Trying to get back into reading and C&Cing more fics, so let's start
with something short:

"Kaosu Tatsu" <dloonusa@hotmail.com> wrote:

	And why was he in such sorry emotional state (anyone who knew him would 

such a sorry

easily deduce why he looked beat upon)?  The reason, oddly enough, was 

The parenthetical phrase there is very awkward. I'm not even sure what
its point is or what I'm expected to deduce. It could probably be
dropped, but if you think it's necessary then try to reword so that the
paragraph flows more smoothly and that the meaning's a little clearer.

	Why can�t they just leave me alone?  I deserve at least some joy in my 

I'd suggest adding a 'he thought' or 'he asked himself' or somesuch
here; as is, the transition from what's obviously an omniscient external
narrator to Happy's first person is quite jarring.

life, but every time I come close, somebody comes around and ruins it.  Why 
can�t I find a girl who understands my needs and wants?  Is that too much to 
have?

This, IMO, cries out for some sort of humorous irony. (e.g. "Why do
women take an instant dislike for me just because I feel them up and
steal their underwear?") Trying to show that Happosai has understandable
motivations, that he doesn't see himself as such a bad guy, is
absolutely fine and worthwhile, but don't sugar-coat or ignore the
things that he really did do in the manga.

	Suddenly he stopped as a sign caught his eye.  Hmmm, the �Odd Behaviors� 

Behaviors,� eh?	(need a comma)

-	A Few Hours Later-

If at all possible, try to work time-and-space shift information into
the context of your narrative, rather than giving it explicitly
author-to-reader.

He was in heaven!  Not one, but two beautiful gajin women had fallen for 
him, and they where busty twins at that.  He talked with them, dined them, 

they were

and enjoyed their company.  And after a time, the love-struck trio wondered 
off into the night, intent on the twin�s apartment in the distance.

twins'	(the apartment belongs to both twins, presumably)

You might want to expand this bit into a full scene. It would help to
know a little about what they talked about, how they enjoyed each
other's company, etc.

This would also help you establish a reason why these women are
interested in Happosai. Most women are, understandably, repulsed by him;
there are a lot of possible reasons why these two wouldn't be, but it's
still unusual enough that it would help to know what their particular
reason is.

I'm not suggesting a lengthy explanation, which would bog down your
story. Just a few well-chosen lines of dialog would help a lot, I think.
The women could mention how Happosai was the kind of man who their
mother told them to keep away from, ha ha, wouldn't she have a coronary
if she could see us now. Or maybe they'd heard that Japanese martial
arts masters are trained in techniques that can pleasure like nothing
else in this world. Or whatever else you can come up with that you like
better.

	Sitting at the table, Mr. Tendo was reading the newspaper when something 
caught his eye.  Scanning it quickly, he came upon the part of the article 
that drawn his attention.  Widening his eyes, he yelled for everyone in the 

that had drawn

"Early this morning, one of Nerima�s top martial artists passed   away, 
while
doing something that which lesser men would be hard pressed to match.

while doing something which lesser

or

while doing something that lesser

or

while doing that which lesser

The two women that were present at the time of the incident are unavailable 
for comment, due to the fact that they are still recovering in the local 
hospital from an extreme case of fatigue and over exertion.

over-exertion.

But, from the clues, as well as his condition, this reporter submits his own 
humble opinion on how the man died.  Since Master Happosai died with a smile 
on his face, its quite apparent he died from simply having TOO MUCH fun."

it's	(meaning "it is", as opposed to "its" which indicates something
belonging to "it").

I don't know whether it's different in Japan, but news reporters
generally refrain from drawing conclusions pertaining to their stories.
Perhaps this could be a quote from the coroner, or from a police
investigator. (And hopefully they can come up with a little more
evidence for this theory than just Happosai's facial expression. :)

  Everyone shivered, and then made a mass transit to the closest waste 

"Mad rush" or something like that might work better than "mass transit,"
which seems to imply a relatively slow move. Also, just IMO, but a group
vomit seems a rather extreme reaction to this situation.

disposal unit with the desire to purge themselves of their last meals 
hanging heavily in their minds.  That is, except for two.  One young man was 
still sitting at the table with a confused, clueless look on his face.  The 
other one was an older woman, who sighed, and said dreamily, �Oh, what a 

You might want to think about the narrative point of view that you're
using a little more. Earlier your narrator identified Soun by name, but
now he doesn't know (or isn't telling) who Ranma and Nodoka are.
Considering that your readership *does* know these characters, my
suggestion would be for your narrator to treat them as known quantities,
but if you do want to keep them mysterious then at least be consistent
about it.

manly way to go.  I can only hope my manly son goes the same way.�
Suddenly, understanding dawns on the young man, and away he flies, going to 
join the others in their activities.

I really like the punchline here -- it's funny, and it fits Nodoka's
character very well -- but the delivery could use a little work, IMO.
"Understanding dawns on the young man" seems to me like you're saying
"there's a joke here!" which can really blunt the effect of the humor.
Also, "going to join the others in their activities" seems rather
cumbersomely wordy. Implying rather than spelling out Ranma's reaction
is probably a good idea, but try to make the implication short and to
the point so that it can hit the reader with full force.

Just my two yen on this; hope it was helpful.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
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