Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][Ranma][Rough Draft] Metastasis Prologue
From: "Leif Johnson" <leif_wj@yahoo.com>
Date: 9/21/2001, 2:02 AM
To: "Kris Stingray" <kris_stingray@hotmail.com>, <ffml@anifics.com>

## I just have a few comments as to the grammar.

"Get away from me Souji," she said, her voice commanding.

## This might just be a pet peeve of mine, but I think there's some credit to
it. Ahem.
"Get away from me, Souji," she said... etc. I am a firm believer that the
sentence format:
"How's it going, Ranma?"
"Not bad, Nabiki."
"I know you want me, Ranma."
"Of course I do, Nabiki."
"Oh, we musn't, Ranma!"
"Hahaha... Oh, I didn't see you there, Akane."
... goes like that. Person A says something to person B, and ends their sentence
with B's name. A comma comes before B's name, since if you listen to anyone
speak a sentence like this, there is a definite pause there that, when excluded
from writing, seems awkward. See?

As to your story... Not much, so far. You've hinted at something mythical with
the teenage girl, and we've gotten a glimpse as to Nabiki's emotional state at
this stage in her (presumedly adult) life. I'm assuming you've got much more
than this thought out, if not written down, and maybe you should share that with
us. This short piece is kinda hard to form a definite opinion from. Nabiki is
definitely at a fragil point in her life, and possibly some greater force is
going to be introduced to her. I do wanna see more, as I think there's probably
some potential here, so go ahead. Let's see it.

Le!f

I have this strange aversion to extreme pain, okay?- Ranma Saotome
Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.- Dark Helmet



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