Juri's tone hadn't reassured me.   She was going to
have one of her "talks" with me, and I rarely liked
those.   In high school, she had reduced a teacher to
tears... things hadn't improved since then.  She had a
sharp tongue on her.  If she'd been born two centuries
earlier, no man would marry her.  

Juri came back out with the formal tea set and I felt
the lump in the pit of my stomach grow even larger.  
This was bad.  She was bringing out the big guns.

I'm not a coward; there's few things in this world I
really fear.   Only two come immediately to mind- one
is Kozue (much as I love my sister, I would have to be
crazy not to be scared of what trouble she'll get into
next, since I'm the one who always invariable bails
her out), and the other is Arisugawa Juri.

Anyone with half a brain should be afraid of Juri when
she's annoyed about something, and she was annoyed
with me.   She was hiding it behind a screen of
formality, but I knew that when she had me relaxed,
she would pounce.   The question was when, and if
she'd leave enough of me to get myself home.

Finally she set the fragile cup down and looked at me
with measuring aqua eyes.   I wasn't sure what she was
expecting, so I set my cup down as well (to keep from
spilling the hot tea all over myself) and waiting
patiently.

She was still my sempai, after all.

She spoke after what seemed to be a moment of
eternity.  "Lots of people have wanted to slap Kiryuu
Nanami, myself among them.   I never would have
thought that you would be the one to finally do it."  
She was at her driest, and I was barely able keep from
lifting a hand to loosen the collar which was suddenly
choking me.  "I assume you had reason?" 

"I-I..." I stuttered, feeling a flush creep up my
cheeks.  I was always lousy at explaining myself.

"Start slowly," she advised.

I took a deep breath, the way my singing teachers had
always taught me.   Deep in through the diaphragm,
feel the ribcage expand, then concentrate.   The old
practice soothed me and I met her eyes steadily.   

"Juri, what do you remember of my seventh grade year?"
I demanded.

She blinked, apparently wondering where this was
going.   "Well, we were on the Student Council
together.   Touga got sick, Nanami filled in for him,
Saionji got expelled then readmitted-"

"Juri, what did the student council do?" I pressed.

"The normal things a student council does.  I can't
believe you hit Nanami over a grudge from seventh
grade."

"Juri, Nanami gave me the Sword of Dios," I said
grimly.

She didn't appear to have heard me.   "What?"

"She gave me the Sword of Dios," I said softly, "or
something so close to it that I couldn't tell the
difference."

Her eyes were uncomprehending.   "What are you talking
about?"

I couldn't believe what I did next.   I leaned across
the table and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to
meet my eyes.   My fingers dug deeply into her tender
skin, and I knew I was leaving bruises behind, but I
couldn't find it in my heart to give a damn.   This
was JURI, and for  her to look at me like a mindless
doll hurt something deep inside my soul.   I shook
her, and she stared at me in amazement.   She had
never seen me so violent.   I was gentle, soft-spoken
Miki, after all.   "SNAP OUT OF IT!" I commanded,
raising my voice.   "You know what I'm talking about!"

She flinched, and I was pained to see the confusion in
her eyes.  Juri pulled away from me with enough force
to send me off-balance, and I barely caught myself
before crashing into the table.  She clenched her
forehead as though it was paining her greatly.  She
whimpered, and tears started to form at the corner of
her eyes.

Juri never cried.   I admit to being frightened.

"Juri, I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"Ruka... forgive me, God.   I can't believe I forgot
Ruka...."   The tears spilled over and trailed down
her pale cheeks.  She looked up at me then, and I was
amazed at the deep sorrow there.   "Miki... how could
I forget Ruka?" she demanded.

"Perhaps that was your miracle," I said softly.   "To
forget your pain.   After all, you didn't think about
Shiori either, did you?"

She wiped her eyes with the silken sleeve of her robe,
then looked at me with her composed face.   Her moment
of weakness was over with like it had never been, and
I realized that I had seen something special.   If
Juri hadn't trusted me completely, I never would have
seen it.   I was perhaps the only living person who
had ever seen Juri look so weak.  

"Why couldn't you leave the past where it was?" she
demanded.

"Don't you dream?   Nanami complained of dreams.  I
don't know about you, Juri, but sometimes I wonder if
I'm going mad...."

"Orange roses... an elevator... a girl who believes in
miracles..." she whispered, her eyes focusing on
something that I couldn't see.

"We all remember roses... and we all remember a girl. 
 What's her name?" I demanded, looking at my closest
friend intently.

Juri's brow furrowed as she tried to dredge up the
memory.   "I can't remember," she confessed, and for
her, that was a remarkable concession.   Juri was
smart; not as smart as I was, but smart enough that
she rarely forgot anything.   

"Neither can I, nor can Nanami.  All I know is that I
SHOULD remember her.   And then... Nanami gave me a
sword... a cursed sword that brings only despair.  
The Sword of Dios."

"Dios... God..." she whispered.

"No, he wasn't," I said softly.   "People wanted him
to be, but he was only a prince."  I blinked as I
remembered that.   "But he held much power."

"It was almost enough," she whispered in return.

"But almost doesn't save you from the swords of
humanity's hatred that seek to pierce you," I
continued.

"Almost won't stop the descent into darkness."

"Almost won't stop you from seeing the Ends of the
World."

We blinked at each other for a second, then Juri rose.
  "I have a photo shoot tomorrow so I should be
getting to bed.  Miki, stay in the guest room- I don't
want you driving home when you're this rattled. We can
talk tomorrow."

I agreed easily enough.   


*00:22:69*


I stayed over frequently enough to leave spare
clothing there, for which I was devoutly grateful as I
slipped out of my formal suit.   After calling Kozue
to let her know my whereabouts, I went into the spare
room and settled down in the bed, trying to clear my
mind.   I needed sleep to reconcile my new memories,
and perhaps remember more.

My dreams that night were full of  vivid images, and I
fenced under the upside-down castle.  I had a sword
pulled from my body by Kozue twice- once willingly,
once not.  Twice I failed to achieve my goal, yet each
time, I look into blue eyes that stared at me with
compassion.

Eyes so blue...

I bolted upright out of a dead sleep as I finally fit
the last piece together.   

The Duels....

I had been a duelist, fighting for the power to
revolutionize the world..  


*00:10:00*


Her name� her name had been Tenjou Utena.

And she had changed the world through her absence.  
Without her around, life had lost some of its beauty,
and the world had lost a prince.   And I had lost my
shining thing, though I hadn�t realized it.


*00:00:00*


I want her back.

END PART ONE

Up Next: 
Part Two: Illusory Light
Juri....

=====
"HOW DARE YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE MY SAFFIR-CHAN!"

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