Finally had time to get to this one....

"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

Mopping the sweat from her brow with an embroidered silk handkerchief,
Kodachi Kunou gave a satisfied smirk at her handiwork. The modifications
were finally completed. It had taken a great deal of sweat and toil for the
better part of the last two days, but the results were what she desired. The
Iron Rose Mark II armor could now fit into the attach� case she had
especially designed for it. True, the case was a bit large, three times the
size of a normal attach� case, but it was necessary. The armor was just too

You may want to use a regular "e" instead of the accented version.
People on Macs or other non-Winders platforms are going to see some sort
of weird character there.

preparing to make her family's company their own. Kodachi had not yet
uncovered who the mystery person (or persons) behind the plot was, but she
had hired a small army of investigators to discover the identity of schemer
or company. It was only a matter of time before the truth was uncovered, and
she would have a name for the problems plaguing her.

Now, if she were Azusa, this wouldn't be a problem.

AZUSA: I'll call him... Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude!

It was also clear that whoever was moving in for the takeover was probably
behind the disappearances of both her father and brother. Neither would have
parted with the company willingly any more than Kodachi would have. With any
of them at the helm, and with their controlling stock, a takeover would be

With either of them     ("any" doesn't really work for only two, IMO)

nearly impossible. Without them, it would go smoothly and save the person
trying to buy the company billions of yen. That was more than enough motive

It isn't quite clear to me why she thinks this. I've no doubt that the
Tatch in this story is more capable and his father less flaky than the
canon versions. But is this Kodachi not egotistical enough that she
wouldn't see herself as better than them?

Kodachi had little doubt that it was only a matter of time before this
mystery person attacked her again through another surrogate. It would be up
to her to uncover the identity of her assailant, or more accurately, it
would be up to the Iron Rose. That meant keeping the armor close at hand.
The only way to do that was to conceal it. Enter her new attach� case. She

KODACHI: I can't, you silly man. I'm much too large to fit inside such a
small space.

TOFU: I can help!

was going to show it off to the world. Once people became used to her always
walking around with it like it was surgically attached to her, no one would
be suspicious that she and the Iron Rose were the same. It was a magnificent
plan.

Up to the point where someone notices that she never actually *uses*
anything from the case....

KODACHI: It's carry-on luggage, of course. Airline tradition dictates
that one should bring the largest bag allowed and never open it during
the flight, just so people have to wait behind you when you're getting
on or off.

Daredevil craned his neck back to speak to the new impending menace that was
threatening the city. From the waist upwards, this strange newcomer was an
imposing sight. Midnight blue armor covered his body like a medieval knight
hell-bent on some glorious crusade. The faceplate was not meant to be
intimidating, with its flat surface and plain features, but that unadorned
look was unsettling in some way to those who could see it, perhaps because
it lacked character of any kind. The musculature of the armor wasn't
exaggerated, but still appeared imposing due to its size and obvious
thickness. All things considered, it was an impressive appearance that
belayed a mysterious power and implied this man might be someone to be
reckoned with.

Just a gol-durn minute here. Isn't Daredevil blind?!? How can he be
seeing all of this? Unless this Mousse is only as blind as the one from
the manga (in which case you're taking away a good deal of what makes
the Daredevil character interesting), you should be describing this
scene in terms of sounds, smells, and radar-sensed shapes, not things
like colors that he can't perceive.

"Right, I built these legs so that I would be a powerful super-villain and
can steal lots of money. Now I'm not just a second story man, but the third,
fourth, and fifth floors as well."

Heh. Appropriate choice of phrase. :)

At the moment, they were alone, the room having been emptied for their
upcoming meeting with the Imperial Hydra, the mysterious leader of the
mysterious organization. Hiroshi had heard from others that no one had even
seen the Imperial Hydra face-to-face for years, but he still held the group
in an iron grip. He supposed it was one of the advantages of being the boss
of your own terrorist organization, you could tele-commute whenever you felt

organization; you

or

organization -- you

"Yes. Isn't it always about them? Anyway, we did meet again. It was like
Fate, or maybe even Destiny. It turned out she not only attended the same

"Fate" and "destiny" shouldn't be capitalized unless he's referring to
specific deities which personify the concepts, or something like that.

"If only it could have been something so simple! It was something much, much
worse than that!" Kyosuke wailed. "As I was about to go down there, Madoka
showed up. It was obvious Hikaru knew her, as she called out 'Madoka-sama'
and hid behind her for protection. Madoka stared those guys off for a while
and told them to leave before they got themselves into trouble. She was so
heroic, defending her friend like that and risking bodily harm for her. I
fell in love with her all over again. The guys didn't back off. They
attacked, but Madoka beat the hell out of them way better than I ever could.
I'd say she's at least as tough as a hand-to-hand Hydra combat specialist."

At this point (and being somewhat familiar with KOR but not whatever
anime the other guy is from) I'm wondering why you need all of this
backstory. If these guys are just comic relief (as they seem to be),
then you could probably dispense with it except inasmuch as you can get
laughs out of it. If they figure into the plot in some significant way,
then knowing their motivations might help, though I think it's still
excessive -- especially given that you haven't shown any indication of
how these guys are going to interact with our heroes.

"Oh, shut up. I don't have time for that silly rant." The Imperial Hydra

rant," the

Mentallo could barely contain his eagerness. "At last, I can begin the
eradication of lesbianism from this entire planet, and it all starts in
Nerima."

Okay, Kyo's hatred of lesbians obviously *is* important... but I still
wonder if the explanation of the reasons behind it couldn't be
postponed, or at least shortened. Sometimes it's better to leave the
reader wondering for a while.

However his attitude was a different matter. There were definite signs of

However, his

'powder her nose' after dropping the hints, hoping nature would take its
course and Ranma would express some interest in Akane while she was gone.
But that had not happened, and both were just as she had left them when she
returned. There had to be something she could do to convince Ranma, some way
of demonstrating to him that Akane or Nabiki were suitable marriage
material.

that Akane or Nabiki was

(It's one or the other, not both, so it's singular.)

And that was it. It was done, the project completed at last. The finished
product was not much to look at, a couple of computers lined two walls of

Run-on sentence.

It had taken two months and every spare moment he had, and this was what he
had to show for it: the reassembled genius of Henry Pym, his dear departed
American friend, and genius it was. The machine, at least in theory, could
irradiate a person with a form of energy, (which Henry had called 'Pym
Particles') which allowed them to access another dimension. The theory held
that, once irradiated, the person could then use the dimension to affect
their very body mass by shunting it to the dimension so they could shrink in
size, or to gain mass so they could become a true giant. It all depended on
what setting the machine was on when the beam struck them. According to the

Bleah. Comic book physics. :/

There was one problem with the device: namely it was untested. Henry had

namely, it
(or just drop the "namely," which seems unnecessary)

only just finished the prototype when an accident killed him. Luckily, he
had the foresight to create a will, leaving all of the equipment to Tofu,
whom he trusted enough to share this important knowledge with. Tofu himself
was no scientist, and probably should have turned the materials and
equipment to those more knowledgeable in science that could more properly
utilize both the machines and theories behind them. He should have, but he
didn't.

And of course, Pym's theories were never published in journals, had
never been discussed with and reviewed by colleagues, and had only been
experimented on in secret. (Yes, I know it's a comic book genre
convention, and you have every right to use it. But it's so dumb that I
can't resist making fun of it a bit. ^_^)

Being the only one bearing the knowledge gave Tofu a heady feeling, and
Henry was the one who had sent him the device. Perhaps he knew something
that Tofu didn't, and that it was best that he tested the apparatus and made
certain it worked before unveiling it to the world. Of course, that would

TOFU: Now, let's see. Henry tried to test this and killed himself. He,
of
course, didn't record what he'd tried that killed him, so if I test it
I'll probably end up doing whatever he did. So obviously my next step
should be to test it myself! I'm so brilliant!

mean purchasing some lab rats and maybe cats and dogs from one of the local
kennels to measure the effects of the rays on living creatures. Months would
have to be spent studying the possible side effects that could result in
death, or something worse, just in case Henry's theories were completely
wrong. Maybe if he was lucky, Tofu could publish a paper on Pym Particles so
people would know what role Henry (and to a lesser degree, himself) had in
the discovery of this amazing scientific achievement that could
revolutionize the world.

If Tofu isn't extensively trained in Pym's field (and if he is, why
isn't he a university professor or something?) then there's no way he'd
be able to write a paper about Pym's work, any more than you or I could
write a paper on shiatsu. ("Well, he pokes his finger into your body at
a certain spot, and, um, stuff happens.") Maybe he could write up
experimental observations, but as far as trying to give an explanation
of the theory behind how it works that wouldn't be rejected with extreme
prejudice by the paper's referee, f'geddaboutit.

She began wrapping the piece around her torso, but as she tried to bring it
around her back, she encountered in unexpected obstruction. The material

encountered an unexpected

pushed against something protruding from her back where nothing should be.
Moreover, Kasumi felt whatever the material brushed against as though it was
no different from the skin on her back. Slowly, painfully slowly, the young
woman turned her head to look over her shoulder, nearly paralyzed with fear
of the unknown.

You're telling us that she's afraid, but she really doesn't *sound*
afraid. Throughout this scene she's handled things in a pretty blase
matter-of-fact manner, I'd say. You really need to show more of what's
going through her head if this is to be convincing.

Extending from her back were not one, but two wings. They were clear and
insect-like, and had most definitely not been there before she had been
rendered small.

TOFU: This, of course, has a perfectly rational scientific explanation.
The transfer of mass to the Pym dimension causes a chemical change which
stimulates the production of heretofore undiscovered gland secretions.
As these chemical messengers reach the gall bladder.... None of you out
there are buying this, are you.

KASUMI: I'm afraid not. But you did say it with very good diction!

No fear remained, despite the fact any rational person would have been
terrified at the idea that they had been shrunk, a pair of wings had

that she had

mysteriously grown out of their back, and they were flying under their own

that she was flying

(You're speaking of only one person, so use the singular.)

Thoughts of seeking Tofu were forgotten as Kasumi exited the building by
flying out an open back window and into the wide open world beyond. Air
blasted past her face, and she took a moment to adjust to the changes that a
greater flight speed outdoors could give. Still, she was not afraid.
Everything looked smaller, but then it was supposed to when one was flying.
Being able to look down at the world below, living a life without the
boundaries that pressed in on her at every side, was a sort of freedom she
would bask in and never give up. She swore that as she did a cartwheel in
mid-air, never

Missing punctuation here. (If the intent is that her thought abruptly
ends, then I'd suggest never-- or never.... so it doesn't look like a
typo.)

Kasumi had made it no more than several meters in her flight to freedom when
a sudden pressure, like a hundred tiny needles, slipped past her skill and
pierced her brain. It was like a headache brought on by eating ice cream too
fast, only several times worse. Still poised in mid-air, she fluttered in
pain, then started to head to the ground as she lost control. However, just
as quickly as the sensation came, it vanished, taking the majority of the
pain with it. Kasumi quickly righted herself and flew a far more
conservative course close to the ground. All that remained of the mysterious
wave of pain was a sort of scratchy feeling inside her head, similar to the
leftover remnants of a hangover several hours old, just a tiny bit of
queasiness that was surely drifting away.

SOUN: Er, Kasumi... I don't mean to pry, but just how do you know what a
hangover feels like?

KASUMI: I've tried some of your celebrational sake, Father. It's very
medicinal!

Taking her flight path away from the houses, Kasumi flew over the street,
high enough overhead so that casual passerby's in the street could not

passers-by

A little thick with exposition in places, but definitely an enjoyable
chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how Kasumi reacts when she meets
Kyosuke and friend.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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