Just touching on a few points:

 But

far more people had suffered side effects, or gone too long without a
dose, and...well, more than once, she had let non-payers simply go
without, and took her rightful money from their corpses.

Nasty stuff, all right. What is it? Hallucinogenic?

Does it matter?

Nope. Merely idle curiosity.

The wind howled as Kiyone knocked on the door.  Though she could not
see them, she had felt a few specks of cold

'water' would be better, I think

Disagrees with my own experience.  You feel the cold - which could be
water, could be ice, could be specks of frozen blood, could be a number
of things.  The only direct sensory input is "cold".

It can work, but I don't think most people's reaction is going to be
thinking 'cold' when water hits them. Just thinking there would be a better
word associated with the effect, but that's mostly my opinion and a minor
quibble in any case.

One minute stretched into an impatient eternity, and Kiyone had to

look

at her watch to confirm that sixty seconds were not actually half an
hour.  It would be just her luck to come all this way only to find out
that the Masakis were on vacation and Ayeka was actually here to

compare

Earth trees to Juraian ones instead of just hang around Tenchi and...

Oh? So she's here to see Sasami? Didn't realize that.

Err...she's here to see Ayeka and/or Sasami, but she's worried that
everyone would be away from the house just now.  Not sure how to state
that better without ruining the imagery.

Sounds like she's concerned Ayeka will still be around despite Tenchi's
absense to me. That was why I thought she wanted to see Sasami.

dressed for colder weather, with only a t-shirt and shorts to ward off
the chill, but even so Kiyone had to wonder how much of Mihoshi's
goose bumps were due to the cold and how much were because she had an
excuse to cuddle Tenchi again.

I don't really recall her cuddling him in the TV series all that much,
though from her fantasy world in Washuu's failed experiment it does

appear

she is attracted to him, since they were married.

<shrugs>  She's less of a main character than Ryoko and Ayeka, so she
isn't show getting away with as much.

Part of the problem here is I wasn't aware this was a mix of continuities.
Mention that at the start so as not to confuse people.
Also the meshing of the series isn't all that well in this work. Feel isn't
right to me, but the story is good enough to overlook these things, IMO.

"Yes, quite."  The princess looked at the table, off into space,
anywhere that would not meet Kiyone's gaze.  "Particularly the article
that says if over two thirds of those worlds served by the Galaxy

Police

no longer want their protection, the GP are to disband immediately?"

Heh. That could be bad.

I don't know.  Do you think the foreshadowing here was quite overdone
enough?  ^_^;;;

Not really at that point. It was only afterwards. However I've always been
more inclined Azusa would have done more dirty things than the GP to remain
in power, not that I think he's bad, just that it would be easier for him to
do.

"I thought the Yagami always belonged to Kiyone."

Why? I never say any indication of that, other than that was the ship

she

arrived in.

Saw it in some background material on TM.  I'm pretty sure (though not
100%) it wasn't fan-canon.

A case of fusing series that threw me again.

found an empty field, grass covering gently rolling foothills as far

as

the eye could see.  Idly, she realized this must be one of the planets
in Washu's pocket dimension: far above, a bright spot among white,
fluffy clouds indicated the local sun's position.  The air was utterly
still, and the temperature perfectly balanced between warm and cool.

And what exactly is the 'perfectly balanced' temperature beetween warm

and

cool, since different people regard different temperatures as being warm

and

cool? :P

Adjusted for Kiyone's physiology, no da.

Her personal physiology then, but Washuu could have probably gained that
info at any time earlier.

No offence, but this seems a bit of a cop out. People lose jobs, it's

true,

but I hardly think the need for mind altering devices to limit their

sorrow

over it is necessary. Now if Kiyone proved unable to deal with it for a
prolonged period of time, I could see resorting to this tactic. But as

it

stands, Washuu's meddling is over the line IMO.

Hmm.  I was trying to portray that Kiyone was not broken up over the
job loss per se, but rather the revelation that the GP, which she had
devoted all her energies to and hoped to someday reach the top of, was
the exact opposite of the bastion of law and justice she thought it
was.  Kind of like if Amelia learned that Sailoon was creating all the
mazoku on her planet, and her own magic had been helping.

Didn't think of it that way, but I'd still be more inclined to let her sort
this out on her own than using the machine as a crutch for dealing with her
feelings.

unflappable types.  Even in the most dire of crises - especially then,
in fact - they were the centers of calm and peace, their hearts as

solid

as rocks.  They only ever allowed themselves to show positive emotion,
such as humor or joy

When did Azusa show those?

I think I saw Azusa show a little tenderness towards Ayeka, briefly.

Good point. Sasami too.

"My mother?"  Ayeka blinked.  "Umm...begging your pardon, but would

not

Funaho be a better choice?  She is the head of Juraian Intelligence,
after all."

"Indeed.  But the mere fact of a royal shuttle will prevent any

inquiry

as to its contents, and speed is of greater importance."

Funaho doesn't use a royal shuttle? Or is the implication there are more
eyes watching the Minister of Intelligence than the somewhat ditzy

Captain

of the Royal Bodyguard. (I think that was Misaki's title)

The implication is that a royal shuttle, regardless of the pilot, will
be sufficient protection from snooping eyes.

But that still doesn't answer Ayeka's question as to why Funaho wouldn't be
doing it, since she probably is more suited for the job. I'd add some remark
from Azusa that Funaho is busy with more important matters, and Misaki will
more than suffice.

Ayeka cast a glance at Mihoshi, sizing her up.  "I can not argue with
you there.  They do seem to be soul mates."

Ayeka's impying Mihoshi and Tenchi are soul mates? That's a surprise, or
does she think Mihoshi would simply be easy to manipulate.

Huh?  I meant Mihoshi and Misaki.  Where'd you get Mihoshi and Tenchi
from in that passage ("as good a second as Misaki")?

Ayeka's referring about marriage to Tenchi and Mihoshi, so I made that
connection rather than the Misaki one. Not sure how you could make it
clearer.

"She has."  By now, Ayeka's knees were on Mihoshi's back, keeping the
blonde pinned to the floor.

Oh? Why is she so determined to leave her there?

Mihoshi just happens to be in the way.

Understand after the next couple of paragraphs. It's fine as is.

Sasami smiled, backing away a bit.  "It's nothing, mommy."

Mommy (I think it should be capitalized this way. Same goes for later

uses

of it.)

I disagree: it's not a proper noun.

Hmm. I guess, but the way she uses it sounds more like her title. Same way
that Ayeka would say 'It's nothing, Mother.' Of course I could be completely
wrong and perhaps you wouldn't capitalize it. Grammar rules are not my
strong suit. Other people on the FFML could probably clear up my confusion.

"..."  Misaki sighed in defeat.  "Well, ok,

okay (always spell it out)

"ok" *is* how I spell it out.  Like the difference between "color" and
"colour", or more precisely between "Kiyone" and "Kiyonne".

Never seen it spelled in lowercase letter, in that instance. Webster's seem
to think it should be either OK or okay. And I do believe that while you can
use OK, most of the people I know seem to think spelling it out as 'okay' is
the better way to do it. Less jarring to the reader's eyes, perhaps. It
could be I just lead a sheltered life and never heard of it done as just
'ok' before.

And here we go with the final analysis. Didn't like the whole 'Make

Earth

advanced and part of the Empire stuff.' Too forced, unncessary to the
integral plot of the stims, truth about the GP, and about Mihoshi.

And ironically, it was the whole inspiration for the fic to begin with.

Perhaps, but the idea that spawned from it ended up being the primary part
of the fic, and IMO, the better part. This felt rushed and tacked on to me.
But that might be just my reaction and everyone else thinks it's fine.

Still a very good work though.

D.B. Sommer


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