This takes a slightly different focus than the rest, but..
==
It's such an irony, really.
I have always been alone, separated from most. In the oldest days for
us all, I kept my distance mildly, helped ask our queen that there be a
separation between our groups. There *needs* to be that distance
between at least one advisor and a ruler, one Merlin who is able to
make pronouncements that her queen will take as fact. An expert.
There just is no time, amusingly, to argue when some threats come. She
*needs* to be able to take my word immediately as the voice of Fate
warning her.
Closeness would only ruin that. Closeness would mean that I am no
longer a mysterious, powerful figure, and instead a friend. Trusted
more, oh yes, but without the glamour over what I say and know. Back
long ago, I managed the balance. The distance so that the court knew
that I *must* have secrets keeping me from embracing them fully, but
the presence close that reminded them that I was one of them, a
comrade.
I think that kept me sane as well. I think.. that I needed that
closeness as much as they. I saw their balls, and even dressed
elegantly, though I never danced. I couldn't let myself be seen as
someone for a dalliance, as that *certainly* would remove the mystique
I fought for. And yet, I watched.. watched from close enough to
*touch* and speak and to dance with them if I chose. It was heaven.
After it fell, I waited. The Gate needed me, or perhaps I only told
myself that to give me something to keep busy. But it.. I could see
them as much as I wanted. I watched the humans that built themselves
back up from our fall, but more.. I watched the dances, the meetings,
the smiles of my charges, especially the princess. Her bravery in the
end, the strength of her love, then the meetings and sometimes
flirtations of the rest in the balls, seeing over again how beautiful
they were.
This time, I couldn't touch them. I saw them as always, but I no
longer had the *option*. The knowledge that if I chose, I could always
reach out, was gone. I suppose I had gotten the ultimate version of
what I had tried to build -- now I truly was the wise, distant woman.
I don't really know how long it was before this all became too much.
My guardianship could wait without me for a little while, and Luna was
not the only one with a disguise pen. There were balls that I had
missed aplenty, on other business, and so it was very easy to build a
new face and come to them, without my own eyes staring back in shock.
I only meant to hang upon the wall, truly I did. To watch as I had,
but.. it was too much. *Seeing* them, my princess laughing gaily
surrounded by a flock of her guardians and well-wishers, I simply...
I..
Damn me. I should never have started this. It endangers and violates
*everything* that I work for.
A bit of our princess and Venus's gaiety, Mercury's intelligence turned
to matters of the social, Mars's fire, and Jupiter's physical prowess
served as my persona. A wild, charming woman of the balls, with a few
tiny tweaks to set up my backstory as a distant noble who could only
occasionally come. Of course, all of those balls where I only watched
from my queen's side gave me the information that I needed to pounce
upon those who questioned me, distract them for long enough for me to
become accepted.
I could not be Pluto during them, for the others would have sensed me.
It was the first time in.. Serenity, I have *no* idea, that I had given
up that power. When I did, I found a surprise. Without the heights of
power and time running through me, it was.. so easy to lose my focus.
I could live in the moment, let my emotions overwhelm that voice
telling me what *must* be. 'Kimiko' danced and reveled in the social,
the movements and stabs and laughter. Even the most basic of the
physical. No one would have suspected she and me of being two.
Well, no. My queen watched me.. I *know* that she knew. But she has
never stopped me...
They even looked *up* to me, may I ever stop laughing at that thought.
Venus began to hang on my fashion sense, having no idea how I could
always detect the changes of what was to come there.
And they wonder why I act so driven about protecting the future
kingdom. I'm running out of time.. I've been in that limited span of
time so often, woven Kimiko's life into the tapestry, that I have
little more that I can do. Perhaps a new persona, someone else to fit
into the courts, but then I risk even more dangerous alterations of the
past.
I remember hearing of Kimiko, though never seeing her. Of course, I'm
certain that I never used to recall her. How amusing.
I could go to other balls, one where my past self *was* watching, but
she would never understand. Never. She always has the rush of time
upon her, keeping her in the large picture, from distracting herself.
She'd never believe that she's so weak when she lets herself be human.
I could simply stop letting myself transform back to that weak form. I
*could*. I could.. ha. No. Even when I'm Pluto now, I feel that
pull. I can't feel *why* I want it so, only that I need this, need to
get away from the years marching on, and pushing me into the ground.
I could embrace my friends in the 'now', tell them who I am. Was, I
mean. Hold tight and go to play with them, be a part of their babble
of play-fights and laughter and teases. But then I would lose my
separation, and how could my princess trust me to guard the future,
when I flirt teasingly with her Mamo-chan?
I really do not know what I could do. Every path seems blocked, every
need that I have violates my trust. I have no more time to fit in, and
my needs risk breaking all that I've built to set up. My weaknesses..
to err is human, I suppose. I love having the luxury to err.
It's really all very funny. At least it is when I'm human. Wonderful,
weak human.