I've not read your other post of this same story, but
I thought a bit of C&C would be nice to have, ne? Firstly,
my name is James Jeans. Nice to read your story. ^_^

A week ago, I posted a fic called Ghosts. When I was originally
writing it, I wrote mostly in the present tense. Just before posting,
however, I changed that to past tense. In an effort to understand how
to write better, I'm posting the original present-tense version. If
you've got a few minutes, please compare this to the one I posted
first, and let me know what you think. If you can't find the first
post in your FFML mailbox archive

<snip>

Well, as I said, I've not read your first one, but I'll give this a go. I've been away from the FFML for over a year, so I might as well get into the flow again.

Ghosts

A Ranma 1/2 Story


It was going to be different. Everything was going to be different.

I like this line. Considering my interest in the FFML mainly has to do with Ranma � (that�s the only series I�ve really gotten into so far), I like the idea of �everything being different.� A lot of the stories on here (even my own) uphold a certain level of normalcy. We don�t like to divert too far from the flow of the Ranma-verse. Here�s to hoping for a fun ride. ^_^

Those thoughts are on the forefront of my mind on the last day of my
life, a day which should have come far sooner then it did. I stand in
the Tendou Dojo. It looks a lot different now, compared to when it had
been practically demolished and rebuilt every week. That hadn't
happened for almost twenty years, now. I'm going to change that.

Okay, let�s see here... I think the above paragraph would sound much better if you worded it a bit differently. Here�s an example -

[Those thoughts are at the forefront of my mind on this day - the last day of my life - a day which should have come far sooner then it did. Here I stand in the Tendou Dojo. It looks a lot different, now, when compared to the time when it had been practically demolished and rebuilt bi-weekly. That hadn't happened for almost twenty years... But I'm going to change that.]

The paragraph flows a bit smoother now. These are just suggestions, though, and a basis to how it could look. Overall, though, it gets the point across.

Nobody would bomb the Tokyo Tower, they said. After all, it's
practically a cliche, considering how often it happens in movies and
anime. Which means that nobody was expecting it. The two terrorist
groups who each decided to make a statement certainly hadn't planned
to share their target. In the aftermath, investigators said that it
would have held up if only one of the bombs had gone off. The
accident, the deadly, unplanned combination of the two hadn't been
planned for when they constructed it, and so the Tower came tumbling
down. And everyone died.

Well, that paragraph is going to be a kick to the groin to a LOT of people considering the terrorist attack on the Twin Towers last week. Incidentally, I was scolded by someone from the list for portraying militaristic groups in a negative light when I posted the prologue for Twilight of the Dead a few nights back.

People are very sensitive right now. If you get too much mail about it, just hold strong. This story is fiction, after all.

Some of them made it to the hospital, of course, and I think even one
or two of them lived, but most people's luck had run out. Even a
super-powered martial artist is next to useless against a rain of
heavy steel and the Anything Goes school works at 10 meters up in the
air, not at 250.

Ranma held on for three days, kept alive only by machines. He wouldn't
have lived much longer anyway, but when Akane died, he decided to go
with her. Not the best way to demonstrate your love, I imagine, but
I'd could hardly say that I'd done better. Their ghosts don't haunt
me. I almost wish they did.

Eerie. Considering that this IS a Ranma � fiction, I�m left in wonder. I�d really like to know how they came to be at Tokyo Tower when it happened. Of course, I could be finding out soon enough. ^_^

BTW, the ending of Twilight of the Dead (Series I) is placed at Tokyo Tower. I didn�t know how done to death battles at Tokyo Tower had been until recently. Odd, really. I chose that location because it was a landmark and I needed a well-known place for Ranma to face the villain.

I couldn't tell you where I was when I heard the news. They found me
in a crater in what used to be Fuurinkan High School's athletic
field. It seems that once again I managed to execute the full Shishi
Hokodan. It has tremendous potential power, power which I had only
tapped in the smallest amount during my fights with Ranma. They saw
the flare from the Chinese mainland. I was unconscious for a week,
afterwards.

Woo-hoo! Ryoga Hibiki! He�s the main man, as far as I�m concerned. Ryoga has always been my favorite Ranma � character, even more so than Ranma. I like his Anime presentation better than the Manga, but that�s just me. I don�t know if I could really see Ryoga sounding a bit more intelligent than what we�ve been led to believe he is, but this is 20 years hence.

It had been my directional curse that saved me, that for once in my
life did something good for me. I really don't know how we all ended
up at the tower, except that it must have been Ranma's fault. After
all, the fiancees were all chasing him around there, and of course I
had to be present to protect Akane. Naturally, I failed. I had somehow
gotten to Osaka by the time the bombs detonated. I sometimes wish that
my string of bad luck had been complete.

Interesting paragraph, but the construction is shoddy. As you say, though, you�re working on your writing skills. If you like, I could give this story a once-over in the editing department?

About the paragraph itself � it�s really opening up Ryoga�s current feelings. You can tell that he misses both Ranma and Akane, even though he clearly blames Ranma for what happened. Classic Hibiki.

I don't know when I decided to do something about the bombing,
either. I think it was sometime while I was being treated for the
depression; it gave me a mission in life, which was something the
doctors said was important. If nothing else, it kept me from having to
take drugs for the rest of my life.

So he finally was forced to see someone about his trademark depression, eh? Well, I suppose that�s a good thing, but it seems to drain a bit of the charm that was Ryoga.

If the future is always in motion, then so must be the past. And so,
the past can be changed.

My first thought was for the Nanban Mirror. But no, it was broken, and
dealing with damaged magic is never wise. I found that out the hard
way. The mirror never actually took me anywhere, but it pulled my mind
through the wringer. I think I would have snapped, if I was still in
the condition I was when Ranma had been around.

Cologne had gone back to China; with Ranma, Shampoo, and Mousse dead,
there was nothing to keep her here. Somehow, I found my way to her
village. She had nothing for me. There were other artifacts that were
supposed to be able to grant wishes or transport the user, but they
were all lost, and I'm not exactly the best person to send on a quest.

Hrm... I�m not sure if this makes total sense. After all, if the situation was so vital that Ranma, Akane, Mousse, Shampoo, Ukyo and Kodachi were there, don�t you think Cologne would have been present? Obviously, I�m overlooking the fact that she could have been there but survived some how.

And while I�m thinking about it � I really don�t think Ryoga would have been killed in the blast OR falling rubble. Remember how powerful the Shi Shi Hokoudan is, and also remember the training he underwent to learn the Bakusai Tenketsu.

Nor did Jusenkyo hold anything. To be sure, I got my curse cured, but
I wasn't there for that. I'd hoped that their spirits might somehow be
tied to the pools. Plum, the new Jusenkyo Guide, smashed that hope as
well. Even Akane, with her very own pool, could not be brought back
through the Valley of Sorrows.

Couldn�t be brought back even with her own pool? He could have just pushed Plum in and BAM � instant cold water Akane. ^_^ I guess that wouldn�t really be her, though. Also, how did Ryoga cure himself? I thought Jusenkyo (the springs) were washed away by a flood in the final issue of the manga? I don�t know for sure, I�ve no read it, but...

For once my ability to get lost came in handy. I wandered through the
world, seeking the knowledge of every culture's mystics. I almost
tried necromancy. I thank whatever gods exist that I didn't. I have
trouble enough without the undead on my hands.

Deadites, deadites, deadites! Heh, you should have dabbled, buddy. I�m sure Ash and his chainsaw would have been more than happy to travel back in time with ya, though I�m sure it would have been more than a few years back. -_^

Finally, the wheel came full circle. It came back to the Nanban
Mirror. The mirror was still destroyed, but here's the key: it
existed, whole, at some point in the past. I found a little-used,
little-known technique that can use the power of the mirror to travel
without the mirror actually existing in the current place and time.
Perfect, except for one little thing, the reason it was so
infrequently used. Since the mirror is not actually present, the body
does not actually travel. Only the mind travels, and you become, in
essence, a ghost, or a mass hallucination, and you can never
return. To use the technique, then, you must die.

So I stand in the dojo, making preparations for my death. Kasumi and
Tofu wait nearby. They think I was crazy to do this, and perhaps I am,
but nonetheless they want to help me.

My will is quite short. The only possessions I own are the ones I
carry with me. They will be burned along with my body, and the ashes
scattered over the bombing site. If all goes well, the instructions
will never be carried out, because I'll have changed history and I'll
have no cause to make them.

The spell is simple. A wooden replica of the mirror lies in front of
me. I say a few words of power, and the wooden effigy changes. It's
still wood, but I can see my reflection in it. A tear, a command,
and I am gone.

The sensation is strange. There are the sorts of things that people
say you feel when you die: a disconnectedness, a bright light. But I'm
not moving towards it. It hangs there for a moment, and then I
fall. Time rolls back. Somehow, I see the seasons undo themselves,
people walking backwards through the dojo, in and out, in and out.

It stops. I stand in the dojo for a few minutes, joy filling my heart
at the sight of the patches in the walls and roof. I am here. I am
going to make a difference. I walk out through the closed door.

Ranma is doing his customary early-morning mid-air sparring with his
father. When he sees me, he looks as if he had seen a ghost. His
reaction is justified, since he had. His father takes the opportunity
to dunk Ranma in the pond. As she stands up and gapes at me, I walk
over.

"Ranma, there's something I need to talk to you about."

Interesting ideas. Some I don�t think I would have even come up with (a la being able to send the mind back because the mirror exists, just not in this time.) I think the only problem this �prologue� has is construct.

I�d be willing to give it a once over � polish it up a bit � so as to give you an example of how to better it�s construction. If nothing else, I can send you the prologue to �Twilight� and you could use it as a basis for comparison. �Twilight� is my first story. Well, first full-length story, anyway. I�ve been working on it for over two years now.

All in all, though, I like the story. Neat ideas, though some people might not feel too comfortable with all the terrorist undertones. Just fair warning � there will be people e-mailing you to tell you how �tasteless� they believe it to be.

Anyhow, keep in touch, and let me know when the next section is done. ^_^

James



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