Brian Randall wrote:
Allyn Yonge wrote:
The characters of Sailormoon are the
creation and possession of the brilliant Takeuchi
Naoko. They belong to Takeuchi Naoko, Bandai, Toei
Animation, DIC, and all others associated with rights.
Is 'Sailormoon' one word? :p
No copyright infringement is intended.
******************************************************
[ . . . ]
Women . . .young girls, their faces and legs bared in a
way that was an affront to God, had materialized in a flash of
light that stunned his followers.
Wouldn't that be an affront to Allah?
[ . . . ]
"What do you want?" They always wanted something,
chattering and bartering like tradesmen, intent only on worldly
goods and seducing his people from God's path.
Something about this doesn't seem quite right. Mind reading, fire
throwing, devil girls who were obviously enemies of Allah probably
only want one thing; and worldly good aren't it!
[ . . . ]
"What do we want?" She tilted her head, like a curious
bird examining a bug. "Well . . .some of us wanted to flay you
alive, roll you in pork-fat and feed you to wild pigs."
And worse, likely...
Sorry, sorry... digression.
I have ideas....
... more digression
[ . . . ]
Thunder rolled across the mountain peaks and a bolt of
lighting slashed from the clear sky to smash a mountain peak
into rubble. A golden beam flashed and the tons broken rock
vaporized.
This doesn't show well on my e-mailer, but I think you have an extra
space between 'beam' and 'flashed'. Is a 'were' missing from the final
sentence?
I think there's an "of" that needs to be there too.
[ . . . ]
*One who does not show mercy to people will be
excluded from the mercy of Allah.* She riposted softly, and he
realized with a start that she was quoting the Prophet in
his native tongue.
Is knowing his language neccessary for this fic to work?
IMHO I like the language thing. It adds subtle flavor.
I would also like to say you have excellently expressed, through
quoting the Koran, a point I have tried with little success to make
to my neighbors. "Islamic" and "Arab" are NOT, I repeat NOT,
synonymous with "terrorist."
[ . . . ]
*Kill me then,* he answered, switching from English,
*but another will take my place, and another. Until your
empire of the devil is destroyed.*
Not bloodly likely...
I only pray that sentiment is true, although I'm afraid I must
agree with the unnamed French road kill. (blood L y ?)
*Crystal, actually,* she corrected,
That line made me smile...
[ . . . ]
*_She_ wouldn't like it.* The girl in blue eyed him
cooly. *Besides, half the world wants your head on a pike. We
just found you first.*
Only half? When even the Libyan dictator (whose name I couldn't
spell on the best of days) thinks they went too far...
... still more digression :P
[ . . . ]
The fire subsided slightly, and the girl in red resumed
her place, but continued to watch him, as a wolf watches a
rabbit.
Since this is a... uh... hyperbole? Simile? One of those things that
I can never remeber the name for. At any rate, the comma before the as
suggests that it's an actual event, not a comparison. So I would suggest
removing the comma. :p
Merely a suggestion, mind you, as is everthing I say. And you can
feel completely free to disregard me.
The same goes for me as well. And Mr. Randall, I hope you aren't
offended by my critiquing your critique.
[ . . . ]
He had a sudden vision of a garden of earthly delights,
such as were promised to the Faithful. Only this garden was
open to heathen and unbelievers and he could see the weak
and doubtful falling away from God----
I'm afraid I don't get that line about the weak and doubtful.
But it's probably just me being dense today. (Allah?)
[ . . . ]
"You killed her, and you didn't even know who she
was." The girl in blue was somehow beyond the flames again.
"She just wanted to take a picture from the tallest building, to
show----" her voice broke for a moment, and he felt a stab of
pleasure that he'd managed to hurt her.
Stab of pleasure? Last I heard, stabbing wasn't a pleasurable
sensation. And speaking of stabbing, can I do that to him? ...
This is the part I find questionable, Mr. Yonge.
In the light of the tradgedy, do you really have to kill one of the
Senshi? This work is _very_ powerfull and compelling without that, and
adding it feels like a cheap-gimmik to gain symphathy where no such
trick is neccessary.
The fact that the Senshi seem mostly upset about that one person
(Usagi? Hotaru? It's not clear to me yet) than the other thousands that
lie dead cheapens this, for me.
If it _is_ neccessary to have her dead, then must they all focus
soley on her?
I would hope that the defenders of love and such that the Senshi are
would take equal offense to _all_ lives lost, not just the one. Any one. :/
I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh or abrasive -- I really _do_
find this fic compelling -- very much so. It's just that there's no need
to focus so much on soley their anger over that _one_ loss, when there's
something everyone who reads this can sympathize with much more
easily... And that's the many others. Your readers won't find as much
sympathy for a dead character, when there are real-world hurts out there
that are worse.
I'm sorry. I'll leave well enough alone on that issue.
Mr. Randall, I'm sorry but I feel I must disagree with some
of your sentiment.
P2 -- I agree this is an amazing story; and I must say the best
of the greif-fics I've yet seen. However, killing one of them
brings home the sense of tragedy. To be blunt, while Tuesday
was a very bad thing, why would a group of Japanese high school
girls hold within them enough rage to force Setsuna (I think that
the best explanation as to how they knew he was going to Sudan)
to violate her oft debated temporal laws and tell them where
and who this guy is.
P3 -- I know that if I had lost someone I loved that closely in
the attack, I would be less angry as an American and infinitely
more angry and vengeful as a grieving family member. Strangely,
I too at first thought it was Hotaru...
P4 -- Understandable if they did, and Ami's chosen quotes tell
me they aren't.
"*Do not kill an old man, a woman nor a child.* She quoted softly."
P6 -- If you'll permit me to use your own words, *I'm sorry if this
comes across as harsh or abrasive -- I really _do_ find this fic
compelling -- very much so.* And I find your review to be an excellent
piece of C&C. You managed to catch some points I never noticed.
[ . . . ]
*I'm glad she's dead!* He didn't know who 'she' was,
but it didn't matter. He snatched a rifle from the ground and
raised it to his shoulder. *It was God's will that they die.* He
triggered a burst, and the stream of lead flashed into
nothingness against a sphere of coloured light. *I am a warrior
for God!*
Not bloody likely... (Allah?)
*The best type of Jihad is a truthful word before an
unjust ruler.* She quoted, and her voice seemed to come
across a great distance as they faded from view. "I would be
interested in hearing you explain yourself to God."
As would I! (Allah?)
He beat his fist against his thigh in frustration as they
vanished, untouched by his rifle-fire, then turned to kick his
followers from their stupor. They had just started to move
when the first Tomahawk missiles popped over the mountain
tops and rained down on the camp. American, German and
Russian fighters were close on their heels, escorting four
squadrons of attack helicopters.
The waiting plane carried only a single battered and
bleeding passenger to the Sudan.
Uh... he made it out alive through all of that?
To quote Iago of Disney's Aladdin, "It's amazing what one
can live through!"
There would be four more years of running and hiding
before a retired high-school French teacher, on her first trip
abroad, would give him an opportunity to explain himself to
God; when she ran a red-light just as he was crossing a Paris
street on his way to a safe-house.
I like that honor-less death. Nice touch.
[ . . . ]
Now... this is all happening before they collapsed? There's no more
fire that I'm aware of in the rubble, is there? And if there is, does
jet-fuel burn that long?
I don't know the details, and it's not something I really want to
think about too much anyway, but... is that all accurate?
The jet fuel burned quite a while It is the main reason that even
18 hours after the fall, the rescue workers couldn't get near the heart
of the rubble. Although as a side note, on the floors where the planes
hit; It is believed that the fires spread fast and hot enough that everything
that wasn't steel was basically vaporized.
* In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
. . .show them kindness and deal with them justly;
surely Allah loves the doers of justice . . .*
I just had to leave that one in. And of course the one that I most
wish would be reread by those who plan more Jihad...
*The best type of Jihad is a truthful word before an unjust ruler.*
Extra newlines?
First paragraph: extra newlines?
I found that quite touching, and all-in-all... a very good read.
But...
With a little polish, you could push the line from good quality to
perfection.
******************************************************
A man once asked a Zen master:
"Where will you go when you die?"
"I will go to hell."
"But master, you are a man of great goodness and
wisdom. Why would you go to hell?"
"If I don't go to hell to teach you, who will?"
Now I've had some harsh criticism from some of my
teachers before, but OUCH!
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://members.tripod.com/lwf58/fan_fiction/durandall/index.html
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
Cute!
--
"Sometimes we must do things, not because they are the right things
to do, or the easiest things to do, or the ones that will bring us
rewards. Sometimes, we must do things because they must be done."
-- "Waters Under Earth" by Alan Harnum
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