After two weeks of no reply, I have to assume that Finmagik is MIA. So,
without further delay, I present the second public episode of OAV 42!
Now with more readable format! (If you prefer the new format, or if you
preferred the original format, let me know. This one's harder to do, but
if it makes people happy, I'm willing to make the effort.)
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
A NOT SO AVERAGE DAY IN THE LIFE OF GOSUNKUGI...
THE OAVing
NACHO: Welcome, readers, to yet another presentation of OAV 42!
ACE: If you're smart, you'll leave now.
SHEILA: Ace! Is that any way to attract readers?
NACHO: Remember, if we don't get an audience, we don't get paid.
ACE: We don't get paid anyway.
(beat)
NACHO: Anyway, today's story is -
JUNK: Hey! That's a good point! Why do we even bother to do this if we
don't even get paid?
NACHO: Because we like reading fanfiction, and want to give people an
additional reason to read the stories we feature.
ACE AND JUNK: (beat) (collapse laughing)
SHEILA: Nacho... somehow, I think you've failed to impress them.
NACHO: Well, maybe today's story will get them back in a serious mood.
SHEILA: Right... what was the title again?
NACHO: I'm not sure if this is a title, or a review... "A Not So Average
Day in the Life of Gosunkugi..." by Finmagik.
ACE AND JUNK: (laughter doubles in intensity)
JUNK: (drying eyes) This stuff is better than porn! Say it again!
NACHO: "A Not So Average -"
JUNK: No, no! That bit about enjoying fanfiction!
NACHO: (fumes) Look, can we just start the story now?
SHEILA: Go ahead. They'll catch up to us once they mature enough to grow
some testes.
JUNK: (sobers instantly) That was way below the belt, Sheila.
SHEILA: In your case, they're only slightly below.
NACHO: I'm starting the story now, whether you're ready or not.
ACE: (still laughing) Fine, fine. Just let me get a drink of water.
<BEGIN FANFIC>
A Not so average day in the life of Gosunkugi....
ACE: <Gosunkugi> I think today I'll be nice to Ranma...
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Well, what do you know? My voodoo spell worked!
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Hey, it's Friday!
SHEILA: ... how is that "not so average?"
NACHO: Well, it only happens one day out of seven!
by Finmagik
NACHO: Wasn't he Vroomfondel's partner?
ACE: No, that was Majikthise.
JUNK: Oh, for a girl with those magic thighs...
Discalmer: The characters in this story are owned and
Created by Rumkio Takahashi
NACHO: Popular manga artist Rumiko Takahashi has had her name changed?
This is exciting news!
SHEILA: Yep... I'm definitely discalmed.
Rating: pg-13
wARNING: HUMOR
SHEILA: Thanks for the warning...
ACE: Beware! This fic may actually be funny!
NACHO: Any resemblance to real humor, living or otherwise, is purely
coincidental.
SHEILA: Humorous materials are not appropriate for children under 13.
?Feh.?
NACHO: ?
SHEILA: ??
ACE: ????
JUNK: !
NACHO: What?
JUNK: Oh. Sheila's looked like a pair of boobs.
NACHO: Well... it looks like someone tried to send text in a non-ASCII
approved format.
ACE: I like it! It's a bold statement against standardization.
NACHO: What's wrong with standardization?
ACE: It's a work of evil! Computer users of the world, unite! Download
my non-standardized software and distribute it worldwide!
SHEILA: Um, Ace...
ACE: Shut up! I'm well aware of the irony!
Was Gosunkugi?s only comment as he hit the
alarm clock?s snooze button again.
ACE: It was, however, quickly followed by ?Dammit! Why hasn?t this
stupid thing stopped beeping yet??
SHEILA: You don't have to non-ASCII-cize your own quotation marks, Ace.
ACE: I?ll non-ASCII-cize anything I spoony well please!
NACHO: "Spoony?"
ACE: I do, however, fully support censorship laws. As long as they?re
not standardized.
He pulled the
pillow over his head and attempted to get some
sleep. Go back to those nice dreams.
NACHO: <Finmagik> Yes, reader... fall asleep. Go back to whatever dream
you were having...
SHEILA: I bet Gosunkugi dreams of being smothered with a pillow...
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Wait! This isn?t a dream! HELP! HELP! I?M BEING
SUFFOCATED!
NACHO: <Gos' Mother> What? I can't hear you with that pillow over your
face!
He closed his
eyes...
SHEILA: Well, if the main character is sleeping through the entire
story...
ACE: Sure, I can take a hint. (falls asleep)
?Oh, I you?re just so wonderful!?
NACHO: I you see how many subjects in that sentence?
SHEILA: We I can't count the one with the question mark in it, can we
us?
Akane clung to his
arm. He smiled, he was a few inches taller then her
now.
JUNK: (wakes Ace) Come on, this is the good part! Akane in full
out-of-character love mode!
ACE: (sleepily) It?s only a dream sequence, Junk.
NACHO: Unfortunately for Gosunkugi, the voodoo spell that was supposed
to make Akane fall in love with him only made him grow a few inches
taller every time he smiled.
JUNK: The next time he flipped through his Akane photo album, his head
smashed through the bedroom roof!
?No, you?re wonderful.?
NACHO: <Akane> No, YOU'RE wonderful!
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> No, I insist that YOU'RE the wonderful one!
NACHO: <Akane> I can't be wonderful... YOU'RE wonderful!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Impossible... I?m slime compared to you!
SHEILA: <Akane> (pause) You know something... you're right! I don't know
what I ever saw in you anyway. (leaves dream)
He said they walked on through
a field of flowers.
NACHO: <Akane> Weren't we just in your bedroom?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> No, I said we walked through a field of flowers, so by
deity, we just walked through a field of flowers!
NACHO: Someone stop him from reading Adventurers while we're trying to
do this!
?I?m glad I finally got rid of that other guy, that
jerk what was his name?? Akane asked.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Ranma? Kuno? Ryoga?
ACE: <Akane> No... Gosunkugi. That was it.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> But I'm right here...
ACE: <Akane> Oh, Gosunkugi! I was just discussing what a jerk you were
with my fianc?, Ranma.
?Oh, it doesn?t matter Darling. We can?t remember such
fools.? Gosunkugi smiled again.
NACHO: By now, he's a major candidate for the NBA.
ACE: As long as they don?t mind finding straw effigies nailed to the
backboards before every game.
?No I guess it doesn?t.? Akane smiled.
SHEILA: So, what happens when Akane smiles?
ACE: Ranma asks her why she?s making that goofy face and gets punted.
?Let?s kiss.?
NACHO: All those question marks make her seem really unsure about this.
JUNK: And with good reason. Gosunkugi's so shriveled, he doesn't HAVE
lips! It'd be just like kissing an -
SHEILA: Ugh. Thank you for NOT giving me that horrible image EVER again!
She closed her eyes, he closed his, and their lips
were just about to touch when....
NACHO: The author remembered that this fic is rated PG13, so kissing
isn't allowed.
JUNK: Censorship takes the fun out of everything!
ACE: It spoony well does not!
?HIKARU WAKE UP!?
NACHO: Please?!
ACE: Are you still alive?!
SHEILA: No?!
ALL: Good!!
His mother. He removed the pillow
and sat up blinking. As she stood in the doorway.
NACHO: Wearing her casual dress.
ACE: With the buttons on the left side.
SHEILA: Of the blouse.
ACE: Which was blue.
SHEILA: With purple stripes.
NACHO: And was sewn together entirely of sentence fragments.
?Oh,
good you?re up. I wouldn?t want
you to be late for school.?
SHEILA: <Mother> The thought of having to spend even one minute more
than I have to with you makes me want to tear my hair out at its roots!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> But mother... you?re bald!
SHEILA: <Mother> It happened during that tragic period when you missed
the bus three days in a row back in second grade...
School, one of the reasons, he would like to go back
to sleep.
NACHO: Often, words, we would like to replace, commas.
ACE: Sadly, that, not very good grammar.
JUNK: Woman, bed, whipped cream, metal bit from very large pencil.
SHEILA: What the... never mind, don't want, know.
Not that he was a bad student. No, he was
doing well enough.
ACE: ?D? is for ?Diploma!?
It was well his social life or
lack of it.
NACHO: Are we missing some punctuation here?
ACE: ?It was well, his social life or lack of it.?
SHEILA: Even if the guy was a total social misfit, all was well...
right...
The other students, didn?t like him
because he was different, he practiced magic, looked a
bit to disheveled and wasn?t a Bishenion.
NACHO: <Other students> You're different! You have a really long and
complicated name, like Tatewaki Kuno!
ACE: <Other students> Not the rabbit out of a hat trick again, Hikaru!
NACHO: <Miss Hinako> Hikaru Gosunkugi, you bad boy! Are you looking out
the window at that disheveled walkway again?
ACE: ... that was really bad.
NACHO: Well, there's only so much you can say about the "to/too/two"
error.
SHEILA: What are we going to do about "Bishenion?"
ACE: Move it to queen's rook 5.
Ugh, school.
Well there was Akane She lit up his whole day.
ACE: <Ranma> Hey, Gosunkugi. Whatcha lookin? at?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> That new exchange student from Korea, Akane She.
Isn't she something?
The
though of seeing her face, made him leap out of
bed...then he tripped on the sheets and fell flat on
his
face.
SHEILA: What were his sheets doing on the floor in the first place?
JUNK: Tell me about it! Gosunkugi did NOT score, that's for sure!
It took him an hour to get dressed, eat breakfast,
get his stuff together and was about to run a comb
through his hair, well he was about to then he looked
in
the mirror his collar was unbuttoned, he tried to
button it, but didn?t work, no buttons.
NACHO: (takes deep breath) Well, what can you say about a sentence like
this first of all, it wouldn't take an hour just to get dressed, eat
breakfast, get stuff together and be about to run a comb through your
hair but look in the mirror instead, and why didn't he notice all
through breakfast that his collar was unbuttoned, don't you always
button it while you're putting your shirt on, or at least notice that
there are no buttons before trying to button it, was that what took an
hour, trying to button a shirt with no buttons?
ACE: (pats Nacho on the back) Good job, buddy. Take five.
Mother said
she?d sew them on but, they weren?t.
JUNK: And it's a good thing, too! Imagine having buttons sewn to your
butt!
SHEILA: "But" wasn't misspelled, Junk.
JUNK: Hey, I'm all over misplaced commas too!
NACHO: And we all thought he was totally uneducated...
He scowled at the
collar. First they didn?t have uniform in his size, so
he had to wear a size bigger, and then It fell apart!
NACHO: It was going so well, until the ending... and at the final
confrontation with Pennywise, the story just completely fell apart!
SHEILA: And what does that have to do with the uniform being a size too
big?
JUNK: To compensate, he wears underwear that's a size too small.
NACHO: No wonder he's got such a short fuse. Ouch!
He got out the door with his mother calling: ?HAVE A
NICE DAY HIKI-CHAN!? Rather loudly.
SHEILA: <Hikaru> Dammit, why does she like my little sister Hiki-chan
more than me?
He hoped to
Kami-sama, that the thugs lounging on the
corner hadn?t...
ACE: Spilt their lemonade down the front of their Hawaiian shirts, thus
putting them in a bad enough mood to order the poolside attendants to
attack Gosunkugi with their palm frond fans.
?Well, hello there Hiki-chan!? One them said, smirking
and chuckling.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> (spins around) Hiki-chan! Your school is in the
other direction! Quit following me!
He looked around, five of them, much
taller and bulkier then he was closing in.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Let's see... five of them, each taller and bulkier
than any of the others... obviously, there is only one possible course
of action.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> (closes in)
NACHO: Ah, the joys of freely inserting commas wherever we feel like it.
?Hey, there Hiki-chan, how about you give us you?re
money there.?
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Hiki-chan, give the nice man your money so he won't
beat us up...
One sneered.
ACE: The others merely grimaced.
?Or else...? Another thug, said pounding his fist into
his had.
NACHO: (blinks) Can I even begin to say what's wrong with this sentence?
ACE: Relax, it?s just missing a letter. I?ll put it back for you.
OAV> ?Or else...? Another thug, said pounding his fist into
OAV> his head.
ACE: Much better.
SHEILA: Ace, why is that thug pounding himself in the head?
ACE: More satisfying than beating up Gos, that?s for sure.
?Ummmm money...?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> What makes you think I have any money?
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Yeah, if I HAD money, don't you think I could afford
buttons for my school uniform?
ACE: <Thug> Hmmm... good point. All right. We?ll just beat you up a
little, and then you can go.
He knew this was the time to fight or
flee. Since he was out numbered and vastly out gunned.
ACE: Whereas, if he wasn?t outnumbered and outgunned, he?d have to wait
until they brought reinforcements before fighting or fleeing.
NACHO: They have guns?
He decided to flee. ?Here it is!? He
threw a few coins out and they scrambled to pick them
up.
SHEILA: If he's going to flee, why is he giving them what they want?
NACHO: I think it's a distraction tactic.
SHEILA: Doubtful. If he's still got any money, they'll leave what's on
the ground where it is and go after the rest of it.
ACE: Maybe they?ll leave one guy behind to pick up what he dropped. Four
bullies would be more than enough to beat up Gos.
NACHO: Bullies are too stupid to think in intelligent terms like those.
ACE: So?s Gos, as far as I knew.
He ran.
?Come back, here, now!? One called.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Okay. (goes back)
ACE: He is... The One.
But he ran until breathless he was through the school
gates. And there was Akane!
ACE: <Akane> (taps Gosunkugi on the shoulder) Um, Gosunkugi? Why are you
holding your breath?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (thinking) She talked to me! She TALKED to me! Now...
what did she say? (face begins to turn blue) Something about... holding
her?
Oh, wow, that was amazing
luck! And she saw him! Yeah!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> I was worried that invisibility potion I drank
yesterday might have had lasting aftereffects!
?Good morning Hikaru.? She said, it sent his heart a
fluttering.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Excuse me for a moment, Akane. My heart just burst
fluttering out of my chest, and I've got to go catch it before it lodges
itself in a tree again.
NACHO: <Shao Khan> FATALITY.
He?d have to say good morning back.
?Oh, umm Good-morn-ing.?
ACE: ... Wow. He managed to get out a complete sentence in Akane?s
presence. And it?s the sentence he was trying to get out, as well.
NACHO: (nods) He's improving.
He spat out.
JUNK: <Akane> Eeeuuuwww! All over my new uniform! What did you do that
for, you jerk?
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> I wanted to see what you'd look like in wet
clothing... I mean, uh... duh...
?Yo, Gosunkugi.? He cringed at the sound of that
voice.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> It knows my name... it has power over me!
Ranma Saotome! He snarled.
ACE: He?s in the Cat-Fist already? An abrupt start to the action portion
of the fic...
An scowled and
Ranma, who didn?t see him scowling.
NACHO: ...
NACHO: ...
NACHO: ...
NACHO: Nope, sorry. I still don't see a sentence in there. Even ignoring
the spelling errors...
So he kept
scowling head turned in Ranma?s direction until he
bumped into something hard.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF! (curls into a ball, clutching
groin) Have... to... watch... for... banisters... when... thinking...
about... Akane...
He stopped and looked up.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Sky... clouds... kill Ranma and make Akane mine...
birds...
?Oh senpai Kuno, heh-heh Good morning.? He tittered
nervously.
SHEILA: <Kuno> Bird calls, Gosunkugi? Why do you waste Upperclassman
Kuno's valuable time with such frivolous extranities?
NACHO: He "tittered", not "twittered".
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> My senpai Kuno, you have such marvelous tits.
NACHO: "Tittered", not... never mind.
?Gosunkugi, have you forgotten already our gentleman?s
deal?? Kuno said.
NACHO: Which gentleman would that be?
ACE: <Gambling King> That?s right! I now own all of Gosunkugi?s Akane
pictures, with full copyright on the contents of his dreams regarding
Akane.
SHEILA: <King> We'll be producing the movie version next Christmas.
?Oh that! The plan to get Saotome,? He looked around.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Now, where did I leave that pit covered with bra-
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
He was unprepared totally. This was bad.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Got that spoony test I forgot to study for...
SHEILA: Bad? No! Unpreparedness is good! Improvisation is good! Haven't
you ever watched "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
NACHO: Opinions may vary on the subject.
?Well, now
you see about that....Anou.... had
homework...
ACE: He?s taking time away from writing Evangelion?
and uh... stuff to do for my trying to be a
Shinto priest... you know...?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> GOOD luck charms? You mean Shinto priests have to
sell GOOD luck charms?
Gosunkugi looked up.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> That cloud looks like Ranma... must kill...
Kuno was scowling and he looked angry as hell.
NACHO: Hell hath no fury like a Kuno scorned.
?FOOL! HOW DARE YOU BREAK OUR AGREEMENT!? Kuno
shouted. ?I SHALL SMITE THEE!?
ACE: (waits)
NACHO: (waits)
SHEILA: (waits)
ACE: What does ?smite? mean, anyway?
NACHO: "transitive senses
1 : to strike sharply or heavily especially with the hand or an
implement held in the hand
2 a : to kill or severely injure by smiting b : to attack or afflict
suddenly and injuriously <smitten by disease>
3 : to cause to strike
4 : to affect as if by striking <children smitten with the fear of
hell -- V. L. Parrington>
5 : CAPTIVATE, TAKE <smitten with her beauty>
intransitive senses : to deliver or deal a blow with or as if with the
hand or something held"
ACE: (blinks) Thanks again, Merriam-Webster.
SHEILA: The Parrington quote was a nice touch.
ACE: So... what does it all mean?
NACHO: Basically... <Kuno> Now, I shall smite thee! (poses
provocatively)
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Oh, Kuno! I want to have your babies! (leaps all over
Kuno)
ACE: Yep, that works.
And Gosunkugi felt the
bokken hard against
his back, as it launched him through the air.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Is that really a bokken in your hand, or are you
REALLY happy to see me?
SHEILA: <Kuno> Your public fantasies of Akane are particularly vivid,
Gosunkugi...
JUNK: "Public", or "pubic"?
He landed on side.
NACHO: Good. Then there's no penalty on the play.
?Where am I?? He asked himself.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> How should I know? I'm YOU!
?Well, well, if it isn?t Hiki-chan...? He heard from
above him.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> What? I?ve landed at the elementary school!
He had landed right in the middle of group.
SHEILA: <Group leader> Welcome, newcomer. Will you take part?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (deep sigh) All right... My name is Hikaru Gosunkugi,
and I am obsessed with Akane.
ACE: Akane Admirers Anonymous.
SHEILA: ... it's not anonymous. He gave his name.
NACHO: ... just go with it.
As they closed in he realized there was on
escaping.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Escape mode ON! Run away!
NACHO: That's Ranma's special move.
It was a bit later when Gosunkugi, managed to crawl
back to the school, beaten up, bruised and bleeding.
NACHO: He was VERY smitten.
He managed to stagger in his classroom. The
teacher looked up.?Gosunkugi, you?re late.?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Not yet... but I will be in a minute. (dies)
NACHO: <Teacher> (marks on clipboard) The late Hikaru Gosunkugi...
tardy.
?But, but you don?t understand I-I..?
NACHO: <Teacher> Of course I don't! Try it again, without the question
marks!
?Their are no excuses, stand in the hall.?
Gosunkugi sighed, looking down in the buckets of water
he was holding.
NACHO: He came with his buckets ready... what foresight!
Another horrible start, to a horrible
day. He sighed.
ACE: So far, I fail to see what?s so unusual about this day... seems
pretty average to me.
NACHO: I'm sure something unusual will happen soon. We can trust the
title, right?
ACE: ...
NACHO: Fine. The title/synopsis.
The rest of the day, wasn?t any better.
ACE: But will be described in excruciating detail, I?m sure.
He had a test
in one class, and forgot all the answers, just before
it!
SHEILA: Whereas most students forget all the answers immediately AFTER
the test.
How, he had studied very hard?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Maybe filling the pages of my textbook with photos of
Akane wasn't such a good idea...
Why did these
things always happen to him?
ACE: Well, duh!
SHEILA: Because he's GOSUNKUGI!
NACHO: It's like asking why Ranma keeps getting splashed...
JUNK: Or why female characters keep getting their clothes torn off by
tentacle rapist aliens.
SHEILA: No, that last one is because YOU write too much fanfiction.
JUNK: Oh, right. Reminds me... back to work on my latest project,
"Japanese High School Sailor-Suited Girl Tentacle Rape 17."
NACHO: Not until we finish this fic...
It was lunchtime, he sat alone as always. BUT there
was one bonus, he could watch Akane.
JUNK: The alien burst out of the bush and tore her clothes off
violently...
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Last chance for pictures, I guess. (reaches for camera)
He got out his
camera. And watched her eating lunch, clicking
pictures of her every step.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> When I see a girl masticate, it makes me want to -
SHEILA: No. We have to keep it cleaner than that.
ACE: Besides, it would get the camera all sticky.
Akane was so beautiful so
perfect. He mused.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> She belongs in a museum!
Now that Saotome was talking to
her, making her angry. He watched as she got up
leaving her lunch, to continue the argument.
NACHO: <Ranma> Stupid tomboy... I warned you not to eat your own
cooking!
JUNK: <Akane> Shut up... just wait until I finish throwing up...
He
watched for a bit.
NACHO: Wasn't he already watching?
ACE: But he wasn?t paying attention before. Now, he?s watching for a
bit.
SHEILA: Maybe he wants to do some drilling?
Then he spotted Akane?s open soda
can. Her lips had touched it just a few minutes
before.
ACE: Yes... that?s generally how one drinks...
SHEILA: Oh god. Please tell me he's not going to do what I think he's
going to do...
And if he took a sip-it would be like...be like.. be
like.
SHEILA: Be like, gross!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> This could be covered with Akane's germs! I could catch
Akane's cold!
NACHO: Just think, they might go to the same herbalist...
SHEILA: (darkly) How romantic.
Kissing indirectly!
ALL BUT JUNK: Ewwwwwwwwwww!
JUNK: Hey, neat! Sheila... want a sip of my soda?
SHEILA: No way, you pervert!
JUNK: It's your favorite. Cherry...
SHEILA: Cherry? Really?
JUNK: Honest. (waves cup under Sheila's nose) Mmmmm... cherry...
SHEILA: Fine. As long as you understand that it's nothing like a real
kiss! (sips soda)
JUNK: (takes cup back) Smoochy smoochy!
He was so giddy, his hands
were shaking.
SHEILA: Are you SURE that's from giddiness?
ACE: It?s not from caffeine.
He didn?t know if he could.
SHEILA: Don't! PLEASE don't!
JUNK: Do it! Do it! Slip her the tongue!
SHEILA: The tongue? He's just drinking her SODA!
JUNK: I bet he can just TASTE it!
NACHO: <Friend> So, you finally kissed Akane? How did it taste?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Refreshing lemon-lime goodness.
JUNK: Yes! We need more lemon and lime action in this fic!
NACHO: Sorry, Junk. About all you're going to get is a shared can of
Sprite.
JUNK: In that case... vive la can!
SHEILA: Ouch! Quit pinching MY can!
He took the can of soda and quickly took a large sip.
SHEILA: You know what? After all that time we spent talking about it, it
really wasn't all that bad.
NACHO: Yeah... this scene seems rather emotional, but when we read it
this way, it lacks something.
SHEILA: I guess we ruined it.
JUNK: I wouldn't say that. (takes drink of cherry soda) Mmmm...
?Ha! HA! I did it! oh the pleasures of indirect
kissing...? He sighed.
ACE: Maybe he's got a point. Not as many communicable diseases get
passed by indirect contact.
NACHO: But it can't be nearly as much fun.
ACE: What?s Gosunkugi going to compare it to?
NACHO: Point.
?Ummm you know there was hornet fell in that soda can,
Gosunkugi.?
NACHO: Well... THERE'S a possibility we didn't consider.
ACE: Not usually a danger specifically associated with SHARING drinks...
SHEILA: <Akane> Here you go, Nabiki. Watch my drink for me, and be
careful not to fall in.
NACHO: A pet hornet named Nabiki? ... Seems appropriate, somehow.
Hiroshi interjecting interrupting his
moment of joy.
NACHO: Reading these sentences being giving me a headaching.
ACE: Quitting complaining! Going back to reading!
A hornet...oh A HORNET! NO wonder his throat was
hurting so much!
ACE: It always hurts, trying to cram a basketball player down your
throat.
NACHO: Natch.
He had to do something!
?AAAAAAHHH!!!!? he screamed and ran around,
SHEILA: Yeah... that'll work.
trying to find something to cool the burning.
NACHO: Must've been a spicy hornet.
He knew
one person could help him and he ran off school
grounds.
SHEILA: <Principal> Keikis what leave de school grounds gotta get de
discipline! Now you gotta drink de ocean-flavor soothing throat
medicine!
His throat hurt so much, as he ran through
the streets. Water he need to putt some water on it.
NACHO: At the golf course, naturally.
He found a jug of water, behind the Cat-cafe. He was
just about to splash on himself, when the waitress
called: ?Aiiyaaa! No touch that wa-?
NACHO: <Shampoo> Oh... Shampoo was going to scare Ranma later with cat
form. Now have to go make more water.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Make... water...? Oh dear...
It was to late h had splashed it on himself.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> H! My archrival!
ACE: <H> Yes! I got to the water first, and now it?s MINE! Suffer in the
agony of swallowed-alive-hornet stings for eternity! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Then
everything went black, to late.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Ha! You?re too late! I got beaten up HOURS ago, and I?m
only NOW going unconsc...
~~~~~~
ACE: (singing) The ants go marching home again, hoorah, hoorah...
?Hey, wake up,? Gosunkugi heard.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Just five more minutes... Akane's about to take her
top off...
He looked around and
saw Doctor Tofu?s face. ?We put some salve on the
sting and gave you some medicine to make
the swelling go down.?
SHEILA: They put salve on the INSIDE of his throat? Should I even ask?
JUNK: Even I'M not going to go there...
?Oh, thank you so much,? Gosunkugi said, in a voice
that was strangely high, all of sudden.
NACHO: <Tofu> Oh, did I mix up the salve with the helium again? I HATE
it when that happens!
?Umm doctor
about my voice? Is it because of the sting??
ACE: He can't use that excuse any more, since he left The Police.
?Well, you see Gosunkugi its actually...? Doctor Tofu
started.
ACE: Something surprised him?
SHEILA: No, you're still thinking of Ran Wars.
?...You?re cursed boy.?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> No, Ranma, Ryoga, and Mousse are cursed boys. I'm
freaky voodoo-enthralled wimpy sleep-deprived Akane-obsessed boy.
Someone else ended in a harsh
voice. It was that shriveled old woman from the
Cat-cafe.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Mom! What are you doing here?
?Cursed? How?? Gosunkugi asked, in the high strangled
sounding voice.
NACHO: Oh, I don't know... you spend your whole life playing with voodoo
artifacts in a town full of cursed people and Amazons with more magic
tricks up their sleeves than Blackstone...
SHEILA: Water... curse... put it together, bright boy!
?Move you?re hands to you?re chest.? The old woman
said.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Okay... I suppose. (does so) Now what?
SHEILA: <Cologne> Now, do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> What?s this all about?
NACHO: The song never does explain that, does it?
ACE: Some things were never meant to be explained.
Gosunkugi did so, and suddenly his chest wasn?t the
same, there hadn?t been so much it before,
SHEILA: He needed to work out and eat his Wheaties.
it was like
he had breasts.. BREASTS! That meant... ?I?M
A GIRL!?
NACHO: <Tofu> No, those are just fake comedy breasts. Hell of a joke,
though, wasn't it?
SHEILA: Would Doctor Tofu really play such a cruel joke on someone?
NACHO: He startled Ranma with a skeleton...
ACE: On the upside, this makes Gosunkugi twice as manly as he?s ever
been.
?Yes, the water you so foolishly splashed on yourself,
was water from spring of drowned girl.
ALL: Of course...
NACHO: Should've known it was a "someone else gets cursed" story.
ACE: Drowned girl, too... are there any male Ranma characters left who
haven't been turned into girls at some point?
SHEILA: Maybe... if you go as far out as that guy who Ranma got the
Dragon Whisker from.
It was for my
Great-ganddaugther. But you
unwittingly squandered it.? She said.
NACHO: And?
ACE: It?s not like the Spring of Drowned Girl is HIDDEN...
SHEILA: If they went to the spring to get the water... why didn't
Shampoo just jump in right then and there?
NACHO: Maybe they had it delivered.
SHEILA: In a bucket?
?So I?m a girl now?!?
NACHO: <Tofu> (sarcastically) Noooooooo...
?No, only until you get hot water on you then you
will return to being male, but cold water, will turn
you back into a male.? The old woman said.
ACE: Thanks for the explanation of how Jusenkyo curses work, Granny...
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> So hot water changes me into a male, and cold water
changes me into a male? (perks up) Hey! This curse isn't so bad after
all!
?Hot water? Okay thank you. Doctor Tofu would you...?
Gosunkugi started.
?Don?t worry I?m already boiling some.? Doctor Tofu
said.
NACHO: <Tofu> (pours hot water on Gosunkugi) Oh, dear. THAT wasn't
supposed to happen.
ACE: <Cologne> (raps Tofu on head with staff) That was my Spring of
Drowned Ferret water you boiled, wasn?t it?
?Wait,? Gosunkugi looked at the clock on the wall.
NACHO: <Clock> Sorry. Time waits for no man.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> But I'm a woman now!
NACHO: <Clock> Ahem. Very well then. Take all the time you need.
?lunch is going to end any minute now, I have to get
back to school!? Then rushed out the door.
NACHO: Not like anyone will miss him...
ACE: And of course, he must realize that showing up in his current
gender won't exactly make him any less absent.
SHEILA: Well, it's not GOSUNKUGI rushing out the door anyway! It's this
mysterious "Then" person.
NACHO: I think there was just some confusion over which gender pronoun
to use, so it was omitted entirely. See? There's even a space for it.
JUNK: Here, let me fill in the space!
SHEILA: Oh no, this is not going to be pretty...
OAV> ?lunch is going to end any minute now, I have to get
OAV> back to school!? Then a tentacle beast from Dimension
OAV> X appeared in the middle of the room and looked around.
OAV>
OAV> ?Huh.? It said. ?no cute girls in here.?
OAV>
OAV> ?What do you think I am?? Cologne asked.
OAV>
OAV> ?Yikes, she?s scary!? said the beast and rushed out the
OAV> door.
SHEILA: Well, that wasn't as bad as I expected.
~~~~
?Who is that?? Hiroshi asked Daisuke.
NACHO: <Daisuke> It's a row of ants marching by.
?Who do you mean??
?The new girl over there.?
ACE: <Daisuke> Oh, that?s that new girl who transferred in from Juuban
ward, Ami Mizuno. She?s supposed to be a real genius.
?I don?t know, I?ve never seen her.?
?Ugh, look at that face, its hideous, yet I have this
strange feeling I?ve seen it before.?
SHEILA: <Daisuke> Probably in the mirror...
?Face, who cares? Look at that body! Wow, she?s
stacked!?
NACHO: Why is it that every Jusenkyo-cursed person comes out looking
incredibly attractive to the opposite sex? Shampoo-kun from Shampoo 1/2,
Gosunkugi here... is it supposed to be the Spring of Drowned Drop-Dead
Gorgeous Babe or something?
SHEILA: The others made sense, really. Ranma was supposed to be really
attractive as a guy, so as a girl, s/he's still attractive. Gosunkugi...
ACE: ... should by all rights be as hideous as Cologne, in body as well
as face.
JUNK: Who cares whether it makes sense or not. The guy deserves it.
ACE: Agreed. After a life of loserhood and solitude, s/he deserves to
settle down with a nice man and start a family.
JUNK: Ugh. Forget I said anything.
?Why?s she in a boy?s uniform??
?I don?t know.?
NACHO: <Daisuke> Certainly nothing to do with Jusenkyo curses or men who
turn into women. We NEVER see things like THAT around here.
Gosunkugi, looked around.
NACHO: Looked around, Gosunkugi.
ACE: We?ll leave the two of you to get acquainted.
She knew they were talking
about her. Finding hot water had to be an imperative.
SHEILA: It was absolutely vital that it become a primary objective to
see about inquiring into a plan to obtain the necessity of gaining the
means to procure hot water.
NACHO: "Finding hot water" isn't an imperative anyway. It's a gerund
phrase.
ACE: (blinks) No, I liked Sheila?s answer better.
The janitor always kept a kettle on hand.
Upon finding it, everything would be back to normal,
Gosunkugi never though normal was so good.
SHEILA: Well, normal except that every time s/he gets splashed with cold
water, s/he'll turn into a girl again.
ACE: Ah, ah! S/he?ll turn into a ?male?, remember?
Then she
walked into someone. Senpai Kuno. This
could be trouble.
NACHO: Tatewaki and Kodachi's older brother, Senpai, was an even bigger
bully than the lounging thugs on the corner.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Beat me up if you must, but leave my sister Hiki-chan
alone!
?Excuse me.? Gosunkugi mumbled.
JUNK: <Kuno> Ugh... stand downwind next time, would you, befouler of the
air?
Kuno looked down at the person standing before him.
?Excuse me Ms., do I know you??
SHEILA: <Cologne> Perhaps... have you ever read "Kunou's Excellent
Adventure?"
?No, I don?t think so.? She mumbled again, in that
soft voice.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> You must have me confused with some other female
version of Gosunkugi.
?For some reason, you seem familiar, strange maiden.?
He said.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (eyes shift guiltily) Umm... no...
SHEILA: <Kuno> Ah, yes! The answer doth come to me! Now I know for
certain whose reminder you are to me!
ACE: <Kuno> The pigtailed girl! Dost thou know her?
?I guess, I have that effect on people.? Gosunkugi
said. Moving away.
NACHO: Leaving a trail of sentence fragments that even Kuno would be
able to follow.
Kuno watched. What a strange shy girl. He thought.
ACE: He thought? This could have dire consequences later on...
She has such a plain face. But I find myself drawn to
her.
JUNK: Ick. Talk about "Dude Looks Like a Lady!"
So shy, so delicate, so demur and some
unexplainably dark charm.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Yes! I most definitely demur!
I must have her! He thought.
ACE: Ack! Twice in one paragraph! Kuno's brain has gone into overdrive!
?Ugly girl! Could you holed you?re place!?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (looks down) Oh, right. THIS is the place where I dug
the hole...
ALL: <Gosunkugi> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
He rushed
up to her. Then grasped her hand.
SHEILA: <Kuno> (rushes up to Gosunkugi) (pauses) Now... what was I
supposed to do next? (thinks)
ACE: Again.
SHEILA: <Kuno> Ah! Now I remember! (grasps Gosunkugi's hand)
?You are new here
and unfamiliar with the twists and turns of
the hallways.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> (scratches head) But... the hallways all look
straight to me.
ACE: You have to shoot the eye above the doorway with an arrow...
haven't you beaten the Forest Temple yet?
I Tatewaki Kuno, feel it my solemn duty
as a gentlemen to guide you through the school!?
NACHO: Solemn? Gentleman? FEEL? These words should never be applied to
Kuno!
SHEILA: Actually, "gentlemen" seems pretty appropriate. I'm sure a
multiple personality disorder would explain a lot about Kuno.
?No, t-t-that?s really all right. I?m sure I?ll find
my own way.?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> (grabs random person) This person will guide me!
NACHO: <Ryoga> Are you sure about that?
Gosunkugi, withdrew her hand, and said
walking away.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good day!
?Shy flower, you have stolen my heart, I must retrieve
it from you!? Kuno said, giving chase.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Good luck. I just looked at Akane again, and it went
a-fluttering.
?No, I-I-I No!? Gosunkugi ran strangely incredibly.
SHEILA: So... is s/he running with strange incredibleness, or incredible
strangeness?
?Aaah, the chase! What games she plays!? Kuno cried
out. ?This is exhilarating, modest little thing, how
she teases me so!?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Nyah nyah! Can't catch me!
He ran after her.
Gosunkugi stopped to catch her breath against an oak
tree.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Breath! What the heck are you doing with that tree?
JUNK: <Breath> Just leaning against it! That's all! I swear!
Kuno was gone, she had lost him. Now to find
that hot water and-
?Aaaah! So I?ve got you at last!? Kuno appeared.
ALL: Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah...
?No I-I-I...? Gosunkugi dodged as Kuno?s arms swept
in.
NACHO: <Kuno> (looks down) Um, would you mind picking my arms up for me?
I rather need them if I'm to try to embrace you a second time.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> No way! You should have held on to your own arms!
SHEILA: <Kuno> With what, pray tell?
?Do not be so modest come and embrace love!? He said,
attempting another grab.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Um... "love" is an abstract concept, not a phsyical
thing. There's no way to embrace an abstract concept.
ACE: So, ?reaching for your dreams? is totally out of the question, huh?
Gosunkugi dodged again, and again but Kuno was
getting closer.
ACE: If Kuno?s close enough to reach Gosunkugi, and getting closer
still...
NACHO: <Groucho> If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you!
The thought of Kuno?s groping hands,
made Gosunkugi wince. Kuno was so close.
JUNK: Then out of nowhere, came Happosai! GLOMP!
ACE: And suddenly, Kuno?s hands seemed like a welcome relief.
Gosunkugi closed her eyes and braced for the worse.
NACHO: We know Kuno's about to glomp Gosunkugi... what this "worse"
thing s/he's waiting for?
ACE: El Ni?o.
NACHO: Could you stop with the question marks already? Nobody's going to
understand that punchline without the tilde-n thingy in there.
ACE: Well, you just explained it to them.
Then there was nothing, expect a resounding POW!
NACHO: <Unknown soldier> Free at last! Free at last!
SHEILA: Somehow, I don't think that's the kind of P.O.W. we're looking
for.
Gosunkugi opened her eyes. Standing in front of
her was Akane. Her fist raised.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> (raising fist) How dare you hit the only man who ever
loved me!
?That pervert Kuno, picking on girls who can?t even
defend themselves, Akane sighed.
ACE: Yeah, like Akane and girl-Ranma... wait a second...
NACHO: Shhh! She's still talking! There was no closing question quote.
Then she turned
around. ?Oh, excuse me, my name is Akane Tendo
who are you??
NACHO: All in the same sentence, too. She must be the impatient type.
ACE: Good to know Akane?s character hasn?t changed much.
Gosunkugi was speechless, Akane was speaking to her!
SHEILA: It's nice to know s/he's polite enough not to interrupt.
And she didn't recognize..?Uh uhh my-my Anou.. m-m-my
well, my name is H-h-h,?
NACHO: <Akane> Oh, you're one of THOSE students. Here, the "special
class" is this way...
No she/he
couldn?t say Hikaru. ?H-Hi-Hi- Hikari, yeah that?s it,
Hikari.?
ACE: (slaps face) Yeah, THAT?LL work as a cover-up.
SHEILA: So, Hikaru is masquerading as her own dog?
NACHO: Fans, guess which series that reference is from!
?Oh welcome to Furikan high school, why are you in a
boys uniform??
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Haven't I seen you hanging out with a redheaded girl
who wears a boy's uniform?
ACE: <Akane> Oh! Is that the time? Gotta run! Bye, Hikari!
SHEILA: If only he were so witty...
?W-w-well, they didn?t have girls uniforms in my
size.?
ACE: <Akane> The one you?re wearing isn?t your size, either.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> It was a few minutes ago... I mean... Gotta run! Bye,
Akane!
?Oh, that's to bad.?
ACE: <Akane> As I am to not caring.
NACHO: Always finish your analogies.
ACE: (blinks) Wait a second, hold that thought! It's an APOSTROPHE!
NACHO: Oh yeah, so it is. And you're back to ASCII, I see.
ACE: My bold statement against standardization is ruined... there's no
point in going on.
The bell rang.
?Well, my next class is Gym, you want to come??
JUNK: Cheer up, Ace buddy! We're on our way to girls' Gym!
ACE: Hmph. There'd better spoony well be a good nude locker room scene.
NACHO: Preferably NOT involving Gos and a bucket of hot water.
SHEILA: Careful what you wish for...
?Y-yeah sure.? Gosunkugi smiled nervously.
?Great!? Akane said, giving a friendly slap to her new
friend?s back.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> AUGH! MY SPINE! I CAN'T MOVE!
SHEILA: This "friend" thing is disturbing. She seems to make friends far
too readily with girls who turn out to be boys.
JUNK: Ooh, that gives me an idea! Where can I get a good girl disguise?
Gosunkugi stumbled forward, and
blushed.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Mustn't look down shirt, mustn't look down shirt...
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> (looks down Akane's shirt) Well, THAT was
disappointing. (looks down own shirt) Ooh, now THIS is more like it!
It was very hard watching the girls change for Gym,
and one of them was nice enough to lend a spare Gym
outfit.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Thanks, Ukyo. But why did you have an extra set of
girl's gym clothes anyway?
ACE: <Ukyo> You think I'd rub them against my cheek after WEARING them?
Um, I mean... no comment.
?Is there something wrong with you?re nose Hikari??
Yuka asked. ?Why is it bleeding??
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Hey, I KNOW I'm a klutz! No need to rub it in!
?Umm well, I guess its the humidity, I just well I..?
Gosunkugi blushed.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> (thinks) I can't tell them about my nose-picking
problem!
Gym class was really tough, it was tumbling and Akane
picked ?Hikari? as her spotter.
ACE: I agree. Very questionable choice.
Gosunkugi could hardly
keep the blood from pouring.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Sorry, Akane. I warned you I wouldn't be a very good
spotter.
ACE: <Akane> When they reattach my arms... I'm going to strangle you!
~~~~~~
NACHO: <Girls> Eek! Bugs! Kill them!
SHEILA: (smacks Nacho) Sexist!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Don't worry, girls! I'll squash them! SMASH! SMASH!
SMASH!
ACE: ------
ACE: <Girls> Hey, she squashed the bugs! She's not a real girl!
SHEILA: (smacks Ace) Don't you dare go there!
?Come on Hikari, it was a hard work out, we have to
shower. You don?t want to all sweaty.? Akane said.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> No thanks, I don't shower.
ACE: You think that's going to fly? A girl who doesn't shower at least
twice a day?
SHEILA: Watch it, mister!
NACHO: Actually, I'm pretty sure it would be true in Gos' case.
ACE: Yeah, the pressure of the falling water would probably crush him.
?Oh a shower well I couldn?t really..? Gosunkugi said.
?Trust me after a nice hot shower you?ll feel so much
better.?
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Why don't you take a hot shower, and I'll just watch?
That would make me feel even better!
?No, no I would feel so embarrassed and...?
?Oh, come on, we?re all girls here.?
NACHO: That is, until AFTER the hot shower.
If she only knew, Gosunkugi thought. the consequences
would be to great. But so far, there was no way out.
SHEILA: Well, duh! Create a distraction and run for it! Think about
it... when's the last time Furinkan girls have been able to take a
shower and get changed without someone interrupting them?
?Okay I didn?t want to admit this but..?
?Yes?? Akane said blinking, looking so innocent.
ACE: Oh, the devious little minx... probably already devising seven ways
to hack Gosunkugi to pieces as soon as he reveals his secret.
?...BATHING WITH OTHERS IS AGAINST MY RELIGION!?
Gosunkugi shouted.
NACHO: <Akane> Well, that's not a problem! We're showering, not bathing!
The biggest lie in the world. Would
they buy it?
ACE: WE bought "Read my lips - no new taxes." Twice.
?Oh, I?m so sorry I didn?t know.? Akane said.
NACHO: And... how was she supposed to know?
ACE: I'd have thought the candles on Gosunkugi's head were an obvious
clue...
?Well, its my religion, I know its not a main-stream
one and stuff but well, you see.
SHEILA: Yeah, the <insert name of religion that won't offend you if we
insult it> have some pretty strange practices.
ACE: Oh, come on. Just offend someone. Pick on the Jehovah's Witnesses
or something like that.
SHEILA: But they ARE strange. Then it's not as funny.
I?ll wait outside.?
Gosunkugi said and ran outside the Gym.
JUNK: <Akane> Hikari, wait! You forgot to put your clothes back on!
Gosunkugi paced back and forth, what to do? What to
do? Suddenly a familiar voice said: ?Yo,?
NACHO: Gosunkugi reflexively replied "Joe."
Gosunkugi
turned Ranma, would Ranma know?
ACE: If Gosunkugi turned into Ranma, you'd better BELIEVE Ranma would
know!
NACHO: Curse-wise, he HAS turned into Ranma.
ACE: Well, knowing is only half the battle.
NACHO: This in reference to the previous riff?
ACE: Shut up.
No
probably.. ?Gosunkugi.?
?R-R-ranma, how did you know?? Gosunkugi said.
SHEILA: <Ranma> Well, gee. You'd think after spending years changing
from a boy to a girl, I'd be able to recognize the condition in other
people as well.
?The falsetto voice, the body suit, what are you up to
Gosunkugi?? Ranma asked putting his hands on his hips.
JUNK: <Ranma> Hey, your hips aren't bad. Any idea where I can get a suit
like this for Akane?
?N-Nothing.? Gosunkugi replied.
?You can drop the voice now, and this dumb fake body
suit.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Whatever you say, Ranma. (takes off suit)
ACE: <Ranma> (cringes) I meant as long as you had something on
underneath it!
The breasts don?t even look real, I bet their
foam or..?
NACHO: Even Ranma doesn't realize that it's an ever-popular Jusenkyo
curse!
ACE: Well, you have to admit, it would never REALLY happen.
NACHO: The alternative is just as farfetched. Why would Gosunkugi dress
up as a female version of himself?
ACE: He dressed up as Akane in the manga.
NACHO: The figure was the same, just about. I think Akane's a bit more
manly.
SHEILA: Not sure if that was a dig at Gos, or Akane, or both.
Ranma reached out and grabbed on
Gosunkugi?s breasts. His expression changed to shock.
?Their.... their real!? Ranma exclaimed.
SHEILA: And to think, he always hated when other people did it to him...
hypocrite.
?Yes I-? Gosunkugi didn?t get a chance to finish, that
statement.
NACHO: The random comma got in, his way.
Kuno came charging up.
?SAOTOME HOW YOU HARM MY SHY FLOWER! I?LL-? Ranma
booted Kuno away.
ACE: Receiving a near-lethal shock from the fully-charged Kuno.
SHEILA: Pikuno, Thundershock!
?So, how did it happen, you haven't been traveling to
China or nothing?? Ranma said.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> It's actually not such a difficult operation. And
working as closely as I do with a rich family like the Kunos, it wasn't
hard to come up with the money...
?Well actually...? Gosunkugi explained exactly what
happened. Omitting that he drank the soda for an
indirect kiss with Akane.
NACHO: <Ranma> (stares suspiciously) So... why exactly DID you drink
Akane's soda?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> (shrugs) I was thirsty. Why else?
Ranma stared at Gosunkugi. ?Well, I have some tips for
you. One, always carry an
umbrella when you see its raining, two NEVER go into
a public bath and finally stay away from the old woman
who sprinkles water at her gate.?
SHEILA: Has Ranma ever followed a single one of those tips?
NACHO: Of course. Naturally, it always ends in disaster...
?Okay.? Gosunkugi nodded.
?Now I bet you want to be guy again?? Ranma said.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> You bet I do! GEKIGAN FLARE!
NACHO: Wrong Guy...
?Hai, good thing I changed back into my school
uniform.? Gosunkugi said.
ACE: I know Junk already pointed this out but... when did "she" find
time to change clothes? I assume Akane invited Gosunkugi to take a
shower BEFORE "she" changed, and "she" ran out right after that.
NACHO: "She" changed clothes in the middle of that sentence. Weren't you
paying attention?
?Okay, now this is gonna be awfully hot.? Ranma
warned. As he pulled out a kettle.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> I don't want to know where you were keeping that.
JUNK: <Ranma> How do you think I kept it warm?
Shortly after he changed back, he saw Akane coming
around the corner. Ranma smirked.
NACHO: <Ranma> Were you planning to take off that bra before or after
you changed back?
?Please don?t say anything Saotome, please keep
quiet.? Gosunkugi whispered.
?Okay.? Ranma said.
SHEILA: <Ranma> Even though you've tried to kill me on numerous
occasions and still keep trying to steal Akane from me, I'll willingly
keep your secret without the slightest protest.
NACHO: Hey, it worked for Ryoga.
SHEILA: And how many times since then has Ranma deliberately tried to
expose the pig?
?Hello Guys,? Akane said. ?Have either of you seen a
girl in a boys uniform around, she kinda looked like
well, Gosunkugi.?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Y-y-y-y-yes. (Ranma bumps him) I mean,
n-n-n-n-n-n-n-no.
NACHO: <Ranma> I think she might be in this glass of cold water. Could
you check it out, Gosunkugi?
ACE: <Akane> Speaking of which, why are you dripping with hot water,
Gosunkugi?
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Sweat from Gym. I didn't shower.
ACE: <Akane> Neither did she... hmmm...
?W-w-wwell, ummmm you see A-a-a-a-a-Akane. That was my
cousin Hikari.
ACE: <Akane> Oh, really? Maybe she'd like to meet my cousin Ranko
sometime!
Her parents are on a business trip and
she?s visiting us. But ummm there due
to come back shortly so she might not be around much.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> I think she'll be back when we have our swimming
lessons, though.
In fact they come back today even.? Gosunkugi tittered
nervously.
JUNK: He's turned back into a girl?
NACHO: He'd better hope he doesn't. Now that "Hikari" is supposed to be
leaving...
?Oh well, tell her I said Hi, she?s a really nice
girl. Its to bad I wanted to see more of her.? Akane
said.
NACHO: <Akane> Yep, it's too bad that I wanted to see more of her, since
now I'll have to investigate the situation and force you into a
Ryoga-like hydrophobic state around me.
?Oh..Uhhh I will.? Gosunkugi said. Feh, she likes me
better as girl, oh what a horrible life.
ACE: Yeah, gee. He sounds miserable, doesn't he. Uh-huh. Yeah. Too bad.
Poor widdle Hikaru.
He thought.
But she likes me! His mind added with glee.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi's mind> (gleefully) Ooh! Two plus two is four!
The rest of the day, went by without incident. He was
starting to walk home. When he was met with Kuno.
NACHO: <Random Stranger> Wow, Gosunkugi. Fancy meeting you here with
Kuno!
ACE: This, of course, did not cause an incident, being part of "the rest
of the day."
?Konnichi wa, Kuno Senpai.? He said.
SHEILA: <Kuno> (shakes Gosunkugi) What demon hath possessed thy tongue,
man? Your words are no longer being translated!
ACE: <Director> Okay, somebody fix Gosunkugi's translation device and
pick up the scene from the beginning!
?Come, we need to get to My house!? Kuno grabbed him
by the collar.
?Why?? Gosunkugi asked.
NACHO: <Kuno> Had I not thought it important, I would not have
capitalized My pronoun!
?Its that damned Saotome, not only has he enslaved my
pigtailed goddess, and is engaged to Akane Tendo but I
spied him harassing my newest love that
strange, shy, ugly, girl, being harassed by him!
ACE: Well, look on the bright side. At least he wasn't harrassing a girl
who WASN'T being harrassed by him at the time!
Ugh!
Womanizer cretin! You have to help me beat him!? Kuno
said.
SHEILA: Kuno asking for help beating Ranma? From Gosunkugi?
ACE: Doesn't he remember what happened the LAST time he did that?
NACHO: Gos had to convince Kuno that he'd be of help; then he screwed up
a couple of times; and when he finally figured out what Ranma's weakness
was, it turned out he hadn't done enough research.
ACE: Or, the short version: Big Mistake.
?Oh, okay.? Gosunkugi shrugged.
?And also do my homework. It is the servants day off
and alas, It is even beyond my capilities.? Kuno
added.
NACHO: (waves hand in front of Kuno's face) What's wrong, big guy?
You've lost your egotism!
Gosunkugi sweat dropped.
~~~~
ACE: Several passing ants drowned in the pool of dropped Gosunkugi
sweat.
Gosunkugi set to work, getting the homework done, it
was a few grades higher up, but it seemed easy to him.
NACHO: That's because Kuno's in the remedial class of several grades up.
Finally he was finished. He went out to find
Kuno to tell him.
He spotted Kuno practicing his technique in the middle
of the courtyard.
SHEILA: <Kuno> My darling, let me seal our love with my most passionate
of kisses!
ACE: <Gosunkugi> You... are aware that you're kissing a statue, right?
JUNK: <Kuno> Jealous fiend! Keep away from her! Her stone flesh trembles
only under My fingers!
Gosunkugi ventured out. ?Kuno I-?
Then the sprinkler system went on.
ALL: Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah.
NACHO: Do the Kunos even HAVE a sprinkler system?
ACE: Naturally. They love the harmless but annoying booby trap motif.
Kuno turned around.
?MY SHY FLOWER YOU HAVE COME TO VISIT ME!? HE shouted.
NACHO: Apparently forgetting to stop shouting when he was done with his
sentence.
?I knew you couldn?t resist me!?
?NO! I EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!? Gosunkugi screamed
and ran, searching in vain for some hot water, As Kuno
chased after laughing.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Oh, good. He went after "laughing" and forgot all about
me.
Gosunkugi found a door, she ran in, she locked it
behind her. Heart pounding.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> ALL RIGHT! I DID IT! I KILLED HIM AND BURIED HIM
UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS!
?Who exactly are you? And What are you doing in my
Gymnasium??
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> It's a long story. I'll have to skip the part about
drinking Akane's soda.
Another Familiar voice. Gosunkugi turned around.
Kodachi.
ACE: So, Kodachi is Gosunkugi's Familiar, eh?
NACHO: The creature who most closely fits his personality is a maniacal
girl with a grating laugh and a dubious love interest? ... I can see it.
?I-I Anou...?
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Me Anou. You Kodachi.
?Oh yes, How could I have forgotten. ?Kodachi said.
?Those fools of servants, had the nerve to take the
day off so, You must be the temporary
replacement, I must have hired.?
NACHO: "Must have?" As in, she doesn't know whether or not she hired a
replacement?
ACE: I'm sure she's just got more important things on her mind than who
gets free run of her house and access to all the Kuno goodies.
JUNK: I wouldn't mind having access to HER goodies.
?Yes, that?s it.? Gosunkugi was getting a bad feeling
about this, Kodachi?s servant, for today the notion
was fear inducing.
NACHO: Whereas, on any other day, it wouldn't be so bad?
SHEILA: Well, this IS his "not so average" day.
?Oh, in that case you should get started
immediately...? Kodachi was trailing off, giving
orders, she had turned around.
ACE: Must not be very important orders, if she can't even be bothered to
give them audibly.
Gosunkugi quickly,
opened the
door a crack preparing to exit. Then saw Kuno looking
around cluelessly and shut the door tight.
NACHO: Upon hearing the door slam, Kuno instantly figured out where his
new love had gotten to...
?Did you understand all of that dolt?? Kodachi said.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Who, Kuno? I've never understood him, actually...
SHEILA: Really... who would call a girl a "dolt?"
?Hai, mistress.?
NACHO: <Kodachi> We have no time for pleasantries! You have work to do!
Gosunkugi bowed. Anything had to be
better then Kuno.
JUNK: <Happosai> (glomps Gosunkugi)
SHEILA: Well... maybe not.
Almost anything, no wonder the servants needed a day
off! Being target practice for Kodachi, getting
paralyze powder used on you, and trying to get tat
gym equipment out, never being fast enough for her.
NACHO: Yeah... I'd probably choose Kuno over that.
ACE: Too late.
?That is enough of training for me today.? Kodachi
said, flicking her hair back.
SHEILA: <Gosunkugi> Ow! You got your hair in my eye!
?Don?t you agree...um
What was you?re name again? Oh yes Hikari.?
NACHO: How did she know? All Gosunkugi managed to say was "anou."
ACE: I think "anou" translates to "hikari."
NACHO: In what language?
ACE: (shrugs) Finnish?
NACHO: Ah, I see. Clever.
?Hai...mistress...? Gosunkugi panted.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> (panting) Could you do that thing with your hair
again? It was so sexy...
Kodachi chuckled. That was the end of that.
SHEILA: ... the end of what?
NACHO: Her workout.
SHEILA: And that's something to chuckle about?
ACE: Maybe she was faking the pushups.
Then
Gosunkugi, felt a ribbon wrapped around her ankles,
and she feel.
NACHO: Well, I'd hope she feels, if she already felt... wait, that's not
funny.
ACE: That's okay, big guy. I don't think there's anything more to be
said.
?Where are you going, you are not done yet.? Kodachi
said.
Gosunkugi sighed a she was dragged into the... the
bathroom ?Ummm mistress, I don?t think I can...?
SHEILA: <Kodachi as Condescending Mother> Now, Hikari, you're not done.
Now, you'll sit on that toilet until you make wee-wee, understand?
JUNK: Can I watch?
?I hired you, to be my servant not talk back.? Kodachi
snarled.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (checks contract) That's right! Talking back is
extra.
ACE: <John Cleese> Sorry, I'm not allowed to argue with you unless
you've paid.
?Now, could you reach back there and unzipped
my leotard, I can?t quite reach it.?
NACHO: ... a gymnast who can't reach her own zipper?
ACE: Still better than a professional singer who can't sing.
NACHO: A Milli Vanilli joke?
ACE: Actually, I was thinking of most new-millennium bands. But Milli
works too.
Gosunkugi gulped and nervously fumbled with the
zipper. Finally doing what she was told. But turned
away as Kodachi finished undressing.
JUNK: All right, that definitively proves it! Gosunkugi is no man!
Gosunkugi
was bright red. And about to leave. When she heard.
?Hikari, hand me the wooden bucket, please.?
NACHO: <Kodachi> I left all of my sentence fragments in there.
?Anouuu...?
?Oh, come now we are both women here.? Kodachi said.
ACE: (beat) Is that going to be a running gag or something?
NACHO: Only men-turned-women get asked to do womanly things in Nerima.
Gosunkugi got the bucket, turning handed to
her.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Thanks... whoever that was that handed me the bucket.
Gosunkugi saw her, her hair was down, black
flowing over her shoulders. And the rest of her.....
Gosunkugi watched as she poured the cold water over
her head and briefly shook herself.
JUNK: Ooh! Description! Description!
ACE: "Her hair was now wet, and still flowed over her shoulders."
JUNK: I hate you.
?Hand me the soap Hikari and washcloth.? Gosunkugi
watched totally absorbed in seeing her clean herself.
Gosunkugi handed her other various objects,
to wash with.
ACE: <Kodachi> What am I supposed to do with this fork?
NACHO: <Kodachi> A Rubik's Cube?
SHEILA: <Kodachi> Why are you handing me a camera?
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> Oh, right. That's for me. (Snap snap)
As it was traditional to get cleaned off
before actually getting in the hot water.
NACHO: Which will be explained to you now because the scene doesn't make
any sense unless you know.
ACE: Of course, anyone who doesn't know the proper procedure for
entering a furo has probably been stymied by the gratuitous Japanese.
NACHO: Sou desu ka. Nihongo ga wakaranai hito wa kono fanfic wo
yomemasen. Eigo no fanfic wo yonda hou ga ii desu yo.
SHEILA: Come on, it wasn't THAT bad.
NACHO: Sorry. Practicing for tomorrow's Japanese quiz.
Hot water?
Uh-oh.
JUNK: <Gosunkugi> What if... she turns out to be a guy too? I've been
staring at "her" while she changes! I FEEL SO UNCLEAN!
SHEILA: <Kodachi> Then why don't you join me in the bath? You've earned
it.
Gosunkugi watched as, Kodachi stepped up to the furo.
she dipped her toe in.
NACHO: <Kodachi> Well, that's enough bathing for today! Wouldn't you
agree, Hikari?
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Anou... hai.
NACHO: <Kodachi> Now to go fake doing homework for a few minutes.
?Mmmmm this could be to hot, Hikari test it for it
me.?
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (dips finger in water) Feels fine to me.
SHEILA: <Kodachi> But you only tested it with a finger!
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> And you only tested it with a toe. Seems reasonable
to me.
?No. I can?t I-? Gosunkugi said stumbled around,
before being cut off by Kodachi.
?DO NOT TALK BACK TO ME!? Kodachi said, backing
Gosunkugi, up to the furo, the tub of hot water.
NACHO: Just in case you haven't figured out by now what a furo is...
?YOU
WILL TEST THE WATER!? She
pushed Gosunkugi in.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> The pH balance of this water is all wrong, and it could
use a few more minerals. Plus, it seems to have turned me into a man.
Other than that... it seems ready to use!
Gosunkugi winced as the hot water, covered his body.
ACE: <Gosunkugi> Ow... open sores... pain...
He finally poked his head, up and spit out mouth full
of water.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> (pokes self in head) Ow! (rises up to spit out water)
SHEILA: Everybody in this fic seems to enjoy hurting their own heads.
ACE: It's starting to hurt mine...
Looking up to see Kodachi, whose
expression quickly changed from puzzlement to anger.
?Anou..you look Beautiful.?
NACHO: <Anou> Why, thank you. It's my Oil of Olay.
it wasn?t appropriate but
it was the first thing that popped in his head.
ACE: The second thing was Kodachi's fist.
?GOSUNKUGI! HOW DARE YOU! SNEAKING IN HERE TO TO-TO-
HENTAI!? Kodachi shouted.
NACHO: To-to-hentai? Is that the newest Pokemon?
JUNK: Right up there with my other Pervamon favorites: Peek-at-chu,
No-bra, Hoot-hooter, and Lickitung!
?Gomen nasai, Gomen, nasai.? Gosunkugi said as he
stepped out of the bath, He tripped on soap, and ran
into her, he found he wa clinging on her breast.
ALL: Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
NACHO: This time, the author beat us to the punchline.
ACE: Now, see, if he'd given her the soap when she'd asked for it, he
could have made it to the door!
He turned bright red.
It was to late Kodachi was shouting Hentai and
throwing things at him.
ACE: <Kodachi> Come back here, you sexy @#$%! (throws rubber duck) You
have such a large @#$%! (throws pillow) And I love watching your @#$%
when you @#$% my @#$%!
NACHO: He's not red because of the breast-grabbing incident; it's
because of the hentai shouting.
SHEILA: Why is she throwing things at him if he's still holding her
breast?
NACHO: An even better question is, why is she missing?
He was chased out of the
bathroom, into the Gymnasium. Soon she had her
weapons. Kuno was a in their.
NACHO: "Kuno was a in their?" (shakes head) No. The story's almost over.
It's just too much trouble.
When he saw his sister
wrapped in a towel, attacking Gosunkugi and shouting
Hentai.
JUNK: He suddenly realized how attractive his sister was and decided
that incest was acceptable for the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High.
He knew what had happened and
grabbed his bokken and attacked Gosunkugi.
ACE: <Kuno> I know what happened! You must have been the girl I saw
earlier! And the pigtailed girl is really Ranma Saotome! And I'm really
not a very good kendoist at all! I'm nothing but a hot-headed egotist!
Finally, somehow, Gosunkugi had lost the Kunos.
NACHO: As that would be an interesting part of the story, we won't bore
you with it.
he
got out of the Mansion and now was limping home. What
a day. It was dark already, dinner would be
over and now he felt something for Kodachi, he was
becoming like Kuno no!
ACE: (singing) Kuno no, Kuno no my baby...
SHEILA: Anyway, a man wouldn't develop feelings for a woman just because
he saw her naked.
NACHO, ACE, JUNK: Yes he would!
SHEILA: What, you mean even if she has a completely unbearable
personali-
JUNK: Sheila... He saw a NAKED WOMAN. The personality isn't involved in
the transaction! Got it?
SHEILA: You make it sound like all men see women as nothing but sex
objects.
ACE: Not all women. Just the naked ones.
Then as if it couldn?t get any
worse it began to rain.
NACHO: <Gosunkugi> Now, what was it Ranma said about rain? Oh, yes...
don't let the old lady go to the public bath while it's raining.
ACE: He'd better get used to it. Jusenkyo curse victims always have big
parts right after their curses are revealed, before the curse becomes
yesterday's news and stops being a major plot point.
~fin/Owari~
NACHO: Otherwise known as... THE END.
ACE: What? That's it? It's over?
NACHO: That's the end. It rains.
SHEILA: So the Kuno mansion scene was the big climax?
NACHO: Yep.
ACE: The big climax... that was glossed over completely?
NACHO: Yep.
ACE: (wipes brow) Phew! For a second there I thought there was more to
the story!
NACHO: I'm sure someone, somewhere, will see sequel potential in this
fic.
ACE: (shudders)
SHEILA: Can we wait until the official <END FANFIC> marker before we
editorialize?
ACE: Sure. Sorry.
<END FANFIC>
ACE: (shudders)
NACHO: Now, come on. It was definitely an original idea. Gosunkugi as
the gender-changer...
SHEILA: Original-ish, perhaps, but for a new-curse-victim story to
really be original, it's got to explore some new facet of the
relationships between the characters and how the new curse affects
everyday life in Nerima.
NACHO: It was a short, one-shot piece that was only meant to bring about
the curse and play out a few humorous scenes based on it. It wasn't
meant to be emotionally significant or make the reader think.
JUNK: Well, it certainly got ME thinking.
NACHO: Oh god...
JUNK: Being a woman has all sorts of advantages! You can take showers
with naked girls, and help them get undressed for baths, all because
"we're all girls here."
ACE: So, you want to become a woman so you can be a lesbian?
JUNK: Hell no! I'm going to build a female android that's
indistinguishable from a human woman, with cameras for eyes so she can
videotape every moment of her trip to the public baths!
SHEILA: And how much do you know about android construction?
JUNK: Like Master Happosai before me... there is no obstacle so great
that the power of my perversion cannot overcome it!
*TWO MONTHS LATER*
JUNK: Finally, it's finished! My Bathbot 2001 is ready to go!
NACHO: It's a very impressive job. I really can't tell that she's not
real.
ACE: Have you got her phone number?
JUNK: Back off, lover boy. She's mine!
ACE: Why didn't you invite Sheila here for your moment of triumph?
JUNK: She's at the public bath today.
NACHO: Oh no... don't tell me...
JUNK: Relax. I'll peep on the other girls just as much.
ACE: Let's do this!
JUNK: (activates controls)
BATHBOT: (walks down street and enters public bath) HELLO. I AM HERE TO
TAKE A BATH WITH NAKED GIRLS.
ACE: Junk...
JUNK: I'll work on it.
BATH ATTENDANT: That will be five hundred yen, please.
JUNK: Oh damn. Forgot to give her money. Hang on a sec...
BATHBOT: (leans over counter) I'M SURE WE CAN WORK OUT A DEAL...
BATH ATTENDANT: (stares down shirt) I'm not supposed to let anyone in...
BATHBOT: (hits attendant with metal fist) (enters shower room)
JUNK: Woo hoo! Turn the water on and begin filming!
BATHBOT: (turns shower on and stands under water) (sparks fly)
NACHO: Um, Junk... you did waterproof your Bathbot 2001, right?
JUNK: Damn. Looks like I've got a lot more bugs than I thought to work
out before the next model.
NACHO: Well, folks, it looks like there's no such thing as a free peep
show. And with that lurid yet reassuring thought, I bid you good night.
Until next time...
ACE: So long, and thanks for all the feedback.
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
A NOT SO AVERAGE DAY IN THE LIFE OF GOSUNKUGI... is by FINMAGIK
RAN WARS is by BLADE and EPSILON - formerly OAVed with permission
SHAMPOO 1/2 is by D.B. SOMMERS - used with permission
KUNOU'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE is by JOHN WALTER BILES - used without
permission
-
wARNING: HUMOR
- Nidoking
SHEERI: Hai!
OTTO: Excuse me?
SHEERI: Hai! It means "yes" or "OK" in Japanese!
OTTO: OK, OK... I know you had a bad time finding work in Japan, and I
know this gig was the only thing you could get, but if you're gonna be
in an American comic strip, you're gonna hafta speak English! Japanese
lines might be cute and all, but we're not a manga... It just doesn't
have a place here, OK?
SHEERI: Hai, hai... Gomen ne.
OTTO: Which is Japanese for "in one ear and out the other," apparently.
My webpage: http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~katinamp
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