Allyn Yonge wrote:

     The  characters  of  Sailormoon  are   the
creation  and  possession  of  the  brilliant   Takeuchi
Naoko.  They  belong  to Takeuchi Naoko,   Bandai,  Toei
Animation,  DIC, and all others associated with  rights.

  Is 'Sailormoon' one word? :p

No copyright infringement is intended.

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     Who will read the sutras?

  Should the words in the title be capitalized?

     Another day and they would have crossed the border
into Tajikistan. From there, a plane would  carry them to the
Sudan.  They had just started the evening meal----the smell of
mutton and green tea still filled the air---- when they appeared.

  Just one quick question on this... Why four hyphens?

     Women . . .young girls, their faces and legs bared in a
way that was an affront to God, had materialized in a flash of
light that stunned his followers. In the next instant, fire had
burst from the naked rock and surrounded them in a ring of
flame. His fierce hawk-like eyes glared at his captors through
the shimmering air and he bared his teeth in a grimace of hate
that was visible even through his thick beard.


     "I'm sorry we interrupted your dinner," the one
dressed in blue said in cool tones, as if addressing a chance
acquaintance on the street. "but it took a while to find you and
I was afraid we might lose you, once you got to Sudan."

  Extra newline between those two?

  First paragraph: Fire/flame repetition. Perhaps 'blaze' or 'inferno'? Or, likely, you can come up with something better.

  Can he see his own grimace through his beard? :p Minor PoV quibble, sorry.

  Second paragraph:

  the street. "but it -- the street, "but it (comma)

     He started at that. No one, not even the pilot that was
meeting them, knew their ultimate destination. It might just be
a lucky guess, but----

  Me, I would have been startled by a group of cheerleaders lobbing fire about. That they could read my mind would be an unpleasant addition to that.

  And, you _might_ mean, 'No one but he himself,' since he evidently does know.

     "What do you want?" They always wanted something,
chattering and bartering like tradesmen, intent only on worldly
goods and seducing his people from God's path.


     She smiled slightly, but there was no warmth in the
expression.

  Extra newline?

     "What do we want?" She tilted her head, like a curious
bird examining a bug. "Well . . .some of us wanted to flay you
alive, roll you in pork-fat and feed you to wild pigs."

  And worse, likely...

  Sorry, sorry... digression.

     Thunder rolled across the mountain peaks and a bolt of
lighting slashed from the clear sky to smash a mountain peak
into rubble. A golden beam  flashed and the tons broken rock
vaporized.

  This doesn't show well on my e-mailer, but I think you have an extra space between 'beam' and 'flashed'. Is a 'were' missing from the final sentence?

     *One who does not show mercy to people will be
excluded from the mercy of Allah.* She riposted softly, and he
realized with a start that she was quoting the Prophet in
his native tongue.

  Is knowing his language neccessary for this fic to work?

     *Kill me then,* he answered, switching from English,
*but another will take my place, and another. Until your
empire of the devil is destroyed.*

  Not bloodly likely...

     *Crystal, actually,* she corrected, ignoring the look of
confusion that crossed his face. *and we're not going to make
a martyr of you.*

  face. *and -- face, "and

  And why bother with '*' since you've already specified that they're speaking in a non-English tongue?

     A golden-blond girl shifted restlessly at that and a big
brunet clenched her fists angrily,  while a striking girl, dressed
in red, took a step forward and the fire blazed higher.

  blond -- blonde (optional)

  brunet -- brunette (also optional. The ones I suggested, according to www.dictionary.com, however, are more gender specific.)

     *_She_ wouldn't like it.* The girl in blue eyed him
cooly. *Besides, half the world wants your head on a pike. We
just found you first.*

     The fire subsided slightly, and the girl in red resumed
her place, but continued to watch him, as a wolf watches a
rabbit.

  Since this is a... uh... hyperbole? Simile? One of those things that I can never remeber the name for. At any rate, the comma before the as suggests that it's an actual event, not a comparison. So I would suggest removing the comma. :p

  Merely a suggestion, mind you, as is everthing I say. And you can feel completely free to disregard me.

     *To tell you that you've lost.* She said this with such
conviction that he took a step back, and she did smile then. A
genuine smile. *We're going to rebuild, bigger and better than
ever.  We're going to have a palace of lights and music and
laughter. There are going to be churches, mosques and
shopping malls. We're going to build hospitals, universities
and cities in space and----* She stepped through the flames as
if they weren't there, *_everyone_ will be welcome.* Her eyes
met his, mirrors of crystal blue that seemed to reflect all of
eternity, and he was forced to turn away.

  I would suggest changing the lead-in on that last bit of dialogue.

  You end one phrase with an abrubt cut-off, "----", and lead into the next with a comma.

     He had a sudden vision of a garden of earthly delights,
such as were promised to the Faithful. Only this garden was
open to heathen and unbelievers and he could see the weak
and doubtful falling away from God----

  Commage.

     "You killed her, and you didn't even know who she
was." The girl in blue was somehow beyond the flames again.
"She just wanted to take a picture from the tallest building, to
show----" her voice broke for a moment, and he felt a stab of
pleasure that he'd managed to hurt her.

  This is the part I find questionable, Mr. Yonge.

  In the light of the tradgedy, do you really have to kill one of the Senshi? This work is _very_ powerfull and compelling without that, and adding it feels like a cheap-gimmik to gain symphathy where no such trick is neccessary.

  The fact that the Senshi seem mostly upset about that one person (Usagi? Hotaru? It's not clear to me yet) than the other thousands that lie dead cheapens this, for me.

  If it _is_ neccessary to have her dead, then must they all focus soley on her?

  I would hope that the defenders of love and such that the Senshi are would take equal offense to _all_ lives lost, not just the one. Any one. :/

  I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh or abrasive -- I really _do_ find this fic compelling -- very much so. It's just that there's no need to focus so much on soley their anger over that _one_ loss, when there's something everyone who reads this can sympathize with much more easily... And that's the many others. Your readers won't find as much sympathy for a dead character, when there are real-world hurts out there that are worse.

  I'm sorry. I'll leave well enough alone on that issue.

     He beat his fist against his thigh in frustration as they
vanished, untouched by his rifle-fire, then turned to kick his
followers from their stupor. They had just started to move
when the first Tomahawk missiles popped over the mountain
tops and rained down on the camp. American, German and
Russian fighters were close on their heels, escorting four
squadrons of attack helicopters.

     The waiting plane carried only a single battered and
bleeding passenger to the Sudan.

  Uh... he made it out alive through all of that?

     There would be four more years of running and hiding
before a retired high-school French teacher, on her first trip
abroad, would give him an opportunity to explain himself to
God; when she ran a red-light just as he was crossing a Paris
street on his way to a safe-house.

  red-light -- red light

     "He can't hear you," a tall figure, robed in purest
white, appeared beside the girl. "Or _won't_ hear you," he
corrected himself. "He has to open his heart first, and he'd
rather burn."

  Now... this is all happening before they collapsed? There's no more fire that I'm aware of in the rubble, is there? And if there is, does jet-fuel burn that long?

  I don't know the details, and it's not something I really want to think about too much anyway, but... is that all accurate?

     "I can't just leave him," came the frustrated protest.
"any of them."

  protest. "any

  To:

  protest, "any

  Or:

  protest. "Any

     Pulling a book from the pocket of her skirt she sat on a
burning stone and turned to a page she'd marked. She began to
read, and where her gentle voice reached, the flames had no
power.


     * In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.


      . . .show them kindness and deal with them justly;
surely Allah loves the doers of justice . . .*

  Extra newlines?

  First paragraph: extra newlines?

  I found that quite touching, and all-in-all... a very good read.

  But...

  With a little polish, you could push the line from good quality to perfection.

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     A man once asked a Zen master:

     "Where will you go when you die?"

     "I will go to hell."

     "But master, you are a man of great goodness and
wisdom. Why would you go to hell?"

     "If I don't go to hell to teach you, who will?"