} Date: Sat, 01 Sep 2001 10:54:12 -0700
} From: Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org>
} Er... yeah. Sorry about the delay. ^_^;;;
This C&C is not late. You are imagining things. This C&C
is completely prompt, and when I promised it. Upon
receiving this C&C, you will send me fifty dollars.
} Blinking, her arm protectively encircling the child sleeping at her
} side, Washuu eyed the newcomer in surprise. Suu stirred slightly, but
} remained asleep. Ranma, however, was on his feet in a heartbeat, tensed
} for battle, though he held his blades in reserve. "What do you want?" he
} asked mistrustfully.
COLOGNE: A cup of sugar.
I found the phrasing a bit awkward here. My first
impression was that Suu was "the newcomer"; and then,
Ranma. Of course, this is only a problem because the scene
is set up in the previous chapter, rather than here -- which
isn't a problem if you're reading this as a story, rather
than one chapter at a time.
} The old woman before him cackled, shaking her head, "Calm yourself,
} Muko-dono. I heard from the other boys what you did. I'm
} impressed."
COLOGNE: I was ten times your age before I mastered Dance
Dance Revolution!
} She
} looked upwards, sighing, and waved her staff towards the ships overhead.
} "I've not seen anything like this in all my years. I haven't seen one of
} the 'monsters' myself, either... but I hear that you've fought some of
} them. Hmm... and the boys say that your father killed one..." she
} trailed off, frowning darkly. "But that's not the point."
RANMA: So were you gonna make one anytime soon?
This does strike me as a bit rambling for Cologne, in all
seriousness.
} He nodded again, not looking away from the small figure. "Yeah. She
} taught me the soul of ice and the hiryuu-shouten-ha."
Normally, wouldn't that be "Soul of Ice" and "Hiryuu Shouten
Ha"? (I'm not sure how you did it in the past chapters.)
} "Hey!" Ranma protested, crossing his arms over his chest. "I beat
} you before."
}
} She glanced at Ranma, and hid a small smile. "No. You beat my shark,
} Ranma."
Heh.
} He settled for glowering at the older woman, saying nothing. Washuu
} raised an eyebrow. That was likely an interesting story... time for that
} later, though. "Well, it's nice of you to offer to help, but we'd need a
} whole _army_ to try and stave off the reavers."
"interesting story. Time for" (Or use a semi-colon, or you
could leave it -- but it is an unnecessary ellipsis.)
} Cologne chuckled dryly. "Ask, and ye shall receive."
SUU: Oo! Bananas?
} Washuu blinked, her confusion rapidly growing. "What's in China?"
RANMA: *Really* good ramen.
SUU: Banana ramen?
} Yosho eyed the beat-up and worn cars as they rolled into the street
} ahead of him. The first was in fair condition, packed with a worried
} looking family, and the other was an aging and failing pickup truck,
} that sputtered and ground to a halt a short distance away.
Given that you go on to make a distinction between them, I'd
drop the "beat-up and worn". (Especially as it clashes with
the description of the first car.)
} Yosho's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Bogard-san," he called out,
} recognizing the tall man. "You came to Tokyo after all?"
BOGARD: Isn't this Kyoto?
RYOGA: That's *my* line, dammit! Follow the script!
} Terry nodded, his features still set with the seemingly dead look he
} had worn before.
I'd drop the "seemingly". The reader knows what a "dead
look" is like, and all the modifier does is weaken the description.
} Flicking the radio's volume down, the swordsman sighed, one hand
} fiddling with the 'imitation' key that Washuu had given him. He didn't
} really want to know how she had come up with it -- the woman was eerily
} capable, and it worked much like the tenchi-ken. Asking to no more would
} likely be asking for trouble. "So much for that. So what are you
} planning next?"
Hum. Again, I'd think that "Tenchi-ken" would be
capitalized, as it is a proper name.
"Asking to know more"
} Terry frowned, watching the stopped car resume its pace,
} accelerating down the still empty street.
"resume its pace" sounds odd to me, in this context.
Perhaps "lurch into motion", or similar?
} Yosho rubbed at his chin thoughtfully, then shrugged, beckoning
} Terry to follow. "Well, let's meet up with Ranma and Washuu, Bogard-san.
} Perhaps we can discuss with them."
"discuss it" or "discuss that" or "discuss bananas." You
need an object, anyways. :)
} Tenchi stalked forward, Ryouko drifting at one side, and Ayeka
} scurrying along the other, attended by the Guardians. Ryo-oh-ki sighed
} tiredly from her position atop Kamidake, while Tenchi scanned the
} largely deserted streets.
This is a really minor point, but it's not actuall clear who
the Guardians are attending to.
} "He has to be around here," he muttered. "Those girls said that
} Washuu came here with two men, and one of them was Ranma. Jiji must be
} one of the others. Why is he calling himself Yosho, though?"
RYOKO: Chicks.
AYEKA: Chicks.
KAMIDAKE: Guardians... I mean, chicks.
} Ayeka coughed politely, offering, "Katsuhito is truly Yosho,
} Tenchi-dono. He's my older brother, and the, ah, heir to the throne."
TENCHI: And the guy you wanted to boink?
AYEKA: That too.
} Ayeka nodded, while Ryouko snickered, "Just like Ayeka." The
} princess colored angrily, but said nothing at the insult.
I'd drop the "at the insult" -- a bit redundant.
} "Tenchi?" he asked, seemingly surprised at the boy's presence.
Now, this is of course personal preference, but I don't like
the use of adjectives like "seemingly surprised." It's a
bit of a cop-out. Either Yosho *is* surprised, in which
case the effect is unnecessarily weakened; or you're trying
to convey that he looks surprised to Tenchi, in which case
you're copping out on delivering a proper description (even
something as simple as "blinking in startlement").
I'll shut up now.
} "Yeah?" Tenchi managed, still horribly confused by the entire
} ordeal. "Who are you?"
YOSHO: I am your grandfather. You killed Inigo Montoya.
} Yosho looked uncomfortably, and hedged evasively, "I wanted to let
} my descendants live a life away from the pressures of the court." He
} shook his head suddenly, straightening. "What are you doing here,
} Tenchi? You should be somewhere safe -- not here."
}
} Tenchi shook his head dismissively. "It's not important... I'm here
} to find you."
If it's not important, why is he answering the question? ;)
} Eyes narrowing, Yosho clasped his hands together behind his back. It
} was a gesture Tenchi knew too well, one that made him wonder what his
} 'grandfather' was planning. "And what are you going to do now that
} you've found me?"
Yosho *is* his grandfather. The quotes are... peculiar.
} The boy's dismay increased, and he found himself struggling for
} words, no longer sure what to say. Ayeka had no subtle advice this time,
} and Ryouko seemed as much at a loss as he was. The guardians kept
} respectfully silent, and Ryo-oh-ki would likely be no help anyway...
} "So... you're just like the Emperor? You can help, but you refuse to?"
This seems a bit OOC for Tenchi to me. He strikes me as
much more likely to shout out the real situation here,
rather than being bullied into submission. A recurring
theme in the OAVs (and the manga which shares the
continuity) is how in times of stree, Tenchi's leader
qualities come forth.
} Not even thinking about it, but surrendering to his rage, Tenchi
} lashed out, shoving the taller man. "Stop being such an idiot! Lives are
} at stake! Come _on_!"
}
} Yosho staggered back, seemingly shocked at Tenchi's lashing out.
} "NO!" he roared, shoving Tenchi back. "I'll not speak of this further."
} With that Yosho turned his back on Tenchi, leaving the boy to fume at
} nothing.
"Lashing out" twice in short order. It's not clear that
Tenchi physically lashed out. See my notes on
"seemingly". ;)
And, again, this just seems very OOC. Tenchi and Yosho have
both been always fairly level-headed, with a great deal of
respect for each other -- Tenchi is arguably closer to his
grandfather than his father. This whole fight, coming as it
does basically from the refusal of either to listen or
explain, is a bit hard to swallow, even with the
circumstances.
} He sighed, rising slightly. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do
} about it, but okay. Where are they?" He glanced down at Washuu, who was
} watching him intently. "Um... Washuu...I'll be back in a bit. Tsunami
} needs me to look at something."
WASHUU: Ranma, you pervert! *WHAM!*
} He nodded in understanding, flashing her a quick grin before rising
} into the air, guided by Tsunami's voice. "They are east of you, Ranma,
} some distance, but you should be able to tell the place when you see it."
"recognize the place", perhaps?
} The answer that came back was somewhat hesitant. "I... asked
} Saryu-oh for help, and I know the way your jewels work."
... I don't think I can come up with a perverted comment to
top that, you know.
} Ranma blinked at that, wondering if the normally stately woman had
} said the words he had thought he heard. "Um," he said after a moment,
} deciding it was merely wording, and nothing else, "you mean the stone in
} my wrist?"
TSUNAMI: Oh, my. Masu anatomy is certainly very strange.
} Flinching in surprise, he stepped back, narrowly deflecting her
} punch. "Hey," he said, seemingly calm despite the situation, "is that
} how it is? I don't want to hurt you."
BOGARD: Love! And Peace!
} Snorting, he dodged past her next attack, a perfectly placed elbow
} strike slamming into the back of her neck as she slipped past him,
} sending her sprawling. Pulling herself to her feet, she eyed the man,
} awaiting her in a loose, mobile stance, and spat out the dirt and gravel
} from her awkward landing. "Your call. Terry the 'Lone Wolf' Bogard. Your
} name?"
"Terry 'The Lone Wolf' Bogard" (Unless his name is Terry
the Bogard, of course. ;)
} The man edged back warily at the sight of the blade, seeming to take
} a moment to focus himself. A lambent sheet of blue flame seemed to erupt
} from somewhere within the man, cloaking him in its glowing aura. "No
} more playing nice, eh?"
RYOKO: Pewwwww-ee!
} Yosho raised his shield arm, deflecting a strike that would have
} gotten through. "Hah," he snorted. "If you believe that, then you are a
} fool, Tenchi! I thought you were raised more intelligently."
YOSHO: I mean, I bought Dr. Spock and everything!
} Another voice broke the pair's concentration. "No, but you should
} listen to your mother, and she says you're being a spoiled brat." A
} newcomer landed near Terry, eyeing Ryouko warily. "Bogard-san," he
} remarked, only pausing to glance at the blond man, "it's been a while.
} I'll stay here, can you help Yosho for me?"
"stay here. Can you help" (Need a new sentence.)
} "Tsunami asked me to keep Yosho and Tenchi from killing each other."
} He paused for a moment, glancing towards something over one shoulder
} before admitting, "Well, not entirely. She had much prettier words.
} Anyway. I'm not in the mood to let you go around blowing up half the
} city and maybe some of our allies while you're at it."
RYOKO: Oh yeah?
RANMA: Yeah. If you're not gonna get the whole city,
don't bother.
RYOKO: Um. Right.
} He perched loosely atop a weather vane, looking down at the pitted
} and ruined rooftop. "What the hell?" he muttered. "You can only break
} things. You can only destroy."
... This from Saotome "Mountain-smasher" Ranma?
} The boy stared, seemingly shocked, and clenched his fists at his
} side. "Eh?" His eyes dimmed, and he blinked. "I'm..." He shook his head.
} "You're saying that I'm only a weapon, aren't you?"
RYOKO: No. You have a blender attachment, too.
} Righting herself and rebounding off of the surface, she leapt
} upwards, bearing her energy blade. "What?"
That exclamation makes no sense to me in context, I'm afraid.
} Ryouko sank beneath the street, leaving Ranma to plow into it,
} creating a meters-wide crater limed in sharpened fragments of frozen and
} icy asphalt. "Oh-HO!" Ryouko exclaimed, reappearing above Ranma. "So who
} are _you_?"
"crater lined in sharpened" (typo)
} Ranma snarled wordlessly, willing himself to shift back into his
} proper form. There was a moist... tearing sensation from deep inside, as
} the change took place, but he ignored it, reassuming the form he wanted.
} "I'm the same damn person I've always been," he growled.
RANMA: Well, except for the Neko-ken. And the time I got
hit on the head and became a girl. And....
} Tsunami wasn't certain when she had told Saryu-oh to send her to the
} site, but she knew that she had arrived, and everyone on the street had
} paused their senseless melee to look at her. She looked at both Tenchi
} and Yosho sternly, crossing her arms over her chest. "What is the
} meaning of this?" she asked.
TENCHI: Well, in the Jungian philosophy, fighting is an
external manifestation of....
} Tenchi sheathed his blade, stepping back from Yosho, as the older
} man did the same. Yosho spoke first. "Tsunami-sama, I'm sorry. Tenchi...
} does not quite understand the situation that we are in here--"
}
} The boy overrode his grandfather. "Tsunami! Yosho is being an idiot--"
YOSHO: Am not! You're the stupid-head!
} The two found themselves silenced by Ayeka. "You're _both_ being
} idiots!"
Well, *this* I can agree with.
} Tsunami blinked, turning to face her theoretical sibling. "Can you
} tell me what is happening?"
"Theoretical sibling" doesn't sound right to me, but I'll be
damned if I could come up with a better term.
} The scientist resisted the urge to laugh, half-afraid that the
} carefully restrained hysteria would break loose. "I'm much older than I
} look," she assured the Amazon. "I can go for a few days without sleep
} just fine."
WASHUU: At least, that's what the pixies tell me. Could
you pass me more of those pills, please?
} Nodding slowly, the old woman stared at Washuu's screen. "That's an
} interesting device... I'll trust you on this -- you feel like the type
} that knows what you are doing. But what will this benefit us?"
WASHUU: Think of the tourism! Reaver-spotting tours!
Postcards! Little plushies!
} His mind balked for a moment, a surge of pain and confusion denying
} him the correct answer. "I'm..." he shook his head, staring at her
} again. "I'm not givin' up. I'm not loosing. I don't... don't care. Gonna
} beat you, then I'm gonna beat the reavers."
"I'm not losing." (typo)
} The darkness encroached further, the woman before him staring from a
} pinpoint of light in a vast sea of black, as his hand fell away. A slow
} rushing noise filled his ears, and he dimly heard his voice, slowly and
} thickly, so different as to be someone else's... "Gotta protect... what
} I... love..."
And ever after, his ghost haunted the restaurants of Nerima.
} Ran-oh-ki winced, turning his head about and sniffing in worry. His
} partner was in pain, and only getting worse.
"In" should be "a", I think. ;)
} Tsunami stared into the distance, seemingly distracted by something,
} while everyone else had simply lapsed into silence, ignoring everyone.
} Perhaps waiting for him to make the next move, he thought.
You really need to make clear who "he" is. Unless Tsunami's
changed genders, that is.
} Yosho's eyes widened in shock. Tenchi, as Yosho had known him, was
} strong of will, and not one to so casually back down from something he
} had chosen to fight for. That the boy would simply throw away everything
} -- his attack on Yosho, their argument, his position of superiority --
} was staggering. That he threw himself to the ground, and used the name
} that he had... "Tenchi. Stop."
"Position of superiority"? Since when?
} It galled him, churning his stomach. Tenchi remained where he was,
} speaking loudly enough to be heard from his awkward position. "This one
} humbly begs an answer of you, Yosho-sama."
... I am suddenly reminded of the whips'n'chains nature of
Jurai romance. This isn't about to go yaoi on me, is it?
} Yosho blinked, trying to focus his thoughts from the frantic and
} confused jumble that they had assumed with the knowledge of his
} inevitable return to Jurai. He had spent hundreds of years on earth
} avoiding that return. To no avail, now.
"years on Earth" (should be capitalized)
} Terry winced, perhaps something in Yosho's words resonating with
} something in himself, or his own past. "I think I can understand that,"
} he said after a moment. "So you're gonna leave, but you don't want to?"
I'd suggest dropping the "or his own past" -- implied as is.
} Yosho pursed his lips thoughtfully. "My Father wishes me to take the
} throne, which I have long been trying to avoid."
"My father wishes me" (no capital.)
} Then, too, she remembered the first incident clearly from the second
} instance her hand had been forced.
That's a wee bit incoherent, I think.
} Tenchi was dying, his body almost entirely reduced to ash in what
} had ultimately been a futile display of... phenomenal stupidity. Not
} that she could fault him. He had done what he believed in, which was
} admirable, even if not successful.
"Tenchi had been dying", I think.
} Ryouko fidgeted for a moment, her gaze darting from Yosho to Terry,
} then back to Tenchi, as her smile slipped. "Nothing," she said after a
} moment. "He finally ran away."
}
} Yosho raised an eyebrow at that, shaking his head dourly. "That boy?
} I don't think he knows how to."
YOSHO: I've been trying to teach him. It's embarassing,
really. At least he knows how to levitate....
} Washuu grimaced, explaining, "It's not that easy. Not everyone is in
} the form that Ranma and Yosho are --
"shape" or "condition", rarely "form" in this context.
} Pausing to gather herself, the woman explained, "Ranma-dono... had a
} disagreement with Ryouko." She sighed, kneeling at Ranma's side, and
} patting his head affectionately. "I'm... I am afraid that Ryouko was not
} careful... and Ranma-dono has... died. He pushed himself too hard, On--
} He pushed himself too hard, Washuu-chan."
" -- he pushed himself" (no capital)
} Tsunami sighed sadly. "Yes, but Ranma-dono... his human half was not
} strong enough. His heart failed him, and he pushed himself too hard...
} nothing of Ranma-dono remains as human."
}
} The redheaded scientist trembled, blinking away moistness in her
} eyes. "Well," she said, struggling for control, "he never knew about the
} chance that he had stolen from him, did he?"
}
} "Washuu-chan?" the other woman asked, cocking her head to one side.
} Cologne merely watched, wondering what knowledge she could glean from
} the pair.
This is a bit strange. The first paragraph makes it seem
like Tsunami knows about Ranma's situation, the third
implies differently.
} Flinching, Ranma managed a nod. "Yeah... yeah I did."
"Yeah... yeah, I did." (Need a comma.)
} Tsunami offered a hopeful smile to Cologne and Washuu, then clasped
} her hands together, fading away into the column of light that teleported
} her into one of the awaiting warships above. The redhead smirked to
} herself, fighting back the more than a week of fatigue.
That last bit is awkward. I'd suggest making it just
"fighting back more than a week of".
} Washuu snorted, shaking her head. "Trust me," she remarked dryly,
} "you haven't seen anything yet."
}
} The woman raised an eyebrow at that. "Oh?" she asked. "What will
} happen next?"
WASHUU: Behold... talking mimes!
} Cologne shrugged thoughtfully. "Perhaps something to eat would be in
} order. Do you like ramen?"
WASHU: Banana ramen? No, wait, sorry, that's not my dialogue.
} Ryouko stalked towards the young man and the two women chatting with
} him before the door to the building. Washuu had said to find Ranma, and
} he was _probably_ in that building, but... "Excuse me," she said,
} probably a little more brusquely than she had intended. Calming herself,
} she tried again, "Excuse me, do you know where 'Ranma' is?"
Why is 'Ranma' in single quotes?
} The boy stared at her, hard, and she was unable to meet his eyes,
} gazing imperiously over his shoulder. "Well," she began slowly, "I, uh,
} thought you were stronger than you were."
Why is he looking over his shoulder? Weren't they facing off?
} He furrowed his brow, and she looked away, idly toying with the same
} strand of hair again. He sighed, deciding she had opted to leave him
} alone with his thoughts, and watched as a van pulled up to the compound,
} the tires scraping against the sidewalk before it came to a halt.
That's an awfully... safe parking job for Seta.
} Terry shouted, "Seta!" Extending one fist as he dashed towards the
} other man.
}
} Snapping his head to one side, Seta matched Terry's gesture, and the
} two halted, fists meeting loudly, while Seta yelled, "Terry!"
}
} Yosho blinked, and the men embraced, pounding each other on the
} back. "Man," Seta commented, pushing Terry away to look at him more
} clearly, "I haven't seen you since I dropped out of the circuit!" He
} shook his head, stepping back and grinning. "How have you been, Terry?
} Did you finally win?"
Heh.
} Ryouko waved a hand dismissively, "You get used to it. C'mon, follow
} me." With that, she pointed at one of the Juraian warships, its
} ponderous bulk still circling the harbor. "Let's race."
}
} Ranma grinned slowly. "You're on."
This was a good scene.
} But this story writes itself, so this is what you get for now.
} Please find it in your hearts to forgive me. ^_^;;;
Only if you release the next chapter soon. :P
Good fic. I had much less to say about the second half of
the fic, as it was quite solid. The Washuu/Ryoko scene was
done very well, in my opinion; it captured the complicated
relationship between the two.
Bjorn