Ah, the best kind of C&C -- the kind that makes you fall out of your chair laughing even as you berate yourself for your goofs.

At 1:42 AM -0700 9/20/01, Brian Randall wrote:

Raja wrote:

C&C is humbly requested.  Please tell me what you think!

   I think bananas and tea _can_ go together well, which tells me that I'd make a poor diplomat.

   Oh, you meant about the fic. ;)

    Megumi didn't respond to that.  She wearily settled down in a nearby
chair and tried to make sense of what was happening.  For some reason,
the events of the past few hours felt like some sort of fantasy game to
Megumi, until the close call with the dimensional gate forced her to
reconsider.  It seemed like such a normal day when she got up that
morning.  It was the same as always, just like it always had been ever
since Megumi started at Nekomi and moved into the same house as her
brother.  There was the usual flurry of activity  as she got ready for
class, with a hurried goodbye to Urd on the way out the door --

   Heh. I used to have a copy of the A!MG PC game.

Um... sorry, all I've see of the PC game is a few screen caps.  What was it like?

    Megumi was becoming more and more confused.  The more she thought
about it, the more vivid did her memories become.  The only problem was,
Megumi seemed to have two different sets of them, and it was becoming
difficult to tell which was true.  The rest of the day's events didn't
help matters any, of course.  She shuddered, her mind unable to
reconcile all that was happening to her.

   The second sentence is worded a triffle oddly.

I agree.  Unfortunately, this is one of those cases where I think of a good way to say something, only to forget it before I can write it down.  Hm... how about "the more vivid her memories became?"

    "Good -- now focus on that moment.  It should all start to come back
to you...."

   She knows she's breaking the rules. I suppose that she doesn't care?

I think she stopped caring about rules...oh, about the time the universe was created -- or, in this fic at least, around chapter 2.

    "What?!"  Megumi couldn't understand why Urd would use the same
metaphor that Keiichi was using.

   Is 'metaphor' the right word?

Now that I think about it, no.  I'll change it...

    "What did you do to me?"

   Urd: Nothing much. Did you want a copy of the video I had made of it?

Megumi:  Tell you what, we'll sell it to cable tv and split the profits.

    Urd settled her glasses back on and headed for the door.  "Saving
the world from chaos, I think.  Let's go."

   Chaos: Humans are good enough at making messes without my help.

    Skuld was doing her best to control her fears.  But, seeing
Belldandy lying in a medical diagnostic bed with monitors and other
devices hovering nearby caused wave after wave of apprehension to almost
overwhelm her.

   in -- on (?)

That reads better.  I'll change that one too.

    "The few times that something like this has happened before, the
focus point was a mortal being who had recently been granted a wish."

   Logically. If the wish was for the Ultimate Force to keep Belldandy nearby, then her being called away would likely create an error of some kind.

   If I knew more coding languages than TCL, I'd guess. :p The only error I get in TCL is, "Error. Crashing."

Alas, my training in programming languages stopped way back in elementary school with BASIC.

    But Sayoko had fallen silent again, trying to sort out all of the
new things she was remembering.  *Who was she... Keiichi's girlfriend...
how dare she just appear out of nowhere and steal my rightful position
as queen of Nekomi!  That's right, she must've been some sort of witch,
and she used her powers to cloud our minds...*

   Interesting.

IIRC, in the manga continuity, Sayoko has held this belief for quite a while now.

    All that ran quickly through Sayoko's mind, making her feel the same
things she did when this *person* first came to Nekomi Tech.  But she
still couldn't remember her face or her name....

   Can't remember her face when she's looking at a picture?

That was the odd picture with Keiichi to one side, and a blank area where Belldandy was... maybe I should have mentioned that...

    Unbeknownst to them, for the last few minutes a strange gathering
had been taking place outside on the temple grounds.  From all
directions, small white forms were hopping into the area, and were
settling down to wait.  They had come to the temple because, after
causing random chaos for a while each bug had come to realize that it
had been allowed to come into existance due to one individual, and in
return, each felt that it was their duty to honor and worship that
individual... and keep him entertained.

   I didn't know the bugs could do that.

Well, THEY think that they're being entertaining.

    The growing group of system bugs began to celebrate, hopping and
bouncing in wild abandon.  With that many manifestations of chaos
whirling about, something unexpected was bound to happen.

   Considering that apparently only two of them could make cars stick to walls and create a hole in reality, that's pretty bad.

    The grounds in front of the house blew apart, much like it had done
a month ago.  The resultant concussion wave took out the shoji screens
separating the rooms from the halls in the house.  Keiichi and Sayoko,
bowled over by the explosion, yet miraculously unhurt, sat up and were
stunned by what they saw.

   Hm...

I thought about making events around the temple more...severe? extreme?  I still might.

    "Father, what are we going to do?"  Skuld was running to keep up
with her father as he strode down one of the endless pathways towards
the main control room.

   Is he her father specifically? I mean, in the sense that you're implying there?

You know, I'm not really sure...I almost wrote, "Lord, what are we going to do?" but that sounds too much like me when on the way to the classroom the Japanese Teacher of English turns to me and says, "Oh, by the way, I didn't plan anything.  What've you got?"

    A few minutes later, Peorth had gotten the whole story.  In a quiet
voice, she said, "Belldandy's life is in danger?"

   said -- asked (?)

    A clang from behind them made them both spin around, mallets at the
ready.  They saw a dazed bug that had apparently bounced off of a nearby
fire hydrant sign.  With a rumble, the underground hydrant blew off it's
cover, shooting a geyser into the sky.  Unfortunately, the hydrant was
right where Megumi had parked the motorcycle.

   Aren't they going to bop that bug?

Yes!  Of Course!  No, I didn't forget, it all fits into my complicated plan...

    A bolt of lightning fell from the sky, impacting what was left of
Keiichi's motorcycle.  "Oops."  Damned chaos fields...

   You're using * to denote thoughts elsewhere in the fic, why not here?

Ah, it's part of that deep symbolic plan to.... Oh, hell, I'll admit it, I just forgot.

    Inside, the sound of Urd's errant bolt had startled and frightened
Sayoko and Keiichi some more, while Peorth just kept on smiling.

   I would think that lots of little white critters and a goddess with a vine fettish would startle them more.

Yah, methinks I will toss that bit and replace it with something else.

    Sayoko grabbed onto Keiichi, helping him stand, as the room around
them began to brighten.  She looked up, wondering what was causing the
glow, and saw that it was coming from Urd!

   Exclamation in prose? I've been told that that's mostly a bad thing. :/

Yes, it is, especially since this is the only place I've ever used it.  I don't feel like adding more in the rest of the fic, so I'll pull that one.

    Even in the brief instant between the opening of the vines and the
walls of flame leaping up, a number of bugs had rushed towards the
breach.  Most of them were forced back by the flames, and the few that
were trapped in the corridor got hammered by Megumi, who was the first
to go running through.  She was followed closely by Sayoko, who was
helping Keiichi.  Peorth came next, making sure no bugs found their way
in, and Urd with her angel came last, closing the flames up after her.

   Do bugs burn?

Nah, they're 100 percent polyester, you know.  They will melt, though. ;-)

    Urd stared at the readouts in shock.  Her eyes traveled from the
screen over to where Keiichi was sitting, talking to Megumi and Sayoko.

    "Well, shit."

   That seems to sum it up pretty darn well.

    She was fascinated by the marks on their foreheads and cheekbones.
*How come I never noticed those marks on Urd before?  And... why do they
seem familiar, somehow?*

   Urd: (Waving a hand) These are not the goddesses you are looking for.

LOL!

    Urd had drawn Megumi close, and was talking rapidly at her.  "Don't
tell Keiichi anything.  When he comes close to the memories that were
sealed away, the system force acts to keep them suppressed."

   System force vs. Ultimate force.

   Unstoppable force vs. Immovable power. Interesting.

   I can't help but think that this whole thing had to have been planned by someone.

    "Well, then, we'll have to go someplace where the bugs won't be able
to find us too easily, right?  And, someplace where we can recharge
quickly."

    Megumi placed her hands on her hips.  "You just want to go bar
hopping again, don't you?" she accused Urd.

   Peorth: Well, where would you suggest we take a large number of women and a single man, and we can also find copius amounts of alchahol and a video camera?

   Urd: Actually--

   Peorth: Stop _right_ there.

ROTFL!

    Peorth said, "Nice touch."  She then placed her own hands together,
and called out, "Oh, my angel, come to us now in our hour of need!
Arise, GORGEOUS ROSE!"  Immediately, another angelic form manifested,
this one with short blond hair and pale skin, her limbs entwined with
blooming roses.

   That sounds unspeakably painful.

Darnit, I can never find the thesaurus when I need it...

    "For what?" asked Sayoko, knowing that she wouldn't get an answer.
She let out a surprised squeak as World of Elegance gestured, encasing
everyone in a globe of light.  Like an orchestral conductor, she raised
her hands, and the globes rose into the air in response.

   Might want to clarify that -- you make it sound as though a single globe of light encompases all of them.

Will do.  Thanks, I missed that one completely...

Author's note:

I suffered from writer's block for quite a while on this one.  Then, over
a couple of nights, the floodgates burst open, and the first draft was
the result.  I have no idea why this chapter ended up three times longer
than the previous one....

This time, I'm not even going to try to predict when the next chapter will
be finished. I can say that it's started, however....

I hope you like what I've written, and if you do (or even if you don't!)
please drop me a line and let me know.

   I enjoyed it. I didn't find a whole lot of errors, either. :p

   Keep up the good work!

Thanks a lot!  I'm glad you liked it.  It's always cool to receive compliments from someone who's written so many great fics....

Raja