Hiya...

Well, I missed a number of chapters of this (I'll have to try and catch up), but I'll try and give some C&C regardless.

[Later addition: sorry this is so late!  I've started and stopped and started again a number of times.  Free time seems to have suddenly become a bit scarce.  Heck, i've even had to put all my own writing on pause for the next month of two....]

It's been a long time. Due to persistent demand for this,
I've managed to push this chapter out several months
overdue (well, a year and a bit). Be warned it really is

A year and a bit-sounds just about right. <grin>

Thanks for not giving up faith in me, Vince.

He's great that way--and about as good of a prereader as one could hope for. I keep waiting for that next chapter of AMAW, though.... ;)

The only thing that concerned him was a single thought:
Umibouzu had never told him the consequences of his sealing
his mother into the darkness. <Mom, I didn't know...
dammit, what else could I have done? She was gonna kill
you. I didn't have a choice.>

I'm not familiar with the events, but the phrasing is a bit awkward.  Who does the first 'his' refer too-Umibouzu?  And the second?  Who's mother was sealed?

Then he scrambled back hurriedly as the Great Devourer
spat out the remnants of a blue whale carcass onto the

Extinction: 1, Blue Whales: 0.

the price for releasing my mother! Damn you, why didn't you
tell me that?!"

I could be wrong, but I'm fairly sure it's grammatically sound to say that double punctuation is a no-no.

against monster. Umibouzu rumbled, steam issuing from
gaping maw, whether in anger or annoyance, Ranma did not

I don't think that comma before Ranma is necessary.

"It's only November; why's it snowing?" Ryoga asked, as he
stepped off the Great Devourer's back onto the abandoned

Actually, I'm pretty sure that any time of the year, snow would be unusually in Tokyo--at least, a peristent snow that actually stays on the ground.

Gymnastics Tournament back in junior school. We made to
Italy together."

We made 'it' to Italy....

glances at both the pairs on the pier. There was an air of

Both pairs would suggest four people; both people on the pier?  Or is she upset with Kodachi and Ryouga as well?

Snow continued to fall on their way to the Kuno estate.
Delicate flakes of white descended in supreme majesty to
coat the ground in mounds of wonder; eventually to melt and
become the bane of Ranma's existence.

A nice descriptive passage, though I'd change the word 'mound'... the rest has a delicate, pleasant sound to it; mound makes me think of excrement, and sounds heavy.  Drifts?  I dunno... something with a fluffy sound?

Ranma shook his head. Pop didn't have all that much, even
in the sneaky tactics department, but hope sprang
eternal... to constantly and bitterly dashed. "Well,

eternal... to 'be' (?) constantly and bitterly dashed.

"Really, Ranma-sama," Kodachi slid in smoothly, "do you
all really plan anything? I thought the usual option was
simply a full-frontal assault."

do you all really plan... sounds a bit odd.  do you 'ever' really plan... (?)

Tokyo Tower: a massive lattice of steel girders stretching
to the heavens, standing three hundred and thirty-three
meters tall. Painted a crimson red, it typically stood like
a bloodied sword in the heart of Japan's capital city. In

Umm, I understand the need for strong imagery, but the last thing anyone would compare Tokyo Tower to is a bloodied sword, I'd think.  A bloody eye-sore, maybe...  Also, using 'typically' is a bit odd--that would suggest that occasionally it gets moved around.

Ranma bashed his head against a nearby concrete pillar in
frustration. "Great. Just great. Three things I absolutely
hate: cold water, cats, and tomboys - and they're all gonna
be-- Wait!" He stopped, then brightened. "No tomboys."

Heh.  Cowboy Bebop reference?

<Ryoga vs. Raiha scene.>

Lacking in poignancy but very succinct!  <grin>  Seriously, though, it'll be nice to see this scene when you finish it.

--and the pig-tailed girl looked back up, dazed, with pain-
filled eyes. Kodachi tightened her grip involuntarily which
was fortunate as her first instinct was to let go. Then the

Maybe a comma after 'involuntarily'....

Blue eyes, so like his, stared into his own. Shukumaru's
eyes held... victory? Ranma frowned as the slightest smile
etched lips painted a pale white.

That reads a bit odd.  I'm not sure if a smile call 'etch' lips.  Also the alliteration of 'lips painted a pale' is a bit funky.

Well, dunno if any of this helps.  Enjoyed the chapter, though!  Looking forward to seeing more.

Later,
Mike Noakes

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