PansutoTarou5925@aol.com wrote:

I know it's been a while.. but here ya go!

  Oh, good. I actually like this story quite a bit.

He was gone.

Even the subtle link that every mazoku had to their superiors
had gone silent. As Hotaru sat in shocked silence in the ruins of
the ancient vault, her world shattered.

She was alone again.

  Hotaru: Time to throw the mother of all parties!

"So Lina, what do you think will happen now?" Amelia asked.
The adventurers - minus Xellos - were gathered at a tavern and
devouring all the food in the place. Lina had been worried, and
they wanted to hear why.

  "So Lina, ... -- "So, Lina, ... (comma)

"It's the mazoku." Lina said, after taking a gulp of her wine.
"They've never had such a big shock to their order before. Two
Mazoku Lords dead, plus their subordinates... there are even
rumors of an attack on Sherra."

  mazoku." Lina said -- mazoku," Lina said

  Of course, convention on this aparently varries, but this is what I _believe_ is the correct way of doing things... (feel free to ignore me.)

She breathed crazily, hyperventilating, even though she did not
need to breathe. Perhaps it was just some shadow of past
humanity rising up within. She snapped the Silence Glaive
above her head. "Brass Demons, come to me!" she screamed,
forming a troop of the disgusting creatures. "A wolf, from the
dark mists of Wolf Pack Island." And another shape rose from
the shadows, a large wolf, huge and shaggy. Hotaru jumped on
top of it. "Come! Come!" She rode off towards the house
where her 'father' and his terrible assistants lived. They would
be the first to feel her wrath. She had a special spell in mind for
them.

  Those wolves? I thought they were mostly useless... maybe she needs a sniper? :p

  Though it sounds more like a Dire wolf than one of the ones from Wolf Pack Island -- aren't those roughly humanoid?

"Aww, Rei, are you sure it's this way? Ami says that the bad
guys are everywhere." Usagi whined as the Senshi darted
through the streets. She wasn't too happy about having multiple
daimons or whatever burning down different parts of the city,
but ever since seeing those Dark Senshi it was something they
had worried about. Especially after fighting that crazed wolf
thing. Ami's readings said it was related to those Dark Senshi
somehow. If that was their version of a Daimon, she wanted no
part of it.

  everywhere." Usagi whined -- everywhere," Usagi whined

"Usagi's right." Ami said, looking at her computer and running
blind. "They are everywhere. How can we know that it's the
right spot?"

  right." Ami said, -- right," Ami said,

Ami put out what fires she could with the Mercury Bubble
Blast, but they were forced to let most of the area burn in order
to deal with the real threat. Let the normal heros, the
firefighters and the police, handle this mess. "I don't really want
to fight someone who throws explosions like that around.
Moon, are you sure your magic is on the fritz?" Ever since that
incident with the fierce wolf thing that attacked the shrine,
Usagi's spells had been throwing lightning and such instead of
her normal Sailor Moon attacks. It was almost like she was
flinging around Makoto's magic instead of her own.

  this -- that (?)  Tenses, preferential.

"We've got to fight it. No one else can!" Usagi said. They
penetrated the inner layer of smoke to find...

... one of the Dark Senshi taking on the Witches Five
singlehandedly. And winning.

  This is a good delivery, but with a little work, might come across even better. I mean, anyone who's ever read my stuff should be able to tell you I love stylistic fragments... ;P

Nabiki had popped back into existence in her sister's room,
snuck out to meet with Gosunkugi, and terrorized the Spineless
One by threatening to toss him in the Spring of Drowned Kuno,
which currently was being covered in concrete. The fact that
she thought that a dip in the pond would have improved him
notwithstanding, she felt Gosunkugi would do fine for what she
intended. Odd though, that buzzing feeling she got after being
transformed by Ranma was gone. Maybe she was getting used
to this form. Nabiki idly threw a mailbox fifty yards. She'd
really have to thank Ranma for this body; it really was invincible
- she'd even jumped in front of a truck at one point. Maybe she
should beat up Kodachi for kicks. Nahh....

  She jumped in front of a truck? Pretty reckless for Nabiki! I guess the transformation might have crossed a few wires, there...

Besides, she had to go see her sister and make sure she knew
she was OK. She had the perfect alibi for what happened to her.
Well, not quite perfect, but close enough.

  Check that first line? Which sister? You _might_ be better served by using a proper name in there at some point.

Just before she entered her house, there was a flash of light. She
looked towards Juuban before realising it wasn't lightning. Her
newfound senses screamed to her that it was magical in nature.
"Odd, I guess those are those lesser magic users Ranma was
telling me about. He's got an odd scale if he think's that's
minor, though." She could see the glow from the fires; she
estimated it at around a city block or so. It would probably
grow before the firefighters put it out.

  Nerima's a large ward, but from Juuban (Azaba, if I remember) to Nerima is still quite a distance. About five miles, I think... I can't find my darned map, though. Anyway, that's quite a lot of fire!

'1000 yen, please." Seeing Kasumi facefault brought a smile to
her face. "Alright, this time for free. I don't know where he
brought me-" True  "- I just struck out in a random direction
like Ryouga would - " Utter rot "- and I've never been better."
Which was more true than Kasumi would ever think. Nabiki
exulted in power and control, and she had more over her own
life than she ever did before.

  You start this paragraph with a single quote instead of a double-quote? :p

"More meat." She looked at where Mimette was trying to crawl
away and hide. "Oh no... you're not getting away that easy."
She teleported over and rammed the Silence Glaive through the
Witch, spearing her to the ground like a bug on display.
Holding onto the Glaive with one hand, and sending bolts of
magical electricity into her captive. Mimette jerked as she was
fried, Hotaru's power greatly increased beyond anything the
Witches could match by pure rage. Then Hotaru stopped the
assault, and she looked death in the face. It was not a pretty
sight.

  This fragment:

Holding onto the Glaive with one hand, and sending bolts of
magical electricity into her captive.

  Can be stylistic, but here seems to be lacking something... :/

Hotaru was standing over her, holding a chunk of concrete in
one hand and smiling. The Senshi, who had momentarily jolted
out of their shock and began to prepare for a battle of their
own, were immediately distracted by the awesomely gruesome
sight of one of their enemies bludgeoning one of the Witches to
death.

  began -- begun (?)

Sailor Venus quietly wished that the Senshi's outfits didn't
prevent nausea. She was feeling rather sick right now, and
throwing up would distract her from... that... eww! Minako
grabbed Rei and Makoto and pulled them back. "I don't feel so
good. Could we beat on those things setting fires first?" The
other Senshi gave each other a few quick looks and decided that
this fight could wait. Makoto and Minako grabbed Usagi and
dragged her away before she could draw attention to them.
Obviously they had intruded upon a private quarrel. Yeah, that
was it...

  Hah!

The insane level of destruction, glow from the burning
buildings, and general miasma of oppressiveness rolling out of
Juuban clued the Wrecking Crew to the violence erupting
across town. Faint sounds of people screaming and sirens
blaring could be heard.

  Over that distance?

The deafening blast of a giant explosion woke even Genma up
and alerted him to the ongoing battle.

  Crikey -- I'm thinking that pretty much every window on the west side of Tokyo would have shattered from the volume neccessary...

Cologne sighed and turned on NHK. Disasters attracted
reporters like a corpse attracts flies, and this was no different.
Ugly humanoid demons were tossing squad cars around, looting
stores, and setting fires. The police and fire departments were
trying to stop the invaders and the out of control inferno from
gutting Juuban. Occasionally footage of Senshi blasting the
creatures would arise. "All right, people, stop it."

  They loot stores?

Immediately the arguments, eating, drinking, and fighting that
had been going on between the group ceased. Cologne sighed.
It was so hard to keep them focused. Herb had left and fetched
the Kaisfuu in the two days respite they had enjoyed, which had
taken the tension level down. With the Dragon Prince of the
Musk just arrived off the bullet train, the group had taken to
fighting again. It seemed that the unstable mix of violent
personalities was an unsolvable mess.

  I would imagine so. ;)

"Hibachan, we go, find Ai - Shampoo mean Ranma and
banish?" her great-granddaughter asked from where she was
firmly wedged between Ryouga and Lime. Keeping her there
reduced the chances of the two strongmen getting in a fight.. as
well as keeping Mousse away.

  Ranma and -- Ranma, and

  Is that 'Ai-' a subtle hint that Shampoo mak like Ranma despite all that's happened?

"We don't even know if this is him, child." Cologne rasped.

  child." Cologne -- child," Colgne

  You might not be interested, so I'll stop criticizing that one. :p

"It is the duty of a martial artist to defeat monsters." Soun
pronounced pompously. Genma nodded, his face in his own
pose of righteousness.

  Heh. He got there fast.

"No, of course not." Cologne nodded. Nabiki was easy to
manipulate - she had an inflated opinion of her own
deviousness. The little things tended to be her undoing, as in
this case. "So you're out of aloe? I'll be right over."

  Heh.

The back wall of the dining room exploded out as a girl in a
leather outfit walked through it. Her footsteps set the carpet on
fire, setting a blazing trail behind her. She was holding a solid
iron staff with a wicked set of blades at the end. There was a
beatific smile on her face.

  The Nekohanten has a carpet? I thought it was a wooden floor. :p

"I'm Hotaru. As for what I'm doing here," Hotaru said, still
smiling serenely, "I think you're going to be Suprised."

  She has an attack with that name in is, so I assume the capitalization on 'Suprised' is intentional?

The front of Cologne's restaurant exploded, sending the Nerima
Wrecking Crew flying across the street. Cologne got up and
coughed. This was not going to be good. This 'Hotaru' started
the fight by teleporting - Cologne figured that no one, not even
a mazoku, could move fast enough for her to miss seeing it -
and slamming the butt end of her glaive into Ryouga's chest.
Hard. That was why Ryouga was extricating himself from the
storefront behind Cologne instead of merely being blasted into
the street. The other fighters, Cologne included, had struck
quickly at the girl, she herself using a nine-pressure point attack
that would kill a person instantly. She had simply ignored those
hits and had kicked Mousse in the crotch hard enough that he
was lifted off the floor two feet. Apparently Herb was made out
of sterner stuff than most men, bcause while the other males
clutched their privates and winced in sympathy, Herb had
blasted her with some sort of multiple ki-blast attack. The
mazoku's counterattack was why they were currently in the
street: a solid black fireball.

  Just 'a solid black fireball' is a little bland.

Cologne mentally reviewed her options. Using her superior skill
in physical combat wasn't an option. She could fight rings
around this mazoku in hand to hand. The problem was, it was
completely useless in this case. The pressure points and precise,
deadly strikes to the vital regions were useless against a being
that had neither. Even if she had all the strength of her younger
days, she didn't think it would help. Special techniques might
work. On the other hand, given the magical senses she had
heard the mazoku possessed, the Splitting Cat's Hairs wouldn't
work. The Hiryuu Shoten Ha was out, because Ranma might
have informed this mazoku of it and she wasn't radiating any
cold ki - or any ki, for that matter - to use against her. Of more
esoteric techniques, few were likely to be of any use - and the
rest would be quite limited. Using the scroll seemed to be the
only option. They'd have to figure out a way to deal with
Ranma later.

  Repetition of 'useless' in the earlier segments.

Hotaru was lifted off the ground and thrown bodily through the
air. Instead of just being carried by the explosion, however, she
flew with it, rising into the air and gaining the height advantage
over her non-flying adversaries. Below, she saw that guy with
the tiger stripes hit the old lady instead of her. He had already
commited himself to the attack without knowing what the
others would do. That meant they were obviously inexperienced
in fighting together. She stuck the Glaive into subspace,
wanting to beat a few people up without its use. She wanted to
take a few of these people apart by hand. A pair of blasts to the
back got her attention.

  Repetition of 'wanted' in the last few sentences.

"Do you have any idea of just how far outclassed you are?"
Hotaru asked. "No? Allow me to demonstrate the Saturn Star-
Fist school of martial arts," Hotaru said, decades of training in
the Silver Millenium being one of the wonderful things that had
been in her restored memories. Blurring, she shot forward
through the air, fist and body moving swiftly in a lightning-fast,
powerful punch. It was a move designed for maximum power
and speed. Herb jerked out of the way and landed another ki-
blast on her side. Hotaru's leg whipped out and slammed into
his ribs though, the follow up attack designed to hit if the first
strike missed. Herb was launched into a light pole.

  Mystery fusion number 21: Fist of the North Star and Sailor Moon... Well, I'll think about it...

Diving at full speed, Hotaru slammed into Herb and through the
lightpole. She grabbed onto his arm and shoulder and yanked,
popping it out of his socket with her monstrous strength. She
kicked him in the head as hard as she could, sending him into
dreamland, just before she was kicked through the front of a
noodle shop.

  Sucks to be him.

Nabiki looked at her newly 'redecorated' room. She had torn
apart all the exercise equipment she didn't need any more,
thrown it in a big pile in the center of the room, and melted it by
putting her hand on it and willing it to get very, very hot. The
resulting mess of metal and plastic, along with the lingering
smell in the air, would have to be cleaned up eventually, but
she, Nabiki, would no longer have to do those boring excercises
to keep her perfect body. Also, she dragged some stuff up from
the dojo - mostly left behind weapons from Mousse - and threw
her sword in the mix, figuring it wouldn't look too conspicuous
there. She left a book on appraising martial arts weapons next
to the stack as further camouflage. "Perfect." She then waled
downstairs. "Kasumi! I'm going out for a little while! I'll be
back for dinner!"

  What the heck is she planning? And wouldn't the molten steel kinda, you know, go through the wooden floors?

  Maybe she lowered the metal's melting point for a bit, too. :p

She ran out, in the general direction of Juuban. She'd follow
those girls around, and discover their secret identities. She
didn't have to worry about the fires, right?

  But... why?

Lime screamed in pain, with five terrible wounds in his face.
Hotaru brought her boot down, magically enhancing it so even
this human tank could feel it, and stomped repeatedly on his
chest. Her foot lashed out again, this time in a kick, and two
cracks could be heard, one from Lime's ribs, another from
Hotaru's foot passing the sound barrier. She picked up the
screaming Musk warrior and tossed him outside. There, the two
old fools were trying to sneak away, and Cologne was reading
from a scroll. A tense, magical power was building up, and the
remaining four fighters werein front of Cologne, guarding her.
"You think that will stop me? Your lives are mine to take or
spare. Ranma was a friend of mine. You didn't spare him, so
I'm not going to spare you." She simply teleported again, this
time behind Cologne. The bloody claws flashed out, reducing
Cologne's scroll to rubble. Cologne turned around, a look of
dread on her face. Hotaru walked forward, a look of maniac
glee on her face. "That's why people who use real magic
memorize their spells, old woman. They don't read them off of
scrolls that can be burned, torn, or stolen. Here, I'll show you
some real magic. She snapped her fingers, bringing in a few
more Brass Demons. "See? Fast, easy - effective. Have fun!"
Hotaru said, running off in the direction of Genma. 'She
stopped for a minute and turned back. "And, oh yeah, don't kill
them. They aren't ready for that yet." She then jumped up and
flew off, looking for old fat fools or rogue pandas.

  'She -- She (extra ' )

"Hold, demons!" a blonde girl in a funny hairdo announced.
"For destroying establishments of eating, places where youung
gilrs can go on dates with their friends, is a crime that can never
be forgiven!" Both Cologne and her allies and the demons
stared at her for a few seconds. Then the fight picked up again.

  youung -- young
  gilrs -- girls

  'Both' Cologne 'and' her allies 'and' the demons...

  Needs a bit of work, right there. ;)

Nabiki jumped from rooftop to rooftop, giddy in her newfound
powers. She ran over to the Nekohanten, with listening devices
aplenty. Usually she was only able to get people to drop her
mikes in the eating area. Now she could put them on the second
floor windows. She was distracted by some noise off to the
side. "Hey! It's them!" The Sailor Senshi had apparently made a
detour to Nerima. Strange, they usually weren't outside of
Juuban. Then again, there were those demon things, and they
generally weren't found outside of Juuban, either. She noticed
Cologne and the others. So the demons were attacking some of
her customers. Well, well. That just wouldn't do. Nabiki
remembered the crazy outfit that Hotaru had. It was a variation
of the Senshi's outfits, and those seemed to block recognition
by other people. Nabiki concentrated for a second, willing her
clothes to change from her normal clothes into something a
little more durable and only slightly less decent. She was just
about to jump down when she remembered something else. "Oh
yeah, my sword." she said, smacking herself in the face.

  Used to be Sherra's sword, right? That should do some damage...

"KIIIIYAAAH!" Ryouga yelled, having finally regained his
breath from having his ribs cracked by the first Dark Senshi. His
heavy umbrella screamed through the air at high speed, but was
stopped with a mighty CRACK as the demon blocked with its
phone pole. Grunting, Ryouga leaned forward and pushed
down, a slow ripping sound rising over the rest of the fight as
he broke the pole

  Repetition of 'crack'.

Nabiki smiled and rammed her sword into Makoto's stomach.
"Payback's a bitch." She pulled it loose and teleported away
before the Senshi could blast her. She reappeared by Ryouga
and slammed the flat of her blade against his opponent's head.
It dropped to the ground, where Ryouga soon beat it to
unrecognizeable paste. Nabiki looked back to the scouts, noting
that they were ready to shoot at her again. She waved, then
vanished.

  Nooo! Not Makoto! Damn you!

  Though, that scene works pretty well. She showed up and attacked one of everyone. Heh.

They were currently in a bathouse abandoned because of the
nearby fight against the demons. That didn't stop her from
being suprised by a looter, though. A most unusual, small,
shriveled looter swiping the underwear left by the fleeing
bathers. He turned and saw the approaching Senshi of Death
and, ignoring every possible danger sign, fixed his eyes on her
leather-bound bustline. "SWEETO!"

  Huh. No negative emotions to drain off of him, eh?

Hotaru's fingers snapped. The door slammed shut behind her,
and a magical field popped up, masking the wall in shadows and
preventing interference. "Now... you're mine." she said, now
holding the Glaive at Genma's throat.

  Repetition of 'now'.

Pouring some of the Clorox up his nose was her personal stroke
of genius, she thought.

  Eeeeeewww...

Five sailor suited warriors of love and justice appeared, ready to
smite evil and make the world safe for teenage girls everywhere.

  Didn't Nabiki run one of them through?

The Senshi stopped and stared at each other. An enemy was
negotiating with them? And not as blackmail, but an apparently
honest deal? Moon held up a hand. "Um... we need to think
about this. Time out!" she said, forming her arms into a T.

  Hotaru: I'm busy. I'll go home, take my toys with me, and kick your sorry butts later.

  Moon: Uh... gimmie a minute here...

Hotaru blinked for a second, then sighed in resignation. She
leaned against the lightpole and tapped her foot against the
ground, waiting for them to reach the only realistic conclusion.
She looked at the huddling Senshi with extreme boredom. They
have maybe a brain and a half among five of them trying to
reach a decision only half a brain was needed to reach. Why was
it taking them three times to reach it, then?

  have -- had

  three times -- three times as long (?)

"Damn it!" Makoto grumbled. "Why are all the real guys either
brainwashed by the bad guys or ARE the bad guys?"

  Or taken.

Makoto was healed by Moon while Genma was being tortured.

  I thought she was still throwing Makoto's spells around, though.

Yes, yes, I'm back. But I don't plan on writing too much right
now.

  I liked it. I liked it quite a bit. :p

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