On Tue, Sep 18, 2001 at 10:29:36PM -0400, Richard Robinson wrote:
Hummm, Nabiki thought " I need to work on associations. I
almost didn't catch Ranma's hints about Ryoga and P-Chan. I
will try to deduce something about all the people I know,
just for practice."
"Uncle Genma, lets see, He's fat, Lazy, doesn't like to
associate with women. He left his wife and lived alone with
Ranma for ten years. .He isn't interested in moving back
with an oversexed woman like Nodoka . He is scared of her
sword and acts like she has seriously hurt him with it in
the past.
"Oh my lord , he is a Eunuch.
Good God, you've got a lot of punctuation, spacing, and capitalization
errors.
The first paragraph sounds so flat it's laughable. Even 'Nabiki
thought, "Hmm, money is really important. I should get a lot of it."'
would catch the reader's attention more.
The second paragraph is also bad. Where'd you get the idea that Nodoka
is oversexed? From Staik? Just because she has warped ideas about
Ranma's manliness, doesn't mean she goes bedhopping. And hell, there's
lotsa more uses for a katana than that. Like, you know,
seppuku. Genma's always thinking with his belly, see?
I think this was supposed to be a spamfic. You need to work on the
delivery a LOT more. Spamfics can be a bit longer, and you definatly
need more development here. This logic is also unworthy of
Nabiki. Just because A shares many characteristics with members of B,
it does not follow that A is a member of B. This is the kind of
fallacy that causes racially motivated attacks, in the wake of the
recent tragedy. Unless this was trying to be a very subtle
reaction-fic, you've got a lot more work to do.