Finally getting around to replying to some of my mail:

Used most of the grammar comments, as always.

$I started reading this chapter with zero inkling that it was the last
one.  Imagine my surprise and disappointment when it was.  It's been
fun.

The ending of this prelude is a bit abrupt. That was the primary complaint
about it. However I always inteded to end it here since this is more like a
beginning for Shampoo rather than an ending. I pretty much accomplished
everything I wanted to do with this piece.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In less than half an hour it would all be over.

$So we start off with a steamy lemon scene between Pink and Snakebite,
I see.

Pink: More like ten minutes if that was the case.

Snakebite: Hey!

You're not the only one to make that sort of comment. Guess it goes to show
you what sort of perves I have for readers. :)

her rightful place as the arena's main event, but had also harmed Link
followed, no, stalked her prey, learning every detail, every nuance,
every
irritating habit of the thrice-damned girl so that an appropriate method
of
revenge could be instituted? Oh yes, Pink could calm down and prepare
the
trap properly. There was still plenty of time.

$Shampoo walks in.  "So, Pink, whatcha doing?"
Pink whirls around in shock and presses up against the box to hide her
work.  "Shampoo!  Noth- uhuhuhuhuhuh..."  *sizzle*

Hehehehe. That would have been more in the Takahashi vein of humor, all
right. :)

neck
back and forth in order to work some of the kinks out of it. The
movement
produced small cracking noises. Stretching her arms and legs out went
more

$The movement...noises. really needs to be reworded or combined with
one of the other sentances.

Will rework.

certain
there was something else going on with Kiber, but nothing he could
explain.
The young Amazon had her own suspicions, but kept them to herself. She
had
no direct proof, but considering the way Kiber looked at Jaddo, and the
unusual generosity, it was good circumstantial evidence that lended
credence
to her theory.

$Heh, this was funny later.

Thanks. Some people saw it coming, which surprised me since I was trying to
be subtle (for a change), but I think the misassumption on her part is
perfectly logical. It made sense to me.

point, Jaddo had made some hissing cat noises at Shampoo. She let him
know
her feelings about the jest by dropping a free weight on his foot. That
ended any further commentary on the matter.

$Other than his cry of pain, which sounded suspisciously like
'MeeYOWWW!'

Hehehehe. That would be him getting in the last laugh.

practicality held her back. Fighting outside the arena was frowned upon,
and
Link had never actually done anything to Shampoo, aside from trying to
strike her dead with a glance.

$You should really have her think something about how strange it was
that neither of them had ever retaliated for her mistaken attack on
Link.  Either all the rumors about how protective they were of each
other were overrated, or she was a sufficiently intimidating fighter
that they had to content themselves with harsh looks.  Shampoo rather
preferred the latter explaination.

Hmmm. Never really thought of adding something like that. Will look things
over and see if I can fit a passing thought about it somewhere. Not sure if
it would be best served here or not, is all.

 When was the stupid girl ever going to
forgive her for the case of mistaken identity that ended up knocking
Link
out at Beef's? It was over five months ago, and still her rage was just
as
great, if not greater, than before. Some people just didn't know when to
let
a matter go.

$Perhaps at the end of this.

Maybe. Will consider.

the whirlpool. That would allow Shampoo to relax in privacy and comfort
instead of worrying about being drowned. Who knew, perhaps this
'victory'
would get Link to relax a little and back away from her case of
irrational
anger, though Shampoo held no realistic hope of that.

$Heh.  You're a bad, bad man, DB.

Oh, pure evil. I'm writing evil lemons without plot even as we speak. ^_^

Pink cried out one loud, "Ha!" as she pulled down on the lever on the
side
of the power box, shooting a flow of electricity through the cable and
into
the water. There was the brief smell of ozone in the air, a shout of
excruciating pain...

...and then all the lights went out.

$Good thing, that.

Yep. Would have had to end the story a lot quicker, otherwise. And I need to
get some measure of sympathy going for Link about now.

one time. Luckily, she was a main eventer, and he and Jaddo seemed to
get
along well. There was a chance he would say it was all right, though
with
the way things had been going lately, he was probably not even on the
premises to begin with.

Why couldn't she get even a hint of good luck thrown her way?

$Tsk tsk tsk.  What more does she want?

Well, one of the things I wanted to do is establish that Shampoo has
absolutly no idea of what's been going on behind her back with all of the
abortive attempts to eliminate her. She has no idea of how enraged Pink
really is at her, and it really isn't all her fault. Pink is really guilty
of what's more along the lines of a self-inflicted gunshot wound than
anything else. Link just sort of got caught in the crossfire. Like Link says
later about everyone being a victim of fate, she ends up one as well. But
Shampoo has no idea of anything beyond Link's actual death and mistakenly
punching her out once that she would be held responsible for so many things
that went wrong for the twins.

insidious
plans of revenge against her. All Pink needed was to wait for the right
opportunity and come up with yet another plan. It would be foolproof for
certain this time. She would see to it personally, right after she got
rid
of that irritating feeling of deja-vu that was plaguing her.

$From all the earlier times?

Of course. I think I even cut and pasted some of Pink's thoughts so that
they were the same each time a plan backfired, and it would add to the
feeling of deja vu.

Then he pinned an eight by ten glossy of his face to the center of the
bag.

$Heheh.  Smart man.

Yep.  He's a bit savvy, even by R 1/2 standards.

Shampoo tensed up as well. Holding up her arm, she sniffed herself. She
only
smelled a little. Her deodorant was holding up. Nothing to be
excessively
worried about. Still, she would be certain not to engage in any
unnecessary
embraces with anyone.

$Not worried about her hair, but let her sweat just a little...

What can I say? Women are like that.

"What about the usual forty victory minimum rule you need here before
you
can move on?" Jaddo asked.

$She's been there for months, what's the trouble?  Probably almost a
year now, or even more.

He's referring to the 40 victories she needs at in the Hong Kong Arena. At
each level of the fighting circuit you need 40 victories to advance. There's
the Dog-pits/outer circuit. Inner circuit, like Hellmount, and Hong Kong
Arena. After you rack up that number of victories, you get to go on to the
Impy Arena.

and
get your ass kicked because you think you're hot shit. You do that and
you'll be flat on your back putting out for one of them Arena hotshots
that
is going to win the tournament. Make no mistake about that, girl."

$Shampoo: Not necessarily true.  According to ancient amazon laws, the
wife gets to choose the position.  I could pick doggy-style instead, so
there.  Nya.

Hehe. Cute.

"The docs have said she's battle ready since last week. I made her sit
out a
week just to play it safe, but she's more than ready to get it on now.

$Especially since she hasn't had a boyfriend in a long while.

Link: Fine! Rub it in my face!

Jaddo held up a warning finger. "What about 'The Case of the Haunted
Jacuzzi' back in '93?"

$Oh, jeez.

So you picked up on it right away.

"That was one of the night janitors pretending the place was haunted so
he
could run a smuggling operation out of the basement."

"And he would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those
meddling
kids."

"And their cowardly dog," Tetsuo admitted.

$*shakes head*  I approve, in a vaguely horrified sort of way.

Cool. Wasn't sure about using that one as a joke. Although I am eliminating
the dog comment. It's too blunt and in your face, as others pointed out to
me. People will either pick up on the 'meddling kids' comment, or they
won't.

fact
she had it before I was ever here. I was just a scapegoat for her ever
since
I mistook her for Pink and decked her."

$At least she doesn't deny it.

Yep. And it really is all she's guilty of.

Shampoo did some quick calculations in her head. "That would make the
fight
on a Monday. Are they having some sort of special card then?"

$Monday night fight, eh?  That should boost ratings.

Nope. It's a private fight for only the elite to watch since there's only
going to be one. No ratings involved. Although it will be taped, so copies
of it will circulate.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pink could barely contain the excess of energy coursing through her. A
nervous dance that shifted between pacing and bouncing back and forth on
her
feet refused to leave her, despite her upset stomach.

$Err, awkward, that.  Suggest rewording, but I'm not sure what you're
going for.

Hmm. Sounded okay to me. Not sure how I would reword it.

"I'm going to go to the big leagues. I'm going to go to the big leagues.
I'm
goinHEY!" Pink narrowly dodged the table lamp hurled at her head.

$goinhey?  That some sort of gratuitous chinese thrown in?

Heh.

Tears suddenly filled Link's eyes. Giving Pink a look of intense
emotional
hurt, she sniffled and demurely approached her. Pink, suddenly feeling
very
rotten about making such an accusation of her sister, bowed her head in
shame.

$Heh heh.  Nice.

Thanks again. Nice to know most of the humor is working.

Link kept giving her the hurt look as she grabbed Pink by the shoulders
and
raged "OF COURSE IT'S BECAUSE I'M JEALOUS OF YOU! YOU ALWAYS GET ALL THE
BREAKS!" At that point she began to sweetly shake Pink around, just like
a
rag doll. One that the child wants to break the head off of.

$Kinda thought that.  She's got issues.

Big ones.

"Rip off an ear or something. I did that to one of the guys in the dog
pits,
and he really screamed at the top of his lungs. Just like a little
girl."

$Was his name M. Bison?

No. >_<

"And then."

"Goddamn it, spit it out!"

$Andthenandthenandthen!  Heh, Dude, Where's my car? all over again.

Missed that one. The previews inflicted no desire for me to see it either.

And Pink did, emptying the contents of her stomach all over her sister's
feet.

$Although I liked that bit better.

Thanks. I thought it was a bit unexpected.

Link looked at the colorful matter now clinging to her slippers. "You
know,
I don't think puking all over her is going to have that much of an
effect at
that point."

$Never know, you could go for the audience gross out factor.  I've
known hardened people that can watch an autopsy during dinner who can't
help but add to the mess if someone throws up.

It's the smell for me. Can't stand the smell of puke. Makes me want to
sympathy puke as well. Those can lead to some seriously nasty situaitons,
let me tell you, when you get a chain reaction going. Watching 'Barnyard
Bonanza' has a similar effect, from my understanding. :)

$Had a minor delay in while commenting on this chapter.  The 'S' key
and the spacebar quit working on my keyboard.  Worthless, cheap
knockoff.  It was only seven years old.  I'm using a new one now.

Yeah. That would be annoying. Glad you got it fixed.

A serious scarcity of mistakes here,

One of the advantages of having prereaders for this. They catch a lot of the
basic mistakes I make, which tend to be plentiful. My non-preread work will
have a lot more for you to work with.

and it's on to the next one.  I'm

about two pages short of finishing the C&C on it as well, but I'm also
out of time at the moment.  Expect it either today or tomorrow.

Already got it and am hoping to comment on it next. Thanks again for the
extensive C+C. As always, it's greatly appreciated.

D.B. Sommer

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