Most weapons are still traditional as well. There are a few rifles and
other firearms throughout Hyrule, but you'll rarely find anything more
sophisticated than a Bombchu in regular use - again, the more complicated a
machine is, the harder it is to use and maintain. Bombchus are typically 

made

to explode anyway, as are the more mundane (and much more common) bombs. It
helps that Hyrule hasn't had to fight a war against outside invaders in
several millenia, of course.

 Which just begs the question (from me, at least): what lies beyond
 the borders of Hyrule?

 (hmm... story idea?  Must consider this...)

Actually, this has sort of been covered. Link's Awakening takes place on 
Koholint Island ... well, if you've finished that game you know it's a LITTLE 
more complicated than that. Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages occur in 
Holodrum and Labrynna, respectively. There are certainly other countries 
beyond Hyrule's own borders, in any case.

 I had to think about this for a minute to realize what you
 (probably?) meant.  Granted, it's a nice turn of phrase, and a good,
 succint description of the object in question, but 'fragment-etched
 pot' by itself takes a fair bit of thinking to puzzle out.  For me,
 at least.

 Perhaps something a bit more... expressive?  Say,

         ... throwing boomerangs or fragile pots (to simulate ...

 Or something along those lines, perhaps.

Hmmmm. Seeing as I have to COMPLETELY REFORMAT both the prologue and the first 
actual chapter (Listar eats my formatting ;.;), I'll give this some thought. 
The idea is that the pots are made in a manner similar to "pre-fragmented" 
bullets: there are seams etched into them so that they'll shatter more easily. 
(But then, apparently you figured that one out ...)

to hone their skills. Most of the time these are just friendly 

competitions,

but you'll also find young warriors who are honing their skills in earnest,
for hunting or to try for a spot in the royal guard. However, the really
serious training is done indoors, where the trainees can be carefully 

watched

by those who are teaching them.
     Or at least that's the idea.

 Just a minor nit-pick, here, but I think you'd do better to put a
 scene break between this and the following paragraph.  It seems a
 natural place for a scene break; much like the intro sections of
 movies and anime, where the camera is slowly panning over the
 countryside while the narrator starts the tale, the preceding
 paragraphs feel like an intro.  From this last sentence on, though,
 it feels like the action has started.

Scene break just before "Or at least that's the idea" or just after?
In defense of the way I wrote this passage originally, I'm very fond of Diane 
Duane's style of opening a novel with some general background narrative, then 
leading directly into the story from that. (I'm also fond of Diane Duane's 
work generally, or at least what I've read of it ... n.n)

 That's just my opinion, though, and it's not like it detracts from
 the tale as-is. ;)

My writer's ego thanks you for the compliment. n.n

     Link took a few steps back, tightening his guard and watching both of
his opponents. "Yeah, well, if you want a Link, you've got him."
     "Don't you mean the weak Link in the chain?" Lomar charged forward,

 Boo!  Bad pun!  Boo!

^_^;; He *does* get teased about his name ... what would you expect if your 
culture had a dozen legends about a great hero (or several of them) and you 
happened to have the same name as said hero(es)?

     The next slash came square across Link's shield, but with enough force
at just the right angle to send him sprawling flat on his back. "So count
yourselves lucky -" Link rolled away, hand clenched tightly around the hilt 

of

his sword. "- that we don't have any evil kings being resurrected this 

year!"

 <cue ominous music>

Foreshadowing: check. ^_-

     "I don't care whose idea it was, Link, you *know* the rules of any
training hall: no duels, practice or otherwise, are to be held without 

proper

supervision and equipment. If any of you were using sharp or metal swords 

I'd

already have your hides soaking in oak and water, but since I only see 

wooden

 I can only presume that this is a Hylian euphemism for "I'll tan yer
 hide, boy!"?

That's the general idea. n.n

 It has a nice touch.  I like.

Thank you. n.n

swords - without padding, but not sharpened - I'll let you three off with a
month of daily clean-up duty, and no excuses if you're not here to do it. I
don't care if the Evil King," the teacher paused to trace a sigil in the 

air,

"does walk in here and demand that everyone bow to him: you three *will* be
here daily after lesson time, even if we don't have lessons on a given day,
and I'll personally make sure you have work to do. Understood?"

 GANON: BOW BEFORE ME, PUNY HYLIAN SCUM!
 KIDS: B-but Ganon, sir, we've got chores...
 GANON: Oh, well, by all means, then...

<snickers>

     Link managed a wry grin as he handed his sword and shield over to 

Lomar.

"See you tomorrow, Loam."

 I'd hate to have that as a nickname.  I mean, really -- Smelly Dirt?
  (well, that's ONE interpretation... ;)

Actually, it could be worse ... "loam" is fertile soil, ne?

     Link's father waited until the other students had cleared the training
hall before motioning at the floor around where Link was standing. "Start
picking up those splinters - oh, close the emergency kit first, we don't 

need

to keep any extra injuries in there." As Link began working, his father

 ???  Not quite sure what that phrase means.

Another figure of speech, and/or superstitious reference. If you have 
something that's only opened when someone's been hurt ...

     "Our family's got as much right to use the Kaitengiri technique as any
warrior clan among the Hylians ... but I trusted you to have the judgement 

not

to use it unless you absolutely had to. It's on every damn shield in this
training hall, Link - the Triforce. Courage and Power you've got, but you 

make

me wonder about Wisdom at least twice a week, usually more. I was starting 

to

worry before today, you've been unusually sound in your judgement lately 

..."

 Heh!

n.n

     "Well ... the truth is, nobody's too certain, but there are more
efficient ways to strike out with focused power than to swing your weapon

 Hinting at some new abilities for later on, I hope? :)

Like the beam attack? Hmmmmmmm ... I haven't decided quite yet. On which note:

 I always thought it sucked that the move changed from throwing a
 blade of energy at your foes (Zeldas I, II, maybe others) to
 swinging your blade in a circle around you, trailing energy behind
 (Ocarina of Time, Mask [I think], etc).

The sword beam and the spin attack are actually completely different 
techniques. I know that in the two-dimensional Zelda games from Link to the 
Past onwards, you don't start out with the beam ability BUT once you get the 
level-2 sword, you also get the ability to shoot sword beams ... as long, at 
least, as you're at full health. (The good thing about the spin attack is that 
you can always do it regardless of health, as long as you have the time to 
charge it.)

     "Still, it takes a few seconds to prepare, and it requires full
concentration while you're getting ready to unleash the Kaitengiri. The
technique may have grown some weaknesses since its origin, for all we 

know."

 Hear, hear!  I've beaten all the Zelda games (and yes, I do realize
 that this is not *exactly* based directly on any of them), and lemme
 tell ya: the only thing I really used the Spin Attack for was to cut
 down a bunch of bushes at once so I didn't have to walk around and
 whack 'em all! :)

Mmmm, I've made some use of it in actual (in-game) combat. It does 
significantly more damage than a regular stab or slash, which is always a 
benefit.

     "This 'everyone' you mention must have a penchant for denying 

reality."

Link's father scowled, but this time the scowl was directed at empty air.
"Look, you know about Heart crystals backwards and forwards; you always 

make

sure to handle them with null-magic gloves or tongs, something that won't
conduct the energy back into you. Even ordinary metal or dead wood carries 

the

life-essence back to the living being holding it. Now, where do Hearts come
from?"
     "They're crystallized life-essence," answered Link dutifully, "in a
loose matrix which remains stable until it comes into contact with a living
flow of life-force energy."

 Y'know, I just want to say that this is the best take on the whole
 Hearts concept I've seen in Zelda fanfiction -- not that I've seen a
 whole lot of it, mind you -- and I really like it.

There's other Zelda fanfiction out there? I know I haven't seen any of it ... 
at least nothing good enough to remember. ^^;
I'm glad you like the way I'm handling the Hearts issue, since I honestly 
can't think of a way to bypass the whole Hearts (and Heart Containers) 
question.

 Also: I like the whole setup you seem to have going here -- ie, the
 Hylians aren't backwoods hicks, they know about and understand
 technology, they just choose not to use it unless needed.  Very
 spiff!

<smiles> Again, thank you. n.n

                         TO BE CONTINUED

 You had better! :)

Chapter one is basically complete, but since Listar eats my formatting (or at 
least, it disappears somewhere between my sending it to the FFML and getting 
the same story back) it's going to take a little longer before I post it ... 
c.c I'd much rather know that everyone can tell where the paragraph breaks 
are, which is getting fouled up somewhere in the process.

     Quick recap here: I've played part of the original Legend of Zelda, a
little bit of The Adventure of Link (I didn't like the changes), about the
first half of A Link to the Past (through the fight with Agahnim in the
castle), and both Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons, in both individual 

and

continuation modes. Link's Awakening and the N64 Zelda games I've only
heard/read about.

 Bwah?  Okay... I gotta say, you've really got a feel for the Ocarina
 of Time continuity, then.  Especially for never having played it.

I have some very well-informed friends. ^_^;; Fortunately they've been willing 
to share their knowledge with console-deprived me. (There's also the infamous 
look-through-strategy-guides trick, which I'm not above using in a pinch. 
n.n;)

     Nintendo's own website for the Zelda universe would have you believe
that all of the Zelda games take place over the lifetime of a single Link; 

I

 Nintendo can go spit up a rope; we fans know the truth. :)

Indeed. n.n And would that be a regular rope or one of those bum-rushing 
snake-beasties?

 [snip era discussion]

 That's my take on it as well, with the caveat that I've yet to
 marshal the resources to purchase Majora's Mask (although what I've
 read about it leads me to believe that the safest way to think about
 it, in terms of how it fits into the whole Zelda storyline, is to
 treat it as an excursion into a parallel dimension! ;), and as such,
 I tend to leave it out of my, er, calculations. :)

Actually, that's pretty much exactly what happens, from what I know. Instead 
of Hyrule, Majora's Mask takes place in Termina ... a parallel dimension to 
Hyrule. n.n;

 This is some excellent work.  I've only seen one other Zelda fanfic
 cross the FFML since I came on board back in... um... '98, I want to
 say?  At any rate, this is technically superb, and if the plot lives
 up to its prologue, the story will blow my doors off. :)

I *think* I've been on the FFML about that long, maybe longer, and I honestly 
don't remember that other Zelda fanfic. (On the other hand, I think I can 
safely say I'd rather not read it while I'm in the middle of writing my own 
series ... I don't want to accidentally steal any ideas. ^^;;)

 I couldn't find any problems with this piece, although there are
 several items that leave me wondering.  I believe I'll list them
 here, but don't worry overmuch about answering them; this is just me
 being excited about something. :)

 1) What was Link's father's name?  About halfway through one section
 of this chapter (measured from where we first see him to where he's
 been put on ice), I found myself becoming slightly -- very slightly
 -- irritated that we didn't know his name.  Why, I couldn't tell
 you... that's just the way I felt.

I couldn't come up with a good name while I was writing, and to be honest I 
didn't think he needed one (since he was due to be killed off by the chapter's 
end). If I think of one, though, I'll slip it in.

 2) This is more approving than disapproving, despite what I'm about
 to say, so take it as such, please. :)  I found the use of language,
 specifically epithets and cursing, to be somewhat jarring,
 considering the source material.  Zelda canon, AFAIK, *never* used
 any sort of swearing whatsoever.  Now, bear in mind that I've only
 had experience with the American releases of Zelda games, and the
 American market is well-known (perhaps infamous would be a better
 word?) for 'cleaning up' Japanese originals to fit cultural mores.
 I personally prefer the more mature theme you've portrayed here...
 but it IS, again AFAIK, going against canon.  Whether you want to do
 that or not is, of course, up to you. :)

The Zelda games I've played are incredibly low on dialogue, though. (Of 
course, this leaves the N64 games out completely ...) There's going to be 
significantly more conversation (and Link thinking out loud/talking to 
himself) than the games have.

 3) Moblins?  I'm familiar with most Hyrulian monsters, but this one
 just doesn't ring a bell.

Not quite sure how to describe them ... Sort of like orcs or goblins, I guess. 
They wander around, they originally threw spears but the recognizable Moblins 
in later games sometimes use other weapons.

 4) The thought of using Bombchus as weapons of war just scares me.
 Does the term 'friendly fire' mean anything to you? ;)

Heheh. n.n Kawaii doesn't always mean friendly, you know. Just look at B.B. 
Hood ... or any number of other anime characters who are both extremely cute 
and extremely deadly.

 5) I was somewhat disappointed that Twinrova offed Zelda's parents
 so quickly.  Given, the Hyrule people haven't seen war in -- well,
 quite a while -- and as such, aren't likely to be too well prepared
 for this sort of thing... but, still.  A final death scene where one
 or the other entrusts Link (who's the only one left around, everyone
 else having fled in panic) with Zelda's safety or the quest to
 return the Triforce or some such, would justify their quick demise,
 in my opinion.  As is... well, to be blunt, it feels as though you
 trotted out some stock characters and killed them just to drive home
 a point (ie, Twinrova's a bitch).  This may be what you intended,
 but I'd like it more, I think, if they were a bit more important to
 the story.  I mean, they ARE the King and Queen, after all. :)

Part of what I wanted to bring out in the prologue is Zelda's own strength. 
Even though she doesn't stand a chance against Twinrova (or Ganon) on her own, 
she has the willpower to stand up to them - at least in the short term - even 
if she *is* completely on her own.
And don't worry, there'll be someone in the next chapter to entrust Link with 
his quest. n.- I may, however, consider revising this scene a bit to keep the 
mature royalty around *just* a little longer. I make no promises at this 
juncture, though ...

 At any rate, I'm eagerly looking forward to more of this!

And I'm looking forward to posting more, but please bear with me just a little 
longer. n.n;;

Tim Miller
trmiller@bcpl.net

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