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	Although it may seem like a pretty carefree existence having 
immense cosmic power, relative omniscience, and nifty temples with gilt
that shines like fire in the newly risen sun (if you're into that sort 
of thing), everybody's got problems, and gods are no exception. Their 
main difficulty comes, of course, from their limited perspective.

	Unlike humans, who can change their perspective - expanding it 
gradually to include new ideas, 'modern' ways of doing things, and 
the possibility of buying a Chia pet - gods find it near-impossible to 
do so, and not just because they can't decide what shape of Chia to buy.
Their very existence is bound up in a single idea, a perspective that 
shapes everything they do and limits everything they're capable of 
doing. Stretching beyond this is worse than anything any god could 
imagine.

	Order, being what He was, preferred dances that had a bit of
elegance and form to them. Waltzes, tangoes, even the lambada had rules
and (no pun intended) order to them, a thing which He could agree with 
and endorse wholeheartedly.

	That (and the longwinded philosophical droning above) is the 
reason Jenni, Lover of Cuteness, started scanning the horizion for the 
horde of cute pink puppies that She had long ago chosen as a certain 
sign the Universe was going to end, for She had stumbled upon the God 
of Order doing a ninety-yard-run-dodged-three-linemen-kicked-the-other-
team's-quarterback-in-the-groin-on-the-way-and-scored-a-touchdown 
victory dance with all the free-form and spiking a ball (albeit an 
invisible one) that such an act requires.

	Not seeing so much as a single floppy ear, Jenni decided to 
take a direct path in finding out just what was going on. "What's going
on, Order?" She inquired brightly.

	Order didn't stop dancing. In fact, He went into the giving-
homage-to-the-bouncy-cheerleaders portion of the dance. "I did it, I 
did it! UWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

	Jenni tilted Her head. "Did what?"

	"I crashed Her world!" Order stopped dancing and raised one
fist in victory. "Or at least I will in six weeks, for nothing - 
nothing! - She or any of the beings inhabiting Her forsaken plane 
can do to stop My Agent from using the power She let slip onto Her 
world! Mweh. Heh. Heh." He was having so much fun chuckling evilly, He 
didn't notice the adorable frown that furrowed Jenni's brow.

	"But... that would mean that the Sea of Chaos wouldn't have a
world any more... right?"

	"Of course, of course!" Order mimed picking up a phone, dialing
it, and said into the invisible headset, "Uhh... is dis de Microsoff 
Help Line? Me not know what it do when Me type deltree, and Me world is
no work no more. Maybe Me should have gone wiff a UNIXverse..."

	Jenni's face became even more troubled. She turned around and
ran away, but Order didn't notice. She thought as She ran, tears 
trembling cutely in Her eyes, _But that isn't what I wanted!_


Slayers NIBUNNOICHI 
Part the Seventh:
BREAKFAST AT MAISON TENDO...


	Jacob Bangle, undisputed captain of the most modern ship yet
to set sail, was trying to hold a coherent conversation to aid him in
some deep soul-searching. This was made quite difficult by the person 
he had chosen to speak with.

	"Well, I guess it was fun having Lina Inverse along for a while.
Her reputation for destroying everything is a... well... somewhat 
exaggerated, at least."

	"There is no teriyaki, only Zuul."

	Babblin' Joe was in his finest form tonight, totally 
incomprehensible in any concievable way. Bangle would've given up and
tried another member of his crew, but he couldn't find his Mazoku 
first mate, Loxim, Rowby was still seriously injured, awaiting an 
alchemist from somewhere in the port city to stop by and repair him, 
and what few of the new crew that were on the ship instead of getting 
blasted in town were on watch or in their racks.

	Besides, sometimes Babblin' Joe said something that was useful; 
or at least entertaining.

	Babblin' Joe tilted his head and asked, "Curse those evil 
octopi?"

	Bangle shrugged. "I guess that I just don't know what to do now
that I have enough people to make this ship a success. Not to mention
the offers from local merchants wanting to trade with the mainland. And
the..."

	"Scotty, gimme that power..."

	"Yeah, you're right. What am I so afraid of?"

	"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Babblin' Joe added quizzically, 
"Those bastards?"

	"That's one thing for sure. Life just won't be as interesting 
without Lina around..." Captain Bangle started laughing uncontrollably,
almost falling off his chair as he pounded the table with his hand.
After a few minutes, he wiped the tears away. "Yeah, right! I'll take
boring if it means surviving..."

	The door slammed open suddenly, and an eight-foot red-skinned 
octopus-faced monstrosity with suckered tentacles sprouting from its 
back stepped through the door. "Boss, I need to take some leave."

	Captain Bangle stared for a moment. In the six-odd years that
he'd been sailing with Loxim, the Mazoku had never left the ship 
willingly. Or unwillingly. Or even that time the ship had been on 
fire... 

	Babblin' Joe nudged Captain Bangle, saying, "Lovely Angels, not
Dirty Pair?"

	"Oh!" Bangle nodded slowly. "Uhh... sure, but..."

	The Mazoku trampled over his words roughshod. "I've got a very
bad feeling about Lina Inverse and the people that came with her. One
of _those_ feelings that says I _have_ to do something."

	Captain Bangle shrugged and said, "I suppose you have a few days
of leave on the books. Go ahead and take it. Just make sure that you
come back, okay? Don't go and get yourself killed."

	Loxim turned around and left. Jacob Bangle found the Mazoku's
silence to be more telling than any longwinded speech.

	"That man is either very brave or very stupid," Babblin' Joe
observed sadly as he watched the door swing shut. Captain Bangle stared
at Babblin' Joe.

	"What did you just say?"

	Babblin' Joe looked at his captain. "Oh, freddled gruntbuggly?
WTF? All your base are bel... whoops, ixnay onay amelay ineslay."

	"...Never mind."

****

	Ranma Saotome was a morning person. Maybe it had been the long 
years on the road, maybe his father insisting on training before dawn 
had had a hand, perhaps it was simply genetics; whatever the cause, for 
some reason he always woke up just before sunrise, no matter what had
happened the night before. 

	He'd drifted off to the sound of Xelloss and Luna reminiscing,
and wasn't at all surprised to wake up to the same low tones. What was
suprising was that they had visitors. And even more surprising...

	"Konatsu! And... uh... hi, Ucchan."

	The chibified okonomiyaki chef beamed at him in the tooth-
decaying way that only true superdeformity bestows. "Hi, Ranchan! Good
morning!"

	Ranma took a moment to collect his thoughts; the sudden jolt
his senses had recieved (equivalent to 8 1/3 cups expresso) from Ukyou
had hit him very unexpectedly. "What are you two doing here?"

	Konatsu shrugged, threatening his kimono's arrangement. "Well,
actually, that's _his_ job to explain." He pointed, and Ranma followed
his finger.

	To a blank section of wall. The male kunoichi frowned. "Your
ninja tricks don't fool me," and tossed a star at the wall.

	"Well, that's too bad." The star disappeared in midair, then
reappeared in the fingers of a ninja garbed in deep russet, a ninja
whose bared face reminded Ranma of someone...

	"Who the heck are you?"

	The ninja scratched the back of his head. "Erm, you might know
me better as the Kuno family ninja, Sasuke Sarukagure..."

	Ranma interrupted with a decisive, "No." He held up one hand,
wincing slightly as his ribs twinged a warning. "Sasuke is about this
tall, round, and goofy-lookin'. You look like you just stepped out of 
a ninjutsu manga where the hero crushes skulls in his bare hands an' 
saves Japan every other week." The martial artist shook his head 
slowly. "Sell it someplace else."

	The ninja said angrily, "What, you think I was an four-foot 
idiotic monkey klutz all my life? How the heck would I have lived 
through ninja training?! No, the real story is far worse. You see, what 
this little girl-" he motioned at Ukyou, who beamed at the attention 
"is going through right now, I also suffered."

	Ukyou gasped cutely. "You mean..."

	Sasuke nodded solemnly. "Yes, I was... deformed."

	Ranma burst out laughing. "Yeah, right! Even I know that bein'
deformed means bein' cute an' stuff. Sasuke was the ugliest little 
guy that I've ever seen, not countin' Happosai..." He frowned in 
thought, and the ninja nodded. 

	"Yes, being deformed is not all about being cute. Why, super-
deformation has led to some of the greatest terrors in the history of
mankind. The Teletubbies, for example."

	"But... Never mind." Ranma shook his head. "Okay, let's just 
say that you've convinced me, and now it's time for the flashback 
explainin' your very tragic story."

	A man with a crossbow holstered at his waist and a shiny star
on his chest sauntered into the room, slamming the door behind him. "I 
done warned yew 'bout breakin' the Fourth Wall, son. Yew gonna make me 
run yew in?"

	The ninja who claimed to be Sasuke shook his head and said 
coolly, "No, because if you did I'd be forced to break him out. You 
wouldn't want any angry ninja loose in _your_ jail, would you?"

	The sheriff nodded slowly. "Yer done right 'bout that, son. 
Shucks, guessin' I'll have ta leave yew alone fer now." With that, the 
sheriff tipped his hat to Konatsu, Ukyou, and Luna, who was watching 
all this with a bemused expression, and left peaceably.

	Xelloss said brightly, "Gosh, that guy sure was a freak!" Then,
he added, "What are you all... looking at?"

	Sasuke stared for a moment. "...Whatever." Then, he visibly 
gathered his thoughts, sat on one of the empty beds, and began.

****

	To be honest, I wasn't always a ninja. In fact, all I wanted to
be was... a lumberjack! Best girl by my side, leaping from tree to tree
and singing...

	Ahem. Thank you for the smack upside my head, Konatsu. While
my family did indeed live to serve the Kuno name as their eyes from the
shadows, their... ninja, I disdained such a life. In fact, I saw such a
life as trite, boring, and a dead end. My father was lenient with this,
as I was his third child, and I left their ninja traditions to serve
Kuno-sama as an accountant, balancing his books as my siblings... 
balanced his books in other ways.

	It wasn't until my twentieth year of life that this changed.
Disaster struck, and both my brothers and my sister were killed, which
meant that the family tradition was mine to uphold. So I gave up the 
pleasant life of numbers and set out to find the greatest master of 
ninja techniques in Japan.

	I was one of the finest disciples to ever graduate from the 
Learn-Ninjutsu-In-Thirty-Days-Or-Your-Money-Back workshop taught by the
famed Okane-ji of Mount Fuji. Indeed he was most pleased with my rapid
progress through his workshop and offered me a position as his
assistant. Fearing to spend any more time away from my ancestral watch,
however, I declined.

	Indeed I was right to fear such an absence. While I'd been away,
the Kuno patriarch had gone insane, his wife had disappeared, and both
the children had been... 'shook up', to put it politely. In truth, I 
didn't want to admit they were as crazed as their father was... now.

	Oh! For the days when the Kuno name struck fear into the hearts
of their enemies! When their equal prowess on the battlefield and in
the intrigues of the Imperial courts won them their reputation! 
Perhaps... perhaps it was those accomplishments that led to their 
enemies dragging them down like a pack of scavengers. 

	Saotome, you look at me as if I were as insane as my masters.
Yes, once the Kuno family was great. Now, all that is left of them is
money and lunacy.

	Although, the tradition of Strapping the Living Rabbit Upon the
Kabuto was a good sign that not all was well...

	Enough of such reminiscence. I shall move on with my tale. 

	Kuno-sama left two months later, which meant that I had to raise
the children by myself. I was an indulgent 'father', teaching them 
whatever they were interested in - honor and history to Tatewaki-sama, 
poisons and (some) ninja tricks to Kodachi-sama - but they soon saw that
I was a lower rank then they, and they found much pleasure in ordering 
me to get them priceless objects or allow them to do things that I knew
was harmful. It was an intolerable situation for a 'parent' to be in.

	I sought a method of gaining control over them, and found only
one: to become a lord such as they were. But... but... I was a ninja!
Such people could not gain rank!

	Then I heard rumors that the ninja clans all across the land
were gathering, looking to elect the next "Ninja Lord". It was a 
mock title, of course, used only as a cheap fill-in joke; but it was a 
title nonetheless, and I was desperate after the... incident with the
tabasco sauce, the hedgehog, and the visiting magistrate.

	So I took leave, traveled to the Shinobi Moot, and presented 
myself as the Sarukagure candidate. I took the test, making it through
all the trials with ease... until I came to the Inconveniencing. Then, 
I failed, and my failure was expressed for all to see: as super-
deformation.

	So I traveled back to my home in shame, and was helpless to do
anything but watch as the Kuno family spiraled down further and 
further...

****
 
	Ranma stared at Sasuke as he wrapped up his tale. "Riiight..."

	Xelloss said angrily, "Golly gee, all that's fine and dandy, but
how in John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmit's name are we supposed to reverse 
this silly little curse? You did it."

	Sasuke started laughing madly. "Ah... hee... if only I'd...
realized..." After a few moments, he recovered his composure, but there
was still a mad gleam in his eyes. "It's really very simple. All you 
have to do is accept what the Keepers showed you could be true."

	"NO WAY!" Xelloss and Ukyou shouted in unison. Ukyou followed 
this up by scuttling over to Ranma and hugging his arm.

	"Ranchan's _my_ Ranchan!"

	"Oh, is he?" 

	All the people in the room turned to look at the doorway, where
a young woman was wearing a slight frown. Kasumi held up a basket, and 
the frown turned... upside down. "I brought some nice breakfast for you
all!"

	Much chomping and scarfing followed her simple pronouncement. 
It was interrupted only when Konatsu finished a bite and asked, "What
about the others back at your house?"

	Kasumi smiled. "Oh, that's no problem. Akane's cooking them
breakfast!"

	Ranma felt something lodge in his windpipe, but somehow, he
was far more afraid for the others at the dojo than for himself. At 
least here he could motion frantically and hope someone helped him.

	At the dojo, there would be no one to hear their screams...

****

	As we have mentioned before, everything that is written 
_anywhere_ dealing with _any_ god is just metaphor, a filter for our
puny senses so we don't hurt ourselves. A god is, by definition, 
simply too far above our level to understand.

	So if I say that the Sea of Chaos answered Her phone, first 
making sure it was not the one marked "Help Line," we shouldn't read
too much into it, should we? Of course, a realistic perspective is the
_last_ thing you should have when thinking about the gods...

	"Yes, Who is it?" 

	A familiar voice asked tentatively, "Could I come over?"

	The Sea of Chaos shrugged. It wasn't as if any other gods could
cause trouble in Her world unless She let them. That made Her furious 
with the current situation all over again. _Jusenkyo, You're such a
idiot! If You weren't on what's likely to be Your deathbed..._ "Sure,
come on over." Then, She frowned. _I wonder who that was? She sounded
familiar..._

	The knock came seconds later, and the Sea of Chaos swung the
door open. "Um..." 

	A whirlwind slammed into Her and locked Its arms around Her 
waist. "OhI'msogladtoseethatYou'reallright!"

	The Sea of Chaos was almost knocked off Her feet, and Her ears
rang with the speed at which the apparition babbled. Then, Her eyes
refocused, and she said, "Jenni?"

	Jenni, Adorable Incarnate, nodded, and Her expression brightened. 
"Oh, I'm so happy that You remember Me!" Then, it darkened again, and 
She sobbed out, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry!"

	The Sea of Chaos had never been too comfortable dealing with
Her Sister-Mother; after all, They hadn't seen each other in... oh...
a very long time...

	Relationships. Anyone who knows at least a little about gods
know that their family trees fork somewhat less than a thirteenth-
generation redneck's, and are tangled in ways that makes Internet
law seem easy to understand by comparison. So let's just try to 
accept Their relationship and... erm, not think about it too hard, 
lest we have to go lie down for a little while.

	Gently extricating Herself from Jenni's grasp, The Sea of 
Chaos said pleadingly, "Siis/Mooom!! Do You always have to... to... 
hug Me like that? It's embarrassing!"

	Jenni shrugged. "I just get carried away by how incredibly CUTE
I am!" She giggled, then frowned in thought. "What did I come here to 
do?"

	The Sea of Chaos rolled Her eyes. "You said something about
'BeingsogladtoseethatI'mallright!', or something similar."

	"Oh, yeah!" Tears started gushing down Jenni's face. "Oh, I...
Ididn'tmeantodestroyYourworldandI'msosorry!"

	It took The Sea of Chaos a moment to decrypt this latest 
burst of information, but the moment She did, a frown split Her face.
"What do you mean, 'destroyMyworld'?"

	Jenni stopped crying and tilted Her head to one side. "Well, I 
didn't really understand all the parts with big words, but Order said
that He's going to crash Your world with some sort of power that You
let slip onto Your world." She waggled Her finger at Her Sister-
Daughter. "Didn't You learn anything from what happened to the nice
fellow down the street and that awful One Ring?"

	The Sea of Chaos raised a finger of Her own. "So why are You
telling Me this? I thought You..."

	Jenni sniffled again. "Because... because... all I wanted to
do was make Your world cute! And if He plans to blow it up... itwon't
becuteatallalthoughit'llmakeaBANG!andsparklieswillflyeverywhereand
it'llbesoooooooooprettybutthesparklieswon'tlastforlongandthen You'll... 
You'll cry. And... I never could stand to see You cry." Speech done, 
She looked down.

	The Sea of Chaos, taken more than a little aback, said 
uncertainly, "Jenni... I..."

	Then, Jenni looked up and Her face crinkled in an adorable
frown of disgust. "You're just sooo _ugly_ when you cry! Watching You 
cry, I can't believe I'm related to You at all."

	The Sea of Chaos felt Her hands twist into hamhooks. "SIS/MOM...
WHY CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS FOR MORE THAN TWO SECONDS!!!"

	"EEEEK!!!"

****
	
	The kitchen is a battlefield. 

	Thus Akane Tendo believed, and it was with this always foremost
in her mind did she cook; with valor, strength, speed, and discipline. 

	The fact that this approach didn't work didn't matter much to 
her; it just meant that she wasn't using enough valor, strength, speed,
or discipline yet. 

	So thus it was that the whirlwind did descend upon the Tendo 
kitchen.

	Lina nudged the panda next to her. "So, does it usually take
this long to get food?"

	It held up a sign. *The service is usually much more prompt.*

	Nabiki looked at him angrily. "Uncle Saotome, I'll thank you to
be a bit more circumspect in referring to my sister as a servant."

	The panda managed to look very contrite as it motioned with 
another sign. *I'm sorry.*

	Ryouga looked around. "Where's Akane?"

	Nabiki shrugged. "I haven't seen her all day. Maybe she's 
sleeping in?"

	Zelgadis stumbled into the room, scratching at his wiry hair.
"Good mornin', everyone." He yawned elaborately, covering his mouth 
with a hand that was... blue.

	Lina pointed at him. "Hey, you're back to normal."

	The chimera looked down at his arm. "You're right!" He danced
an impromptu jig of joy, for once not caring who saw him break 
character.

	"Breakfast!" 

	When Doom's chime sounds, one doesn't expect it to sound like a
cute teen holding a steamer full of rice in one hand.

	Nabiki stood up and chuckled falsely. "Ahaha, er, I've, erm,
got a tennis match I forgot about, gotta go!"

	Akane, eyes narrowed, seized her sister's shoulder firmly. "Oh,
no, dear sister. I spent all morning cooking this and you're going to 
at least _try_ it." Nabiki sighed and sat back down, accepting her 
defeat gracelessly. She mentally composed a mantra, hoping it would 
focus her efforts to survive the coming meal. _There is nothing to fear
that Pepto-Bismol won't clear..._

	Akane sat down herself and placed the steamer of rice beside 
her. Opening it up, she got out a wooden spoon and said brightly, "Who
wants some?"

	"Oh! Oh! Me! Me!" As if that weren't hint enough, Lina held
her bowl underneath Akane's nose. Akane blinked. Then smiled.

	"How nice!"

	The panda held up a sign. *NO! Don't throw your life away!*

	Akane grabbed the sign and hit the panda as hard as she could,
snapping the sign neatly. "Do you mind?!"

	Ryouga rubbed the back of his head. "Um, Akane, he does, kinda,
have a point..."

	"Whaff gould fe wrong wiff diff?" Lina swallowed, then held out
her bowl to Akane again. "It's delicious!" Then, Lina's face contorted
in discomfort, her hand went to her stomach, and...

	She belched. "Um, excuse me. Just ate a little too fast..."

	The panda hastily scribbled on a sign, then held it up. *NO
WAY!!!!*

	Nabiki stared in a mix of horror and amazement. _How did she
just eat one of Akane's meals and grin? Her stomach must be as strong
as cast iron! No... stronger! Didn't one of Akane's meals eat a hole 
in Kasumi's favorite pot? Or else, it's one of her... delayed effect 
concoctions..._

	Akane grinned pointedly at the panda and her sister. "Why, 
thank you so much!"

	Lina looked up from her second bowl long enough to say, "Wait a
sec. Where's Gourry? It isn't like him to miss a meal..."

	The object of her curiousity wandered into the dining room 
wearing a "Piyo-Piyo" apron and juggling dishes in both hands. "I've 
got the rest of it!"
	
	Zelgadis, who'd been watching the drama unfolding with a 
detached expression, folded his arms across his chest and asked, 
"Since when have you been able to cook?"

	Gourry said cheerfully, "Not a clue. What, did you actually 
expect _me_ to remember?" Then, he nudged Akane and said, "But I saw 
that she needed some help, and I decided to jump right in! All for one,
one for... someone or other!"

	"Thank you very much, Gourry-sensei!" Akane beamed up at him
as he set the dishes on the table and sat down beside her. 

	Lina absently noted a snapping sound from the vicinity of her
fist. Looking at it, she saw that she'd snapped her chopsticks in two.
Or, to be more accurate, she saw that she'd ground them into fine 
powder. _What's with that... _little girl_ kissing up to Gourry?_ she 
thought, conveniently ignoring the fact that they were both probably 
the same age.

	Genma spotted the opening and made for it as if it were a mile
wide. First, the pickles. Next, the seaweed and the fish, scooped up in
a single quick motion. Then, the rice, taken from the bowl still held 
loosely in one hand. And then...

	The scream. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FOOD?!?!" 

	Genma grinned and let out an amused gahorf. This... Lina... had
reacted almost as interestingly as his son.

	"Who... the panda..." she whispered in shock. "How dare...
DILL BRAND!!"

	The panda never saw it coming. 

	The arc was perfect, and if Genma had been human, he would have
been deprived of his humanity as he catapulted out of the open garden 
door and into the pond. As he wasn't, all it did was make him wet and
smelly. And angry. 

	Genma jumped out of the pond and assumed a ready stance. Lina
rolled up one sleeve and grinned. "Just what I needed this morning. If
you want some... RAYWING!... I'll give you some!" 

****

	Jusendo. The center of power. The tap into the energy of Change.

	The young woman that had been Amelia, that might yet again be 
Amelia if all went well, bathed in Jusendo and the power that flowed 
from it. 

	The objects that had once been the Keys, that would never again
be the Keys if they had their way, bathed in Jusendo as well, reveling
in rejoining the powers of Change that they had been birthed from.

	And they planned...

	"How will he attack?" Amelia wondered aloud. "When will he 
come?" She clutched the Keys closer. "He wants these, but can he use
them? Has Order's power changed him that much? Can Order tap into my
energies at all?"

	Amelia didn't know. Neither did the Keys. That didn't mean
either was willing to take any chances.

	Maybe what they'd done to Jusenkyou had been a bit extreme.
But...

	"Order is far stronger than Change right now. The Wheel has
turned, and I'm on the downside. When did this happen? Is He 
augmented with Someone else's power? Cooperation is Order's strong 
point..."

	Once again, they didn't know, and all the speculation was 
certainly useless; but they would defend their world together, as a 
Hero would.

****

	"FLARE ARROW! Grrr... missed again! BURST RONDO! Dammit! How 
does he dodge like that? FIREB... no, no, willpower, Lina, don't destroy
the house... GUNS'N'RO... wait, wrong series... ARRRGH! Forget it! 
CHARGE!"

	Lina had discovered something about pandas that can bounce around 
like jumpings beans on amphetamines: they were very hard to hit with 
precision spells. And as she'd already precluded the use of area-effect 
magicks (an unusual restraint on her part) because she wasn't sure 
how the Tendos would react to having their home leveled to the ground
and she, for once, didn't want to be an inconsiderate guest.

	Little did she know that they were quite used to that sort of 
thing, but that's neither here nor there. So, having no other recourse,
she moved in, leading with her right.

	Lina's skills in hand-to-hand were of the rough, practical sort,
having been taught to her from the none-to-gentle hands of her sister 
and her mother, and refined in the occasional brawl with bandits when 
nothing but the feeling of someone's face under your fist would do.

	Genma's skills in hand-to-hand were of the perfected, masterful
sort that can only come from decades of practicing the Art and a 
natural ability and grace that can't be taken away, even by a pronounced 
stoutness about the tum. Add to these the strength of a panda bear...

	It was dead even well into the third quarter, with the distinct
possibility for overtime.

	Nabiki, Akane, Ryouga, and Soun Tendo all watched the ensuing 
carnage with the mix of fascination and boredom that can only come from 
watching the endless parade of martial artists invade, fight, and get 
beaten every time by Ranma.

	Zelgadis and Gourry both watched the ensuing carnage with the
mix of fascination and boredom that can only come from watching Lina 
Inverse do this sort of thing at least once a week.

	It was this scene that Ranma Saotome, having leapt his way 
across the roofs of Nerima at some risk to his still-healing ribs, 
stumbled upon. He stopped on the roof of the Tendo's gate, something
about the whole thing nagging him...

	Zelgadis said cynically, "The panda's good, but the smart money's 
on Lina."

	Soun turned. "I'll take that bet!"

	Nabiki turned and said, "Daaa-ddy!" Soun hung his head down,
until Nabiki added, "Twelve-to-one odds on Uncle Saotome, Father. Don't
be a fool."

	"But why? He's a major character, he's bound to win!"

	Gourry raised one finger. "HA! So is Lina!"

	Zelgadis rubbed his chin. "That means that, basically, the odds
are..."

	"Fifty-fifty." Akane shrugged.

	Ryouga shook his head. "No, no, no! You're all forgetting 
something."

	"What's that?"

	"Mr. Saotome is always the comic relief! He never wins a 
fight!"

	Soun gasped. "You're right!" He turned to the chimera. "Umm...
do-over on that bet?"

	Zelgadis shook his head. "No do-overs."

	Nabiki raised a finger of her own. "Ah, but you all forget 
something else entirely. Ever since his promotion to the Mastership of 
the Anything-Goes school, the amount of angst and internal questioning 
he's been having qualify him for a role above mere comic relief."

	Zelgadis gasped himself as this subject hit close to home. 
"A-angst? Internal questioning? He's been wondering what his purpose is
in life, and if there's anything beyond this?" At Nabiki's silent nod, 
he turned to Soun and asked, "Do-over on that bet?"

	Soun shook his head. "No do-overs."

	At that moment, Ranma leapt between the panda and the sorceress,
pushing them apart with perhaps a bit more force than necessary. "Pops,
why ya always gotta..."

	"RANMA!!" 

	Without taking his hands away, Ranma looked over his shoulder 
at Akane, who'd just yelled at him for no apparent reason. "What? What?
WHAT?! Why the heck are are you yellin' at me NOW?!" 
	
	"LOOK AT WHERE YOUR HANDS ARE, YOU IDIOT!!"

	Ranma looked over at the hand he'd placed firmly against his 
father's chest to restrain him just in case the old man tried something. 
Though there was something about the way his father was grinning that 
unnerved him...

	_Wait a sec. Hand... against... chest?_ Already knowing what 
he'd see, fearing to even move, lest it set in motion the machine of 
feminine wrath he knew awaited him, Ranma looked down at his left hand.

	Which he'd placed firmly against Lina's chest to restrain her
in case she tried something.

	Ranma snatched his hand from Genma's chest to point at Lina.
"This ain't, er, what it seems..."

	Lina's fist impacted Ranma's face. "If you're _almost_ finished,
I think that girl with the short hair wants to tell you something
with the hammer she's holding."

	Ranma was stricken with a sudden sense of deja, just before he 
was stricken with something much heavier that hurt quite a bit more.

****

	Gosunkugi sat in his dark, terrifying lab, pondering the darkest,
the strangest, the least understandable mysteries the universe had 
ever revealed to the minds of men. 

	He threw aside his copy of the Pnakotic Manuscript that he'd only 
been studying half-heartedly anyway and shouted out, "WHY!? Tell me why! 
I've got incredible cosmic power, I'm attractive in a goth, consumptive 
way, and I wear black _all the time_, so tell me _why_ I can't get a 
girlfriend!"

	His eyes narrowed as a thought struck him suddenly. "I know what
to do... I'll just make my own!" He pulled out a pad of paper and 
began scribbling arcane sigils and abstracted runes. "Let's see...
as a base template... I like the way Akane Tendo looks, so let's use
that. Can't make her exactly the same though... might give rise to
identity crises within the copy... I'll give her red hair! Wow! I bet 
Akane would look even better with red hair! And as for a name..." He 
held up the pad, by now covered, and said softly, "Akemi. Perfect."

	Gosunkugi looked at the pad for a moment, then ripped the sheet
of paper off the pad, balled it up, and tossed it into the corner 
wastebasket, which had one of those little basketball hoops over it.
"Naah. I mean, create my own girlfriend? How pathetic would _that_ be?"
He chuckled. "Man, I'd have to sink pretty low... now, maybe an 
charm to make me six feet tall and buff as Ranma, on the other
hand..."

****

	The patrons of the Bilge-Water Inn (named, some said, for the 
alcohol it served, but the bartender argued against that supposition 
quite eloquently with the club he kept under the counter) were used to 
the lowest of the low. The absolute scummiest of the scum that ringed a 
bathtub which was never, could never, be cleansed.

	So when two hot leather-clad chicks sauntered into the bar late 
Friday night, the sheer enigma of it kept the twenty-seven males in the 
bar from reacting for nearly forty-three seconds.

	It didn't last forever. Three-Fingered-Discount Rimoki (named not 
only for his hobby but for what it'd cost him) stood up as they passed 
his chair on their way to the bar. "Hey ba-"

	The casual backhand that probably broke his jaw was an effective 
"No."

	The bartender, whom for reasons best not explained was known as
the Flaming Forfeit, wiped his hands with the little towel he'd been 
given upon graduating from bartender's school. "What k'n I getcha 
ladies?"

	The shorter one motioned to the taller one. "Something with as 
much alcohol in it as you've got for her, but I lost the bet so I'll 
just have flavored sugar water, preferably carbonated." She added as 
an afterthought, "We'll require one of your rooms as well."

	The Flaming Forfeit blinked, then said, "Sure t'ing, sugar." 
After some pouring and stirring, he worked up enough courage to ask, 
"Why ain't yer... uh, friend, said anythin'?"

	The shorter woman blinked, then chuckled. "My dear man, we 
decided that only one of us would be able to speak today."

	"W-why?"

	"Because two goddesses speaking at once would be too much for 
your poor minds to take!" The shorter woman raised one hand to her 
mouth, took a deep breath, and... "OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

	And her taller companion laughed at the same time as she, as 
though they were linked...

	The Flaming Forfeit, thinking it was safe to take his fingers 
from his ears after their mouths stopped moving, did so and asked, 
"Erm... yeah, sure. So... why d'ya want a room, anyway?"

	As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew that it had been a 
foolish thing to ask. But the shorter woman just brushed an invisible 
speck off her black corset and said, "Because we've got to plan out 
how we're going to approach the man we love."

	"You two aren't, er, uh..." The Flaming Forfeit floundered about 
for a political metaphor, because he was watching Three-Fingered 
Discount Rimoki finger his jaw and whimper over the shorter one's 
shoulders and he had no urge to suffer the same fate. The taller one
grinned and nudged the shorter's shoulders, and the shorter one
grinned as well. 

	"Oh, I assure you that we aren't. We're just hetero lifemates
looking for our love, Ranma! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!"

	His fingers flew to his ears, but he was too slow, and a slight
tricle of blood seeped out of his ear canals. The only thing he 
could do was send up a prayer for this poor Ranma's soul. Wherever
he was, it had to be better than here. 

****

	Ling-Ling, staggering slightly despite the staff she was using
to prop herself up, bumped into something that knocked her from her
feet. Looking up, it took her a moment to focus her eyes on the
object she'd bumped into. Once she did, she jumped to her feet and
screamed, "YES!!"

	Her sister, who'd came to a shambling halt a few steps past,
asked irritably, "Why are you making all that noise? My head hurts."

	"Because we're HERE!"

	"Well, of course we're here. Where else would we be?"

	Ling-Ling grabbed Lung-Lung's shoulders and pointed her at the
sign. "Read!"

	"You know my Japanese isn't very good..." Then, she got a good
look at the sign, and let out her own shout of victory. "We're here!"

	"Finally! We've reached..."

	Lung-Lung searched her pocket for a moment, then pulled out 
a letter that had obviously seen better days. She stared at the 
address and breathed, "Nerima..."

****

	The Jusenkyou guide was a bit worried; for it seemed that he'd
been put out of business. 

	As he prodded the bottom of one of the empty pools with a bamboo
pole, he could only say two words:

	"Oh boy..."

AUTHOR NOTES

Well, that was fun! Now all four of the people who read me will 
_finally_ get off my back for a while.

Aww, just kiddin... I know there's only three of you. 

First order of business: Babblin' Joe's line explanation. Just the 
really obscure ones...

1) "There is no Teriyaki, only Zuul." 

>From the Varaiyah Cycle, by Mike Loader. Still one of the funniest 
fanfics I've ever read.

2) "Oh freddled gruntbuggly?"
 
Vogon poetry. The less said (or read) the better.

2) "All your base are belong..."

This line has a distinct history with me. Despite the fact that I've
been told the name of the game SIX times, and had the line explained
to me as many, I still can't remember the name of the game, and the 
explanation didn't stick until the last time...

3) "ixnay onay amelay ineslay."

It's pig latin. I don't like using 'common' jokes without making fun
of them _somehow_.

What's up with Amelia and the Keys? Well, I need _some_ kind of buildup
to the final confrontation. It's called foreshadowing, and I like that
sort of thing a lot.

The Gosunkugi scene? Erm... if you don't know, look for Putting Your
Heart in the Right Place, by John Walter Biles. Jeez, looking at this,
one would think all my ideas come from other fanfic authors... -_-;;
And I talk about other people being lame.

But that's just maudlin thinking again. No negative thinking! Onward to
the future! Etcetera, etcetera...

Naga and Kodachi, hetero lifemates? What's up with that? Could it be a
ref to the Ambiguously Gay Duo? Or maybe, Jay and Silent Bob? To the 
disappointment of perverts (including myself) everywhere, I'll have to
say Jay and Silent Bob.

I'm sorry about not using your title, Xelloss. But I've already used my
Wizard of Oz title, and I'm trying to get new ideas into the mix.

Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@hotmail.com
"I may just be a pothole in the road to you, 
 but I'll be a deep one!"
 -The guy with three eyes in DBZ (I'm deeply amused by this quote, as
   it symbolizes my attitude towards every fight I get in.)

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