DB Sommer wrote:

Wow! A longer fic by A Tymes. Now this I got to see:

They do happen.  Honest.  You don't want to know how much I've been
beating myself up 'cause I haven't been able to get one completed this
year until now...and how much of a relief it is to get this postable.
(In light of the comments, I'll put out at least one more draft,
though.)

Parting a Cloudy Future

Written by Adrian Tymes

"It really has been too long," Kiyone muttered to herself.

Now that sounds like a challenge for... A SPAMFIC!

Mihoshi shrugged.  "He was only twelve inches.  And the one before
that, eleven.  I could've taken them."

^_^;

Just kidding.

Hey, don't let me stop you.  Diety knows I've probably earned it.   ^_-

"I wish."  Kiyone pulled her jacket a little tighter, hoping that the
gently building wind and the clouds on the horizon would not break into
storm before they could take shelter in Tenchi's house.  "It's probably
just retrieving some artifact or documents that can't be safely
transmitted.  He trusts us since we helped save his throne, so he pulled
some strings to get the most secure couriers he could."

Besides, even Fed Ex couldn't deliver.

They have this little policy of not delivering where their planes can't
reach.  They don't even make runs to the ISS.

"Nah, he wouldn't do that.  Would he?"

that, would he?" (I think)

Period to indicate a longer pause than a comma.

"Forget it.  C'mon, let's go find Ayeka, and don't let me forget we've
got that message to deliver to Ryoko as well."

Mihoshi: Message. I thought he wanted us to deliver her a massage.

Kiyone: See, you're doing it again. Besides, that silly. It was a typo. Why
would the Emperor want us to give her a masage.

[On the Imperial Throneworld]

Azusa: I hope those two I sent remember to give Ryouko that massage. I'd
hate to have to execute them for failing me.

Oh, wait for it.  ^_-

the street lights' photo sensors had tripped, turning them on and
illuminating cones of water droplets just as they finished their
kamikaze plunges to the streets and sidewalks.  It was a metaphor Ryoko
found entirely too appropriate to the scene at hand.  For not the first

Awkward. I'd reword this.

Right.  Breaking up the sentence.

But the money...yes, the money was there, and it spent as well as any
money.  Better, even, than bills or goods she stole, for those could be
tracked, so some forms of spending were closed off.  This money was as
close to honest as she got, and she would need it if she was to be
truly worthy of a future Emperor's affection.  Sooner or later, she knew
Ayeka would resort to trying to buy Tenchi's love...and while she
doubted that tactic would succeed, it would be less likely to if she
were not a total pauper.

Heh. Nice looking into Ryouko's mind.

Just hope she never meets Nabiki while thinking that.  ^_^

Her customer trudged forward in the shadows.  A camo cloak foiled her
sight, even infrared and ultraviolet, to only a slightly lesser degree
than the alley's shadows provided concealment for both her and her
client from any natives wandering by.

End was awkward. I'd reword that as well, but nothing is coming to mind.

Brian reacted to it too.  I'll shortening it.

Ryoko suspected that what she

faced was actually a drone robot,

Which means it isn't.

controlled by the customer from some

distance away; certainly, the figure seemed to be much smaller than a
normal person.  Perhaps, in the light, it could even pass for an
innocent child, which no one would suspect of carrying poison.

Sasami, then. Wonder why, though.

I'd say I was a little too obvious about that, if there were any
better places later on to connect this to Sasami before Misaki
confronts her.

Ryoko could not shake that impression.  Yes, her merchandise had many
legitimate medical uses.

Mostly for legal medical death used to execute prisoners.

Too slow.

Yes, some people used it their entire lives

with no ill effects - so long as they never ever tried to withdraw.

Heh. Quite the catch.

"Just one tiny condition..."  ^_-

 But

far more people had suffered side effects, or gone too long without a
dose, and...well, more than once, she had let non-payers simply go
without, and took her rightful money from their corpses.

Nasty stuff, all right. What is it? Hallucinogenic?

Does it matter?

The wind howled as Kiyone knocked on the door.  Though she could not
see them, she had felt a few specks of cold

'water' would be better, I think

Disagrees with my own experience.  You feel the cold - which could be
water, could be ice, could be specks of frozen blood, could be a number
of things.  The only direct sensory input is "cold".

One minute stretched into an impatient eternity, and Kiyone had to look
at her watch to confirm that sixty seconds were not actually half an
hour.  It would be just her luck to come all this way only to find out
that the Masakis were on vacation and Ayeka was actually here to compare
Earth trees to Juraian ones instead of just hang around Tenchi and...

Oh? So she's here to see Sasami? Didn't realize that.

Err...she's here to see Ayeka and/or Sasami, but she's worried that
everyone would be away from the house just now.  Not sure how to state
that better without ruining the imagery.

dressed for colder weather, with only a t-shirt and shorts to ward off
the chill, but even so Kiyone had to wonder how much of Mihoshi's
goose bumps were due to the cold and how much were because she had an
excuse to cuddle Tenchi again.

I don't really recall her cuddling him in the TV series all that much,
though from her fantasy world in Washuu's failed experiment it does appear
she is attracted to him, since they were married.

<shrugs>  She's less of a main character than Ryoko and Ayeka, so she
isn't show getting away with as much.

"Oh, lemme see!"  Mihoshi dropped her cup and snatched up the pad.
Tenchi and Kiyone simultaneously grabbed the thankfully empty cup before
it could shatter.

Heh. They know her.

Of course.

 Tenchi let go, allowing Kiyone to set it down in

front of her partner.

Kiyone then looked up to berate Mihoshi, but froze when she saw the look
on her face.

"That's...but he...but..."

"Someone ressurecred Kain AGAIN? Everyone does that to him or Kagato in
these fics! Can't they come up with someone original?" Mihoshi whined.

Wish granted.  Be careful what you wish for...  ;P

"Yes, quite."  The princess looked at the table, off into space,
anywhere that would not meet Kiyone's gaze.  "Particularly the article
that says if over two thirds of those worlds served by the Galaxy Police
no longer want their protection, the GP are to disband immediately?"

Heh. That could be bad.

I don't know.  Do you think the foreshadowing here was quite overdone
enough?  ^_^;;;

"A few hours ago," Ayeka quickly interjected to keep Kiyone from sinking
too far into depression, "my father decreed that the Juraian Empire no
longer wishes the Galaxy Police's protection,

Oh ho. So it's his doing.

 and presented a signed

statement with a number of other nations concurring.

Obviously they know when to toe the line.

Just for the record: if anyone sees any parallels between this and the
WTC aftermath, none were intended.  Honest.

"We don't serve anyone, anymore.  And with the Galaxy Police gone, the
Yagami and everything in it is OURS!"  She raised a fist in triumph as
an expression of pure joy lit up her face.  "We're rich!"

Interesting. She never seemed that material.

I've known a few "instant" ("dotcom") millionaires.  Even the least
materialistic are at least a little thrilled (and sad when their
fortunes evaporated).

"I thought the Yagami always belonged to Kiyone."

Why? I never say any indication of that, other than that was the ship she
arrived in.

Saw it in some background material on TM.  I'm pretty sure (though not
100%) it wasn't fan-canon.

"Well..."  Mihoshi pulled her fist down and rested her chin on it.
"Technically, but they helped her pay for it, so there was some
question.  But there's more: a couple days ago, we helped take down a
despot on Sylat 4.  Our spaceship was the largest Galaxy Police ship
present, so his personal fortune was loaded onto the Yagami to take back
to base as evidence.

Oh. Hehehe.

CMA because I'm *not* sure.  ^_^

 We'd just gotten back and resupplied when we were

told to report here immediately, so it's still in our cargo bay.  And
that's in addition to all the weapons and equipment we were
issued...though I'm not sure if we want to sell those.  In fact, I think
some of our friends knew what was about to happen, so they stashed some
artifacts on our ship to make sure they never fell into the wrong
hands."

Since theirs were the 'right hands'. :)

Loyal GP officers.  At that instant.

"Ye..."  Tenchi blinked.  "Are you telling me *that* gateway is on the
Yagami?!?  It's HERE?!?!?"

"Umm, no."

Hehe. Cute.

Kain, played by the aptly named Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Fic.

Tenchi found he had leaned forward almost into Mihoshi's chest, and
willed himself to sit upright again.  "Anything dangerous?"

"No more than usual.  For instance..."

"A Shihana flower. It's perfectly safe, as long as you don't let it out of
its containment unit on a world with any form of life, as it will then
blossom and kill everything with its spores, right down to the smallest
microbe."

"See?  Just the usual danger."

 She pulled out her cube.  "The

complete blueprints for these things.  I think we're expected to sell
them to the highest bidder, so they'll be made for everyone rather than
the designs just being lost."

Actually it depends on who can afford the items in question to ensure they
have them. :)

True.  But *someone* producing them is better than letting them go
lostech.

"No," Ayeka interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Ahem.  As the First Princess of Jurai, on a world claimed by the
Juraian Empire, and with the legal powers conferred by Galaxy Police
membership no longer in effect, you are technically on this planet by my
leave only.  My word is law.

'you two are my bitches now,' Ayeka assured them.

More or less.  If she cared that much.

"Are you sure?  I mean, ok, I'll give you a list, but the two saplings
that someone stole from your Royal Nursery probably need better care
than we've been giving them, and I'm sure you'll want to change the
control codes for your battleships we intercepted from some pirates, and
we got enough of the tree fungus someone was going to defoliate Jurai
with that you can make an antidote but there's still quite a few doses
somewhere out there, and..."

Business as usual, then. :)

But of course.

"Fair warning: I put in some neural manipulation fields to help me keep
my mind focused on my work.  They'll probably trigger for you too.  So
don't think you're going strange if you cycle through what you're going
to feel faster than you think you should."

Heh. Quick way to deal with things, I suppose.

Washu comes prepared.  That fact alone made it difficult to give Washu
proper introductory setup here.

Kiyone's mind archived the fact, but her seat of consciousness was in no
shape to process it.

"If...when...you need someone to talk to, I've been there, and I'll be
here.  But for now, the door on your left.  And if it helps, I'm sorry
anyone has to go through what you're going through."

Bah. She can become a bounty hunter. She'll have more free reign to do what
she wants and she'll still be doing the same thing.

Or maybe let Mihoshi go bounty hunter to have an excuse to chase after
Kiyone the pirate.

The faintest flicker of a smiled

smile

Got it, will change.

 briefly graced the corner of Kiyone's

lips, as she trudged off towards the indicated portal.  Through it, she
found an empty field, grass covering gently rolling foothills as far as
the eye could see.  Idly, she realized this must be one of the planets
in Washu's pocket dimension: far above, a bright spot among white,
fluffy clouds indicated the local sun's position.  The air was utterly
still, and the temperature perfectly balanced between warm and cool.

And what exactly is the 'perfectly balanced' temperature beetween warm and
cool, since different people regard different temperatures as being warm and
cool? :P

Adjusted for Kiyone's physiology, no da.

What Kiyone did not see was the pollen in the air, tuned specifically to
her biology to tempt her towards a nap.

My. Washuu moves fast. Had the set up in place.

As I said.  ^_-

>From a one-way observation

portal, Washu watched her part experiment, part mercy mission unfold as
Kiyone laid down and let slumber overtake her.  Only once the subject's
brainwaves confirmed sleep did Washu allow the dream altering machine
hovering nearby to uncloak and settle into place.  It was not just for
the sake of science that Washu had brushed off her prototype
psychological shock reducer.  The focused expression of what some might
call pious hope, were it on a face other than Washu's, showed that it
was not merely to get her name associated with another radical invention
that she now tweaked and twisted the images in Kiyone's mind, trying to
give her some inner peace.

No offence, but this seems a bit of a cop out. People lose jobs, it's true,
but I hardly think the need for mind altering devices to limit their sorrow
over it is necessary. Now if Kiyone proved unable to deal with it for a
prolonged period of time, I could see resorting to this tactic. But as it
stands, Washuu's meddling is over the line IMO.

Hmm.  I was trying to portray that Kiyone was not broken up over the
job loss per se, but rather the revelation that the GP, which she had
devoted all her energies to and hoped to someday reach the top of, was
the exact opposite of the bastion of law and justice she thought it
was.  Kind of like if Amelia learned that Sailoon was creating all the
mazoku on her planet, and her own magic had been helping.

******

To Tenchi, people like Azusa and his grandfather were always calm,
unflappable types.  Even in the most dire of crises - especially then,
in fact - they were the centers of calm and peace, their hearts as solid
as rocks.  They only ever allowed themselves to show positive emotion,
such as humor or joy

When did Azusa show those?

I think I saw Azusa show a little tenderness towards Ayeka, briefly.

"No," Azusa interrupted, "I think it best that we use our own couriers
for such sensitive cargo.  Some of these things, if word even got out
that they were not in our possession for even a second..."  He sighed.
"And handing them over here is out of the question.  Too many people
would see.

Emperor of the Galaxy and he has no secret places for doing dirty deeds
(dirty being a relative term)?

He's a modern emperor: saves money by acquiring what he needs when he
needs it.  Besides, Earth is a pretty secret place, relative to those
he's concerned about.

Ayeka, I shall send Misaki in a fast shuttle.  Expect her in

ten hours."

"My mother?"  Ayeka blinked.  "Umm...begging your pardon, but would not
Funaho be a better choice?  She is the head of Juraian Intelligence,
after all."

"Indeed.  But the mere fact of a royal shuttle will prevent any inquiry
as to its contents, and speed is of greater importance."

Funaho doesn't use a royal shuttle? Or is the implication there are more
eyes watching the Minister of Intelligence than the somewhat ditzy Captain
of the Royal Bodyguard. (I think that was Misaki's title)

The implication is that a royal shuttle, regardless of the pilot, will
be sufficient protection from snooping eyes.

 He smirked.

"You seem to have forgotten about your mother's piloting skills.  Even
our best computers can not navigate hyperspace well enough to reach
Earth from Jurai in under a week."

"I wonder why. I always do it in under four days," Mihoshi mentioned.

Ayeka sighed, her eyes staring off into dreamland.  "And Tenchi, dear
as he is, only takes five minu...oh, wait, we're talking about a
different 'it', aren't we?"

Ayeka cast a glance at Mihoshi, sizing her up.  "I can not argue with
you there.  They do seem to be soul mates."

Ayeka's impying Mihoshi and Tenchi are soul mates? That's a surprise, or
does she think Mihoshi would simply be easy to manipulate.

Huh?  I meant Mihoshi and Misaki.  Where'd you get Mihoshi and Tenchi
from in that passage ("as good a second as Misaki")?

"..."

"This is not an option, child.  I fear that may poison your feelings
against the experience, and against me, but I will not let my own blood
live in the primitive ignorance of Earth

in Earth (I think)

The particular ignorance Azusa objects to is a property of those who
inhabit the Earth, not of the dirt and rocks that comprise the Earth
itself.  Thus, "of".

Tenchi shook his head.  "What he said was GAAH!"

Ayeka chuckled politely as Mihoshi launched herself across the table to
tackle-snuggle

Heh. I like that term.

It does get a clear image across, no?

******

Tenchi was just managing to gulp down some air despite Mihoshi's embrace
when

air, despite... embrace, when

Trying to convey a slightly faster speed.  Thus, no pauses, so no
commas.

"Ahem."  Ayeka waddled closer on her knees, preparing to grab Tenchi
away if necessary.  "If you hadn't noticed, Ryoko, we *do* have
company."

"Hmm?"  Ryoko glanced down.  "Oh, sorry Mihoshi, I thought Ayeka looked
a little different.  Have you heard about the GP yet?"

"She has."  By now, Ayeka's knees were on Mihoshi's back, keeping the
blonde pinned to the floor.

Oh? Why is she so determined to leave her there?

Mihoshi just happens to be in the way.

 Instead of struggling, though, Mihoshi just

closed her eyes, smiled, and let out a slow sigh.

"Oh.  Well, sucks to be you."

That's a bit cold, even if Ryouko is in a foul mood, which she isn't.

Eh?  Even with Tenchi present, she's still recovering from a few
paragraphs ago.

"Nooo," Mihoshi moaned, "please don't stop."

"What?"

"You're giving *such* a good backrub..."

hehehehe. Nice.

"..."

"But could you go a little higher?  Just beneath my ribcage would be
perrrfect..."

Very nice.

Even if it wasn't quite what Azusa intended.  ^_-

through the odds, finally settling on what seemed the most likely: Ryoko
caught Ayeka and Tenchi in a compromising position, and negotiated that
into letting her claim Tenchi's virginity - possibly with Ayeka watching
or even shamed into assisting.  Nodding to herself on her stakeless
internal bet, she opened the door, readying a few choice comments
depending on the angle presented to her.

Heh. How cynical for so young a child. Not that I blame her.

It fits Sasami's character, or at least my impression thereof.

"But you said Misaki's coming."

"Trust me.  You can go faster in hyperspace than in normal space; mommy
pushes that to its limit."

It'll be a Mihoshi like landing then.

You know it.  ^_^

Sure enough, with a blast of wind, a hyperspace portal appeared just
above the lake's surface, disgorging a sleek shuttle that Tenchi swore
he had seen in some science fiction movie two weeks ago.

Actually it was probably some incident from last week that his mind has
recatagorized as being from a movie, which is what his life is like now.

Quite possible.

 The shuttle

gracefully but quickly hovered to dry land and set down...upside down.
A hatch on its side irised opened after a few minutes, out of which
tumbled Misaki, landing on her feet.

"MOMMY!"  Sasami jumped up and ran to meet her mother.

"SASAMI!"  Misaki ran just as fast, meeting and hugging halfway between
shuttle and porch.

Misaki: Did you get your mommy some smack?

Sasami: Sorry.  Ayeka wouldn't put out enough to pay for it.

Sasami smiled, backing away a bit.  "It's nothing, mommy."

Mommy (I think it should be capitalized this way. Same goes for later uses
of it.)

I disagree: it's not a proper noun.

Misaki frowned.  "You've never been able to lie to me, dear.  Show me."

And so it's about to hit the fan.

Yea verily.

"Umm, Misaki, ma'am?"  Mihoshi held out her hand.  "I don't suppose
you'd let me hold onto those while you work this out?"

Ah. Mihoshi wants the hit.

I couldn't see a good way to hide the culprit at this stage, with how
Mihoshi would be feeling.  Another "story writes itself" bit.

"Certainly not!  This is a matter between mother and daughter.  Please
stay out of it."

"But..."

"No buts.  I'm not going anywhere until we get this resolved."

Sasami looked up.  "Even if it starts to rain?"

"..."  Misaki sighed in defeat.  "Well, ok,

okay (always spell it out)

"ok" *is* how I spell it out.  Like the difference between "color" and
"colour", or more precisely between "Kiyone" and "Kiyonne".

"I was still in orbit when they blew up the whole city, just to
eliminate one man.  I think they thought I'd already left.

Seems a bit extreme. Even if they wanted to corner the market on the drug,
worst case scenario is everyone gets it and the playing field remains level.
It's a waste of resources and time, as well as leaving the possiblity
someone will sniff out what they were doing.

Part of the reason evil is regarded as evil is because it is almost
never the most productive use of resources.  Consider: is it more
productive to torture and kill dissidents, or to put them to work until
either they see their error or their ideology is refined down to some
good ideas that can be put to use to improve society and its overlords?

"After that...I had a chance to turn things around, right then.  I
could've gone to the news nets with what I'd found.  I could've tried to
reform the system from within.  Maybe...*maybe*...I could've even taken
out every corrupt officer at gunpoint and installed an honest chain of
command.  I seriously thought about that, even checking my combat scores
against the senior officers'.  I might just have been good enough to
actually pull it off.  But I wimped out.

Since she couldn't control the new officers coming in, odds are the system
would have reverted to its previous state

New employees are shaped by an organization's culture.  The topmost
ranks of any large organization have far more effect in the example
they set than in the actual strategic decisions they make.

"I overachieve at everything, don't I?  I'm even more pathetic than you
are."

Heh. Now that's a mean thing to say.

And *that's* the self-pitying image I wanted to convey in Washu's
lab...

"Unimportant for you, perhaps.  But Earth is going to have enough
problems without drug dealers prowling its cities.

Ah, it already has plenty of those.

Nah, no irony here.  Move along, nothing to see.  ^_-

Ryouko's still with him? Didn't think you mentioned that.

Ryoko was last seen in his company, hauling him away.  I hoped I could
let it be implied.

So basically she gave a bunch of kids a host of dangerous toys and is hoping
they don't abuse or misuse them in their rush to play with them. Right.

Who said anything about no abuse/misuse?  Ya gotta learn somehow.

And here we go with the final analysis. Didn't like the whole 'Make Earth
advanced and part of the Empire stuff.' Too forced, unncessary to the
integral plot of the stims, truth about the GP, and about Mihoshi.

And ironically, it was the whole inspiration for the fic to begin with.

I think you'd be better off having ending it early with Kiyone
maybe considering how to bring Earth into the fold and making that the
worthy goal she's looking for. What you have here feels rushed and just
tacked on to the end, not flowing well at all with what has come before.

I wasn't too happy with the ending either...but leaving it as
"considering" seems somehow worse.  Not sure why.
	     .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'