} Date: Wed, 19 Sep 2001 00:47:17 -0700
} From: Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org>
} >This C&C is not late. You are imagining things. This C&C
} >is completely prompt, and when I promised it. Upon
} >receiving this C&C, you will send me fifty dollars.
} I'll get RIGHT ON THAT!
Hm. Do you mow lawns, too? ;)
} I think I capitalized HSH in theUC, and the Soul of Ice in other
} fics, but not in this one.
}
} I'm consistant to the fic, if not _all_ my fics. :/
As long as it's consistent. :)
} >} He settled for glowering at the older woman, saying nothing. Washuu
} >} raised an eyebrow. That was likely an interesting story... time for that
} >} later, though. "Well, it's nice of you to offer to help, but we'd need a
} >} whole _army_ to try and stave off the reavers."
} >"interesting story. Time for" (Or use a semi-colon, or you
} >could leave it -- but it is an unnecessary ellipsis.)
}
} Are you sure? I wanted to -- kind of -- indicate her train of
} thought wandering before getting back on track with a 'soft' interupt,
} rather than a hard one. Hm.
I'm sure that it's unnecessary -- but that doesn't mean it's
wrong. :) An ellipsis marks words that have been omitted.
The text works fine without having to imagine other words in
place; hence it is unnecessary.
I've noticed that anime fanfiction tends to use ellipses
much more often than is normal in English prose or fiction.
I've got two hypotheses to explain that, but both are rather
irrelevant. :)
} >RANMA: *Really* good ramen.
} >
} >SUU: Banana ramen?
} You begin to see why she was left asleep for this scene. :p
Nope, not really. You're *really* lacking on the bananas,
you know.
} >I'd drop the "seemingly". The reader knows what a "dead
} >look" is like, and all the modifier does is weaken the description.
} >
}
} Really? Wow. You learn something new every day...
}
} I thought it meant that he seemed to look dead. Huh.
A synonym for "seemingly" is "apparently." Substitute that
word in, and I hope you'll see what I mean. "Seemingly"
implies that there's a deception in place.
} >Hum. Again, I'd think that "Tenchi-ken" would be
} >capitalized, as it is a proper name.
}
} Is it? They're refering to it as 'the' ... And then, I've been doing
} that since chapter one...
Well, but we also refer to the Eiffel Tower, the Tokyo
Tower, etc. Usage of "the" doesn't mean it's not a proper
name.
It's your call. If someone made another master key, would
you call it a tenchi-ken as well? If so, then you're fine.
} >"Asking to know more"
}
} Jason Liao caught that one. :p
Damn him! Stealing my C&C! I will never forgive him!
} >} Tenchi stalked forward, Ryouko drifting at one side, and Ayeka
} >} scurrying along the other, attended by the Guardians. Ryo-oh-ki sighed
} >} tiredly from her position atop Kamidake, while Tenchi scanned the
} >} largely deserted streets.
} >This is a really minor point, but it's not actuall clear who
} >the Guardians are attending to.
} Actually. But they're attending the group as a whole.
-_- Aren't there rules against C&Cing the C&C?
Then I think you need to same somthing like "all watched
over by" or something. For some reason, that phrasing makes
me think the Guardians are only attending to one person.
This, however, may indicate no more than the fact that it's
time to take my medicine. Come to me, Dr. J. Daniels!
} >Now, this is of course personal preference, but I don't like
} >the use of adjectives like "seemingly surprised." It's a
} >bit of a cop-out. Either Yosho *is* surprised, in which
} >case the effect is unnecessarily weakened; or you're trying
} >to convey that he looks surprised to Tenchi, in which case
} >you're copping out on delivering a proper description (even
} >something as simple as "blinking in startlement").
}
} A cop-out? If I knew what that meant, I'd be offended. Um. I mean, I
} am offended. Seemingly. Bleah.
As in, skipping out on doing something with an inadequate excuse.
} "Once again, things that it would have been usefull for me to know
} YESTERDAY!"
}
} Name the quote, get a cookie.
I'm, um, allergic to cookies, so I'm, um, not going to try. Right.
} And now I'm noticing that a lot of them work as is -- the people who
} are observing aren't always certain. But a lot of them have to go.
Well, "seemingly" implies that the person is doubting the
reaction, rather than unsure. So I'd say "Nixon was
seemingly repenetant", but not "Brian was seemingly
concerned with the quality of his work." (I, uh, hope. ;)
This is a minor point, but there you go. Damn those
grammar-text-beatings.
People pointing out that connotation and denotation have
nothing at all to do with grammar texts will not be
appreciated, by the way.
} >} "Yeah?" Tenchi managed, still horribly confused by the entire
} >} ordeal. "Who are you?"
} >
} >YOSHO: I am your grandfather. You killed Inigo Montoya.
} Hm. 'The Pirates' Bride'. Naaahh...
I'm not putting these in for you. I'm hoping Adrian Tymes
will pick one up. ;)
} >} Eyes narrowing, Yosho clasped his hands together behind his back. It
} >} was a gesture Tenchi knew too well, one that made him wonder what his
} >} 'grandfather' was planning. "And what are you going to do now that
} >} you've found me?"
} >Yosho *is* his grandfather. The quotes are... peculiar.
} Actually, he's not. Yosho's his great^(some random
} power)-grandfather. The quotes are there because Tenchi feeld hurt by
} the deception and betrayal.
Unless I'm very, very badly mistaken, Yosho *is* Tenchi's
grandfather, being the father of Tenchi's mother. In the
OAV continuity, the Tenchi 101 claimed that Yosho was *also*
Nobuyuki's great-to-the-nth grandfather; but that only makes
Tenchi welcome in the Ozarks.
If anyone can contradict me, of course, I'd be happy to
know. It's certainly true in the first movie, and in the
manga.
} >And, again, this just seems very OOC. Tenchi and Yosho have
} >both been always fairly level-headed, with a great deal of
} >respect for each other -- Tenchi is arguably closer to his
} >grandfather than his father. This whole fight, coming as it
} >does basically from the refusal of either to listen or
} >explain, is a bit hard to swallow, even with the
} >circumstances.
} >
}
} Well, shoot. I have no idea what to do about this, then.
}
} It works for _me_, but then...
Then leave it. It's a small bit, it can be explained by the
stresses of the situation, and if *everyone* agreed on all
characterizations, then there wouldn't be as much flaming
about character-bashing. ;)
} >} Another voice broke the pair's concentration. "No, but you should
} >} listen to your mother, and she says you're being a spoiled brat." A
} >} newcomer landed near Terry, eyeing Ryouko warily. "Bogard-san," he
} >} remarked, only pausing to glance at the blond man, "it's been a while.
} >} I'll stay here, can you help Yosho for me?"
} >
} >"stay here. Can you help" (Need a new sentence.)
}
} Semi-colon?
That is also legal.
} >} He perched loosely atop a weather vane, looking down at the pitted
} >} and ruined rooftop. "What the hell?" he muttered. "You can only break
} >} things. You can only destroy."
} >
} >... This from Saotome "Mountain-smasher" Ranma?
} >
} Pre-Mt. Pheonix -- drawing on what he said the last time in the
} manga I could see the chips being down for him. Vs. Kuumon. Granted,
} that was with the insight of the Umisen-ken, but this actually has
} relevance to... something that hasn't been revealed yet. Bwahahaha!
Well, it's post-Herb, so he's already participated in one
mountain-smashing. And the comment to Kuumon was
specifically in the context of using the Forbidden Arts to
rebuild the Kuumon dojo....
But it's not a big deal. I just thought it was funny. ;)
} >} Righting herself and rebounding off of the surface, she leapt
} >} upwards, bearing her energy blade. "What?"
} >That exclamation makes no sense to me in context, I'm afraid.
} I see no exclamation.
Exclamation. Interjection. Whatever. I mean the "What?",
and I read it as an expression of shock on Ryoko's part.
} I'll have to guess you mean the, "What?" which, since there is no
} exclamation point, is a question. They _are_ still conversing, even as
} they fight.
}
} But I'll change it to, "What are you talking about?" if that'll help.
That would, indeed, help. :)
} >} Ryouko sank beneath the street, leaving Ranma to plow into it,
} >} creating a meters-wide crater limed in sharpened fragments of frozen and
} >} icy asphalt. "Oh-HO!" Ryouko exclaimed, reappearing above Ranma. "So who
} >} are _you_?"
} >
} >"crater lined in sharpened" (typo)
} >
}
} http://www.dictionary.com/cgi-bin/dict.pl?term=limed
}
} Check the second defenition.
... You mean the one that says "to smear with lime?"
I've *never* heard this verb used outside the context of
construction. That doesn't mean it's wrong, I suppose, if
it's a dialect difference. But....
} Shame! You pass up grammar jokes in favor of freudian humor... and
} the banana references! I worry about you, boy. ;)
I'm trying to branch out. I'm going to go for dark and
angsty in my next C&C.
"Always the grammar mistakes! Why do I have to deal with
them? Why can't I run away?"
} >... I am suddenly reminded of the whips'n'chains nature of
} >Jurai romance. This isn't about to go yaoi on me, is it?
}
} I'm reasonably sure that's just fanfic convention.
}
} Where 'reasonably sure' means 'very hopeful', of course.
I *think* it's actually canon for one of the TV series,
established by some song or special or something. If
someone can confirm that for me, I would a) be grateful and
b) probably edge away as fast as I can. ;)
} And no. It's not about to go yaoi suddenly. It'll be gradual, and
} over the course of several chapters. Why do you ask?
Just checking. Though I *am* looking forward to the
shower'n'soap scene with Terry and Seta in the next chapter!
} >} Pausing to gather herself, the woman explained, "Ranma-dono... had a
} >} disagreement with Ryouko." She sighed, kneeling at Ranma's side, and
} >} patting his head affectionately. "I'm... I am afraid that Ryouko was not
} >} careful... and Ranma-dono has... died. He pushed himself too hard, On--
} >} He pushed himself too hard, Washuu-chan."
} >
} >" -- he pushed himself" (no capital)
}
} Are you sure? It's not shifting tack midsentence, it's ending once
} sentence abruptly, and begining a new one.
I'm pretty sure that '--' is not valid punctuation with
which to end a sentence. It would be like "too hard, He
pushed". But, come to think of it, I'm not positive.
} >WASHU: Banana ramen? No, wait, sorry, that's not my dialogue.
} This banana fixation worried me, my friend.
I'm not the person who wrote a fic with Suu in it that never
mentioned bananas.
} Thanks for taking the time to C&C. Now when is YOUR next fic going
} to come out?
Well, um, probably -- oh, hey, bananas! Gotta run!
Bjorn