$Here ya go. Comments are my opinion only, feel free to ignore
me.
The Observer smiled... Now this was something that might be useful...
CONNECT
Accessing MAGI
ENTER DATABASE
Opening BALTHASAR link
Entering system
Welcome to NERV NET.
OPEN DATABASE
Personal data files.
Enter login & password.
SHADOWPAWN
***************
Accepted. Special clearance Hyades.
OPEN DATA FILE ON AYANAMI REI
Personal data file, Ayanami Rei. File status: Empty.
The Observer's smile disappeared.
OPEN DATA FILE ON SHO FUKAMACHI, SUB-COMMANDER
Opening file... File status:Empty.
"Damn!" The Observer swore. 'Missed again. And I'll have to log out
soon!'
Another file is connected to searched file.
Open Y/N?
Open Y/N? Y
Special data file, Guyver Unit 01
$What kinda funky operating system are they using? Sides, I
thought he had unit three. It's been about six years since I've seen
the Guyver, so I'm probably wrong.
"What the?" The Observer muttered, surprised. 'What does Fukamachi have
in common with the Guyver?'
Name: Bio-booster artificially-controlled parasite-armor, unit 01.
Definition: The Guyver armour is a combination of a very unusual
parasite and an incredibly advanced biotechnology. The parasite is,
initally, an incredibly dangerous carnivore, able to digest a man-sized
victim within less than a minute. The late dr. Yamamura believed that
$Dr.
it used to infest the digestive systems of some huge alien creatures,
perhaps even the living ships the Creators used. Nontheless, the
parasite also possesses some rather interesting abilities, especially
the ability to increase the host's physical traits a hundred fold, as
well as giving him increased regeneration (The second is possibly due
to the rather strong stomach acids the parasite's original host
possessed. It would also explain why the Chronos Enzyme prototypes
were as useful as they were.). The armour also enables the host to use
several additional abilities, like partial gravity control, the sonic
weapon, the sonic blades and the energy weapons, the head-mounted laser
and the "megasmasher" energy cannon(Again these were probably used in
order to survive in the organism of the original host and move through
it).
$More likely the creators engineered it into them.
It is worth noting that it is possible to remove or destroy the
control medalion, turning the armour on the host, but, in such a case,
the host would nontheless regenerate, should the medalion remain and
should any of the parasite's material remain on it's surface. Should
the host be devoured and no other possible food remain in the vicinity
of the parasite, it shall dissolve, although the later is possibly due
$it will dissolve
to the effect of earth's atmosphere on it's body, now unprotected by
the biotechnology.
'Hmm... Quite fascinating. I wonder if the pilots know what exactly
they give home to?"
Status: Inactive as of the end of the Chronos War, when it has been
removed from it's first host, Fukamachi Sho, as one of the results of
the battle between Units 01, 03 and their allies against the Zoalord
Arkenfel.
'What? Fukamachi was the host for unit 01? In the times of the Chronos
War?'
Attempts to reactivate the unit, which was obviously damaged during the
battle, have only brought the deaths of potential hosts, including
Ikari Yui.
'Ikari's wife? I knew she died during some freak EVA activation
experiment in Gherkin but...'
After the last attempt, dated 8 March 2009, the unit went into an even
deeper state of damage, demolishing a large part of the laboratory it
was being kept in and killing the scientists present during the
$laboratory housing it and killing
experiment, including the geneticist Yamamura. Despite being host to
prototype artificial Guyver armor, dr. Yamamura was unable to withstand
$Dr.
the released power of unit 01 and fell victim to it. The further damage
done to the unit may be the result of attempting to link it with one of
the prototype subjects of the Instinctual Control Program. The
resulting mix of biomaterial was probably the reason of the devastation
of the Artificial Laboratory #5, where it was being held at the time.
End of data available to given clearance.
Further information marked Bahamuth clearance.
LOG OFF
Logging off complete
'Well now... That was certainly interesting. And rather useful.' The
Observer muttered as the terminal closed. 'So that's where the unit
awaited its new host...'
Psychopathic Delusions put on Paper presents
An NGE/Guyver elsewords fusion
by Eshin
eshin@friko5.onet.pl
eshin@dragonmount.com
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Legacy of the Creators
"Welcome, Ikari Shinji! Welcome to the Artificial Development
$Suggest you switch the first and last names. Makes it easier
to remian consistent throughout the story.
Laboratory, Guyver Research Area." Ritsuko declared. "Go on in... It
$Area,"
should be waiting for you. I suppose Makashima explained to you what
you should do..."
He nodded grimly, than entered, the armoured door shutting before him.
$then entered
For a few moments, all he could see was coolant vapours coming from the
nearby ventilation shafts. He took a few hesitant steps forward, and
than he saw it. The control medallion was hanging in the air, with
pieces of some metallic substance located all around it. The strange
grey ooze from which the parasite was formed was hanging all around it,
like huge tendrils, spread between the laboratory's walls, going around
the various computers and testing equipment, slipping through the ribs
and bones of the bodies lying on the floor in several places. The whole
thing was pulsating, as if it had a beating heart... He was almost
ready to believe it recognised him and beckoned him closer...
$heart. ...closer.
"So... It's you! Mother... You've already taken my mother away from me!
$That's a bit confusing. Perhaps: "So, it's you! You've
So now you want me as well?" He shook his head angrily. "Very well..."
$Now you want me as well
He took a step forward, his arms spread wide. "I'M HERE!" Another step.
"TAKE ME!!!!"
As if on command, the pulsating mass lunched itself a him, the grey
$It lunched at him? What, it's going to eat him after all? I
think the word you're looking for is lurched.
tendrils surrounding his body, melting against it, than through it. He
$then through it. You seem to be confusing than and then
fairly regularly. Keep that in mind from now on.
trashed around the lab, smashing the equipment all around him as every
pore in his body was being defiled by the substance. He fell to his
knees as he felt it reach his neural systems... His hand rose once
$nervous system.
again, throwing a computer monitor from one of the desks, and than fell
$Again, you've got the then and than confused. If this is a
frequent problem, I'd suggest that when you write something do a
document search for both then and than, and make sure you have the right
one in all the places you used it. I do that in my own work for
they're, their, it's, its, and several other commonly confused words
that spellcheckers miss.
So, here you'd want '...desks, then fell to the ground.
to the ground...
Several silent minutes passed.
$Several minutes passed in silence.
Finally, a pale blue shape stirred on the floor. It slowly rose, it's
$its Heh. A search for that kind of thing can really catch
the errors, and they seem to be the only misspellings you're having.
red crystalline eyes shining menacingly. The unit slowly walked towards
$I thought its eyes were kinda silvery for the most part.
the door, it's sensors detecting a potential enemy... no... a potential
$its...enemy, no, a potential target on the other side.
target... on the other side. A hissing sound was heard as the armblades
sprung from their places...
$I don't think the elipses are conveying the tension of the
moment very well. Perhaps:
The armblades sprang from its forearms with a hiss, and the
Guyver stalked forward menacingly.
Or something.
Akagi Ritsuko had almost given up hope after all the waiting. 'It
$Well, you seem to be keeping the name order consistent.
appears we were wrong. Just another victim to the parasite. The
Commander will probably be disappointed...'
$Gendo: Nah, what's one son, more or less? I'll find another
pawn.
Her thoughts were suddenly
disturbed by the sound of reinforced steel being cut like paper, a
sound one would certainly find fascinating as long as one wasn't the
person protected by said reinforced steel. What remained of the door
was ripped apart as a large, blue shape stepped out of the lab, it's
$its it's=>it is
armblades shining in the dim light the corridor lamps provided.
'No! It's a berserker!!! We've only summoned forth our own deaths...'
$A bit melodramatic, ain't she?
Ritsuko thought, as she took a few steps back, horrified.
The armour, however, stopped.
"Dr. Akagi... What now?" Shinji Ikari asked, now fully in control of
$Akagi, what
the unit.
Episode 2
To combat one's hatred.
16.20 Entry Hallway to upper EVA Cage 01-F
"So... you understand what you have to do,Shinji?" Ritsuko asked.
$So, you...do, Shinji?
"Enter the Entry Plug. Wait until it fills with the...LCL, wasn't it?
$I don't think entry plug should be capitalised. And when using
an elipse to end a sentance, it ends the sentace. Give it a space or
two, depending on your style, and then start the new sentance with a
capitalised first word. LCL was already capitalised here, but you've
shown a tendancy to not do that.
Wait until it feels with it and than..."
$fills with it, and then?" Shinji trailed off uncertainly, looking at
Ritsuko expectantly.
It's a way of conveying the confusion he's feeling without resorting to
the much overused ...
"I know it sounds a little abstract, but you should send out a mental
call for the EVA. Ask it to join with you."
"Very well. I'll try, at least..."
"Just do it. One more thing, though: you should know that it is
possible to mentally order any part of the armour to partially
dematerialise. It will be kept in a subspace pocket, ready to reappear
$He just blindly accepts subspace? I'd be asking some questions.
on your call. And I'd advise you to recall the helmet- it might be too
$helmet, it
cumbersome in the limited space of the Entry Plug."
$Still don't think that entry plug needs to be capitalised.
"Whatever..." Shinji muttered as he concentrated on recalling the
$"Whatever," Shinji
armour. After a minute, the plates forming the helmet disappeared,
leaving only a small metal circle embedded in his forehead. He touched
it, surprised.
"The control medallion must remain, in order to prevent the armour from
going rogue. However, exposure to LCL should turn it into a more
comfortable crystalline form." Ritsuko said, smiling. "You may also
$form," Ritsuko said
Heh, you made a common mistake, only reversed. Usually people have:
'form," Ritsuko smiled.' which is also incorrect.
have some problems with speaking, since LCL is, after all, a liquid.
However, it increases the basic psychical powers of the Unit, allowing
$Interesting way of putting it, although I suggest having it be psychic
instead of psychical. Does make you wonder, though.
you to communicate with us, either telephatically or telekinetically,
$telepathically
by forcing the air near one of the speakers to send through sounds. It
may of course require a little practice."
$may require a little practice, of course."
He nodded. "I see." 'I certainly do! So how do I know my personal
opinions won't be transmitted as well? Damn! This _is_ rather
irritating!'
"All right than! Get in there!"
"Uhh... Dr. Akagi... If I can make the armour to partially
$the armour partially
dematerialise, can I make some part of my normal clothing appear
outside?"
"I... I suppose so..." She answered hesitantly. "Why do you ask?"
$so," she
In reply, he closed his eyes for a moment and, on the collar of the
armour, the silver thunderbolt pin appeared. "For luck." He explained,
$luck," he
grinning slightly.
16.25 Tokyo-3, right above the Geofront.
"Stay sharp! We don't know how powerful this thing is, but we know it
won't be such an easy task as these Enzyme-5 training opponents!"
Sub-commander Fukamamachi's voice sounded through the comm units
connected to the armours worn by the Land Dragons. The members of the
group, standing in pairs by the entry channels at several different
points of the city nodded as one.
$city, nodded
"Good! One to Five, go by air and use your megasmashers on him. Six to
nine and Eleven to Fourteen, try to use your fields to neutralise his
$Nine
ATF. Ten, you try to distract him, but be careful. Fifteen, you'll
remain as reinforcement and close cover to the EVA. According to the
Commander, it should be out within forty minutes. If you can hold it
till than, you get a bonus. If you can destroy it, the EVA budget
goes to you. Any questions?"
"Yes!" Number Two, Arisugawa Sorata, replied. "How big is the EVA
$number
budget?"
"About as high as the sum of all of the Europe's countries yearly
national income, Sorata." Replied Sho with barely restrained laughter.
$Sorata," replied
"All right than! Once this is finished, I'm taking you all out to get a
$then
couple of beers! What do you think about it, Arashi-chan?"
"I think that I'll cut off your arm if you ever call me Arashi-chan
again, Sorata!" The woman replied, irritated.
$the
"Two, Five, enough! Get the Angel, you'll argue later!" Fukamachi's
voice interrupted.
"Stop wasting time. Go!" Number 4, Seichiro Sakurazaka declared.
$number
16.28 EVA Cage 01-F
Shinji eyed the entry plug nervously as he slowly walked towards the
hatch. "How can this thing allow me to control _that_?" He asked noone
$he
in particular.
Of course, Ritsuko decided he was asking her. "The entry plug enters
the so called "biosphere". It's something like the control room the
Creators designed for their spaceships. It allows you to obtain perfect
synchronisation with the unit, or at least with the control medallion
on the unit."
$You've been capitalising unit up until now, so those should probably
be capitalised.
"Control medallion? I didn't see anything like that on the armour..."
"You couldn't. In the case of these Units, the medallion is contained
deep within the body of the EVA. That way, the unit is at least
partially protected from the obvious attack way. Although, since the
units differ from humans, and are partially created from Guyver
material themselves, we don't really know what would happen should the
medallion become destroyed."
"In other words..." Shinji said grimly, as he opened the hatch and
$words," ...grimly as
started to enter it. "You're sending me into battle in something that
you don't know anything about against a foe you don't know anything
about, hoping that the whole damn thing won't simply explode and
destroy the whole area, aren't you?!" He summarised bitterly, as he
$he...bitterly as
closed the hatch.
"Oh, we know far more than you'd like to hear, young boy... Far more!"
$boy. Far
Ritsuko whispered to herself. "Insert the entry plug!" She ordered than
$then
stood watching as the white cylinder slowly started to enter the
mechanised port on the unit's neck, until the whole thing was in and
$Unit's
the port was closed by a special barrier.
The plug continued further down, into the red organically interior,
$organic
until it reached the spherical chamber that formed the control area,
stopping only when the tip of the cylinder hit a large red lens on the
floor of the chamber. Several tentacle-like connectors shot from the
floor, entering the insertion holes by the entry plug's bottom, while
similar tentacles joined with the plug from the top of the chamber,
fully connecting the whole system.
$Inside, Tenchi screamed in horror and shock. He hadn't known that
tentacle insertion was a part of the synchronization process.
Ritsuko: Well, would you have gotten in if I _had_ told you?
16.35 NERV Main Bridge
"Plug on position... connected!" One of the bridge crew, a young woman
$Connected. A larger rant on ...'s at the end.
named Ibuki Maya declared.
"Unit status?" Ritsuko asked.
"It's connecting! It's actually taking it into itself!" Another aide, a
short-haired man, Hyuga Makoto replied.
$another aide, a... man named Hyuga Makoto, replied.
"Enter phase two! Send the A-8 Impulse!"
$impulse
16.36 Inside EVANGELION UNIT-01
Shinji blinked in surprise as some orange liquid started to fill the
entry plug through several holes in the bottom of the capsule.
'Isn't this the same stuff we've swam across before?' He wondered
briefly. 'LCL? Is that it?'
"Yes, and yes." Misato's voice brought him back to reality.
'Damn! I've forgotten they can hear what I think.'
"Not all of it, and if you practice a little, you'll be able to
consciously command what you want us to hear and what not." Came the
$not," came
reply.
'Whatever.' 'And I hope you've heard that too!'
16.37 NERV Main Bridge
'Heard what?' Misato asked herself as Shinji's message came through the
communicator. She still wondered how that Yamamura man had managed to
create a device that transmitted telepathic messages.
"Unit-01 fully synchronising with the plug... We have a clean flow!"
$Good! That's how you use it!
The last member of the bridge crew, Shigeru Aoba, informed.
$the last
"Good. How are the energy signatures?" Ritsuko asked.
"Inactive. Wait! The flowing LCL is slowly spreading... Inner system
energy levels now at 10%! 20%! 25% and growing!!!" Maya replied.
$Delete the two extra !'s.
"Connect circuits! Hyuga, activate the Umbilical Cable! Maya, the power
should be enough to connect with the A10 core!"
"Yes!"
"Yes, Senpai!"
Within moments, the eyes of the Unit-01 started to shine as the whole
Evangelion came to life.
"Harmonisation beginning. Pilot synchronisation observed! 2%... 10%!
$Harmonisation? Are you sure?
It's passed the connection barrier! Growing! 30! 37! 43,1% Synch Ratio!
No anomalies detected!" Maya declared, clearly amazed.
"Unbelievable! We may actually make it!" Ritsuko whispered.
$Exclaimation marks and she whispered?
'We will... I trust that kid.' Misato thought.
$will. I...kid,'
16.40 In EVA-01
Inside the entry plug, the dark display screen filling most of the
inner wall finally came to life, first going through a fascinating
myriad of colours, than showing the inside of the EVA cage, as seen
$then
through the EVA's eyes. 'Wow! The whole thing actually works!' Shinji
thought.
"Correct, Shinji. Are you accustomed with the LCL now?"
'It's... Strange... Warm... I feel like it's filling every cell of my
body...'
$Too many ...'s!
"In a way, it is. It's been mixing with your blood, oxygenating it
directly. Everything else is probably the effect of the Guyver
connection. You have to get accustomed to that."
'I'll try... What now?'
$try. What?
"For now, you just wait. Try to get accustomed with the controls,
$now you
although you'll be doing most of it by though, once it is time. It'll
$thought once
still be about fifteen minutes before we can send you out. This is the
first trial of this unit for a very long time, after all."
'In other words, it can still blow up in our faces. In my face,
especially...'
"Not funny, Shinji."
'Sorry, Misato-san.'
16.42 NERV Main Bridge
"Evangelion Unit One, ready for combat!" Captain Katsuragi declared.
"First block removed!" The MAGI's synthetic voice declared.
$the
"Entry bridge disconnected!"
"Restraints Nr.1 & Nr.2 removed!"
"Inner accumulators powering complete. Umbilical Cable connected, power
flowing!"
"EVANGELION 01 moving to gate 5!" Maya reported.
"Gate Nr.5 at ready!" The MAGI resumed.
"Track clear! Status "GREEN"!"
$'GREEN'
"Start preparations finished!"
"EVANGELION UNIT 01 ready for deployment!"
$Too many caps. I don't think it was shouted quite like that.
"Affirmative." Misato replied, turning towards the high bridge, where
$Affirmative," ...bridge where
the elder Ikari and sub-commander Fuyutsuki sat. "Commander Ikari...
$Sub
Are we ready?"
"Of course." Replied the commander, his mouth hidden by his hands, as
$course," replied
they connected at the base of his nose.
$At the base of his nose? How about in front of his mouth?
"If we don't destroy the Angel,
there is no tomorrow for us!"
$Excitable, isn't he?
"Evangelion Unit 01, start!" Misato ordered immediately.
The high-speed elevator on which the unit stood shoot up, and Shinji
cringed, even with the Guyver armour protecting him from most of the
huge pressure caused by the move.
16.55 Tokyo-3, right above the Geofront
"Damn!" Arisugawa sweared. And it had seemed so easy...
$Heh. 'sweared' You want 'swore'.
They took their positions as required, bah, they were even able to
neutralise the Angel's AT-Field. After that, however, it was pure hell.
Their M-Smashers were like little stings to the Angel. It's energy
$Its
lances kept them from massing enough of them to do some serious damage,
and what damage they could do was quickly regenerated by the creature.
And now, thanks to one of the last lance attacks, Sorata was missing a
leg.
"Damn it!" He muttered again, as he hid behind one of the nearby
$he
buildings, hoping to give the appendage some time to regenerate. The
pain was excruciating, but their training had prepared them for it.
<snip rest of fic>
I'm sorry, but I don't have the time or the patience to point out every
little thing that needs fixing. Especially since it's all the same few
mistakes over and over again.
Now, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't have started commenting on this if
I didn't see something worth commenting on.
The writing style was generally good. I liked the action scenes and
the way you handled the details. The dialog itself was pretty fair,
except for all the elipses. As far as characterizationg goes, I liked
Sho. One can only guess what all he has done in the years since he
fought the zoanoids, but it's made him a good commander. Shinji seemed
fairly good too, considering that he's a different Shinji who had a good
father figure in his life.
Gendo, however, seemed a little too excitable, less mysterious. Gendo
has always been The Man. He's the only one who really knows what's
going on, likes it that way, and does his damndest to keep it that way.
Of everyone else, only Fuyutsuki comes even close to having that level
of understanding and power. With the addition of Sho as a prominent
authority figure, I think he should be more on the level of Kaji, with
some knowledge and seeking more, but lacking as much power. As you have
it, Gendo has a circle of peers, which he regularly interacts with.
It's killing the cold mysteriousity he needs to do his job and shine as
a character.
The setting was fairly detailed, but try not to deviate too much from
the Evangelion setting. It's very difficult to successfully merge two
conflicting physical science explainations like that. I'd suggest
having the AT feild be a relatively new additon to the weapons
available, one that the creators designed to defeat the megasmasher and
such. The all Guyver group isn't a bad idea, but I don't think that
sending them against the angel is that great an idea.
As for the plot, I'm witholding my opinion. To early to tell yet. Has
potential, though. I'm entertained so far, lets see if you can hold my
interest.
Now for what I see as the main problems.
The spelling was generally good, but you keep getting things backwards.
Consistently. Its is possesive. It's is it is. Then indicates
chronological order, not 'than'. That kind of thing annoys many
readers. Be more careful. Before you send it out, do a word search for
all the ones you frequently misuse. Check them one by one and make sure
they're correct. That's your job as an author, unless you have
extremely devoted and patient prereaders, which are scarce as hell.
Another common mistake you made was in the dialog.
"Welcome, Ikari Shinji! Welcome to the Artificial Development
Laboratory, Guyver Research Area." Ritsuko declared.
When you have Ritsuko declared, said, explained, ect. after dialog, and
the dialog ended in a period, change the period to a comma.
OTOH, if you have:
"Welcome, Ikari Shinji! Welcome to the Artificial Development
Laboratory, Guyver Research Area!" Ritsuko declared.
The exclaimation point, or elipse, or question mark doesn't get
replaced by a comma.
As for this bit:
However, exposure to LCL should turn it into a more comfortable
crystalline form." Ritsuko said, smiling.
If that had been:
However, exposure to LCL should turn it into a more comfortable
crystalline form," Ritsuko said, smiling.
It would have been correct.
However, exposure to LCL should turn it into a more comfortable
crystalline form," Ritsuko smiled.
Would not have been. The 'said' or something similar has to be in
there to use the comma.
And about the elipses...
Too many. Far, far too many. If all the characters were getting
shocked into stunned silence every two minutes, yes, you would probably
need that many.
Or if you were writing a Chrono Trigger fanfic, but I havn't seen one
of those in a long, long time.
When you do use an elipse, it indicates words left out, as I did in the
earlier comments, or words left off the end of a sentance, in which case
it ends the sentance. The character has trailed off, and the rest of
the words are left unsaid. Great. Fine. The NEXT sentance starts with
a capital letter. Yes, even if the character decided to say those words
after all. It's a new sentance.
Most people don't trail off that much. We tend to speak in fragments,
but we generally just stop, not trail off into silence.
"Whatever." Shinji turned away in disgust.
I believe the actual saying is 'Whatever you say.' The 'you say' has
been left off, so perhaps the elipse is needed. No. "Whatever." works
better with a sense of finality. If you do want the character's voice
to trail off and gradually get quieter and quieter at the end of the
word, it's better to have something like:
"Whatever," Shinji said tiredly, trailing off into silence.
Or even just 'Shinji said tiredly.' which indicates the same thing.
It's much more fun to read, and looks better, more professional.
Especially now that elipses are being used so much.
When not a part of the dialog, elipses should be even more rare, and
should preferrably not be used at all. Used properly, they can help
convey apprehension when in a tense scene. Leaving the unspeakable
stuff unsaid, so to speak. But usually it's not needed, and it's better
to find another way of making the reader anxious. It's just a matter of
word choice and placement.
Now, I admit that I'm a nitpicky bastard when it comes to spelling and
grammar. The occasional mistake doesn't bother me (unless it's my own),
and neither does a couple of benign style quirks. Every author has at
least a few quirks. But overuse of elipses, which seems to be
spreading, is hurting what I see as good stories.
Go back and fix these errors. Don't just write it off and think that
you'll be more careful from now on, that's a trap. Fix the ones I've
pointed out, then hunt for the rest of them. Go back to chapter one,
check your other works, track down those little buggers. In short, be
your own prereader before you even send it out to prereaders or the
FFML.
It can really help your writing, believe me.
Ah, well. Enough from me. Hope you found that useful, and I'll be
curious to see what you do with chapter three.
-Ragun
"It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's,
not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's
its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise
yours and theirs."
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
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