Hey,

Just a quick bit of C&C....

He put the attache case on the sofa and
snapped it open. The three gasped when they saw the contents: stacks
of hundred-thousand yen bills.

Japan doesn't use hundred-thousand yen bills.  It goes (in coins): 1,5,10,50,100 amd 500 yen, and (in bills): 1 000, 2 000 (new and fairly rare), 5 000 and 10 000 yen.

Michael sat back down. His voice sank almost to a whisper. "You've
heard of Cthuhlu?"

Umm, right.  No offense, but this is where I jump off.  This isn't a criticsm of your writing, or even of the plot.  What I don't quite see, however, is why this is set in the Genma's Daughter universe.  I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of Genma's Daughter, nor its sequel, Equal Halves.  I find the characterization of Ranko vs Ranma to be terribly biased and unfair; that virtually any dramatic conflict is removed by the near-perfection of the Ranko character; that the attempt to avoid typical fanfiction gender cliches is undermined by a near-stereotyping of gender-role behaviors; and by the reduction of Akane from confused-lover to mere supportive-sister role.  However, I have to give full kudos to the author for skillfully crafting a Ranma story that is character-driven and persistant in its emotional analysis and introspection.  I may not entirely like it, but I can't deny that it's a good story--and a character story at that.

So why set (what appears to be) an action story, replete with such things as Time Cops and Cthulu, in the Genma's Daughter Universe?  Many I'm judging too quickly, but I don't quite see what either story has to lend to each other....

Michael looked up at her, and she was frightened by the look in his
eyes. "It wasn't fictional. Cthuhlu was real, thousands of years
ago. And the ... thing we fight now is even worse."

Worse than Cthulu?  Gosh, that's pretty bad.  Why is it that Ranma and company always seem to end up fighting eldritch terrors from the realms beyond?  (I guess I shouldn't speak, I'm no better).  Thing is, the horror in these Lovecraftian-type stories is usually in the un-revealed, the unspoken and darkly hinted-at.  When someone blurts out 'Have you ever heard of Cthulu?' early on in a story like the time cop did, it kinda reduces the ineffable horror of Mr. Squid-head to that of generic end-boss villain.

Conversation was a bit muddled as first Akane and Ranma, then Nabiki,
began to talk to their friend. "Oh, Sis. I never thought I'd see you
again." "Hey, kiddo. Long time no see. Keeping up with the sparring?"
"You bet. And how are you doing with your violin?" "Great." "Ranko, I
guess it *is* pretty good to see you again." Michael smiled to
himself. Ryouga boggled.

Incidentally, breaking up the dialogue onto its own lines might make that a little easier to read.

remaining martial arts abilities, her sometime doppelganger were as

doppelganger 'was' as....

I know, more critical than helpful, sorry.  By all means, continue the story--but just ask yourself if you might not be better off building your own backstory from the ground up....

-Mike Noakes

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