% Gary wrote:


Finally had time to get to this one....

% And it's much appreciated that you took the time out to do it. Used most
of the grammar comments, as always.

"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

Mopping the sweat from her brow with an embroidered silk handkerchief,
Kodachi Kunou gave a satisfied smirk at her handiwork. The modifications
were finally completed. It had taken a great deal of sweat and toil for the
better part of the last two days, but the results were what she desired.

The

Iron Rose Mark II armor could now fit into the attach� case she had
especially designed for it. True, the case was a bit large, three times the
size of a normal attach� case, but it was necessary. The armor was just too

You may want to use a regular "e" instead of the accented version.
People on Macs or other non-Winders platforms are going to see some sort
of weird character there.

% Actually Word Spellcheck added it for me, remarkably enough. I do sort of
prefer it with the mark since it is technically proper, but if anyone
complains, I'll change it.

preparing to make her family's company their own. Kodachi had not yet
uncovered who the mystery person (or persons) behind the plot was, but she
had hired a small army of investigators to discover the identity of schemer
or company. It was only a matter of time before the truth was uncovered,

and

she would have a name for the problems plaguing her.

Now, if she were Azusa, this wouldn't be a problem.

AZUSA: I'll call him... Jean-Claude! Jean-Claude!

% Heh. Although you invariably attache the 'Van Damme' to that, and suddenly
your problem seems more stupid than dangerous. :)

It was also clear that whoever was moving in for the takeover was probably
behind the disappearances of both her father and brother. Neither would

have

parted with the company willingly any more than Kodachi would have. With

any

of them at the helm, and with their controlling stock, a takeover would be

With either of them     ("any" doesn't really work for only two, IMO)

% Hmm. She's supposed to be including herself at that point. Think I need to
reword it to make it clearer?

nearly impossible. Without them, it would go smoothly and save the person
trying to buy the company billions of yen. That was more than enough motive

It isn't quite clear to me why she thinks this. I've no doubt that the
Tatch in this story is more capable and his father less flaky than the
canon versions. But is this Kodachi not egotistical enough that she
wouldn't see herself as better than them?

% Again she's including herself at this point as a potential stumbling block
to the unknown bad guys. The truth is she does think she's better than at
least Tatewaki, but she's not enthuseastic about running the company. At
least, not yet.

Kodachi had little doubt that it was only a matter of time before this
mystery person attacked her again through another surrogate. It would be up
to her to uncover the identity of her assailant, or more accurately, it
would be up to the Iron Rose. That meant keeping the armor close at hand.
The only way to do that was to conceal it. Enter her new attach� case. She

KODACHI: I can't, you silly man. I'm much too large to fit inside such a
small space.

TOFU: I can help!

% Hehehehehe. Oh, that was a good one.

was going to show it off to the world. Once people became used to her

always

walking around with it like it was surgically attached to her, no one would
be suspicious that she and the Iron Rose were the same. It was a

magnificent

plan.

Up to the point where someone notices that she never actually *uses*
anything from the case....

% Since no one is around her all the time, most people will just assume she
opens it when they aren't around.

KODACHI: It's carry-on luggage, of course. Airline tradition dictates
that one should bring the largest bag allowed and never open it during
the flight, just so people have to wait behind you when you're getting
on or off.

% Heh

exaggerated, but still appeared imposing due to its size and obvious
thickness. All things considered, it was an impressive appearance that
belayed a mysterious power and implied this man might be someone to be
reckoned with.

Just a gol-durn minute here. Isn't Daredevil blind?!? How can he be
seeing all of this? Unless this Mousse is only as blind as the one from
the manga

% No no. He's one hundred percent blind.

 (in which case you're taking away a good deal of what makes
the Daredevil character interesting), you should be describing this
scene in terms of sounds, smells, and radar-sensed shapes, not things
like colors that he can't perceive.

% True. The problem when describing things to the reader, but using a blind
man to do it. Have to think of a way to rework it so Stilty's description
doesn't sound like it's from Mousse's POV.

"Right, I built these legs so that I would be a powerful super-villain and
can steal lots of money. Now I'm not just a second story man, but the

third,

fourth, and fifth floors as well."

Heh. Appropriate choice of phrase. :)

% Thanks.

in an iron grip. He supposed it was one of the advantages of being the boss
of your own terrorist organization, you could tele-commute whenever you

felt

organization; you

or

organization -- you

% I'll go with the first; I like semi-colons. ^_^

"Yes. Isn't it always about them? Anyway, we did meet again. It was like
Fate, or maybe even Destiny. It turned out she not only attended the same

"Fate" and "destiny" shouldn't be capitalized unless he's referring to
specific deities which personify the concepts, or something like that.

% That's what he was doing.

heroic, defending her friend like that and risking bodily harm for her. I
fell in love with her all over again. The guys didn't back off. They
attacked, but Madoka beat the hell out of them way better than I ever

could.

I'd say she's at least as tough as a hand-to-hand Hydra combat specialist."

At this point (and being somewhat familiar with KOR but not whatever
anime the other guy is from)

% My Dear Marie. The three OVAs they did were quite good. I'd recommend
giving it a try.

 I'm wondering why you need all of this
backstory. If these guys are just comic relief (as they seem to be),
then you could probably dispense with it except inasmuch as you can get
laughs out of it. If they figure into the plot in some significant way,
then knowing their motivations might help, though I think it's still
excessive -- especially given that you haven't shown any indication of
how these guys are going to interact with our heroes.

% The back story for them is needed. Aside from inherent comic intent with
these twisted origins of the characters they are based on, Hydra is going to
figure into things in the future.

Mentallo could barely contain his eagerness. "At last, I can begin the
eradication of lesbianism from this entire planet, and it all starts in
Nerima."

Okay, Kyo's hatred of lesbians obviously *is* important...
but I stillwonder if the explanation of the reasons behind it couldn't be
postponed, or at least shortened. Sometimes it's better to leave the
reader wondering for a while.

% In this case I think it works better to get at least a little bit in their
minds and motivations since they make up the opposition in this half of the
chapter. And the odds are they'll be popping up later (much later) again.
Besides, I generally don't like using anatgonists that are too flat.

that, once irradiated, the person could then use the dimension to affect
their very body mass by shunting it to the dimension so they could shrink

in

size, or to gain mass so they could become a true giant. It all depended on
what setting the machine was on when the beam struck them. According to the

Bleah. Comic book physics. :/

% Well, if they could figure out how the physics behind such things worked,
someone would probably be able to figure out how to do things like
developing shrink gas and giving people wings capable of flight. Besides,
just perpetually saying people egt their super power 'through magic' wears
thin after a while. :)

only just finished the prototype when an accident killed him. Luckily, he
had the foresight to create a will, leaving all of the equipment to Tofu,
whom he trusted enough to share this important knowledge with. Tofu himself
was no scientist, and probably should have turned the materials and
equipment to those more knowledgeable in science that could more properly
utilize both the machines and theories behind them. He should have, but he
didn't.

And of course, Pym's theories were never published in journals, had
never been discussed with and reviewed by colleagues, and had only been
experimented on in secret. (Yes, I know it's a comic book genre
convention, and you have every right to use it. But it's so dumb that I
can't resist making fun of it a bit. ^_^)

% True. As much as I enjoy Silver age books, a lot of the stuff in them was
hokey. However it is Marvel canon that Henry kept it all to himself, sharing
with only a handful of people over the years. They even had him breifly
become a genius with robotics (instead of bio-chemistry) and he built
Ultron.

Being the only one bearing the knowledge gave Tofu a heady feeling, and
Henry was the one who had sent him the device. Perhaps he knew something
that Tofu didn't, and that it was best that he tested the apparatus and

made

certain it worked before unveiling it to the world. Of course, that would

TOFU: Now, let's see. Henry tried to test this and killed himself.

% Oops. No, Pym died in an accident completely unrelated to the growing and
shrinking process. I think I mentioned it way back in chapter 1 or 2, which
is why no one remembers it. It was probably from 2-3 years ago.

 He,
of
course, didn't record what he'd tried that killed him, so if I test it
I'll probably end up doing whatever he did. So obviously my next step
should be to test it myself! I'm so brilliant!

% Nah. Even Tofu wouldn't play with it if it Pym had died during an
experiment with it. I left it vague, but it was supposed to be from a car
accident.

wrong. Maybe if he was lucky, Tofu could publish a paper on Pym Particles

so

people would know what role Henry (and to a lesser degree, himself) had in
the discovery of this amazing scientific achievement that could
revolutionize the world.

If Tofu isn't extensively trained in Pym's field (and if he is, why
isn't he a university professor or something?) then there's no way he'd
be able to write a paper about Pym's work, any more than you or I could
write a paper on shiatsu. ("Well, he pokes his finger into your body at
a certain spot, and, um, stuff happens.") Maybe he could write up
experimental observations, but as far as trying to give an explanation
of the theory behind how it works that wouldn't be rejected with extreme
prejudice by the paper's referee, f'geddaboutit.

% Delusions of grandure on his part, then. Though it's going to be moot
since he'll never write the paper.

She began wrapping the piece around her torso, but as she tried to bring it
around her back, she encountered in unexpected obstruction. The material

encountered an unexpected

% Argh! I can't believe I made that mistake.

pushed against something protruding from her back where nothing should be.
Moreover, Kasumi felt whatever the material brushed against as though it

was

no different from the skin on her back. Slowly, painfully slowly, the young
woman turned her head to look over her shoulder, nearly paralyzed with fear
of the unknown.

You're telling us that she's afraid, but she really doesn't *sound*
afraid.

% The fright doesn't last. It's very momentary, which is why I didn't dwell
on it. Once she starts flying, which has always facinated her, she gets very
happy, very quickly.

Throughout this scene she's handled things in a pretty blase
matter-of-fact manner, I'd say. You really need to show more of what's
going through her head if this is to be convincing.

Extending from her back were not one, but two wings. They were clear and
insect-like, and had most definitely not been there before she had been
rendered small.

TOFU: This, of course, has a perfectly rational scientific explanation.
The transfer of mass to the Pym dimension causes a chemical change which
stimulates the production of heretofore undiscovered gland secretions.
As these chemical messengers reach the gall bladder.... None of you out
there are buying this, are you.

KASUMI: I'm afraid not. But you did say it with very good diction!

% It'll be mentioned in the next part, but there was a very obscure chance
in the theory (somewhere around .05 percent) that a mutation might occur to
the recipent of the particles. Yes, it's a cop out I came up with. But since
Pym intentionally gave Jan her wings, that obviously isn't going to work in
this universe.

conservative course close to the ground. All that remained of the

mysterious

wave of pain was a sort of scratchy feeling inside her head, similar to the
leftover remnants of a hangover several hours old, just a tiny bit of
queasiness that was surely drifting away.

SOUN: Er, Kasumi... I don't mean to pry, but just how do you know what a
hangover feels like?

KASUMI: I've tried some of your celebrational sake, Father. It's very
medicinal!

% Heh. I establish in the second part one of her friends from high school
talked her into doing 'naughty' things (but not TOO naughty) once in a
while. Getting drunk once was one of them.

Taking her flight path away from the houses, Kasumi flew over the street,
high enough overhead so that casual passerby's in the street could not

passers-by

A little thick with exposition in places,

% True. I'm establishing an origin here, so it's going to be heavy that way.
Second part has an expositiony bit at the end, but that should be it.

 but definitely an enjoyable
chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how Kasumi reacts when she meets
Kyosuke and friend.

% And ye shall see in the very beginning of part two as you can guess who
she runs into once she turns the corner of the building at the end here.

% Thanks a lot for the C+C. As usual, it's all very helpful and greatly
appreciated.

D.B. Sommer





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