Michael Noakes wrote:
Hiya...
Hi!
Well, I missed a number of chapters of this (I'll have to try and catch up),
but I'll try and give some C&C regardless.
Missing the backstory? Noooooo.....
[Later addition: sorry this is so late! I've started and stopped and
started again a number of times. Free time seems to have suddenly become a
bit scarce. Heck, i've even had to put all my own writing on pause for the
next month of two....]
And I apologize for the lateness of this reply. I've had a number of assignments
and some marking pile up recently (in the last week), so I haven't had a chance
to download my mail until today. Not to mention my ISP had the fritz early in
the week as well. ^_^;
It's been a long time. Due to persistent demand for this,
I've managed to push this chapter out several months
overdue (well, a year and a bit). Be warned it really is
A year and a bit-sounds just about right. <grin>
There's something to be said for not having deadlines...
Thanks for not giving up faith in me, Vince.
He's great that way--and about as good of a prereader as one could hope for.
I keep waiting for that next chapter of AMAW, though.... ;)
Wonderful guy. I hope to see some fics from him soon.
The only thing that concerned him was a single thought:
Umibouzu had never told him the consequences of his sealing
his mother into the darkness. <Mom, I didn't know...
dammit, what else could I have done? She was gonna kill
you. I didn't have a choice.>
I'm not familiar with the events, but the phrasing is a bit awkward. Who
does the first 'his' refer too-Umibouzu? And the second? Who's mother was
sealed?
Ranma's mother was sealed back in Chapter 5 (I think :) by Ranma in order to
save her during a hostage situation with Shukumaru. The solution has turned out
less than ideal as the price for retrieving a sealed person is a human
sacrifice.
I'll remove the first 'his'.
Then he scrambled back hurriedly as the Great Devourer
spat out the remnants of a blue whale carcass onto the
Extinction: 1, Blue Whales: 0.
Well, Umibouzu is Japanese...
the price for releasing my mother! Damn you, why didn't you
tell me that?!"
I could be wrong, but I'm fairly sure it's grammatically sound to say that
double punctuation is a no-no.
I'm not sure about this one. I'll let it stand until I can research it.
against monster. Umibouzu rumbled, steam issuing from
gaping maw, whether in anger or annoyance, Ranma did not
I don't think that comma before Ranma is necessary.
Right.
"It's only November; why's it snowing?" Ryoga asked, as he
stepped off the Great Devourer's back onto the abandoned
Actually, I'm pretty sure that any time of the year, snow would be unusually
in Tokyo--at least, a peristent snow that actually stays on the ground.
Frankly, I'm clueless about snow season in Japan. I only know that it's pretty
heavy in Tokyo during New Year. Since winter is Dec, Jan, Feb (reversing the
Australian seasons here), I assumed Nov (early Nov?) would still be quite clear
of snow. If not, I'll move the month back to Oct.
Gymnastics Tournament back in junior school. We made to
Italy together."
We made 'it' to Italy....
glances at both the pairs on the pier. There was an air of
Both pairs would suggest four people; both people on the pier? Or is she
upset with Kodachi and Ryouga as well?
No, Ukyo isn't upset with Kodachi and Ryoga. It's just that they're also a pair,
like Ranma and Akane, and Ukyo isn't...
Snow continued to fall on their way to the Kuno estate.
Delicate flakes of white descended in supreme majesty to
coat the ground in mounds of wonder; eventually to melt and
become the bane of Ranma's existence.
A nice descriptive passage, though I'd change the word 'mound'... the rest
has a delicate, pleasant sound to it; mound makes me think of excrement, and
sounds heavy. Drifts? I dunno... something with a fluffy sound?
Excrement? You'll be glad I didn't use my first option of 'piles', then. :)
I'll change it to something else.
Ranma shook his head. Pop didn't have all that much, even
in the sneaky tactics department, but hope sprang
eternal... to constantly and bitterly dashed. "Well,
eternal... to 'be' (?) constantly and bitterly dashed.
Yep. My bad.
"Really, Ranma-sama," Kodachi slid in smoothly, "do you
all really plan anything? I thought the usual option was
simply a full-frontal assault."
do you all really plan... sounds a bit odd. do you 'ever' really plan...
(?)
She's refering to the rest of the group here.
Tokyo Tower: a massive lattice of steel girders stretching
to the heavens, standing three hundred and thirty-three
meters tall. Painted a crimson red, it typically stood like
a bloodied sword in the heart of Japan's capital city. In
Umm, I understand the need for strong imagery, but the last thing anyone
would compare Tokyo Tower to is a bloodied sword, I'd think. A bloody
eye-sore, maybe... Also, using 'typically' is a bit odd--that would suggest
that occasionally it gets moved around.
Hmm, I suddenly have this vivid image of the Tokyo Tower Express voyaging
through space and time, a la 'Galaxy Express', 'Space 1999', and/or 'Doctor
Who'. I'll remove 'typically'.
Maybe 'sword' isn't quite the right image here. How about 'needle', 'rapier',
'spire', or something else?
Ranma bashed his head against a nearby concrete pillar in
frustration. "Great. Just great. Three things I absolutely
hate: cold water, cats, and tomboys - and they're all gonna
be-- Wait!" He stopped, then brightened. "No tomboys."
Heh. Cowboy Bebop reference?
Ah, a favourite anime of mine. But it doesn't play a role here. Ranma is
refering to Akane and the fact he's managed to leave her behind, in safety.
<Ryoga vs. Raiha scene.>
Lacking in poignancy but very succinct! <grin> Seriously, though, it'll be
nice to see this scene when you finish it.
Will try to write it today and revise the chapter.
--and the pig-tailed girl looked back up, dazed, with pain-
filled eyes. Kodachi tightened her grip involuntarily which
was fortunate as her first instinct was to let go. Then the
Maybe a comma after 'involuntarily'....
Yes.
Blue eyes, so like his, stared into his own. Shukumaru's
eyes held... victory? Ranma frowned as the slightest smile
etched lips painted a pale white.
That reads a bit odd. I'm not sure if a smile call 'etch' lips. Also the
alliteration of 'lips painted a pale' is a bit funky.
Will see what I can do, but I do like that sentence. Says a lot for my sentence
construction abilities, huh? :)
Well, dunno if any of this helps. Enjoyed the chapter, though! Looking
forward to seeing more.
It does, indeed. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. I won't promise a
deadline for anything further - I keep doing that and missing them, so it's
pointless. :)
Phil.
Later,
Mike Noakes
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